Is “I’m not ready for anything serious” a cop out?

Question

I was with my ex for 7 years and we had a daughter then 6 months later i got into a relationship with someone else for 3 years and we had a son. We even planned to have our son and we were living together. We broke up in December and it was a nasty breakup we argued on Facebook he tried to take my son away from me...

I met this guy last month and i told him that I’ve been in two long term relationships back to back and i had kids in both relationships and I’m not ready for anything serious but i like him and he said “that’s a cop out

devilman666 · Accepted Answer

it seems like a cop out to me, imagine a guy taking you out to do dinner on a date, this is your third date with him and the previous two were great, then on tbe third date he tells you, "sorry but I'm not ready for anything serious right now, but we can have casual sex for a while until I feel ready for something serious?"

The thing I really care about though is your children, honestly if you're not looking for anything serious then in my opinion you shouldn't be dating. I think once you have kids, it's your responsibility to find a stable partner to help raise the kids. Many studies have shown that children from single parent homes tend to struggle more than kids from two parent homes. Higher suicide rate, higher teen pregnancy rate, more likely to commit crime, more likely to drop out, more likely to be addicted to drugs, etc.
Being a child of a single parent can even increase the chance that you will develop a mental illness. So, do your children get to see their fathers? Because if you are blocking them from seeing their father then you could be creating some long term issues for them. I have a close friend who's mother lied to him and blocked him from seeing his father, she said it was a 1 night stand and she never knew him, at 18 he finally finds out about his father who wanted to meet him all along. It almost destroyed their relationship tbh, and he is a serious momma's boy, he can't stay mad at his mum but I can tell that he still resents her for it, it was an extremely selfish thing of her to do.

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

When you first met someone, it is much easier to make decisions on the basis of logic and rational thinking. And you are right; with your track record, you are probably not ready for a serious relationship. However, three months from now, when you have been banging him on a regular basis, you will be comfortable and not want to give him up, so you will then launch into yet another doomed relationship.

If you believe you are not ready for a relationship, then you should not date at all. Are you serious about not being ready?

nella965 · Accepted Answer

I think that you need to find a man that is a good fit before you chose to have kids. People date for 4 years and engaged for 1 yr prior to the wedding. If you cannot find someone who is willing to commit to you , you shouldn’t be having kids with them. At the end of the day, it’s the kids that suffer the most. I don’t mean to sound like I’m being critical but please be careful on who you decide to have kids with

I think it’s Natural to feel like you aren’t ready for a relationship but the real mistake you’ve made here is having kids with men who aren’t the right match. If you keep going on this cycle , you can have your third child with this next guy the break up after 3 years. it’s a sad story. And the kids will only suffer the consequences of it

sadiefluff · Accepted Answer

WHAT? 😂 I think that’s kind of, no super stupid, for him to say! Like I’m laughing because it’s so ridiculous! You have EVERY RIGHT to say that after what you’ve just been through! 😂 I mean, sure, maybe if you had never had any serious relationships etc and just wanted to keep “playing around”. But seriously. I mean SERIOUSLY. No no no no it is NOT “just a cop out” for you to say that. It makes me think this guy is a: kind of dumb... b: super hyper sensitive and insecure... c: really weird. Anyone, male or female should understand that after your 2 last relationships.

sejla · Answer

No it isn't a cop out if you explained you only want casual. It could be you just need some time out. There is a lot of recovery time from serious relationships especially when children are involved. Therapy might help. It helped me and few times to a relationship break up recovery group.

aWes0MeNeSs · Answer

No, if you have your reasons, you're just not ready yet and if he doesn't like it, he can move on.

Yeshua · Answer

Of course not. I mean, if the ONLY person whose future you had to consider was your own then maybe depending on how you feel, but that isn't the case. Whoever you date has to not only be a good boyfriend, but he ALSO has to be a good role model for your kids. That isn't something that can be taken lightly no matter how anyone might try to split it. Even if your kids didn't care, they're STILL going to need a parental figure they can turn to for guidance, safety, and wisdom when you can't be there for whatever reason. If you're not ready for anything serious it's because you aren't just dating, you're basically doing like long-term interviews for a partner who can work cooperatively as a unit in your family, which is exhausting to have to think about and take into consideration because if it were me, I'd be looking for individuals who not only excel where I personally lack while having similar tastes and interests, but I'd also be looking for someone who could do things for the kids like help with math homework (because math is my mortal enemy and just looking at a mathematical equations sets off my anxiety. An excuse is only a cop out if there is absolutely nothing impeding you. And if you just don't feel anything between you then that's just the way it is and not anything else. And this guy, if he has no idea what it's like to raise kids has to understand the responsibilities he's expected to uphold and needs to be approved by you and them. As someone who grew up with terrible role models, I know if I had been given the chance to choose one, I know it would've been beneficial to my development rather than the traumatically cruel sets of circumstances and outcomes I had to live through and with for far too long.

