Girlfriend doesn't want a title?

[sictransit]

My girlfriend and I just got back together after being broken up for 14 months. She's a musician who just released her first album in February, which is now available on iTunes and other music retailers. I am incredibly proud of her, I'm her biggest fan and I support her in her music. I want her to follow her dream and take this as far as she wants to. We've been back together for a little over a month, and last week I changed my FB relationship status to in a relationship, she did not. She's not listed as single, she just doesn't have a status. I am okay with this, because I think it's a choice for someone to change their relationship status, not an obligation. Some people don't prefer to do it, others prefer to wait until longer into the relationship, whatever. It's her *reasoning* for not changing it that bothered me. She said that from a business (music) perspective, that more people, meaning guys, will come out to her shows if they think they have a chance of going and getting into her pants. Those were her words. She is a beautiful girl, and I actually agree with her. I told her I understand and that I agree, but truthfully I'm a bit insulted. My girlfriend doesn't want to list me as her boyfriend so that other guys will think they can get into her pants?

I'm not asking for anyone to try and figure out any hidden meaning, or analyze what she said or anything. I'm just asking, if your girlfriend said this to you, how would it make you feel? How would you react to it?

[CuddlyCarla]

Honestly, it sounds like you two come from different worlds and have different expectations. I worked in the entertainment industry for a number of years and understand how that business operates, I suggest you read up on it or learn about it, because if you are going to be with her, you are also going to have to deal with that side of things. Unfortunately, women are held to different standards in the business than men, and their talent is valued less than their sex appeal which is used to sell and promote them, it's a fact. The playing field is not level or even, so you can't think like a jealous boyfriend here. If you really want to support her and her talent, you have to understand the business she works in. You also have to understand that there is a difference between image and reality. The image that is sold to the public and fans is not the private reality of that person's life. Thus, if she has to do what she has to do to get a leg up in the industry, this is a career requirement and has nothing to do with you. She has an image she needs to construct to get to where she needs to get, while she has a separate private life that she has chosen to spend with you. As such, you really need to take your personal feelings out of this and look at it realistically. If you can't handle the business your girlfriend is part of, the world she has to tailor herself to in order to succeed, and the fan base and attention that is going to come along with it, you need to find another girlfriend. It sounds like you are taking this all way too personally and are letting jealousy come into play even before she's made it, so I can only imagine what would come afterward with career pressures and expectations. By dating her, you are also essentially part of this lifestyle and world, which is a BUSINESS and as such, runs itself a certain way. If your girlfriend has chosen you and is monogamous, you should be happy and part of being supportive is accepting the roles she has to play in the business. If you are going to get jealous of every guy fan and having a girl that has sex appeal, you are best left leaving now because this isn't her fault and you are creating an issue where one doesn't exist. This boils down to personal preference, you can either handle a woman in that business or you can't. Either chance your perspective and feelings about it or move on and spare her the drama, you know what she is part of.

Also, getting flustered that your partner is or isn't romantically linked to you on Facebook is incredibly insecure and juvenile. If you know you are in a monogamous relationship with her, the rest of the world doesn't have to, do they? If they do, that sounds more like showing off than it does being supportive and accepting the realities of that match. Having worked in the industry, this is in fact the reality, this is an industry revolving around image and female success in an industry that doesn't play fair when it comes to gender role expectation.

[ap1100]

I don't disagree his only healthy option may be to put up with her or leave, but I find it a bit troubling that a woman would do something like this. I feel women NOT doing something like that is part of the strong evidence that women are overall better people. Trying to play this as an insecurity/gender inequality issue is a bit silly; sounds like that's your first argument anytime a guy has any issue with a girl ("the man" holding her back). As to "showing" off, what do you call weddings?

[Darkfairie17]

I understand where you are coming from. I would be insulted a bit too because not listing your status 'so that people can think they can get into your pants' is a bit manipulative to them, and also invites unwanted attention to your girlfriend. What guy would want to have his girlfriend hit on all the time? But she should at least respect your relationship in a way.

Yes as an artist she does have to sell herself, now a days the big thing is branding. You are no longer just a person, or a songwriter or a singer, you are a brand. Oprah, a brand, Katy Perry, a brand, etc... Everyone has to sell their 'image', but maybe she needs to think critically of what kind of image she wants to sell. I'm sure she will gain a few male fans over having them think she is available. But that shouldn't have too much to do with her image. It's not the sole defining thing. That should be her music.

[reeltaulks]

Why would you care about others feelings instead of dealing with what you presently have on your hands. That's the lamest excuse ever, if her music is good it is good! Period! Whether she is single or not does not attract men or women to her shows. There is always going to be people who feel regardless of ones relationship status they are going to try and get in whose evers pants they want to. Seems like you either buying her excuse or she has you wrapped tight and blind. The fact that you have played a part in producing her craft and she is indeed YOUR girlfriend she should honor you. Hand DOwN!

Vonda G. Nelson

[ap1100]

"There is always going to be people who feel regardless of ones relationship status they are going to try and get in whose evers pants they want to."

