Is “I’m not ready for anything serious” a cop out?

[messinessB]

I was with my ex for 7 years and we had a daughter then 6 months later i got into a relationship with someone else for 3 years and we had a son. We even planned to have our son and we were living together. We broke up in December and it was a nasty breakup we argued on Facebook he tried to take my son away from me...


I met this guy last month and i told him that I’ve been in two long term relationships back to back and i had kids in both relationships and I’m not ready for anything serious but i like him and he said “that’s a cop out

[devilman666]

it seems like a cop out to me, imagine a guy taking you out to do dinner on a date, this is your third date with him and the previous two were great, then on tbe third date he tells you, "sorry but I'm not ready for anything serious right now, but we can have casual sex for a while until I feel ready for something serious?"

The thing I really care about though is your children, honestly if you're not looking for anything serious then in my opinion you shouldn't be dating. I think once you have kids, it's your responsibility to find a stable partner to help raise the kids. Many studies have shown that children from single parent homes tend to struggle more than kids from two parent homes. Higher suicide rate, higher teen pregnancy rate, more likely to commit crime, more likely to drop out, more likely to be addicted to drugs, etc.
Being a child of a single parent can even increase the chance that you will develop a mental illness. So, do your children get to see their fathers? Because if you are blocking them from seeing their father then you could be creating some long term issues for them. I have a close friend who's mother lied to him and blocked him from seeing his father, she said it was a 1 night stand and she never knew him, at 18 he finally finds out about his father who wanted to meet him all along. It almost destroyed their relationship tbh, and he is a serious momma's boy, he can't stay mad at his mum but I can tell that he still resents her for it, it was an extremely selfish thing of her to do.

[OlderAndWiser]

When you first met someone, it is much easier to make decisions on the basis of logic and rational thinking. And you are right; with your track record, you are probably not ready for a serious relationship. However, three months from now, when you have been banging him on a regular basis, you will be comfortable and not want to give him up, so you will then launch into yet another doomed relationship.

If you believe you are not ready for a relationship, then you should not date at all. Are you serious about not being ready?

[MrOracle]

[lumos]

Can't help but agree. I really do wonder why people are dating around if they're not looking for something serious. And if you just want someone to hook up with, I wouldn't call it "dating", just like I wouldn't call swiping on tinder "dating".

[nella965]

I think that you need to find a man that is a good fit before you chose to have kids. People date for 4 years and engaged for 1 yr prior to the wedding. If you cannot find someone who is willing to commit to you , you shouldn’t be having kids with them. At the end of the day, it’s the kids that suffer the most. I don’t mean to sound like I’m being critical but please be careful on who you decide to have kids with

I think it’s Natural to feel like you aren’t ready for a relationship but the real mistake you’ve made here is having kids with men who aren’t the right match. If you keep going on this cycle , you can have your third child with this next guy the break up after 3 years. it’s a sad story. And the kids will only suffer the consequences of it

[sadiefluff]

WHAT? 😂 I think that’s kind of, no super stupid, for him to say! Like I’m laughing because it’s so ridiculous! You have EVERY RIGHT to say that after what you’ve just been through! 😂 I mean, sure, maybe if you had never had any serious relationships etc and just wanted to keep “playing around”. But seriously. I mean SERIOUSLY. No no no no it is NOT “just a cop out” for you to say that. It makes me think this guy is a: kind of dumb... b: super hyper sensitive and insecure... c: really weird. Anyone, male or female should understand that after your 2 last relationships.

[sejla]

No it isn't a cop out if you explained you only want casual. It could be you just need some time out. There is a lot of recovery time from serious relationships especially when children are involved. Therapy might help. It helped me and few times to a relationship break up recovery group.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

No, if you have your reasons, you're just not ready yet and if he doesn't like it, he can move on.

