Got dumped. We were exclusive, I thought we were in a relationship. Apparently we were not?

Dated a man. He was amazing to me. a gentleman, respectful, reliable and treated me like he really liked me. He wasn't perfect, but, when we had issues we quickly hashed them out and returned to bliss. In the beginning of our courtship I told him my biggest fear was a man using me for sex. And I did not "go to men's homes, or sleep with them unless i was the only woman that was going home with him, sleeping with him, and we were not seeing other people, nor would we be looking for other people" after offering this information to him. He said he wasn't seeing other people, and deleted his dating apps. we spoke again about it a week or so later, and we both came to the agreememt that we were both on the same page about this exclusivity. I still hesitated to go home with him, to see if he was really committed to this. After proving himself to me, I ended up going home with him and we became physically intimate. ( I would say this happened 6 weeks into the courtship)

Everything was going great, until I started to feel this may not be a relationship. He was doing everything right at first, but whenever his family came to visit I was forbidden to come over, and he didn't make the effort to see me that week outside of his home. Only 2 months in, I don't expect nor want to meet his family. But something about this made me feel this wasn't a real relationsjip? So I asked him, what I am to him and if we are in a committed relationship at his home the day I got to see him... And I was met without a response. He couldn't tell me what I was to him. I ended up getting extremely emotional and cried the entire night. To make a long story short, we exchanged messages In which he ultimately said he was not committed. He likes me, but feels like I like him more, than he likes me.

So here I am feeling used, and misled because we agreed to commit to each other but in his eyes it was never a relationship, and I was never was his girlfriend. Please someone explain
Please someone tell me how I got here, and how I can make sure this doesn't happen again. I am devastated.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I may be wrong... but...

    I think this may have been a misunderstanding. You were very clear you would only move forward with monogamy, and he agreed to that. And from what you've said, to your knowledge he WAS monogamous.

    You took that to mean it was a 'serious' relationship. He took it to mean you were dating exclusively, and perhaps either would see where things went, or... I don't know. My guess is at THAT stage one week or so on, he was willing to be monogamous and see where things went.

    Did he ever say he was in love?

    I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't think you got used. I think that you liked him more than he liked you. That sucks, but doesn't mean you got mistreated. I'm sorry you're hurt.

    • For me, not seeing anyone... Or not looking for others means I am in a relationship with this person, what else does it mean? I didn't want to be married to him for heavens sake. But can I get a label?

      What exactly is a labeless relationship? We became exclusive after almost 2 months in... If this man cannot tell me how he feels about me in any shape way form, then It was never. RelTionship as he led me to believe in my opinion.

      When he's telling me he wants to "build trust" with me, etc and things of this nature... Doing everything a boyfriend should, not seeing anyone, deleting dating Pps, not looking for anyone... do you not think I was being misled thAt things were going in the direction of a relationship?

      Yes I did like him, the problem is if you DONT LIKE SOMEONE that much... Why do all of this? I didn't pursue him!

    • I actually ended things with him several times because I felt like he was only in it for the sex, and he persisted and did everything to change my mind.. Who does this when they don't really like someone? Why wouldn't I like a person who worked so hard to try to get me? And prove themselves to me?

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What Guys Said 3

  • He is not ready for what you are ready for. He strung you along for his own personal selfish reasons. If a man is really into you he will want you to meet his friends and his family. That is usually sign number 1 that he likes you.

    Don't beat yourself up over sleeping with him. I know you feel betrayed, but for every guy like him, there are 10 others who would do right by you. You did everything right by not sleeping with him so fast, but don't let him deter you from thinking all guys are like that. He has some issues with commitment it sounds like. Keep your head up!

  • "Whenever his family came over I was forbidden to come over, and he didn't make the effort to see me that week outside of his home."

    That, in and of itself is an obvious source of concern. As such, I'm to believe you simply failed to check all boxes. As the saying goes, one is often judged by the company one keeps. You failed, frankly, to become familiar with his family and, I suspect, his inner circle, et cetera. You failed to see their interactions and their reactions towards him. In doing so, I you increased your chances of being duped by him.

  • Giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you didn't leave out any major details, or aim to fulfill a narrative in your head that was disjointed from reality, this seems impossible to avoid.

    He did everything to signal commitment and make you comfortable enough to open up. Like a true snake of a man, he was patient and worked his way around the guard. Not your fault on that one, and you can't raise your guard without harming future prospects.

    This man is slime for what he did. He showed just enough respect to get what he wanted, and in a flash he reverted to his true colors.

    Your only defense is to pick men who aren't of his ilk. I'm assuming he's the kind of guy to have it all, and as a result his options are limitless. If what you value is so strong, you need men who share those values. Forget the other, shallow stuff.


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