Girls, Why won't my ex give my belongings back when I gave her stuff already?

[Anonymous]

Last Saturday we had a big fight where she stated she was done with our relationship and I moved out. Before moving out she said she'll give me another chance because she loved me but things would be different and i had to change, I agreed. The next few days we had very little small talk over text and she became increasingly distant with 1 word answers. On Tuesday I asked to drop off a letter and a textbook she needed and after reading my apology letter she said she made herself clear that it was over. After I begged and cried to see her in person she agreed to see me and tell me to my face that it was all a mistake, that she felt a million times better without me the past few days and that she was firm in that we'll never be together again and how she needs to work on herself. Every question I asked to get closure like "didn't you love me?" Or "where did I go wrong?" was labelled as me being manipulative. She gave me a hug goodbye and gave me a sad look. While she walked back to her car i asked if I could grab my belongings, she said I could tomorrow. After the talk I texted her saying thank you for the talk and which things I needed. The next day I sent her more texts of things I needed and called her twice, 1 of them she declined. She got irritated after ignoring me the whole day after I asked if we could be adults in this situation of giving things back and she said fuck you and that she's give me my things, she has yet to text me or to give me my things despite the fact I already left her stuff at her door. she's on tinder now despite her saying she'd never use it or her saying she's the type to always end things in person yet almost refuse to see me the night she dumped me. I'm so confused, I haven't texted her in 3 days now and i just want my things so I can move on

[HollyK21]

Its like a power move, tbh, and the motive behind it is hard to pinpoint. Maybe she doesn’t believe that you guys are over for real, like despite the fight, separation and the fact that she’s on tinder, it’s only been a few days and historically you two always get back together, so she anticipates you “begging” for her back in no time. There could be other factors as well, like she’s angry and/or hurt. Regardless, you can’t worry about all that right now. I think the best move would have been to take your things in the first place (or at least the most that you could), because unfortunately not everyone is going to be nice or civil about the breakup. So move on without the stuff the best you can, I’ve lost things in a breakup as well but trying to get the items without involving the police will only prolong your ability to move on. I think this will also give you a good reason not to go back, because she is dishonest and who wants someone like that?

[Asker]

Tysm for your input, I tried taking everything but forgot a few things at her place. She threatened to hit me and said fuck you during the argument and when I asked for my things back. She's downloaded tinder once to try and get back at me once for an argument where I rejected to watch a video, so maybe she's trying to anger me again. It all hurts badly because she claims she's the only man she ever loved, how i was the only person to ever respect her, and how she wanted a family. I was there for her when no one else was, and perhaps I did too much for her. I've been going to the gym daily and quit smoking since and that's been helping but I wish it was instant. It hurts that this isn't the person i fell in love with and how I wasted my time effort and resources again... thank you again :)

[HollyK21]

I’m sorry you’re going through all of this, truly. Breakups are hard enough without your ex finding whatever thing they can to hurt you with one final time. If she’s showing you anything, it’s that she is manipulative and controlling, which is not the sort of “love” you should want to lock yourself into for the rest of your life. Her approach to dating and healing is very childish/destructive, and you don’t strike me as the sort of person who is operates that way. You need someone who doesn’t make you beg, hurt you on purpose, and has fully healed from past relationships. Otherwise you will keep dealing with such toxicity. Anyway, unless she is reaching out about giving you your things (preferably leaving them somewhere so you don’t have to interact face to face, giving her the opportunity to act ridiculous in person), then do yourself a big favor and ignore her. She will be very shocked to see that you’re really done, and probably try to weasel her way back into dating, whether it’s with crying, arguing, gaslighting, victimizing herself, or whatever she already knows will pull you back in. But I wouldn’t go back if I were you, it’s just a toxic cycle that will only continue to repeat itself, because it’s far too soon for any real change to have happened. You’re stronger than you think and you can do it.

[Asker]

Thank you so much, you made me feel a lot better and your insight is super helpful :) take care