Break Up & Divorce

The heart wants what it wants…


“Why are you with him?”
I’ve heard that question so many times from my friends. Over coffee, during late night phone calls, in the middle of tear filled silences when I couldn’t hide the pain anymore. They looked at me with genuine concern, with confusion, sometimes even frustration. Not because they didn’t care, but because they did.

And every time they asked, I felt that awful pause inside me. That silence where I should have had an answer, but didn’t. Because how do you explain to people you love that you’re holding on to someone who keeps breaking your heart in slow, quiet ways?

I didn’t have the words for it then, but I do now.
I was with him because I loved him.
Even when he didn’t love me the same way.
Even when I knew better.
Because the heart wants what it wants, and sometimes it wants the wrong person with all the right parts of you.

I used to tell myself that love meant patience. That if I just held on, things would change. He would soften. He would show up. He would finally see me, not as someone convenient or temporary, but as someone worth choosing. I believed in the potential of who he could be more than the reality of who he was. And that’s where I lost myself.

It wasn’t that he was a terrible person. It was that he wasn’t good to me. He wasn’t consistent. He wasn’t kind when it mattered. And most of all, he didn’t love me in the way I needed to be loved.I gave him chance after chance, excuse after excuse. I called it love.

My friends saw what I didn’t want to admit. They saw me shrinking. They saw me second guessing my worth. They saw me giving and giving and never getting anything real back. And still, I stayed.

I stayed because I wanted it to work. Because I had already built a life around the idea of him. Because I kept thinking love could fix it. But love isn’t meant to feel like begging. It isn’t meant to be one sided or lonely.

Eventually, I had to be honest with myself. The truth was painful, but it was clear. He was never going to be who I needed him to be. Not because I wasn’t enough, but because he never really intended to be.

So now, when people ask me, “Why were you with him?” I tell the truth.
Because I loved him. Because I hoped. Because the heart wants what it wants.
But I also say this. I left.And that part matters more.

I walked away not because I stopped loving him, but because I finally started loving myself. Because I realized that being in love shouldn’t feel like I’m constantly trying to prove I’m worthy. It should feel like peace. Like being seen. Like coming home to someone who meets me where I am, not where they wish I’d be.And maybe I stayed too long. Maybe I loved too hard. But now I know better.

The heart wants what it wants…
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