Will I ever hear from my ex again?

[bruette]

Me and fiance split up 3 months ago, he left me and it was a total shock so I have been totally devastated ever since, esp when he had proposed to me only 3 months earlier, we were also living together for nearly a year I got upset over something daft the night b4 and this lead to him leaving the following day saying he didn't love me anymore, since then it has come out that he has kinda suppressed his feelings a few times over times when I would get upset over daft things and he has not really told the truth as to how he really felt about it to himself or to me and as a result he doesn't love me anymore, not only that I have found out since he left that I have put him down a few times (I didn't realize I was doing that, I have been suffering from low esteem cos of work problems, and was totally horrified and have really hated myself since, when he told me this, but he knows now I didn't mean it and didn't know wot I was doing)



I have been to hell and back since he left, I miss him so much, he says he has felt numb since he left, I didn't know you could feel numb for this length of time? He has also said he misses our life together, but he says he doesn't feel miserable but doesn't feel happy either, life just feels drab, feels like his life it on hold like it has been paused.



We had the happiest and most wonderful 3 years together, it was so loving and we shared a very special connection, no words can describe just how special it was, and we have both said that we will never get wot we had with anyone else.



Since he left, we have tried being friends, there was still strong friendship between us, but it then got so hard cos he was feeling so guilty about hurting me so much, and I kept quizzing him all the time, I was hopeless, I couldn't help it, he told me that he wished his feelings for me would come back cos we were so good together, that made me quiz him more cos it gave me false hope him saying that although the last thing he wanted to do was give me false hope cos he doesn't want to hurt me again. when I said if a miracle happened and his feelings came back, he then said don't say it like that, that it would take a miracle and he got upset by it. In all my quizzing I think I have managed to p*ss him off cos two weeks ago I rang him and he was horrible to me, it was like he was a different man to the one I knew for 3 three years, he was shouting at me saying he was sick of me, and said I am playing mind games? and that he doesn't want to see me again and that he won't change his mind, I was crying by now and he was so cold and just said oh god don't you start crying.That was two weeks ago and haven't heard from him since, I keep hoping he will ring or text to say he didn't mean to be cruel to me.



Will I ever hear from him again? or am I just stupid in not realizing he just doesn't want to know me anymore, I'm so confused. I wish he would gone back :-( What happened to the lovely man I was with for 3 years, is he hurting and angry with me or does he hate me? :-(

[Middleman]

It looks like you both have issues of your own you need to solve. It may not be 'psychological' as sumina7 says, but it certainly deserves a good looking into.

1) For starters, I think your issue in handling 'little things' seems to be the biggest query here. If this was what happened the night before you broke up, then this has to be a major contributing factor. As far as I know, guys do not like to argue over petty things, and if you do it shows to him how 'little' of a person that you are. It is not cool to be petty nor is it nice. Guys want a loving and forgiving partner, not one that argues. This is probably why he broke up with you.

2) Lack of commitment from fiance? This is probably another factor...your fiance is maybe too afraid of commitment right at the last minute either due to emotional or financial issues. This can be an issue especially if he is not financially stable or has recently lost a job within the past year (I've known some friends on G&G who've had this issue with their partners and broke up purely for financial reasons).

3) Fiance has met another person? This is the least likely issue though not entirely impossible. It is quite possible your fiance has met someone else before he broke up with you or in the period right afterwards. Hence his aversion to getting back together with you.

4) He is unsure of his feelings towards you and/or resents your pettiness in some way. This is a still possible scenario, that your ex is with noone else, but doesn't want to be with you because your pettiness to him feels like killing the relationship. If this is the case then you need to sit down and talk with him about it...if you still can that is.

He is obviously upset with you over something and you need to know exactly what that is. The best way around this is to find a mutual friend who knows you both, and ask them somehow to arrange a meeting with you both. If not, then at least get the friend to talk to your ex as an intermediary for you both, and see if you can work things out from there. Ask them to ask him what he felt was wrong with you, and see if you can come to some sort of amicable agreement where you change your attitude to be more loving/affectionate towards him and/or vice versa. If not resolvable this way then it totally means its over, and you'll just have to look towards moving on without him. I know its hard to do...but its the most sane and logical thing you can do.

