I cheated on my ex boyfriend with a guy who was also in a relationship, how can I redeem myself to stop feeling guilty and hating myself?

[Anonymous]

My ex and I dated for 5 years. After 3 years, I had to move for work so we had no choice but to do the long distance thing (2 years of long distance). We had problems and I decided that we should break up but remain as friends as the ldr thing wasn’t working out. I’ve put lots of effort in maintaining steady communication in the past 2 years but he wouldn’t do the same so I gave up and asked to end things - he refused.

Eventually, I met this other guy who was also in a relationship. We hooked up even after knowing fully well that we were both still in a committed relationship. This went on for a couple of months before my ex and I decided to break up. But, he’s not aware that I cheated on him the last couple of months. My ex and I remained good friends to this day but it kills me knowing that I’ve cheated on him.

I’m still hooking up with the I guy I cheated on my ex with (let’s call him A). We both confessed that we have deep feelings for each other. I felt guilty, so I decided to end it and walked away since I don’t want to be a third party anymore. A’s girlfriend found out about me and A pretty much blamed me for making him cheat. I got pissed but I was willing to take the fall for him and cut him off. A came running back to me and begged me to stay - I put my foot down and said we can stay as friends. A then broke up with his girlfriend a couple months later and we started hooking up again. Now I feel like crap knowing that I ruined my relationship and A’s as well.

I’m trying to end things with A again as I can’t live with the guilt any longer. But he won’t let me go, he even started getting suic*dal when I told him we should stop (he said we have no reason to stop now since we’re both single). That’s true but the guilt of everything is eating me alive, and I’ve hated myself ever since for doing what I did.

What do you suggest I should do in this situation? Should I tell my ex that I cheated? Should I apologize to the girlfriend of the guy I cheated on with?

[JustinTimberlegs]

If I was your ex I wouldn't want to know. It would be different if you were still in a relationship with him and wanted to move forward with him but since it's already over it's not going to fix anything, and will probably hurt his self esteem and ability to trust others in the future.

It's a horrible thing to cheat but you shouldn't be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you both were to blame and not just you. Not trying to justify your actions but I can also understand the loneliness and low self worth you would have felt, and in the end we are all only human. What's important is that you seem truly remorseful and caring about the other persons feelings. The relationship was pretty much over at that point and you were honest to person A about your situation. It's alright to forgive yourself, that doesn't make you selfish. Would you forgive someone else in your situation?

As for the other guy, I think he needs some time to work on himself, at least a year before you can be friends again. His past relationship aside, it's not healthy at all going all suicidal over someone at such early stages and it looks like a red flag. From the very start your relationship is built on the expectation that you have to fix him, but you can't unless he learns to work on himself first, not for you or someone else but for him. Tell him to work on himself and then come back to you, and if he can't do that I don't think the relationship would have worked out anyway.

All the best, and remember to be kind to yourself. Everyone deserves love 😊

[Asker]

Wow thank you, this actually made me teared up. I guess all I can do now is accept that I messed up and move on, thanks for the wonderful advice!!

[JustinTimberlegs]

You're most welcome 😊

[ohshee]

Look in life when we are born we all got a gift that gift is freedom of choice we choose who we want to be by the things we say and do okay so you fucked up it happens and it did happen there's nothing you can do about it at this moment that moment already passed along time ago when you we're right in that moment of the here now to make that choice of yes or no so what you blew it your human being you did it for reasons unknown you needed something in your life in that moment and you decided that was the most important so fucking what it happens so now understanding that choice that you made maybe you'll learn something from that maybe you didn't but I understand you cannot turn back time and why would you want to you don't realize you somewhere down this road who's going to become a point where you will say if this didn't happen then this wouldn't have happened and you would never be where you are right now so put yourself in a good place right now forgive yourself that's all there is to it forgive yourself you don't owe anybody else anything whatever that guy that you cheated with has done to his wife that's on him he had a choice to you don't need to babysit him you need to move on you need to forgive yourself and move on and enjoy life again when opportunity comes up to do the same thing again you're going to have to look back at it because you're going to have to make a choice in that moment so forgive yourself and get on with life if you need to talk to somebody about it I can explain it a little bit better send me a message

[Asker]

Wow thank you so much. I do feel somewhat responsible for the other guy’s actions and I’m having a hard time letting go of the fact that I don’t owe anyone anything. I at least fee like I owe my ex and the other girl a sincere apology but I fear it might just make things worse if I do reach out to apologize. I guess there’s nothing left to do but to move on. Thanks for the advice!

[ohshee]

Your welcome I think that would be your best move,, yeah you don't know about the girlfriend and wife and where those guys are and their life right now but I would just let that part go. I mean even your ex I would even let that go not unless you want to tell him so you can see him so you can talk to him and so on and so on LOL but honestly I would let that partner too. To be honest I would just let it all go start out Fresh brand new so yeah so if you really feel the need to apologize to somebody well just send me a message and apologize to me for whatever reason that way you can hear I accept your apology and maybe a little Chit Chat and then so what are you doing tonight LOL. Sometimes I just don't believe myself LOL but never can tell

[JustAnj]

It's eating you from the inside because you do not want to hold these demons inside. You need to be honest to feel like a good person, people will always tell you to hide but hiding will create a bigger issue of perceptions in yourself.