[Yeshua]

Of course not. I mean, if the ONLY person whose future you had to consider was your own then maybe depending on how you feel, but that isn't the case. Whoever you date has to not only be a good boyfriend, but he ALSO has to be a good role model for your kids. That isn't something that can be taken lightly no matter how anyone might try to split it. Even if your kids didn't care, they're STILL going to need a parental figure they can turn to for guidance, safety, and wisdom when you can't be there for whatever reason. If you're not ready for anything serious it's because you aren't just dating, you're basically doing like long-term interviews for a partner who can work cooperatively as a unit in your family, which is exhausting to have to think about and take into consideration because if it were me, I'd be looking for individuals who not only excel where I personally lack while having similar tastes and interests, but I'd also be looking for someone who could do things for the kids like help with math homework (because math is my mortal enemy and just looking at a mathematical equations sets off my anxiety. An excuse is only a cop out if there is absolutely nothing impeding you. And if you just don't feel anything between you then that's just the way it is and not anything else. And this guy, if he has no idea what it's like to raise kids has to understand the responsibilities he's expected to uphold and needs to be approved by you and them. As someone who grew up with terrible role models, I know if I had been given the chance to choose one, I know it would've been beneficial to my development rather than the traumatically cruel sets of circumstances and outcomes I had to live through and with for far too long.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea its a cop out. Many guys/girls say that when youve mentioned a dealbreaker and they dont know how to tell you its a dealbreaker. One of my exes claimed to be okay with being ready to be a father and when the time actually came and we had a pregnancy “scare” (in which i wasn't scared cause im always ready) then he showed his true colors and randomly said “i dont think im ready for a relationship”... how can you cop out after the 2 years we’ve been dating. At least man up and say “im not ready to be a father”. His excuse made no sense. Dumbass hoes 🤦‍♀️

[DizzyDesii]

My bad i just read your situation. I thought you meant he copped out when he found out you had kids. But no its not a cop out for you to not feel ready with him

[ZackBan]

Here's the thing. There's no such thing as being ready for anything.
When you put it like that it sounds like a cop out. You should simply say, I don't "want" something serious right now.
That's asserting your position and being clear about it. You just explained very clearly why you don't want a relationship right now, two kids and a decade of dating divided over two people anyone would need a long break after that.

But think on what it is you want. You said you like him but you don't want a relationship. Do you want casual sex, friend with benefits, just friends...
You need to make up your mind on that and then let him know and see if he too is willing to take part in that. Of course assuming you left room for talking and didn't end everything.

[Browneye57]

Gee, you get around huh? No guy worth his salt is gonna touch that. You've already proven your worth. Which amounts to zilch.
Just raise kids to the best of your ability - you owe them at least that much. When they're grown and gone then MAYBE you'll be in a place to try your hand in the dating pool again. For now, you own those kids whatever you have left after working and running a household by yourself.

Next time get married first, THEN start the family. You did everything backwards and now look how fucked up it is.

[WhistleForTheChoir]

Yes. If it was the right guy, you would say you were ready, or at least wouldn't care. Bonus points for the dude if he flips this script around on you. Now you might give this guy a chance EVENTUALLY. But first he has to "prove" himself or at least stick around until you get desperate enough. And hopefully nothing else better comes along in the meantime.

You're not being honest with him. You just might want him later, so you can't tell him, "I'm only going to pick you if I can't do any better."

[Anonymous]

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I think that in most cases it's a yes and it could be due to various reasons like you're not emotionally ready to commit to someone due to recent heartbreak or you're too busy in life with a lot of things going on currently, or the person in question might even be too immature not wanting to be tied down but wanting the freedom to date multiple people. I think it's a good thing to say honestly. Some people aren't ready yet still commit to someone only to be a shitty partner or even cheat. That's far worse in my opinion. And it's unfair of him to say such a thing, especiallyif you explained why you feel that way and if you haven't then do.

[mousie26]

I know exactly where you are coming for I had a 7yr relationship had 2 planned daughter to him and he ripped our family apart.

You need recovery time and honestly if this guy is serious he will go slow court you slowly not rush into it.

If he wants you he can prove it by respecting that. Do not back down I get you like him but it comes down to what is best for you.

[MementoMori_]

Too soon and you are too confused. Don't get into anything serious until you figure out what's going wrong in your relationships. Want to have a kid with the third father then be back looking for #4? Don't worry about what he says. If he cares about you he'll wait it out.