That was my first thought. Like some douchy guy who only thinks about women as sex objects is going to care that she's in a relationship? These PUA d-bags get excited, for instance, at the idea of banging someone's girlfriend.

[KarKingJack]

Yeah, that's marketing. Business is cold as f***, and you have to do little things like that. I wouldn't worry about it, you already know its no reflection on either of you. Just feel jokes for being in on the scam, hahaha.

My ex-girlfriend, and the only girl I'd ever consider going out with again (holy sh*t when its gonna be 14 months in not long and I have an album out, what the f***? Are we parallels?), would never do something like that because she was always so... Almost illogically proud of our relationship. Like, so into it, and she'd never hide it from anyone. Which led to a lot of misfortune, actually...

But I know I'd pull something like that, hahaha, and she'd be totally fine with it. We were talking about stuff like that, business stuff. She told me she'd never suck off a director for a part in a big film, because she would feel it was being unfaithful to me (ofcourse). I said I'd be totally fine with it and I'd want her to if she wanted to, to get into acting that way, but she said she'd never go that low, and I really respected her for that. I asked her if she'd mind me sucking off a producer or something, and she thought about it for a second and said she'd be totally fine with it - at which I grinned and kissed her. =]

[sictransit]

Haha I love the last part of your story. Yeah, we've since talked about this and I'm cool with it now. I never really cared about the FB status, it was the reasoning behind it I was concerned about. But I was also a bit secure going into the relationship since she had hurt me before, but I'm cool with it now. Weird coincidences though! Good luck with your ex man, I can tell you still care about her.

[KarKingJack]

Lol me too, and ohh, right, yeah. I can imagine this kinda' thing would be kinda shaking, then. Still, its cool you can appreciate that its like, all in the line of duty, haha.

Thanks very much! You have no idea =]

[honeyltsme]

I am friends on FB with several of the models I shoot, and none of them, except one that goes out with a major sports star, have their relationship status set to anything. When though none of them exactly cry themselves to sleep from loneliness. So this is very typical in the fashion and entertainment industry. Even marriage is rarely captured.

When dating a regular girl, a regular guy can expect reciprocity, and same goes when both are celebrities. However if you are not, or otherwise an up-and-coming household name for other achievements that touch as many people as her music, you should count your blessings that she lets you put her down as your girlfriend on YOUR profile. And don't be surprised to stop by her place one day and see David Duchovny there

[sictransit]

Haha the irony of that is we both watch Californication together.

[honeyltsme]

That's cool. But consider this: when Natalie Portman was cast in a lead role for star wars, she had to see the films to get the context, because she had not, to date. I don't own a TV. The bottom line is, it should be better if you make TV rather than just consume it. This is off topic; the only reason I mention it is a girlfriend like that gives you both the need and the opportunity to stand out. Start a video blog about something useful. Like dating an up and coming music star.

[acka72]

If a boyfriend said that to me I would be highly insulted. I would have reasoned with her that considering the fact that humans love what is already taken, that her desireability would soar if she has a boyfriend. There are three things that can be happening A) She feels insecure about the relationship and wants you to get jealous or B) She is interested in someone else on her friends list. C) She might not feel so sure about the relationship and doesn't want to inform everybody she is in a relationship only to break up again and make a goof of herself.

[Motorcycle_Girl]

When women are in the public eye as musicians, models, whatever, they become really aware of how fans view them. I think playing as though you are single is a way to gain a lot of fanboys. A naive young guy might think showing up to all her shows, buying all her tshirts and CDs will give them a chance at getting into her pants. So she does have a point, but it is also a rather selfish point. Her career comes before your feelings, and if that hurts you then you should let her know. If she really doesn't care then I'm afraid she is showing that she is willing to sacrifice her relationship with you to further her career by a handful of fanboys. You aren't asking her to stop making music, so you would not be in the wrong IMO. Seems doomed from the start, I can't STOP talking and showing off my boyfriend if I really am into him.

[ap1100]

I like your point. I don't think the OP is overreacting in terms of his attitude (seems pretty collected), but you summarized the issue: she values her career over his feelings. I'm not saying she should end her career for him (in fact, I'd say the opposite), but her private FB page isn't for her fans but for her friends; that's what a fan page is for. Of course, it's not like we all don't know who Katy Perry is with, or who many other female artists are with, either.

[eldamien]

The Beatles did the same thing. It's a smart business move. They hid the fact that they were married for YEARS so the screaming girls would keep showing up to their shows.

Don't be insulted, it's FACEBOOK. Look at reality, for God's sake. Who is she spending time with in real life? Who is she coming home to? Forget about Facebook and focus on reality. First you said "you're OK with this", then a few sentences later you say "I'm a bit insulted". Plus you lied to her. You said you totally agreed with her decision when you don't. So just drop it.

[nevergivinguponu]

I don't take Facebook serious anymore.I woldn't react to it because I would want the person to truly understand that I get it and want to be supportive of them.It would be a different story if my significant other was pretending to be single. I would have amajor issue with that and I would let it be known. You have the right to be hurt but it is based on your own insecurities. Apparently she is very confident in her relationship with you and has no confusion about her feelings for you.

