What do you consider to be cheating in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I am asking this out of curiosity: what does 'cheating' mean to you? I've heard it differs between men and women, and I am wondering if that's true. If generally speaking it is, then it might explain a lot of underlying miscommunications in arguments between couples.

Where do YOU draw the line between "that's fine", "that's insulting (but not technically cheating)", and "that's cheating"?

Note: in the following questions, please consider who "the other person" is to you. That might explain where/why you draw the line. Is "the other person" a random girl/guy you meet who you think is hot? Is this an ex? A best friend? Someone you had a crush on before? Someone who seems interested in you (whether or not you're interested back)? Someone who is openly flirty with you?

If you flirt with someone else, either in front of your partner or behind your partner's back, do you think that's cheating, disrespectful, or just fine?

If you make sexual innuendos (flirt provocatively) with someone else, is that cheating?

If you talk on the phone/text/email/IM, etc. everyday with someone else, is that cheating, disrespectful, or just fine?

If you go on vacation with someone else instead of your partner, do you think that's cheating?

If you hang out with someone else, instead of your partner, and feel closer either emotionally or physically, is that cheating?

If you confide in this other person about fights you and your partner have or other things - things you don't tell your partner for whatever reason - is that cheating?

If you grind on someone else on the dance floor, is that cheating to you? Or disrespectful? Or just fine?

If you go to a strip club, is that cheating? How about if you get a lap dance?

If you touch someone else's boobs, crotch, butt, lips, etc., is that cheating?

If you kiss someone else, do you think that's cheating?

If you have oral sex with someone, do you think that's cheating?

If you sleep with someone else once, is that cheating?

If you sleep with someone else repeatedly, is that cheating?

-----

For any of the above: how about if your partner does it?

Flirting, innuendo, confiding in, hanging out with, kissing, dirty touching, or sleeping with someone else

Flirting, innuendo, kissing, dirty touching, or sleeping with someone else

Confiding in, kissing, dirty touching, or sleeping with someone else

Kissing, dirty touching, or sleeping with someone else

Just sleeping with someone else

Updates

+1 y

This is interesting. Even though a large chunk of folks seem to draw the line at physical contact with another person, it seems that a majority of people think cheating begins before that point. I, for one, would have to agree; still, it's interesting.

Updates

+1 y

Hmm ...so, we have our first vote that cheating only constitutes sleeping with someone else. Not dirty-touching, kissing, flirting, any of the rest. Only sex. I am very curious to know his thoughts on this. Are the others inappropriate, or acceptable?

[nogamesmike]

I have had physically cheated and also been cheated on by and with partners that were supposed to be exclusive. I have also have had emotional cheating and have experienced my partner having emotional cheating. This was so much worse. My ex wife fell in love with someone she hadn't slept with. Confessed to me and then we separated. We were never the same and divorced. I dated someone i loved and slept with a one night stand while traveling and i felt amazing guilt for hurting someone i loved so much. I value emotional bonds much more than physical and have come to terms that saying that woman or her saying that guy is hot is so much better than her wanting to spend time sharing her feelings with someone else...

funniest quote i ever heard from someone i just started dating.
"oral is like handshakes, really no big deal"
my immediate reply without missing a beat, "thanks for that info, i won't be kissing you or shaking your hand"

worst thing i ever hear from my ex wife " i think we shoudl take a break, there is someone else and I'm confused" she was adamant nothing had happened and as it turns out he didn't want to be with her once she left me, but she no longer felt the same about me and we never were the same again. Got back together for 6 months and ended in ugly divorce.

physical or emotional both not good. Emotional usually worse in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Wow that is a big list.

I would consider it cheating if my girlfriend was making sexual innuendos with somebody of the opposite sex if she was getting turned on by it. If she was just really joking it wouldn't matter much to me.

Any physical contact besides hugging I would also consider cheating. Hand holding or touching the opposite sex in any other way would make me feel like she is flirting with another person and enjoying their company way too much.

[Asker]

Haha, sorry for the long list - was trying to list some common complaints I've heard.

I can hear where you're coming from. Do you feel like the same applies to you when it comes to the opposite sex? Just curious.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes definitely. I don't talk with other women in a sexual way or have physical contact with them if I'm in a relationship. I also don't go to strip clubs if I'm in a relationship because getting a lap dance is practically like being dry humped by another woman.

