Should I tell him how I feel before I leave?

Question

Well there's an older man I've been hooking up with for almost a year. I thought he was different than he turned out to be, and I hoped to have a relationship with him... I don't think he wants one at this time from what he has implied, and acts as though he never wants to get married. He seems to enjoy being single a lot.

I'm moving to the city next year, and I suppose he will probably spend the rest of his life here... It's a small rural town that he almost grew up in... I dislike the country and am here for limited reasons, and he dislikes the city. So I do know that even if he did want to be with me, there would be the issue and clash of the whole living situation. I am well over 10 years younger than him so if I stayed here it would prevent me from living my life... I honestly would like to tell him the day or two days before I leave how I feel, that I did not only want sex and had strong feelings for him, and wished that we could've been together even though it's not entirely fitting for me... Should I tell him to get closure? How do you think he will respond to it?

LightsOff · Accepted Answer

You telling him this won't change a thing though. Closure comes from moving on with your life. You can do that without telling him. And I don't understand the need to tell him. You already know his opinion on things and you explaining your feelings to him won't change that. Nor will it change how you feel. Nor will it really help you move on. If anything it'll only be super awkward since he doesn't feel the same way, he'll probably just wonder why you're telling him this since you already know he only wanted the casual stuff. Just let it go. You can tell him goodbye and all that, but I just don't see why you would have to expose your feelings like this. I think you'll probably just get even more hurt since he definitely won't reciprocate them. It's almost as if you're doing this because you're hoping it'll magically change his mind somehow. Well let me tell you, it won't. Moving to a different city and starting a new life is closure. Confessing your feelings is not. You will gain nothing from it.

gemini888 · Accepted Answer

Defiantly tell him your feelings and your reasons why you are going to leave. That way, he knows why, and you can leave closing the door behind you. If you don't tell him why there's a chance of him calling or trying to get back into life looking for an explanation. At this point, I don't think you have anything to lose by telling him how you feel. You are a woman that knows what she wants and if he is not willing to give that to you then you shall move on and find someone who is willing as well as capable as giving you what you want/need. His response will not matter, the only thing that will matter is your feelings afterward. You say what you need to say and move on from there. xx

Paris13 · Accepted Answer

Why fix what doesn't need to be Fixed, as they say? If you end up opening up a can of worms with someone who you Definitely will never have a future with, then it may lead to other things, like him and you just seeing one another once in a blue moon to... Paint the town red, you could say.
Your 'Closure' you are looking for his right here with me, dear. Let me give you some peace of mind right now for you and your Heart... Let sleeping dogs lie, you would be just barking up a wrong tree, please... Listen to me. There is someone out there who is More into what you want And... Is Entirely fitting for you.
Good luck. xx

bluesy33 · Accepted Answer

If you would like to tell him how much he meant to you over the past almost year, then you should. There's no harm in it. You know where he's at and where he's at, you have no expectations that telling him will lead to a relationship, nor do you want that, so go ahead! I can understand wanting to tell someone who meant something to you that they did before you don't see them again. You said you're moving next year, do you anticipate still seeing him during the rest of the time you are in the same area?

hellionthesage · Accepted Answer

Tell him how you feel when you feel it never wait. Right now you are guessing at what he feels and thinks and acting on that assumption. Clear communication is essential in relationships. Maybe you might find out you were wrong about him this entire time. As for the marriage thing, to be perfectly frank, a lot of guys don't want to get married because the marriage laws screw them. So it could be that he doesn't want to get married but would like a long term relationship. That said it isn't really fair to him that you are baseing everything on assumptions, its not how you would want to be viewed and I don't he does either. Talk to him and see what happens.

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

Why does his response matter? At this point, you know him well enough that your future is not with him, so what difference does it make how he responds? Suppose he fell down on his knees and started confessing his love for you; would you trust him? Would you want to stay and be with him? Suppose he says, "Too bad, 'cause I was never gonna fell that way about you, so you just wasted a year of your life"; what do you do with that comment?

