How can I best deal with my toxic (future) in-laws?

[Anonymous]

I have been struggling lately with how I feel about my fiancé's parents and how I don't really want a relationship with either of them.

His dad is a bully who has no respect for anyone, but demands it out of others. He jumps at every opportunity to attack others and belittle them, including his children (and me). He doesn't respect anyone's opinion if they differ from his own and basically feels his children owe him their lives just because he raised them (he doesn't do anything else for them now and hasn't since they've moved out).

His mom is extremely selfish. Nothing she does is out of the goodness in her heart, it feels like she's just waiting to cash in if she does anything. She's going through a breakup right now and it's stressed us out to no end because she blows everything out of proportion and has unnecessarily involved all of her adult children in the chaos. She can't properly deal with her finances and can barely afford any of her bills. Her boyfriend (that is breaking up with her due to constantly being made to feel guilty about everything and continuously accused of cheating. Did I mention she cheated on my fiancé's dad twice during their marriage?) was paying for the mortgage on the house and HER car insurance among other things. For four years, she's only been paying for groceries and cable though we are fairly certain she makes enough to live on and had a substantial payout from the divorce. I fear when she has to move out on her own, she won't be able to manage and she'll get evicted... And then we will have to take care of her since my fiancé is the eldest and we are the most financially stable. I also fear it's driving a wedge between my fiancé and I since I'm losing respect and empathy for her since she just continues to do stuff like this.

Any advice on how to deal with toxic people you more or less have to be in contact with would be helpful... Feel free to also tell me I'm being a jerk if that's the case. I just hate this whole situation!

[talloak]

Assuming you are not exaggerating any of these descriptions of the future in-laws, I don't think you're being a jerk. I think you have every reason to be concerned. If this is driving a wedge between you now, how much more will it after you're married. I suggest you and your fiancé come together to a detailed mutual understanding about how you two will deal with both parents in the future. Things like: how long can they visit you, what are your financial obligations towards them in the future, can either of them move in with you and then under what terms, etc. Come up with reasonable and practical contingencies in case a parent tries to violate your terms. Once you have full agreement, write everything down and make it clear that you will hold him to those terms. If your fiancé is unwilling or unable to come up with reasonable limits, I would suggest you rethink what your future will be in this family. Such people as you describe easily have the power to destroy marriages if even one spouse allows them that power.

[RobLovesDemi1234]

I can't even stand my own family I sure as hell don't expect Demi to like mine. In fact if the day ever comes when she asks to meet mine I'm in shit creek/deep shit because my "family" are a bunch of socio and psychopaths. So imagine how I feel in that situation and if your fiance doesn't like his family then I can totally relate to the situation especially having his woman (you) meeting and dealing with them. So trust me you're preaching to the choir on this situation. Best advice I can give you is to just blow off loads of steam when you get out of their place like when you're in the car just scream on top of your lungs as long as they can't hear you. It's what I do every single time I leave my psychotic family's home

[pleasestopthis]

This may be a huge strain in your marriage later on so you should talk about this with your fiance in advance and tell him how you feel about his parents. The sad reality of getting married is that you also marry his family and his problems and communication is the key to solve those problems.

[nerms123]

I think when you marry someone you marry their family. Unless your fiancée cuts ties with his toxic parents then they will become your toxic in laws that you’ll have to deal with. If he’s not willing to put your life together ahead of them then your only other option is to call it off.

[Renee93]

I know you may truly love this guy, but a toxic family can make for a miserable marriage. I've seen my parents go through similar things. You may want to reconsider the relationship sweetheart. Things probably aren't going to get better, unless you too move far away from them all. 😟

[JustJames1704]

So long as you can keep a clear conscience, then you can live with yourself, you need that before you can live with these kind of people. Stay reasonable and maintain being the bigger person. When anyone looks at the situation they will see that you are calm and respectable and will appreciate the effort you put in. You don't stay in contact for these people, but instead for everyone around them.

If they truly are so horrific to everyone, then as a couple you can: distance yourself, accept them as they are, try to help them change to become barrable.

What ever you choose, you get the comfort of knowing that it's your choice. There's no easy choice and consequences to each solution, but choices are best made earlier than later.

[MissDawn7961]

maybe you need to end it with your future husband and find another man to date and marry ! Thanks

[Cheetah23]

You need to sit down with your man and have a long honest conversation about this.

[EdouardGaudette]

Kill 'em [THAT'S A JOKE]