[AustinMan]

I can certainly see your point. However, I think the central question is: do you think she would let anyone else in her pants? If you trust her fidelity and the answer is no, then I think you let her run her career the way she deems best. She's gotten this far. I suggest you treat your relationship as separate from her career and enjoy the ride with her. If, on the other hand, you don't fully trust her, you should probably start looking for another girl friend.

Good luck.

[brookeyyy]

honestly, I see her reasoning and everything. the only thing is if I were in your situation and it was between me and my boyfriend I'd probably react a little angrily because sometimes guys tend to think with the wrong head... and a lot of times girls at the concerts I've been to don't really care about relationship statuses... they'll throw themselves at the band. not all girls but there are some out there.

[DishLady]

It's just FB. There is no proximity to her pants. If you pressure her about it she will most likely resent the intrusion. If her site is there primarily for business purposes, she has the option of NOT listing her relationship status, which is a little more of a compromise.

If she is hell-bent on specifically listing herself as single and that she does not claim to have any commitment issues, then she is sending you a very mixed signal and you may want to consider clearing the air again.

[opus_damian]

Well that's what fan pages are for. Private profiles are for close friends and family. It is a bit absurd that she uses a profile page for her fans. In her profile she sets up her relationship status and put it private so no outsiders can see it. Teach her to use Facebook right and don't hold back in what you feel. Then she will also dress a little too light or something and it will go well beyond what it is now. So show up your hand as we say in poker.

[KaKaya]

I see where she's coming from, and it's really true. More people will come if they think she's available. I don't think you should be insulted. If it's true, it's true. No reason to have your pride hurt for something as simple as an innocent white lie. It's not like she's going to have sex with every one of her fans, just that she'll let her fans dream a little longer.

[ap1100]

I'm not saying I disagree, but I think women should be more empathetic because they are the ones who prefer more to put family and relationships above things like this. I'd understand more if some scheming, money-at-all-costs guy did something like this, but I'd think girls, who want to be seen as more into relationships above money, would find it a bit insulting that she wants to scheme like this.

[toulouse]

they are the ones who prefer more to put family and relationships a

no they don't. you made that up. & if they did ii guess guy are falling behind.

[JohnnyBlaze]

I'm not a big fan of FB statuses anyway, so it wouldn't bother me in the least. FB is just words on a screen; what she says and does in real life is what counts. As long as she says she's your girlfriend and she acts like your girlfriend, you're good to go!

[Radford]

I personally would feel a little thrown off.Because she doesn't want to change her status? why not> I'm your boyfriend you know.You should be proud to be with me.It seems like she's puttig the carrer a little to high in this area of being labeld as your bf.AND if people see you with her there going to know your her BF

dose that make sense

[ItalianBro]

I wouldn't care... she was honest enough to tell you the reason why, I would be happy that we have a relationship were even something like that isn't kept hidden.

[sictransit]

Also a good point. I am very happy that we can be that honest with each other.

[ap1100]

You hope she was honest. I can definitely see both sides, but without you knowing her, how do you know her reason is honest? Plenty of women (and people in general) sugarcoat things (ie: lie) all the time. The last girl I dated broke up with me "because I'm not the person you want me to be". Do you think I really believe her?

[suavaye]

grow a pair...

she's living her dream, and her image won't have you in the background of her c.d and magazine covers. nobody would scream for trey songz if he brought his girlfriend onstage. she's coming home to you and that's all that matters.

[gypsy16]

must edmit...maybe she wants to keep her private life PRIVATE therefore doesn't want the public to see she is in a relationship...nothing wrong with that

fame changes thing...dont take it personally!

[ap1100]

I didn't get the impression she is super-famous and the next Lady Gaga. I know plenty of musicians and most people don't care who they are and know any of their names.

[slipslender]

i'd be insulted too. and what is she selling? her music or herself? not cool...

[sictransit]

I never even thought of it that way. That's a good point.

[number10]

Amen.

[JohnnyBlaze]

She's a musician; she's selling both herself AND her music. Look at any successful musician - their image is very important, almost as much so as the music itself. Think Alice Cooper with his make-up, AC/DC's Angus Young with his schoolboy outfit, or the late Johnny Cash with his black shirt. They all have distinctive images that make them memorable, and in the music business, that's what's needed.

[slipslender]

there are plenty of musicians out there who solely sell their music.

[KarKingJack]

Its easy to say that when your not trying to be a musician, you know. =/

[slipslender]

not saying it's easy, but it has been done before... :p

[KarKingJack]

Yeah but its different now, like, the field has changed so much.

[chrisheff]

If SHE isn't PROUD and JOYOUS about having a boyfriend, then she will get rid of him soon. Explore other options.

[eea43382]

I think the fact that she told you the truth is worth lot and it's not like she will actually sleep with those guys

[-StillWater-]

Yep.

What she said is true.

Why should there be a hidden meaning here?

She wants to project a certain image that will help her get ahead.

[Cindylouu]

If my boyfriend said this to me, there better be a whole lot of continuous affection to follow!

[Electric_Dreams]

I'd feel pretty broken and I'd be paranoid about it actually happening.