[mmat2020]

I totally get not wanting anything serious just after a long relationship. Took me few months to think about the possibility. And it's actually healthier to be upfront about your feelings, if the guy doesn't understand this he might not be a good fit for you just now, even if you both like each other

[messinessB]

He said it’s a cop out like he thinks it means i don’t like him but I haven’t been single single in over 10 years

[mmat2020]

Yes I understand totally. I was just out of a 12 years one kid relationship myself.
I told mostly what you said to a girl I liked, she was looking for more commitment than I could give. We stayed friends. I think it's better than a relationship with different expectations on both sides

[Interstate]

No. If you aren't ready then you aren't ready. But having kids with guys you are only dating... not responsible. There are two children now who will be tossed from "Mom's house" to "Dad's house". Not fair to them, not to mention it give you a bad name for your actions.

[Ellie-V]

No... it doesn’t even matter what the situation is, if you’re not ready then you’re not ready. It’s very unfitting and bitter for someone else to belittle your emotional and mental state, reducing it as a “cop out”. They’re just salty because they can’t have you in the way they want so they invalidate your feelings.

[devilman666]

Does this extend to women too? For example, If you were on a date with this great guy, everything was perfect, the he told you, "Sorry, I just came out of a breakup, Im a single father, and I'm not ready for a serious relationship, but we can still have casual sex.", would you be upset?

[Ellie-V]

@devilman666 YES. Not once did I ever say that it only applies to men. That’s why I used an ambiguous word “someone”.
Stop pulling assumptions out of your ass please.
In that scenario you described I’d only be put off by the fact that they want sex from me. I don’t give a shit about them being honest about not being ready. But they are more than welcome to get sex from anyone else who is not me.

[devilman666]

I wasn't making assumptions, I was reversing the scenario on you, the woman asking the question said she likes the guy and wants to see him but doesn't want anything serious. If you don't want casual sex then thats fine, my question was whether or not you would get "salty because you can't have him in the way you want"? And in addition, would you call it a cop out and this "invalidate his feelings".

[devilman666]

And thus "invalidate his feelings"*

[Ellie-V]

@devilman666 And I said I wouldn’t give a shit.
I don’t care. I’d just be respectful of the honesty.
There’s literally nothing to get salty over, people who really think that way are just assholes with a narrow perspective and a selfish attitude.

[Ellie-V]

@devilman666 I also don’t understand why you felt the need to switch the genders because I spoke very generally. Like that implies you suspect I’d feel differently had the roles been reversed.

[devilman666]

Ofc I do, lots of people are hypocrits. You be shocked by how many women will get angry at men for not being ready for anything serious, but simultaneously if the man wants something serious and the woman doesn't then the man is an asshole for wanting something serious. Sorry that some people are hypocrits?

[Ellie-V]

@devilman666 Again, I spoke generally. I understand there are hypocrites but nothing about what I said implied that I was one.

[devilman666]

I never said that anything you said implied you were a hypocrit, I just like to test people for hypocrisy and call it out when I see it, because I find that many people of both genders do act hypocritically.

[Ellie-V]

@devilman666 yeah but if I’m speaking generally there’s no need to reverse the scenario and “test” me. I spoke regarding all people.

[brilliant135]

That's not a cop out, especially when it comes to someone who has been burnt twice.
He needs to be patient and take his time, prove himself to you that he's the guy you have been looking for all this time.
If he's serious, he doesn't need a long term commitment from you, all he needs is an understanding or both of you agreeing that this is an exclusive relationship and neither of you is going to date other people.

[Hello_callmeally]

To me it does look like it. In my experience: If one person is ready for something serious, and the other isn't, that just isn't going to work out well. It's either because you both have different needs and expectations, or one of you just isn't interested enough..

[BroodyRuby]

I don’t think it’s a cop out. It’s good to be upfront with what you are looking for. It sounds like you aren’t really ready for a relationship at all right now. You have been in two long term relationships and are still pretty young and even have two children from those relationships. I think it would be best to take some time with yourself and look inward at yourself and figure out what you really want before jumping into anything again

[mattl338]

Considering you came from 2 relationships back to back and had kids with both of your boyfriends, that's hardly a "cop-out" and is a pretty good reason to avoid relationships.

I must ask though, you're only 25 and you've had a relationship for 7 years and had a kid with that guy and had another kid with another guy who you were dating for 3 years? Jesus. I would say what I think about that but I'll keep it to myself out of respect because your life isn't my business.