[_Varsit11]

Personally I believe it all starts in the mind with the thoughts. Due to my beliefs it is said that when one lusts after someone else that they have already committed adultery with him or her in their heart (or in this case ‘cheated’ for those who aren’t married lol). One may as well do it physically as they’ve already committed the act in their heart & mentally. This allows for them to get tempted more also. It’s all about disciplining the mind and practicing self control as a form of love and respect for your partner.

[LISGUERN]

It's definitely up there with the worst feelings you can experience. My advice to anyone who suspects that their partner is cheating is to be smart about it. Most guys let their emotions take over and make stupid decisions. Remember, you're not the first person this has happened to. I highly recommend checking out LORDHACK242 (at) gmail (dot) COM to help you out when you find yourself in this state. He can get you the peace of mind you deserve!!

[SportyLove]

Uhm I'm a pretty low key person when it comes to that stuff. I'm not the jealous type, so if another girl wants to confide in my boyfriend, go right ahead. If she wants to hold his hand...fine. But only if its a best friend kinda hand holding. Kiss him...I'll bitch her out and let him know I didn't like it at all. Do it again or anythinkg beyond, he's history and she can have him.

[Asker]

I hear this. If he doesn't stop her from kissing him, then it seem he's not being totally faithful, does it?

[SportyLove]

Well no, and I know I'm not perfect and have had moments of weakness. Can't really dump a boy for a mistake I've made myself. So long as he doesn't make the same mistake again.

[Smashingdoozy]

If you flirt with someone else, either in front of your partner or behind your partner's back, do you think that's cheating, disrespectful, or just fine?

Playful flirting with no intention of anything other than a laugh is fine. If it's serious then that's disrespectful and cheating.

If you make sexual innuendos (flirt provocatively) with someone else, is that cheating?

Again playfully for a laugh is fine. But seriously is not.

If you talk on the phone/text/email/IM, etc. everyday with someone else, is that cheating, disrespectful, or just fine?

Absolutely fine.

If you go on vacation with someone else instead of your partner, do you think that's cheating?

Not cheating at all.

If you hang out with someone else, instead of your partner, and feel closer either emotionally or physically, is that cheating?

Hanging out with someone else isn't cheating. Feeling closer to them than your partner isn't cheating but shows an issue with the relationship.

If you confide in this other person about fights you and your partner have or other things - things you don't tell your partner for whatever reason - is that cheating?

No sometimes depending on the legnth of the relationship those things aren't ready to be talked about yet.

If you grind on someone else on the dance floor, is that cheating to you? Or disrespectful? Or just fine?

Disrespectful to the point it may as well be cheating.

If you go to a strip club, is that cheating? How about if you get a lap dance?

Not cheating. Disrespectful if you got a lap dance.

If you touch someone else's boobs, crotch, butt, lips, etc., is that cheating?

Yes.

If you kiss someone else, do you think that's cheating?
If it's a romantic kiss yes.

If you have oral sex with someone, do you think that's cheating?

Absolutely

If you sleep with someone else once, is that cheating?

Absolutely


If you sleep with someone else repeatedly, is that cheating?

Absolutely

[SongBird3]

This is my definition of cheating: if you are doing something that you are only specifically supposed to do with your partner and feel the need to lie or be dishonest about it, THAT is cheating.

Example:

Man A is on Instagram and a girl reaches out to him and flirts with him, Man A ignores and later brings it up to his girlfriend. Man A understands the expectations that a relationship involves, and although he didn't even respond, he is honest with his partner.

Man B is in the same scenario except he does not ignore, he instead flirts back and entertains this internet girl. He does not tell his girlfriend about it, in his head he justifies it as "well its not like im sleeping with her" but in reality he knows deep down that he broke expectations. Even if he never even meets this girl in real life, he is still doing wrong because he is flirting with this online girl, when the only person he should be flirting with is his partner.

Essentially, if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear. Even people in Poly relationships cheat, because its not just the ACT of cheating but it is the dishonestly

[Dragonpurple]

I thought D and clicked E, too early still.

I say this as having an EX who cheated on me, I draw the line at physical be it kissing or other wise.

It may often does start before things get to that point though but not always. Those with self control and loyalty may confided, taught to someone else because they cannot feel like they can talk to their spouse. I have had married women confide in me, I let them vent, I let them talk and I encourage them to talk to their husbands about it.

I myself have also done the same, in my cases I had tried to talk to my wife first and she blew me off.

