Should I tell him how I feel before I leave?

Well there's an older man I've been hooking up with for almost a year. I thought he was different than he turned out to be, and I hoped to have a relationship with him... I don't think he wants one at this time from what he has implied, and acts as though he never wants to get married. He seems to enjoy being single a lot.

I'm moving to the city next year, and I suppose he will probably spend the rest of his life here... It's a small rural town that he almost grew up in... I dislike the country and am here for limited reasons, and he dislikes the city. So I do know that even if he did want to be with me, there would be the issue and clash of the whole living situation. I am well over 10 years younger than him so if I stayed here it would prevent me from living my life... I honestly would like to tell him the day or two days before I leave how I feel, that I did not only want sex and had strong feelings for him, and wished that we could've been together even though it's not entirely fitting for me... Should I tell him to get closure? How do you think he will respond to it?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Why does his response matter? At this point, you know him well enough that your future is not with him, so what difference does it make how he responds? Suppose he fell down on his knees and started confessing his love for you; would you trust him? Would you want to stay and be with him? Suppose he says, "Too bad, 'cause I was never gonna fell that way about you, so you just wasted a year of your life"; what do you do with that comment?

    On the other hand, if telling him will help you to close the book on this part of your life. . . tell him, but don't have any expectations that you will hear anything encouraging in return.

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    • Not like that.. I mean do you think he will think I'm crazy, or would it sound sweet? I know I can't be with him because we are at different places in our lives.

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    • Okay, I would view something like this as sweet, pathetic, and tragic:

      Sweet, because it says something about your innocence and purity.
      Pathetic, because you never told him until you were getting ready to leave, and you never took a chance on pursuing what you wanted.
      Tragic, because your feelings are unrequited and you get hurt through no fault of your own.

    • Never told him because I don't feel comfortable, and one time when I did express subtle feelings he pushed me away. I'll probably mention that I'm moving before that actual day.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 25

  • Tell him how you feel when you feel it never wait. Right now you are guessing at what he feels and thinks and acting on that assumption. Clear communication is essential in relationships. Maybe you might find out you were wrong about him this entire time. As for the marriage thing, to be perfectly frank, a lot of guys don't want to get married because the marriage laws screw them. So it could be that he doesn't want to get married but would like a long term relationship. That said it isn't really fair to him that you are baseing everything on assumptions, its not how you would want to be viewed and I don't he does either. Talk to him and see what happens.

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  • In my experience, love always comes down to willingness. If he loved you enough, he would find a way to compromise about where you would live.

    I cannot say if YOU should tell him. I can only say what I would do if I were in your position. I would tell him because I do not live by indecision. I would rather have free will.

    By telling him, I know I have done everything I can to move in the direction I want. If he does not respond, then that is his choice.

    When I look back over my life so far, my regrets are not for mistakes I made but for the opportunities I allowed to pass by.

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  • you should tell him sometime. sooner than later most likely. How will he respond? well it sounds like he doesn't want a relationship and doesn't want to move to a city so I think his response will be along the lines of what he's said in the past.

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  • Yes, you need to give him a piece of your mind before you leave
    and after your done move on with life but keep in mind whether you
    want stay in contact with him or stop all communication also do
    remember if you continue to communicate with him things won't
    get better he has his mind made up and has made his choice,,

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    • I agree with you. I would say I would probably cut off communication so I could move on and find a guy that is more fitting for me. I think it would help give me closure by letting him now... he has no idea how strongly I've felt for him before.

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    • I don't believe in staying friends with exes either... he's not really an ex, but if I keep talking to him I don't know how I'll be able to move on and focus on getting someone new.

    • Yeah i see well i wish you well i know
      it's not easy i been there so many times :/

  • Yes, you should tell him to give yourself closure -How will he respond, I don't know that is why the conversation is so important for you to have - To find out how you both feel about each other.

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  • I think you should tell him and face to face as well. It is going to hurt so don't make it any harder. It's not fair to just walk out and say nothing or text after you've gone. It seems to be the culture that younger people do everything by text and it is very cold and unfeeling at times and can hurt more than just facing someone. Just give him all the reasons and part friends... That also leaves the door open for a friends with benefits relationship later if you want it...

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    • We kind of do have a friends with benefits relationship already, but it's not exactly official like that. We just hook up every once in awhile. I do plan to sit him down face to face and have a final talk with him before leaving. After that i will probably cut off all contact so I can move on and heal from the ordeal.

    • Do it gentlu=y abd it should all be ok... Best of luck XXXXX

  • 100% you should tell him.

    Don't keep it to yourself, the not knowing will claw at you for days. If you leave and don't confess your feelings, your going to live wondering "what if I did?" you're going to start building all these scenarios in your head about how you did tell him, and imagining all these different outcomes but you'll never know for sure.
    This actually happened to me not to long ago. Beautiful girl, she was moving away and because of that I knew that there would be nothing between us. But thinking of a slight possibility that there might, drove me insane. I confessed my feeling to her, but sadly she only saw us as "friends". Sure it hurt, but there was also this relief. Not having to constantly wonder or question what if. I had my answer... you should go out there and get yours.

