Why hasn't my ex girlfriend picked up her belongings after dumping me?

[Anonymous]

It's been almost 3 months since my ex broke up with me, and 2 months since we last spoke in person. My ex left some expensive items at my place that I am sure she would want back. When we broke up I asked when she would be coming to get her belongings, and she said "when the dust settles", then we met in person about a month later to talk about the break up (the break up caught me off guard since everything seemed to be going well), and I again asked her when she was coming to get her stuff and her response was "soon". We are now going on 2 months since we last spoke, why hasn't she come to get her stuff? I know it will be awkward, but she is the one who dumped me, if she was fine with meeting to talk, then why is she delaying meeting to get her belongings? I don't want to be a jerk and throw everything away. I really cared about this girl and she knew that. She stayed at my house 4 days before we broke up and acted like everything was fine. She hung out at my house while I went to work (she was waiting for morning traffic to be over before going home), why wouldn't she take her stuff then if she was planning to break up with me 4 days later? I do not want to bring her stuff to her, as I feel it is her responsibility to get her belongings since she was the one who broke up with me, and because I always went out of my way to help her when we were together, like any good boyfriend should. I also don't want to mail it to her since she still owes me $200 for clothes I paid for one day when she forgot her wallet in her other purse. She promised to pay me back while we were together and never did. I didn't care about the money until after we broke up (I paid for these items about 3 weeks before she dumped me). Why is she doing this? The break up was unexpected on my part, she kept telling me how good I was to her, how I did everything right and that she couldn't have asked for a better guy (I'm assuming these were all lines since she dumped me).

[ttfhatter]

She is not being considerate to you. I would reach out and express that this is the third time now that you are asking her about this, but you really need her to come pick up her belongings. They are an inconvenience to you, and an unnecessary reminder of her lack of presence, for that matter. You want to respect her belongings, so you haven't thrown anything out, but if she hasn't returned to pick up her things by the end of the week, you're going to throw her things out.

3 months is more than enough time to pick up her belongings. And honestly, how much could that stuff have meant to her if she's been without them for 3 months?

You're not being mean by doing this: you're being assertive, setting a boundary, and sticking up for yourself.

[Asker]

Thanks for the feedback. The things she brought over were a few appliances, spare car keys, and clothes. Had this just been the clothes, I would have just thrown it out. Do you think she is doing this just to avoid me? Or is it a twisted way for her to leave the door open on us in case she wanted to come back? I'm asking because I don't understand her logic. She was the one who brought the items over, she was doing things that appeared like commitment, but then ran away when I reciprocated the commitment. She moved fast early on, then suddenly went cold on me one day. Is it weird that she stayed over 4 days before she dumped me? Wouldn't it have been perfect timing to take her stuff while I was at work? She also had a key to my house for a while and never came then either.

[ttfhatter]

It is all odd, but the only one who really knows what is going on is her. Clearly she is having some struggles that she has brought onto you. In a way, be thankful that it ended when it did as opposed to it continuing and her doing something like this much later on.

Obviously it is avoidance behavior, but beyond that? It would all be speculation on my part. Regardless of what is going on, she is a person you clearly need to have cut from your life. This is the time to really keep involved in the things that you love and make you feel like a whole person. Be surrounded by friends. Date. Whatever you're up to. And if she tries to reach out in any way you feel is NOT helpful to you, do not give her the chance to drag you into drama

[Asker]

Should I ask her for the money she owes me if/when I ask her to come collect her belongings?

It's a very frustrating situation, as she introduced me to her mother 2 weeks before she dumped me. I kind of wonder if she is commitment phobic. It sucks because I really did like her and tried to be the best boyfriend that I could to her. When she broke up with me, she kept saying how she should want to move in with me, but that she always hits a wall in relationships where she seems to not be able to break through and be truly happy. Her dating history seems to be filled with guys who treated her badly and were not actually available to her. She said she wanted a nice guy, and when I was that guy she seemed to like it for a while then must have overthought it and ran. It's annoying to be a nice guy and know she is likely chasing more bad guys. I know I shouldn't worry about that, but it's hard not to when you care about someone.

[ttfhatter]

I would ask, as it's your right, but I wouldn't hold your breath, either.

I'm sorry, you're right she clearly has some sort of problem with that. And it's not for you to fix, either. In the future, look for someone who values you just as much as you value them. People can have whatever problems, so long as they do not get in the way of how they treat you. She's done too much wrong here to really fix what happened.

As for the "nice guy" thing, well please try not to get attached to that mantra, as that will only create further unpleasantness and bitterness. Plus I'm not too fond of that mentality, it's rather victim, "oh woe is me." She clearly is someone who doesn't value herself well, perhaps looks for men who recreate behaviors of her father figure, etc. In actuality, dwelling on it won't make you happier.

Just look at the facts on how you feel.

[PropaneAccessories]

I don't know how the legal system works there, but I'd write a notice saying she has 7 days from whenever to pick up her stuff or it would be dumped. Keep a copy of it, and if she hasn't picked it up, get rid of it if you don't want it. You're not a storage company nor her dumping grounds. If she tries to sue, you have proof that you gave her plenty notice.

[Asker]

Thanks, but I'm not worried about the legalities of the issue. I'm more concerned with why she is doing it, why she said she would come but didn't on multiple occasions, and why it was such a sudden break up. She dumped me, she created the awkward situation, and if she doesn't care about me, then I can't see awkwardness would be a concern. She is 31 years old, and is acting like a child, hiding from a situation she created and wanted.

[PropaneAccessories]

That might be something you should straight up tell her.
Being straight to the point and honest but not completely blunt is usually the better way to go about it.