I can't even imagine going on a vacation with someone else though or my spouse doing that one... that just seems really strange to me. I would think by the time someone is doing that they are being physical.

The strip club thing is a tough one, some women don't seem to care because they don't want to show their stuff, too shy or nervous or self confident. They don't mind if their SO goes to look at others. My ex was one of them, she did not want me to look at her too self confident and despite years of trying got no where.

The stupid thing was she had no problem showing it off to the guy she was cheating with, just me.

My personal opinion is, physical is cheating, any kind of touching. There is no loop holes, things that would be considered cheating that are not physical though could be like cyber sex or so.

[palebluedot]

I think that cheating could start anywhere as early as flirting in these steps.

Cheating is all about intent.

I could flirt with a girl in my bio lab because I think she's cute but I think that it becomes cheating when I flirt with her in order to get her to do something with me.

I could get really drunk and kiss a girl. That doesn't mean I want her over my girlfriend.

Dirty touching could be as casual as it is cheating. I saw a girl in an inmate outfit last night at a party with 'GUILTY" across her butt. I was drunk so I slapped it. She spun around and said did you slap my ass? I said guilty as charged. I thought it was hilarious I didn't want to have sex with the girl or really even talk to her. I just wanted to get a pun out.

Now crossing boundaries with sex would be a distinct cheating scenario. Thais is the point where things become black and white.

[Asker]

Hmm ...you make a point about intent and about what seems to be harmless or not. How do you reach a compromise with your girlfriend if some of these things, intentioned or not, make her uncomfortable? How do each of you meet halfway?

[palebluedot]

If it makes her uncomfortable either you make sure she can trust you. My girlfriend knows my schedule and I try to spend as much time as possible with her but whenever something comes up or I go out to do something I call her and tell her. We trust each other, Its so much easier that way...

But whatever it is you're doing that is bothering her I would be best to quit now and just make things easy on yourself.

[Jdjfjcjj]

Frankly saying its whether you'd do it in front of your SO or whether it's intent, is in my opinion irrelevant. In my opinion, if you put yourself in position that can shake the foundation of relationship, regardless what transpired, level of intoxication, or other aspects that are used as means to illicit sympathy from the the other SO, you already screwed up and have at the least poor situational awareness, poor decision making skills, or lack the relationship intelligence all of which make it still an issue

[ret04]

To answer each individual one from you question. Doesn't matter who the person is, if they are not my significant other.

1 - Yes. It's basically a form flirting which is attention and praise seeking from another person who you find attractive.
2 - Obvious emotional attachment, it's emotional cheating.
3 - Yes, that counts as an intimate experience sharing with another person.
4 - Again, emotional attachment, or loyalty to another person is cheating.
5 - That's taking someone's side against your SO. It's betrayal.
6 - Sexual contact is always cheating.
7 - Strippers count as sexual contact with another person, cheating.
8 - Any deliberate sexual touching is cheating.
9 - Kissing is hardcore, middle finger to your SO cheating.
10 - Giving oral adds high levels of humiliation on top of betrayal.
11 - Sex is the ultimate betrayal.
12 - Repeated is just beyond the pale for record heartlessness.

I consider all of that to go for both of us.

[jess54]

physically, kissing or anything more intimate. i don’t mind flirting, that’s always harmless. i trust my partner. on social media, obviously nudes, sexts, any sort of ‘love’ messages. if they had tinder, or any dating app, i would consider that cheating because you’re actively seeking another relationship or connection with someone. emotionally, if they always turned to a female friend, instead of you for advice. or you felt like they have a deeper connection with their female friend then they do with you. i would consider that emotional cheating, as it’s part of a relationship that you are seeking in someone other than your partner.

[Alexa41991]

I think just the idea that you're thinking of someone else more than your partner, to me that's cheating. That you prefer to talk to them more than your partner, you feel safe with them more, you text someone that you know that you have an attraction or interested in and your texting because you want something to happen, flirt verbally or texted, any kind of touching besides hugging or a handshake or because you're comforting someone, anything that has to do with sex either doing it or just saying (verbally or texting) what you want to do to the person, etc...

[luna33]

Doing something with another person that isn't your partner like flirting,hanging out etc...in my opinion is cheating...or just ask your partner what he/she thinks about the behavior you have with this other person. I think actions speak louder than words! my point of view..cheating is all of the above.

[Lamnad]

To me it's not cheating to confided to a person of the opposite sex. the only problem that would come from it is "what did I do that you can't trust me with it?"