DizzyDesii · Answer

Yea its a cop out. Many guys/girls say that when youve mentioned a dealbreaker and they dont know how to tell you its a dealbreaker. One of my exes claimed to be okay with being ready to be a father and when the time actually came and we had a pregnancy “scare” (in which i wasn't scared cause im always ready) then he showed his true colors and randomly said “i dont think im ready for a relationship”... how can you cop out after the 2 years we’ve been dating. At least man up and say “im not ready to be a father”. His excuse made no sense. Dumbass hoes 🤦‍♀️

ZackBan · Answer

Here's the thing. There's no such thing as being ready for anything.
When you put it like that it sounds like a cop out. You should simply say, I don't "want" something serious right now.
That's asserting your position and being clear about it. You just explained very clearly why you don't want a relationship right now, two kids and a decade of dating divided over two people anyone would need a long break after that.

But think on what it is you want. You said you like him but you don't want a relationship. Do you want casual sex, friend with benefits, just friends...
You need to make up your mind on that and then let him know and see if he too is willing to take part in that. Of course assuming you left room for talking and didn't end everything.

Browneye57 · Answer

Gee, you get around huh? No guy worth his salt is gonna touch that. You've already proven your worth. Which amounts to zilch.
Just raise kids to the best of your ability - you owe them at least that much. When they're grown and gone then MAYBE you'll be in a place to try your hand in the dating pool again. For now, you own those kids whatever you have left after working and running a household by yourself.

Next time get married first, THEN start the family. You did everything backwards and now look how fucked up it is.

WhistleForTheChoir · Answer

Yes. If it was the right guy, you would say you were ready, or at least wouldn't care. Bonus points for the dude if he flips this script around on you. Now you might give this guy a chance EVENTUALLY. But first he has to "prove" himself or at least stick around until you get desperate enough. And hopefully nothing else better comes along in the meantime.

You're not being honest with him. You just might want him later, so you can't tell him, "I'm only going to pick you if I can't do any better."

Anonymous · Answer

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I think that in most cases it's a yes and it could be due to various reasons like you're not emotionally ready to commit to someone due to recent heartbreak or you're too busy in life with a lot of things going on currently, or the person in question might even be too immature not wanting to be tied down but wanting the freedom to date multiple people. I think it's a good thing to say honestly. Some people aren't ready yet still commit to someone only to be a shitty partner or even cheat. That's far worse in my opinion. And it's unfair of him to say such a thing, especiallyif you explained why you feel that way and if you haven't then do.

mousie26 · Answer

I know exactly where you are coming for I had a 7yr relationship had 2 planned daughter to him and he ripped our family apart.

You need recovery time and honestly if this guy is serious he will go slow court you slowly not rush into it.

If he wants you he can prove it by respecting that. Do not back down I get you like him but it comes down to what is best for you.

MementoMori_ · Answer

Too soon and you are too confused. Don't get into anything serious until you figure out what's going wrong in your relationships. Want to have a kid with the third father then be back looking for #4? Don't worry about what he says. If he cares about you he'll wait it out.

mmat2020 · Answer

I totally get not wanting anything serious just after a long relationship. Took me few months to think about the possibility. And it's actually healthier to be upfront about your feelings, if the guy doesn't understand this he might not be a good fit for you just now, even if you both like each other

Interstate · Answer

No. If you aren't ready then you aren't ready. But having kids with guys you are only dating... not responsible. There are two children now who will be tossed from "Mom's house" to "Dad's house". Not fair to them, not to mention it give you a bad name for your actions.

Ellie-V · Answer

No... it doesn’t even matter what the situation is, if you’re not ready then you’re not ready. It’s very unfitting and bitter for someone else to belittle your emotional and mental state, reducing it as a “cop out”. They’re just salty because they can’t have you in the way they want so they invalidate your feelings.

brilliant135 · Answer

That's not a cop out, especially when it comes to someone who has been burnt twice.
He needs to be patient and take his time, prove himself to you that he's the guy you have been looking for all this time.
If he's serious, he doesn't need a long term commitment from you, all he needs is an understanding or both of you agreeing that this is an exclusive relationship and neither of you is going to date other people.

Hello_callmeally · Answer

To me it does look like it. In my experience: If one person is ready for something serious, and the other isn't, that just isn't going to work out well. It's either because you both have different needs and expectations, or one of you just isn't interested enough..

mattl338 · Answer

Considering you came from 2 relationships back to back and had kids with both of your boyfriends, that's hardly a "cop-out" and is a pretty good reason to avoid relationships.

I must ask though, you're only 25 and you've had a relationship for 7 years and had a kid with that guy and had another kid with another guy who you were dating for 3 years? Jesus. I would say what I think about that but I'll keep it to myself out of respect because your life isn't my business.

KingdomForAKiss · Answer

If you're going on dates with him but not ready for a relationship, that does seem like a cop out. Especially if you use those words. Maybe you don't know him well enough and would like to build trust--- that generally comes with setting boundaries for whatever relationship (exclusively dating one person/only dating one person).

Reaperbot666 · Answer

if you told him up front. then I don't see it as a cop out really. since your at least warning him that you want to take it slow. but also have time for yourself and your kids.

if you said it after you had been dating a while. then sure it would be a cop out. because that is like stringing someone along.

BroodyRuby · Answer

I don’t think it’s a cop out. It’s good to be upfront with what you are looking for. It sounds like you aren’t really ready for a relationship at all right now. You have been in two long term relationships and are still pretty young and even have two children from those relationships. I think it would be best to take some time with yourself and look inward at yourself and figure out what you really want before jumping into anything again

NewZion · Answer

A "cop-out":  He probably meant "deal-breaker" for you having kids. Either that or he wants something serious. Gay. lol.

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