I'm losing respect for my boyfriend due to his behaviour. What should I do? Should I leave him because I can't stay with a man without honour?

[emma100]

When I'm with him he stares and notices other girls. I want him to be present with me and make conversation for some time at least. Once I was sitting with him and he was continously looking at some other girl for maybe half hour. I said nothing but when we got up and had to leave the place his eyes weren't just getting off that girl and I really did hurt a lot. So I asked him and first he said that he wasn't looking and later admitted was staring at her but not in that sense. He said that he was thinking who she was talking to on the phone because one of his friends who already is in a committed relationship was flirting with her, so it was for him that he was staring that girl to tell him about this. Is this really something I should believe in. Again once we were sitting some of his friends came by to talk about some drama going on in music Club of which he is a part and there he completely ignored me or kind of came to me once or twice but for the remaining of the time we had he was standing with them and talking. Later on when I told him that I didn't feel good because I wanted some time to talk as we were fighting since last night and I wanted to spend some quality time with him which he was aware of. But he told me that I have to understand in such case that he had to talk to them as he was the part of the group and when he told me that he was talking about some xyz topic, but I remember that this wasn't the topic they were discussing about. It was something else. He didn't even remember the topic of discussion. He also said that he can't expect them to understand that he has to spend time with me but he can expect me to understand that he had to talk to them or else it'll be rude. I don't deny that but he should have come to me for at least 15 mins, I wouldn't bother if he had given the remaining time to them. I felt like I didn't exist. Also I suspect that he is interested in one girl from that group of friends he was talking to and was closing up on him

[Moray]

Listen to your heart in this and think about it carefully. Personally, I think he is being very disrespectful towards you and takes you for granted, big time. You deserve a man who values and cherishes you, and most of all commits to you.

[emma100]

He says that he is committed to me and also said that I was overthinking and we have also discussed about all this a million times and he never gets tired of it and always listens to me patiently. But one thing that did hurt me a lot was that he was being defensive while discussing this. He said that I had a problem from that girl but I swear it was nothing like that. I can't hate anyone ever. He should know me this much. Also he asked me to promise that I won't have any problems related to that girl. What does this mean?

[Moray]

If the girl, who was supposedly "under observation for the sake of a friend" by your boyfriend, if she isn't the only girl your boyfriend looks at while being with you, then his reasoning is ridiculous. Does your boyfriend watch other girls too?

What exactly does he mean by asking you to not have problems with girl?
To me it sounds like it could be nothing or then a huge red flag if he asks you to let go of this girl issue. He either is tired of arguing about it and asks that you'd let it be for the sake of peace, or then by asking that he wants to unfairly make sure he's free to do what he wants with the girl (to watch and keep you silent) and that's not right.

[emma100]

Yes he stares at other girls too but not for this long. He stared at this girl just this one time but it was as if he was completely immersed in her. I also caught him staring at a girl who is after him like hell because he rejected her once and she was all into him but he rather chose me. But he didn't admit that he was staring her so as to avoid hurting me as per him. And he admitted later that he has this habit of checking out other girls but he has no such feelings for them and love me and also for me he avoids doing it but I don't want him to be something he's not. I guess he'll stare at them girls when I'm not around but just for my sake he won't do it infront of me. I don't want him to be someone else just to please me.

[emma100]

I want a real connection to be connected to him at every level and be open about who we really are. That's what I want. But I can't digest the thing that he stares at other girls if that's what he really is. God... I'm so messed up right now... Please help me. I just can't get my mind off this topic and I also can't focus on my work... I need to find a way out. .

[emma100]

I'm also scared of losing him because he does love me. Also i've asked him to let go of this relation before but he always holds on. We keep on discussing this shit for several hours and it's really a mental tension to both of us but he still never let me go. Why does he always hold on? I just don't get boys. He says that he lies sometimes just to avoid fights. But he has promised me that he'll work on that as well. Just tell me one thing, him asking me for a promise that I won't have any problem with that girl ever. Does this mean that he values or has more priority for that girl than me. Because he chose not to understand what my problem was but rather focused on making me promise this. This is my perspective but you being a guy maybe able to help me in a better way. Maybe there is some other way I could look at it

[Moray]

Hmm. He says he is committed to you while still looking at other girls? I don't know him but sounds like his idea of commitment is that of being in a relationship + lusting after others. Is this the commitment level you are content with in your heart?

Pardon me for not sugarcoating but lots of guys (and even girls) in today's world think it's "normal" to freely look at others while you're with someone. I don't agree with it in the least but this question is about your feelings. You mentioned you don't want him to change for you if he likes to look at other girls even though you can't stand it? Isn't it a bit contradictory? Does it then come down to your personalities being too different?

[Moray]

That said, it's nice that he has good qualities too, like listening to you patiently and if he really loves you and chose you over someone else. However, it sounds like you're still feeling emotionally neglected by him. Is your idea of commitment different from his? Or are you a bit too insecure due to his other female relations? <- I don't condone his behaviour, just trying to bring as many possible angles visible. In my view, not nurturing a relationship is what is currently happening from his side to some degree, maybe he doesn't think so or realize it. The bottom line is you're not meeting eye to eye.