On the other hand, if telling him will help you to close the book on this part of your life. . . tell him, but don't have any expectations that you will hear anything encouraging in return.

voltage · Accepted Answer

Reasons You Should Definitely Just Tell Him How You Feel

There are so many reasons why you should just tell him how you feel. For one, it would probably be a huge relief for you to finally get it off your chest. And, for another, it would give him the opportunity to respond in whatever way he sees fit. Maybe he feels the same way and has been waiting for you to make a move. Or, maybe he'll appreciate your honesty and respect your decision to be upfront with your feelings.

Here are just a few reasons why you should definitely tell him how you feel:

1. It's a huge weight off your shoulders.

Carrying around unspoken feelings is incredibly draining. It's like holding onto a secret that you're dying to tell someone. So, by finally telling him how you feel, you'll be freeing yourself from a huge burden.

2. He deserves to know.

If you've been harboring these feelings for a while, then he deserves to know. It's not fair to keep him in the dark. He has a right to know how you feel and what you're thinking.

3. It'll give you closure.

If you're not sure how he feels about you, then telling him your true feelings will give you the closure you need. One way or another, you'll know where you stand with him. And, if he doesn't feel the same way, you can move on knowing that you gave it your best shot.

4. It'll make you feel better.

Bottling up your feelings is only going to make you feel worse in the long run. It's much better to face them head-on and deal with the consequences. At least then you'll know that you did everything you could.

5. He might feel the same way.

There's always a possibility that he feels the same way about you. And, if that's the case, you'll be glad you took the plunge and told him how you felt. Imagine how amazing it would be to finally be on the same page with him!

So, those are just a few reasons why you should definitely tell him how you feel. It's a scary proposition, for sure. But, in the end, it's always better to be honest with your feelings. Only good things can come from it.

Sunsationalife · Answer

Well one day, after I had been with this guy for more then a few years. Sometimes I lived with him, (usually when I couldn't afford rent for a month, l. Until the end then it was for almost over a year ). He was older, cute, every girl was charmed and mezmorized The strange thing was, that every time we ran into each other out and about, he left with me. No matter. I liked it. At first I thought I want to marry this guy ( first time ever in my life actually) but after not so long I realized that no, I really didn't. When we first got together he said, look I don't want a relationship. Okay. Halfway through and a few other times he said it again (mostly I think because we were actually dating only each other, mostly. I went to jail, long story, no harm to anyone but me, he visited and when I got out the girl he was seeing while I was in jail was very upset that he wasn't going home with her. So I know where I'm at. Well my grandma got sick and only had a couple months left. I loved my grandma, she was a strong woman, and a path blazer. So... me and this guy, we're pretty good friends by now, neither of us has dated or seen anyone else for over a year, And he matter of factually tells me once again, you realize that I still don't want a relationship. I was a little shocked however, even though I knew I don't want bells and chapel's. I actually thought, why are you saying anything, we good. So the next day when he left to do what he does, I wrote him a letter that includes a two week quitting notice. Of course I mentioned the positive influence he had in my life and that I will always be proud that I can call him friend. To this day even though I haven't seen him for over yeah, I'm not old yet! I also scribed that I'm not coming back and with an old Irish blessing. So about 6 months later he calls my mom's house, he saved number and he asks when I'll be back. Nope sorry. Never told him why. 2 months after that he called me to tell me he was in a relationship with guess who, I guessed right of course, but why did he tell me what he knew I already knew. I said we were close right? He didn't need my permission. But I was genuinely happy for both of them. This guy is a tree faller, firefighter, ten years my senior, and by no means insecure or violent- yeah I might have married him. But never thought on it from the time I decided nah, never mind. It might have happened. Whoo knows. I don't know if that helped but I never regretted telling him what he meant to me. Most guys aren't heartless shallow dick's I find out. Some of the younger immature ones, just eewww. but If you guys do more then a booty call, and have a developing friendship, then tell him. It will do you both good. He obviously had a positive impact in your life. If you are doing it just to make sure he's not the one we who got away, then I would revaluate the situation. If you go there then no, don't tell him. Your friendship should be where it didn't intimidate you. Tell him your leaving, see. What he does. Did he suddenly give you attention, then maybe your not going anywhere., And what's so great about the city anyway. Or visa versa. Wait for Him to invite himself. ya know? Put those feelers out because I have the feeling your not so casual in just leaving it as is. If it was a true booty call, you would be. If you want to know do they love you back, because you feel so strong, so must they. Then ask yourself, how well do you really know him? How sure are you of the way you feel? What does he do for you even though you can do it for yourself? How does he make you feel about yourself? Is it a passionate crush, or real love? Chances of real love not being returned is pretty slim, passionate crush, always goes unreturned.