[KingdomForAKiss]

If you're going on dates with him but not ready for a relationship, that does seem like a cop out. Especially if you use those words. Maybe you don't know him well enough and would like to build trust--- that generally comes with setting boundaries for whatever relationship (exclusively dating one person/only dating one person).

[messinessB]

He just comes over my house and i come over his

[Reaperbot666]

if you told him up front. then I don't see it as a cop out really. since your at least warning him that you want to take it slow. but also have time for yourself and your kids.

if you said it after you had been dating a while. then sure it would be a cop out. because that is like stringing someone along.

[loveslongnails]

"You argued on Facebook" ? Good Lord.
No, you're not coping out, but you don't seem to have a great "picker" when it comes to men. Go at your own pace. Besides, those are just words from him. Would he actually be ready to take on a woman with kids from different dads, and deal with all that drama? I think he might just be "saying that" because it makes him look good.

[messinessB]

Yeah we argued on Facebook everybody saw it

[loveslongnails]

You should have unfriended him and not done that.

[NewZion]

A "cop-out": https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cop%20out

He probably meant "deal-breaker" for you having kids. Either that or he wants something serious.

Gay. lol.

[winterfox10]

No way. Given your track record, I would be more surprised if you were ready to start dating so soon. If you like him, you could try asking him to give you some extra time. You've only had a few months to work passed this most recent break up, so maybe ask this guy to give you until the Fall, or something?

[MbSaAl]

I would say that you should take time until you both calm down... You should talk to your previous man and work it out and move forwarded. Relationships are all about working things out and accepting each other faithfully and unconditionally. Please do this❤️

[mefirst2020]

That could be tied to your maturity level all I can tell you as an older man divorced after 33 years I would love to have something serious in my life I miss that deeply. And there is no way in hell I would accept it at this point because I'm not ready for anything serious at this moment as badly as I want it no cop out here

[honestGUY45]

Not necessarily, but in this case you're not avoiding something that you ought to do, but dodging something that clearly you shouldn't. There's been too many signs of a disaster waiting to happen with this guy. If you're not ready for anything serious and you made that clear, there shouldn't be any expectations from him of anything serious until you're ready. If that's not acceptable, he hasn't lost much at this point, and it's not too late to end it before he does.

[Shiney19]

Hmm... it's your personal life and Choice but I Would say you have kids, So before taking Any decesion You need to think about their future, kids also need a Good father, I have lost My father when I was kid and I know how much important he was in life for his Support and protection, don't do anything which can make you regret in future, I am not saying this Guy is not a Good person but Think Seriously about this All

[leighbuh1989]

I'm currently in this guy's shoes with a guy I've been talking to. So let me ask, when you say you like him but you're not ready, WHY exactly are you not ready? You like him, so what's holding you back? Just curious!

[devilsfan884]

First of all, let's reframe the statement from what you think he's saying about you into what him saying that might be saying about him. Does this coincide with other kinds of behaviour where you feel he may be trying to pressure you to rush into a situation you're not ready for? If it does, keep that in mind when you decide to pursue anything serious.

[standingUP]

It's not a cop out it's smart and any man that cannot see that is not worth the time. You don't need someone without common sense hanging around serious or not.

[likelyOK]

It can be like guys usually use it when they are too immature for a relationship, but in your case you were being honest and had a good reason, so for you no it's not.

[devilman666]

XD I love how you just assume that the only reason men could have to not be ready for a new relationship is cause they're immature. You're so fucking SEXIST!

"If women do it then they probably have a good reason for it, if men do it then they're immature.", because if a man isn't ready to take care of a woman 24/7 then he's immature.

[likelyOK]

@devilman666 Your ignorant what you put in quotes is Not what I said word for word you can only use quotes when it is a direct quote, look it up.

[devilman666]

I can put whatever I want in quotes, what I quoted was more the essence of what you were really saying. I'm jist trying to point out the double standard that you are setting, you made a point of saying that when men do it, it's immature, but it's fine for her to do it.

[likelyOK]

@devilman666 that's not what I was saying read it again, usually, you need grade school education

[WarningWarning]

He might just be fussy because you put him in the friend zone.
Have you been flirting and acting or responding to romantic gestures? He might think you were playing him. Is this guy worth reevaluating yourself?