[Asker]

I agree. I think that's where the line gets sticky. Because it could - depending on how far it goes - create an emotional intimacy that your partner feels left out of. If you trust that other person more than you trust your own partner with certain things...

[emzy-89]

Flirting, innuendo, kissing, dirty touching, or sleeping with someone else is cheating. it's not wrong to talk/confide in someone or hanging out with someone, that's what friends are for.

[Asker]

I can agree with this too. That IS what friends are for; sometimes you just need a second opinion. But does it make a difference to you if you never introduce your partner to the person you confide in? If your partner never meets this other person?

[emzy-89]

I don't think you need to introduce your partner to EERYONE that comes into your life, if they become an integral part of your life then yeah you probably should but if you just speak to them occasionally then I don't see the need.

[Anonymous]

i have issues with confidence and security. I'm also very paranoid. so pretty much everything on that list would at the least highly offend me and I'd say 98% of it is cheating to me.

my girl knows this and does some of these anyway. its really annoying cause I simply don't leave. call it weakness, stupidity, love, whatever. so basically I just convince myself that whatever she did that upset me is somehow my fault.

[Asker]

Why do you blame yourself? Has she heard how you felt? It seems to me this is the sort of thing that's important to work together on, as a couple. It means protecting the integrity of your relationship - no matter what your stance on it! If she does it anyway, it doesn't sound like she's respecting your feelings. What do you think?

[Opinion Owner]

Its easier to convince myself its my fault than to grow a back bone and do something. as for the integrity of the relationship, it was doomed from the get go cause I'm in it.

[KarinMcDonald]

WOW! That's a lot of questions to answer. I'll be short with my answer. To me, being untruthful is the biggest cheat of all! If two consenting adults have a certain understanding that works for both of them, I'd say many of the things you've listed above are fine. My husband an I enjoy a variety of, , things, , once or twice during the month. Sometimes when we go out to a club (together) I'll dance with the guys who ask me to dance. My husband enjoys the show I put on.

[mark468]

Cheating is a violation of trust. It's not as simple as a list of acts. Lots of people think cheating is a sex thing but that's just an issue of pride. I give my wife the freedom to do what she wants and she tells me when she has an urge for something new. It's just sex but we have a strong relationship, shared perspectives, non-judgemental opinions, and long term life plan that is far above a meat stick and some body fluid.
Cheating can be part of just about anything if it involves deception. A good relationship with open communication and open minds helps avoid problems over basic carnal needs becoming a deal breaker.

[fruitninja92]

Ik think it’s cheating when it’s physical. just got out of a 7 months pretty serious relationship and my (now) exbf had issues cause I got drunk on Mother’s Day and posted flirty photos with another boy who was my friend. We was more mad when he found out that I deleted the texts before I showed him he had nothing to worry about. He said I cheated even if I didn’t have sex, the damage was already done but I was pissed because as far as he knew I didn’t cheat.
In all honesty I did cheat on him but I never told him so all he went off of was that I lied and deleted texts but that shouldn’t count…

[mat_username]

It really depends on what you agree with your partner. Whatever the defined rules are, not respecting them is cheating. I've been in an open relationship, so having sex with someone else is not cheating for me. But just talking to someone and hiding it can be cheating

[Anya__]

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[Friendship_7]

Cheating means different things to different people. It really counts on what each person feels they can accept from their partner and what they will not accept - That is when it becomes cheating. - You do something that you know that your partner will not accept.

[Nam123]

I chose "Flirting, innuendo, kissing, dirty touching, or sleeping with someone else" because seemed like the best option. Its anything a normal person that actually loves their SO wouldn't be happy with them doing. hanging out with and confiding in is not cheating. unless you dont allow them to have friends otherwise, people are all cheating with their friends lol.

[crazy_one01]

I'd say kissing, groping.. even hand holding (because that's something that should be shared as an intimate gesture with your SO) Flirting is kind of a grey area for me. As long as you aren't purposely leading the person on. If it's in fun.. and harmless.. then no I don't see a problem. If you are deleting text messages.. then I'd say you're on your way to the dark side.

[xoamjk92x]

I think that he can be friends with whoever he wants, as long as he's still mine. He's allowed to have other friends, as am I. Yes, the kissing, dirty touching, or sleeping with someone else are the obvious signs of cheating, but if he feels closer physically or emotionally with somebody else, it would be time to rethink things..