JSmith925 · Answer

In my experience, love always comes down to willingness. If he loved you enough, he would find a way to compromise about where you would live.

I cannot say if YOU should tell him. I can only say what I would do if I were in your position. I would tell him because I do not live by indecision. I would rather have free will.

By telling him, I know I have done everything I can to move in the direction I want. If he does not respond, then that is his choice.

When I look back over my life so far, my regrets are not for mistakes I made but for the opportunities I allowed to pass by.

JustinCaseUDontKnow · Answer

Yes, you need to give him a piece of your mind before you leave
and after your done move on with life but keep in mind whether you
want stay in contact with him or stop all communication also do
remember if you continue to communicate with him things won't
get better he has his mind made up and has made his choice,,

Yc2K15 · Answer

I think you should tell him sooner and try act as calm and mature as possible. If he starts to get angry tell him it's because you want more from the relationship. I think if you leave it till 2 days before, me personally, I would be much angrier that you didn't tell me sooner.
He may have made plans or told people about you, who knows? It's best you talk to him after dinner when he's full and relaxed.

AlbinoBlckBear · Answer

100% you should tell him.

Don't keep it to yourself, the not knowing will claw at you for days. If you leave and don't confess your feelings, your going to live wondering "what if I did?" you're going to start building all these scenarios in your head about how you did tell him, and imagining all these different outcomes but you'll never know for sure.
This actually happened to me not to long ago. Beautiful girl, she was moving away and because of that I knew that there would be nothing between us. But thinking of a slight possibility that there might, drove me insane. I confessed my feeling to her, but sadly she only saw us as "friends". Sure it hurt, but there was also this relief. Not having to constantly wonder or question what if. I had my answer... you should go out there and get yours.

GirlyGurl1 · Answer

I think telling him will just make leaving harder. You know it won't work so no reason in telling him. Move and you'll eventually find another guy who wants the same thing you want out of a relationship. There's a much larger dating pool in the big city. Have fun and enjoy your single life!

dolphiny · Answer

eh honestly i don't think it would do much. i don't think it's even a good idea for you guys to be together, because you're both at different points in your life. and from what you said, you think he enjoys being single. which he probably does.
telling him your feelings would only complicate things in my opinion. if you feel like you need to get it off your chest, then do it. but don't do it in hopes that he'll change his mind. i think thats a bad idea.
good luck!

SilenRose · Answer

I don't think you should tell him because it won't make a difference based on what you said about him. He doesn't want to go to the city and if by chance he reciprocates those feelings he might try to convince you to stay.

In short, sometimes closure isn't necessary. Not everything works out like the movies.

Katlikat · Answer

Definitely tell him.

Even though it probably won't change how thins will turn out, it's a good closure.
Not only to give him the true honest reason why you leave him, but also to let him know that you actually had some feelings, it's a relief to say it out loud!

sexyphil · Answer

I think you should tell him and face to face as well. It is going to hurt so don't make it any harder. It's not fair to just walk out and say nothing or text after you've gone. It seems to be the culture that younger people do everything by text and it is very cold and unfeeling at times and can hurt more than just facing someone. Just give him all the reasons and part friends... That also leaves the door open for a friends with benefits relationship later if you want it...