[Moray]

The question I have about his relation with the girl is, is it just friendship or more? Or he likes to "just look at" his female friend? I would understand him more if their friendship was platonic and he'd like to defend that against possible insecurity from SO, but in any case making such request of you never being bothered by the girl issue again is unfair and not justified. In its current form it sounds like a justification and a free pass for him to enjoy whatever his reasons for that particular human relation are.

[Moray]

* Or are you a bit too insecure due to his other female relations? <- I don't condone his behaviour, just trying to bring as many possible angles visible. In my view, not nurturing a relationship is what is currently happening from his side to some degree, maybe he doesn't think so or realize it.

^ Copypasted it last time but gag left the remainders out. Above is the full remainder of the response.

[Moray]

What the heck, this copypaste thing is messed up big time now. Hold on please, I'll add every text of mine carefully.

[Moray]

Wrote all of this with Evernote and posted the responses through the GAG mobile app, the screen first showed that the responses were cut short, but now it looks like they did get through in their entirety. Sorry for the mess.

[emma100]

Thank you so much that you are trying to help me and listen to me. I needed this very badly. As a human I really respect and appreciate you for this effort. I am in such a big trouble right now and my mental peace is just ruined completely. I usually don't like sharing stuff publicly but I had no other option this time. I just couldn't think over the idea. And the girl I'm talking about is just a friend and his junior. She is also in a relationship with one of his close friend but due to some circumstances that girl is in a long distance relationship so I suspect maybe he has some feelings for her and that girl just is way to open minded like would be coming near him or touching him while having a conversation with him. Maybe it's normal for her but I don't feel comfortable and the fact that I don't speak a lot when she comes over makes me feel neglected. I have insecurities, I agree and maybe I don't want to trust someone and get hurt again as my past experiences weren't that good.

[emma100]

It's okay. I guess I'm the bigger mess at the moment 😅

[emma100]

And yes, I'm not comfortable with him staring at other girls. I mean what's the point of looking at someone else when you already have a person in your life. I'll always be there for him no matter what and he knows that. You see, it drains me internally to see that even after giving in my all the person I love just doesn't think of me of enough value to be treated nicely. But I have to think about him as well so I just don't leave him because it would hurt him a lot and would shift his focus from his work. I just can't be selfish. So I try to understand him and say to myself that maybe I'm overthinking and just let things be. But this time I'm messed up badly and can't handle anything.

[Moray]

You're welcome and I'm glad if some of the thoughts help you, and thank you for saying so kindly to me, that is an honor and I respect you a lot back for that.

Are you sure those things happen between them? If the girl gets touchy with your boyfriend it's disrespectful of her towards you, no matter how open minded or extrovert her personality may be. And I really cannot respect your bf‘s behaviour either if that kind of stuff keeps happening between them and he still insists you'd let it be. Basically it sounds like "let me be touchy and enjoy myself with this girl I find attractive." To me that's not being faithful.

[Moray]

I agree with that sentiment, why are people in a relationship when relationships are supposed to be about commitment to one person and they act contrary to that? It sounds like you're giving him all of you but he likes liberties that don't belong in a relationship, and that makes you feel like you're never enough when he needs other girls for eye pleasure. You don't deserve that. You deserve equal input from your man. It is noble from you to think of him and not wanting to be selfish but I dare say here that you are being wronged by him. You're feeling emotionally neglected because of his actions. Your needs are not being met halfway, it sounds to me like you're meeting his to the best of your ability but he is not doing the same for you.

[emma100]

The things you wrote is what I want him to understand. I just don't get it how to communicate this with him. It's not like I want to take away his freedom or something but he won't be comfortable too if I would do the same. I want to stay with him and make all this work because I still believe that there are parts of him which I admire a lot. No one is perfect and I get that but I want him to make amends regarding this issue of mine. I don't know how will he understand this because I'm really trying hard not to give up on him. Just suggest me how to get him understand this. Please. And thanks again. You really seem to be a good human. God bless you

[Moray]

It's a tricky one as he gets defensive easily and blames you for "overreacting". By stating that he just unfairly tries to wipe the issue off the table. I would still suggest you'll try to talk about how what he does makes you feel, tell him what he does is hurting you. I know you'll probably want to keep it clean as possible but should need arise, I would ask him the hypothetical question of whether he would be fine with you messing with other guys, how it would make him feel.

[Moray]

Tell him that you're not feeling loved by him because of what he is doing.

[Moray]

These are just suggestions. I'm trying to imagine how as a guy I could understand this message if it came from a girl to me.

[emma100]

Okay. Thank you so much. I'll try and make him understand things this way. Hope it works. Fingers crossed.

[Moray]

You're welcome and I hope he listens to you and it all works out. God bless!

[CuriousMufuxka]

Dude is chaining you along.. You should leave, but probably won't. It's a feeling of unfinished business. A desire to get out what you put in.

[apple24]

Sure.