Lord of the Rings: An Allegory of Divorce

Humans never cease to amaze me.

My ex-wife, you may know her, you may not, but more than likely you know an ex-wife or ex-husband just like her. Anyway, after she got done cheating, she left owing me a bunch of money, as seems to be one of the requirements for when a person leaves a marriage (apparently getting married and then leaving over and over can be quite a lucrative career). Needless to say, when this occurred, I hadn't heard anything from her since she had left.

Well, one morning, I read a post on Facebook that read,

"Do you know someone who won't admit to having plastic surgery? Sarah Jessica Parker is showing off in her new movie Sex and the City but won't tell us how she's done it. Why do people who have plastic surgery try to keep it a secret?"

To which I responded,

"I've never understood it. My ex-wife had breast augmentation and didn't want to me to tell, as if you couldn't tell just by looking. I think a lot of it comes from the innate need for some people to hide what is fake, to stay behind the mask they wear for society."
"Do you know someone who won't admit to having plastic surgery?"
Apparently my ex-wife read the post too. Now, interestingly enough, even though I wasn't allowed to tell anyone that she had a boob job, she would go around telling and showing off her new boobs. It was something I never understood, but I have the sneaking suspicion that being a good husband or wife is like working for the government: you spend a lot of time doing things that don't always make sense.

The result, however, was nothing short of a miracle! The mute was made to speak! I was astonished! She actually sent me a message! It was a short email conversation that went like this:

Ex-wife: "You're an ass. No wonder your friends desert you."
Doc: "You're the only one who deserted me."

The defense rests, your honor. And what kind of friends desert you? Not very good friends. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she de-friended me or blocked me or whatever. I was real tore up about it as you can probably imagine.

Anyway, the exchange was too classic for me not to share. The post led to a long list of comments about divorce and a lot of funny exchanges, one of the last of which was my comment on how getting divorced is a lot like Lord of the Rings. And that just begged for a top ten list!

lord of the rings gollum
So here it is, the Top 10 Ways Divorce is like Lord of the Rings.

10. It's the longest journey of your life.

9. There's constantly all kinds of crap to deal with.

8. Going to the courthouse is a lot like going to Mordor.

7. Your friends are with you through most of it, but they can't carry the ring for you.

6. Debt collectors are a lot like those Ring Wraiths...they find you wherever you are and show up at the most inopportune times.

5. You constantly think to yourself, "I should have just stayed in the Shire!"

4. The "Hmmm, could be gay" overtones get pretty heavy toward the end.

3. You come so close to death so many times that you just don't fear it any more!

2. All you want to do is just get rid of that damn ring but the only way you can get rid of it is ridiculously hard, i.e., travel across the deadly swamp, over the harsh mountains, through the gates of Mordor, climb up the long steep dangerous staircase, avoid the giant spider, don't get caught by any of the 8 trillion orcs, hike up the trail to Mount Doom, lean out precariously over an unstable rocky ledge, and throw the ring into the river of lava.

1. Your ex acts exactly like Gollum, talking all crazy, eating raw fish, spitting at you, trying to kill you and take your stuff, and calling your best friend a fat hobbit.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm going through a divorce right now and your ex sounds a lot like mine, especially in the dump-you-and-run-off-with-your-money department. I was actually dealing with a bunch of things with my lawyer today and this gave me a much needed laugh lol.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Ah, a sad but very well written and entertaining story. Best of luck bro.

    Is is any wonder why men are saying no to marriage at ever increasing rates today?

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What Guys Said 2

  • Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.

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  • Yet another story illustrating why not to get married.

    Fuck 'em, dump 'em, only way to roll.

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