Anonymous · Answer

I think no one can assume how he would respond and taking the initiative to say something would he the best choice. I'd also consider giving more then one to two days becusee he and you will need thinking time. I'm in a relationship also with an older man. Very similar actually except we talked and talked and talked about eveyrhign and are in a steady relationship. Planning to be together. Only way to figure things out is to communicate.

madhatters4 · Answer

you should tell him sometime. sooner than later most likely. How will he respond? well it sounds like he doesn't want a relationship and doesn't want to move to a city so I think his response will be along the lines of what he's said in the past.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes communicate with him. Just because he older doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings too. I've dated younger women and had a few hurt my feelings. I got better at controlling my outward actions afterwards... but I still got hurt. Be polite, but straight up and honest. You're young... so you should enjoy your wanderlust.

KindHeartedBeauty · Answer

I dated a guy that age too, and he's the same way don't know what he wants, I say leave it alone because I believe they are selfish right now. And what if he really doesn't care as much as you would like him to?

Lauren_ourd · Answer

It is difficult because i think that no matter how well you get on, if you want different things in life eventually it will come to an end. Try speaking to him, you never know he may surprise you with how he feels.

Figleaf · Answer

He doesn't need closure. You do. You said he does not want a relationship. Leave it at that.

I date women in your age group all the time. Sure they get jobs and move away. We always part company and each go on to other relationships.

KDA20 · Answer

Yes, you should tell him to give yourself closure -How will he respond, I don't know that is why the conversation is so important for you to have - To find out how you both feel about each other.

madpete1111 · Answer

You should tell him now. You got one life. Live it your way even if it means having some difficult issues.

jaeHyunkim · Answer

Unrequited love is travesty. Open up to him. Whatever his response will be, it will be a load off your shoulders.

Eliora1 · Answer

I think that regardless of what he may say, you need to get your closure. Go for it. You owe it to yourself.

Kiran04 · Answer

I don't think it'll matter either way. The relationship will end, you will move, and you probably won't see much more of one another. Those are set in stone regardless of if you gush your feelings or not. I wouldn't bother.

MrTexan37 · Answer

I wouldn't he seems to not care either way so why bother now if its something YOU need to get off your chest make sure you word it to where you were glad you met and dont want to make it more than it is blah blah blah lol

rAiNbOwTeRdZ · Answer

Well, tell him how you feel. If he rejects you, you'll never see him again. If he accepts you, you can get in touch.

KFettario · Answer

I think it would give YOU some closure. Yeah... why not

Stacyzee · Answer

Tell him if it's something that will make you feel better.

Anonymous · Answer

You described this 47 year old I know to the tee. He's been hurt many times and don't trust anyone. From personal experience with a man like this, don't do it.

abundantlyrich · Answer

No. He's damaged goods. Leave him be!. he is not your boyfriend.

Starry_Night93 · Answer

Tell him. If he doesn't want anything else then move on.  If I was in his situation, I'd probably only want a friends with benefit thing only and nothing more.

Ashely_Princess · Answer

Yes you should tell him because if you don't then you'll regret it and it'll mess with your mind

Anonymous · Answer

Honestly, tell him how you feel. The right man for you would lay anything and everything down for the one he cares about. If he is the right one he will go to the moon and back for you. I wish you luck!

Anonymous · Answer

you won't "find happiness" or "live your life" in the big city. ohh the vanity. oh the immaturity... .

lovelypuff · Answer

yes if you cared about him he deserves an explanation and the truth.

HereForTheDay · Answer

Yes. Wouldn't that only be right?

hypermotard · Answer

Smell my stinky cheer shoes

Iron_Man · Answer

Yes you should big time

Bisexninja · Answer

Yes he has a right to know

Anonymous · Answer

You're moving and will be meeting new people.

Anonymous · Answer

yes. nothing can happen if he doesn't know

Thats · Answer

Yes! You should.

Not_Helping · Answer

Yea, sure.

Anonymous · Answer

yeah you should.

Anonymous · Answer

no just leave

blahblehblihblohbluh · Answer

thats fking hard