Breaking up: How and When

Every couple enters a new relationship with stars in their eyes and hope in their hearts, believing that theirs will surely be a love that stands the test of time. Even with the best of intentions, this is not always the case. Whether yours is a forever love, or a blip in your romance screen can depends. Such as, the maturity level of both partners, expectations from the relationship, careers paths and outlooks on life.

Blinded by lust or desire for companionship, most people enter into relationships without considering these very important aspects, which is the culprit in a large portion of breakups. In truth, the reasons why certain relationships spark up, flicker, and die off are numerous. Below are some of the more common ones.

Reasons for breaking up

Number one deal breaker. Nothing destroys trust faster than deciding to hook up sexually outside the relationship. I have never understood this myself. If a person wants to sleep around, why get in a serious relationship at all?

Despite how we would like to concentrate solely on love, money problems can put a strain on relationships, particularly if irresponsible spending has created a hefty credit burden on one, or both of you.

Growing Apart
This is especially a problem for people who got together when they were young. The lucky ones have common goals that do not waiver, even as they get older. The majority of young couples however, tend to grow up and apart. This is because our needs and wants change as we broaden our educational and life horizons.

Communication Problems
You both want different things from a relationship, but don't know how to get your needs across without it becoming a screamfest. This is largely due to the fact that most people concentrate on their own desires, thereby failing to hear what their partner is saying. This results in walls that can be built so high, they become impenetrable and a break up can ensue.

Know when to move on

My husband and I fight on occasion, but it is very rare. If I were going to measure, I'd say we are content 95 percent of the time, meaning we spend much more time loving and enjoying one another than fighting. If the opposite happens to be true, take that as a big red flag. I've known far too many girlfriends who bitterly complained about their mistreatment, yet, when asked why they stayed, they invariably replied, Well, he isn't that way all the time.

This begs the question of how often the bad occurred, as opposed to good. Even a fifty-fifty split isn't all that great. Drama is not fun, cool or sexy, and gets old over time. On the opposite end, many people attempt to move on when the supposed thrill has gone. I don't necessarily think that is a good idea, either. Every romance, no matter how grand, fizzles from time to time. If things have hit a snag, don't toss the baby out with the bathwater, give your love a chance and be proactive!

Setting romantic goals for one another can rekindle the flames, keeping you from heartbreaks door. If, however, the person cheats on you constantly and/or abuses you verbally or physically, I would have to say a break up is not only desirable, it is mandatory. A relationship is supposed to be your shelter from the storm, not the hurricane itself. If you are not being loved, respected and supported, it is time to move on to something more healthy.

How to break-up

Gogus olculeri
Best case scenario is that both people mutually decide that it is time to move on. In the most common scenario only one person wants to leave the relationship. Even in a situation where both people realize it is time to move on, the pain can be tremendous, especially if the break up is due to outside factors, like a job relocation. It is more devastating, when one of you don't want to let go, despite all indications that it is time to do so.

If you are the one doing the breaking up, just realize there is no easy way to do it. Be kind, but direct. Also, expect anger, even pleading, but if you know your decision is right, stand your ground, no matter what. If you are on the receiving end of a break up, try to handle yourself with dignity. While no one likes to be told, "I don't want to be with you", how you react will be your measure against being a child or a mature adult.

Do be honest about how you feel. If you are angry, say so, if you need a moment to cool off, do it, but in the end, you can't make someone stay if they want to go. Let them go.

Also, choose where you do the break up wisely. Too public or too intimate can mean disaster. A stroll around the block or to the park is a nice in between place, and gives the option to the injured party to wander off if they need some time alone, sans the dramatic door slam.

Let go completely

Some people ask themselves, "What if I made a mistake?" soon after a break up. The thing they must realize is that, while said ex may have had a host of good qualities, there were reasons you two broke up. Concentrating on that will keep you from harboring getting back together fantasies.

Another trap is bitterness. Holding on to resentment can make it impossible for you to remain open to meeting new people and you can miss out on amazing life relationships.

Things do not always work out the way we want. Accept that and try not to live in the past. Just remember, not every romance will last. We should value each and every one of experiences, good and bad, as they enrich us and help us grow. If we keep an open mind and heart, maybe we can ease the painful transitions periods a bit, and come out on the other side, stronger, wiser and more loving.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Also keep in mind that the end of a relationship can parallel the grieving process - shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance will each come in turn.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I just read your article and I wanted to say thanks...Too many times we say we don't know why the relationship ended and in all reality, we do...My relationship of 3 years just came to an end and I was beating myself up until I came across your article. He had financial problems, communication problems, he would hold things in so much that when he let it out, he exploded. Leading to a lot of arguments. He was bitter about his past relationships. Thanks for opening my eyes and helping me accept it!


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What Guys Said 1

  • A-R-Norman, I have always enjoyed your thoughts on this site. A level headed mature woman, with wisdom from life experience. Thank you for sharing.


What Girls Said 4

  • What do you do if you live together and try to break up and he won't let you? Like literally won't allow you to leave him.

  • Amazing Norman...thanks for the contribution ... we would like to read more from you :)

  • Exactly! Thanks Dean!

  • great!


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