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    • I do agree with you. It seems a little crazy because all we've had is casual sex, but I've always wanted more and have thought so much of him. I definitely think it would be a weight lifted off of my shoulders if I just told him.

  • I think you should tell him sooner and try act as calm and mature as possible. If he starts to get angry tell him it's because you want more from the relationship. I think if you leave it till 2 days before, me personally, I would be much angrier that you didn't tell me sooner.
    He may have made plans or told people about you, who knows? It's best you talk to him after dinner when he's full and relaxed.

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    • We don't go out to dinner or anything. All it is is sex. So I don't see why he would be angry about it. He's never asked me out before or anything.

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    • I still need to get away from here and move on with my life though. i don't want something to keep me here... I dislike this place and have plans to go to the military anyway.

    • well then you need to take yourself away and focus on yourself. Its not like time will end, you never know what could happen in the future. You can achieve a lot in a year if you have a clear mind.

  • Yes you should big time

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  • I don't think it'll matter either way. The relationship will end, you will move, and you probably won't see much more of one another. Those are set in stone regardless of if you gush your feelings or not. I wouldn't bother.

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  • He doesn't need closure. You do. You said he does not want a relationship. Leave it at that.

    I date women in your age group all the time. Sure they get jobs and move away. We always part company and each go on to other relationships.

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  • You should tell him now. You got one life. Live it your way even if it means having some difficult issues.

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  • Unrequited love is travesty.

    Open up to him. Whatever his response will be, it will be a load off your shoulders.

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  • I wouldn't he seems to not care either way so why bother now if its something YOU need to get off your chest make sure you word it to where you were glad you met and dont want to make it more than it is blah blah blah lol

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  • Tell him. If he doesn't want anything else then move on.

    If I was in his situation, I'd probably only want a friends with benefit thing only and nothing more.

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  • Yea, sure.

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  • Yes. Wouldn't that only be right?

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  • Smell my stinky cheer shoes

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  • Yes he has a right to know

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  • you won't "find happiness" or "live your life" in the big city. ohh the vanity. oh the immaturity... .

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    • You don't know that, or anything about my life and what I want. You are immature, and making ridiculous assumptions.

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    • vanity of vanities all is vanity. no parties, and no shopping will make you happier. in fact living in a rural area has many advantages. but my idea is... go. go, get dissapointed, get your fair amount of slapping from life, and in 15-20 years you'll see things in a more mature way... .

    • I am not into the country outdoors life. I do not like living in a town that has no privacy and everyone knows you and is in your business. People have their own preferences. I have been to the city multiple times and I love it. There are people dozens of years older than me that prefer the city over the country.

  • You're moving and will be meeting new people.

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  • Honestly, tell him how you feel. The right man for you would lay anything and everything down for the one he cares about. If he is the right one he will go to the moon and back for you. I wish you luck!

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  • Yes communicate with him. Just because he older doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings too. I've dated younger women and had a few hurt my feelings. I got better at controlling my outward actions afterwards... but I still got hurt. Be polite, but straight up and honest. You're young... so you should enjoy your wanderlust.

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    • I know he has feelings. I do agree, I think I would feel better if I told him how it was before moving on.

  • yes. nothing can happen if he doesn't know

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  • no just leave

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What Girls Said 22

  • Why fix what doesn't need to be Fixed, as they say? If you end up opening up a can of worms with someone who you Definitely will never have a future with, then it may lead to other things, like him and you just seeing one another once in a blue moon to... Paint the town red, you could say.
    Your 'Closure' you are looking for his right here with me, dear. Let me give you some peace of mind right now for you and your Heart... Let sleeping dogs lie, you would be just barking up a wrong tree, please... Listen to me. There is someone out there who is More into what you want And... Is Entirely fitting for you.
    Good luck. xx

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    • It won't lead to anything else. I am moving to a state sort of far away and will never be back here again. He won't even have my phone number when I change it. So if I said it then I would never see him again.

    • Yes, but with saying something, he is a guy.. he may prey on this and then you both may end up meeting again... this seems like a stone's throw from where I have traveled to. xx

  • You telling him this won't change a thing though. Closure comes from moving on with your life. You can do that without telling him. And I don't understand the need to tell him. You already know his opinion on things and you explaining your feelings to him won't change that. Nor will it change how you feel. Nor will it really help you move on. If anything it'll only be super awkward since he doesn't feel the same way, he'll probably just wonder why you're telling him this since you already know he only wanted the casual stuff. Just let it go. You can tell him goodbye and all that, but I just don't see why you would have to expose your feelings like this. I think you'll probably just get even more hurt since he definitely won't reciprocate them. It's almost as if you're doing this because you're hoping it'll magically change his mind somehow. Well let me tell you, it won't. Moving to a different city and starting a new life is closure. Confessing your feelings is not. You will gain nothing from it.