[Anonymous]

It's definitely not a cop out. You are not ready for a serious relationship. You've had two children with two different men, and it sounds like you're finally ready to take some responsibility and not make the same mistakes again. Wait until you're ready to date seriously before to get prego again and deny another man his child.

[spartan55]

Just add "with you" to the end and that's all you need to know.

[PinkMichae]

No it's not. It just means you're not strong enough to be hurt again if something goes wrong. It means you're still healing but would like to have some fun flirting and/or dating in the mean time.

[angiebangie]

Sounds like he's just another dick. Anyone who actually cares about you is gonna be super nice from the beginning especially. Find a decent guy, please!

[Madhatter920]

I suppose it can seem that way to someone who has no idea what you're experiencing. The whole idea of a "cop out" to me just seems like basing a judgement on ignorance.

[angeliquedevereux2]

In some circumstances yes it can be a cop out. In my highschool it was always the lowest way to break off/reject a relationship. Adulthood changes the game. Your situation wasn't a cop out

[messinessB]

I haven’t been single in like 10 years and I’ve had kids in both relationships

[Blossombrooke]

It depends on the person and what they want. Think about it if it were reversed and you were dealing with a guy in that situation. You have to find someone who is willing to accept your situation and take it slow

[Elsa143]

If you're not ready for anything serious then let him go.

[BlessedDaddy]

What the hell is going on with guys these days? Turned into a bunch of needy posesive chicks.

Tell him that he can call it whatever he wants, but that's the way it's going to be.

[roflgun]

You’re 25 years old and already have 2 failed relationships with children from 2 different men? I’m sorry but that’s ridiculous. You need to get your shit together in life.

[someginger]

Nah of course not. Its sometimes a cop out but it can be a legitimate reason not to go into something

[hsshannah96]

Yeah it’s a cop out
not ready for something serious means “I enjoy fucking around with girl’s feelings and only care about myself”

[PeacefulRainDrop]

he's being honest dont give sex if you want a relationship with that man

[RHK36]

I'm not sure how it's a cop out. You're being honest with him about your situation. He sounds immature, I doubt he's thought about being a father like figure to two kids.

[R3DthatDude]

He’s just being insensitive, he basically thinks your lying and blowing him off, however he is too busy thinking about his hurt ego, doesn’t even realize you are for real.

[Aakash_Hangargi]

Maybe he wanted something serious so probably backed off and probably you might not have his kid so for him to accept that would be difficult if he sees a future with you

[Shy_Steve]

In a way I think it is a cop out because they are being rude to you, Especially if the have been dating and flirting with you and wasting your time.
Does anyone like wasting there time with someone?

[SarahsSummer]

Don’t be coerced by someone else’s opinion on your life.

[Regmorus]

weird phrasing I don't get him. What he meant you ought whom I don't understand.

[jgirl99]

I don't know if its a cop out. Just see where is goes, u told him ahead of time so he can't be surprised if u change ur mind or w. E down the line

[EriFrancis1994]

It's not for everyone. In your case I don't think it's a cop out

[smb930]

I've only been on one date ever, and she told me she wasn't ready for a commitment when I tried to set up a 2nd date.

Haven't dated since (but I want to!).

[Liam_Hayden]

All that matters is that you believe you are not ready. Since the guy thinks/says it is a "cop out" if you give in then he will know how easily he can manipulate you.

[Rob17792]

Tell him you need time to heal and you're not ready for anything serious and if he can't accept it then move on find somebody else when you're ready to

[Jamie05rhs]

It usually -- 99% of the time -- is. But I totally understand where you're coming from with your particular situation, so I think in your case it's not.

[dudeinohio]

Yeah... in many cases it is a cop out. But, sometimes, its legit.

[Ben_ji]

It can be a cop out. Most people would believe it is one. But if you explain why you're not ready for something serious, so he understands it, I'm sure he will understand. Go into detail about why you're not ready now.

[_SOARER]

You dont take him seriously thats the problem here
^ he just didn't know how to articulate his feelings but thats what he meant ^

[Anonymous]

you are not worth it

Are Single Mothers Worth It?

[Opinion Owner]

some of these male comments are stupid lol