[bruette]

I was very loving and affectionate towards him, we had a very loving relationship, it wasn't really petty things I got upset about, or maybe they were and usually linked back to my self esteem problems. I darent get in touch with my ex as much as I really want to see him, but he was horrible to me last time we spoke and I'm scared he will be the same way with me if I get in touch him, I don't know wot to do except really hope he will get in touch with me?

[Middleman]

If he has such an attitude, I don't think it is a good idea to contact him right at this moment. The sad truth is, if he doesn't want to talk to you nobody can persuade him to do so BUT himself.

I'm helping out a friend who has a similar scenario as you, except she had been out with this other guy for over 6 months before they broke up. It was the same thing...they were engaged etc. before they broke up. And what happened was....he went to another woman.

[bruette]

Thanks for your advice I really do appreciate it. I did ask him if he had met someone else but he always promised there was noone else and to be honest I believe him. There is something he has said to me afew times since we have spilt up, he said it again on that last phone call, he said "i never want to feel how you made me feel" It has shocked me him saying that cos I feel horrible that I have unknowingly put him down, but don't know how I have put him down to the extend he keeps saying this?

[Middleman]

It seems from here he was well p*ssed off! If a guy complains to you in this way, you must've seriously hurt his feelings. What did you do or say exactly? (on the day before you broke up?)

[bruette]

The night b4 I was stupid getting upset, he went to the cinema cos won a competition, I didn't go cos I'm hard of hearing and is too much of a struggle to hear there, I got p*ssed off over him going, I don't know why I got upset over something this daft.

I don't know if he is angry or hates me, he also said on this phone call that I should be over him by now! this hurts like hell him saying that does this mean he must be over me? I can't think what else it could mean him saying this?

[bruette]

After nearly 4 weeks of no contact I decided to phone him cos I was hurtin so much, he said he didn't mean what he said on our last phone call and can't even remember what he said he was just feeling angry, but said he still feels the same and doesn't even want us to be friends, this really hurts but I have no choice but to respect this wishes, thing that is confusing me is he sounds depressed he hasn't been out at all last 3 months and said its not just me he doesn't want to see he doesn't want to see any1

[sumina7]

Both of you seem to have deep psychological issues.

You have recognized your low self esteem, perhaps caused by a critical parent? No external issue, like problem at work, should cause you to lose self confidence if you had appreciative parents. You need to look into that.

Your boyfriend seems to be too needy and insecure. Perhaps due to a parent being distant. That is why he was unable to express his anger when you were "putting him down" and during a fight over somethin daft. All the suppressed anger is coming out now and he is finally able to express it.

Treat this crisis as an opportunity to solve your own issues as well as get the realtionship back on a better footing.

It is as if both of you are joined together with a strong bond but floating in turbulent waters which is throwing you around. Make him feel that he can tell you where you are going wrong and what he wants without worrying that this will cause strains in the relationship. Also give him some space but be available.

Allthe best!

[bruette]

Really appreciate your reply, I really need help to understand wot is happening with me and my ex. I have been getting help with my self esteem problems, I have been going for councilling. You say I should give him space but be available, but how can I be available to him when the last thing he said to me was that he never wanted to see me again and won't change his mind? :-(

[sumina7]

People can say all kinds of thing when angry. Let the anger blow off and things can change. If you are unhappy let him see that you are unhappy.

[Reeses-pieces777]

Sometimes you might meet unexpectedly at the grocery market or something. I did run into one of my ex's and it was awkward so I just pretended someone call me and funny thing is, he did also pretend someone had call him. and we both looked away. Just be happy you're away from someone who wasn't a good choice for you and find the time to recover, move on and build a healthier and better relationship with someone else better. good luck

[Anonymous]

if he told you over and over he dsnt love you accept it chica and move on... You can be his freind but only when ur ready and you are over him. By being his friend and just his friend not arguing or bringing up the past maybe then he will fall in love with you again.

[martyfellow]

I don't think you'll hear from him for a long time if ever. He's convinced, correctly it sounds, that you are playing mind games with him.

Could I ask what 'daft' thing you got angry with him about? 'Daft.' You must be English.

[bruette]

Hand on heart I haven't played any mind games, I wouldn't know how to, I'm not that kind of person, I hope he doesn't really think that cos I spoke to him couple of weeks ago he said he didn't mean and can't even remember what he said on phone call, he said it was just anger.

The daft thing was what I put in my answer below to middleman, about going to pictures.

He doesn't want to speak or hear from me anymore so its very difficult, he did really want to be friends then changed his mind, I don't no why.