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  • If you would like to tell him how much he meant to you over the past almost year, then you should. There's no harm in it. You know where he's at and where he's at, you have no expectations that telling him will lead to a relationship, nor do you want that, so go ahead! I can understand wanting to tell someone who meant something to you that they did before you don't see them again. You said you're moving next year, do you anticipate still seeing him during the rest of the time you are in the same area?

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    • Probably will be. It's gone on for 9 months now and I don't have intentions to stop... I'm really bored and there's nothing to do here.

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    • Well, I think it's more than just because you're really bored and there's nothing to do where you are so you're "doing" him... haha ;) j/k Just enjoy the rest of the time you have left with him as fun. Of course, the danger is that since you have already developed deeper feelings for him than just a fun hook up, if you continue seeing him for even longer (there's still six months before the start of the new year even), you may find yourself even deeper and that might not be a good thing emotionally for you when time to say goodbye. You might consider starting a new hobby if you're bored (I learned how to play the guitar during a time I was in-between boyfriends for a long stretch of time) instead of continuing this with the guy, but I know that's hard. It will be easier to let him go when you are living in a new place and he's far away...

    • I'm attracted to him and I like him too... I'm actually less enthralled with him than I used to be since I've accepted the fact that there is no relationship and won't be...

      I know I could do better too. Sometimes when I see him I even think that. So in a way hooking up with him helps me emotionally. lol When I'm away from him I always feel a lot stronger for him. I do agree once I go somewhere else and start a new life it will be easier to move on to bigger things. This is a very small town and it's hard to get away from people here.

  • I think telling him will just make leaving harder. You know it won't work so no reason in telling him. Move and you'll eventually find another guy who wants the same thing you want out of a relationship. There's a much larger dating pool in the big city. Have fun and enjoy your single life!

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  • eh honestly i don't think it would do much. i don't think it's even a good idea for you guys to be together, because you're both at different points in your life. and from what you said, you think he enjoys being single. which he probably does.
    telling him your feelings would only complicate things in my opinion. if you feel like you need to get it off your chest, then do it. but don't do it in hopes that he'll change his mind. i think thats a bad idea.
    good luck!

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  • I don't think you should tell him because it won't make a difference based on what you said about him. He doesn't want to go to the city and if by chance he reciprocates those feelings he might try to convince you to stay.

    In short, sometimes closure isn't necessary. Not everything works out like the movies.

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  • Tell him if it's something that will make you feel better.

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  • Defiantly tell him your feelings and your reasons why you are going to leave. That way, he knows why, and you can leave closing the door behind you. If you don't tell him why there's a chance of him calling or trying to get back into life looking for an explanation. At this point, I don't think you have anything to lose by telling him how you feel. You are a woman that knows what she wants and if he is not willing to give that to you then you shall move on and find someone who is willing as well as capable as giving you what you want/need. His response will not matter, the only thing that will matter is your feelings afterward. You say what you need to say and move on from there. xx

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    • I do agree with you 100%. I feel like he should know, and it will help me move on by telling him so I'm not left wondering.

  • Definitely tell him.

    Even though it probably won't change how thins will turn out, it's a good closure.
    Not only to give him the true honest reason why you leave him, but also to let him know that you actually had some feelings, it's a relief to say it out loud!

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  • I dated a guy that age too, and he's the same way don't know what he wants, I say leave it alone because I believe they are selfish right now. And what if he really doesn't care as much as you would like him to?

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  • No. He's damaged goods. Leave him be!. he is not your boyfriend.

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    • She's straight not bi. Most girls are straight. So Don't tell her to get a girlfriend.

    • @floyd790 shut up and stop leaving bizarre comments in my thread. You are a control freak.

  • It is difficult because i think that no matter how well you get on, if you want different things in life eventually it will come to an end. Try speaking to him, you never know he may surprise you with how he feels.

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  • Yes you should tell him because if you don't then you'll regret it and it'll mess with your mind

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  • I think that regardless of what he may say, you need to get your closure. Go for it. You owe it to yourself.

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  • I think it would give YOU some closure. Yeah... why not

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  • Well, tell him how you feel. If he rejects you, you'll never see him again. If he accepts you, you can get in touch.

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  • Yes! You should.

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  • yes if you cared about him he deserves an explanation and the truth.

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  • thats fking hard

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  • I think no one can assume how he would respond and taking the initiative to say something would he the best choice. I'd also consider giving more then one to two days becusee he and you will need thinking time. I'm in a relationship also with an older man. Very similar actually except we talked and talked and talked about eveyrhign and are in a steady relationship. Planning to be together. Only way to figure things out is to communicate.

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  • yeah you should.

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  • You described this 47 year old I know to the tee. He's been hurt many times and don't trust anyone. From personal experience with a man like this, don't do it.

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    • He's way younger than 47. Yes he has been hurt which has turned him against relationships.

      why not though? what do you think might happen?

    • Because your about to leave. No need to express your feelings to a man you can't be in a relationship with. Especially one who's been hurt, this could hurt him also. He's already fragile.

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