You have the opportunity to allow others to deal with this now instead finding out later and becoming hurt confused and used.

It's good that you want to be honest and forgive yourself and you know consciencely you want to be fair to others and your future. Being real is key to contentment.

Reach out bare consequences understand your mistakes and move on without your past which includes this "A" man.

[Crissy_J]

You have every reason to break it off with A. If you two started hooking up while both in other relationships, that is a bad start. I’d say you and A are doomed from the start. Let him down gently, but do try to get away from this one. Forgive yourself and move on. You don’t owe A anything. Thats just what I would do. I think keeping your distance from your ex and the other girlfriend is a better idea. You might want to reach out to apologize, but she may not want to hear from you. If you’re already broken up with your ex, let it go. Take this one to the grave, I guess.

[Asker]

Thank you, this is exactly what I needed to hear especially the part where you said that I don’t owe A anything. He’s been guilt tripping me over the fact that I wanted to end things, he said I had no reason to since we’re both single now. But I guess I just have to pull the plug and move on. Thanks ❤️

[coachTanthony]

------------Just own it and move on. Telling anybody about this after the fact will only make you feel better for a short period of time and that in itself is what we call selfish. So unless you have an STD or they are in the need to know for some important reason... suck it up and move on. Do better next time.

~Coach T Anthony @thedatecoach IG

[sunshine69er]

I've bought this very question up a lot. with all types of people and generally over a few beverages. . It's a toughie, but a great debate.
My Ex was great fun when things were good And quite the Evil c#nt when she wanted to be. . Amongst other things, she was a serial Cheater, even shagged her best friends fiance when the friend had passed out. NEEDLESS TO SAY , SHE HAD ISSUES 🤐
She always had to tell me she'd fucked her work colleague or study partner at the previous shindig she'd attended. . And every time IT really hurt 🙁 and tore me up inside. Always ended up hurting people emotionally and physically 😬 everybody involved, well , Except her !!
Guess she felt better getting it off her chest.., and I see now Zero onsideration for those hurt and betrayed. Such a selfish heartless, good funtime Crazy BITCH!!
still think of her often 😜 And even miss her at times. But happy she's gone from my life.
So. my thoughts would be..
Don't tell him.
You have to Eat it!!
If you don't want to be with only him, Break up.
I've a lot of things in my past that I regularly beat myself up over. If anything it's character building and defines you as a person. Learn from your mistakes and grow with self respect.
Wow.. sorry about the rant.. lol
Goodluck

[Asker]

That’s exactly what I was thinking, telling my ex that I cheated would only make me feel better at the expense of his feelings so it’s a no go. I hope you’ve found someone better, no one deserves to be treated like that!

[sunshine69er]

The heart rules the head sometimes. . Trust is the killer to get back. Been doing me for a good long time now. All good and happy most of the time ;)
Also I've heard that an act of something severe and regretful Can relight the low burn you've come to consider the norm. .
To be honest Id imagine even the best of couples struggle to do the every day every day same niggling peeves and quirks of sharing a constant single space of the same same. Lottts of effort. Lol take care 😱

[jamezsexton]

Dont go telling your ex it will just hurt him or worse as for A his relationship wasn't on good terms nor was your. A should grow up the attention he's pushing for due to suicidal tendencies is going to be problem later, ur not happy with a leave him n dont look back as for ur x y'all were unhappy with distance etc you didn't ruin it u tried braking it off he refused. Thats not a real man. Let her go if she comes back meant to be if not hope she's happy. As for A i think your selection are questionable. Not a bash mine were for long time too dating has to be mutual or its like choosing your own kidnapper. Scary how it compares anit it. Best luck let me know how it goes.

[SuhRaw]

Listen, either A is really suicidal or he trying to get your attention. Now, Either way you and A, both made a decision and now you see the end result yet on the other hand if you and your ex are still cool friends and all just let It be and leave good enough alone. As Man, I would rather not know because when you tell me that; you cheated I would loose trust in you because you did that in the first place. Ya Dig! And on top of that he will want to know why you cheated on him and there Goes The Trust. I'm single.

[Anonymous]

Face it you are a whore! His girlfriend should had punch you in the face. Sleeping around with a man that was already committed in a relationship with another girl , Here you come trying to take away some other woman's man. You deserve to feel horrible and feel like these. Face it you are a HOE!

[TallAndNerdy]

can't really redeem yourself, just move on and be a better human being

[Asker]

So I don’t need to tell my ex that I cheated? Or even apologize to the girl whose boyfriend I cheated on with?

[TallAndNerdy]

That's not redemption that's admitting you made a mistake

[Asker]

I guess that’s all I’m looking for before I can properly move on. I know I effed up so I feel like I need to apologize in person and actually deal with the consequences. Right now I feel like since nobody knows, I’m evading any punishments that I should’ve gotten, I don't know it’s complicated. But thanks for taking the time to help me out! ❤️

[Not_Average]

You need to repent. Realize how selfish you were and realize how your actions can ruin someone’s self worth for years to come. Come clean. After that, stop being a slut and exercise some self discipline.

[Dchrls78104]

To start with, end the cheating. It is a hateful practice of which you are guilty.

[Asker]

I did, I broke up with my ex and he broke up with his girl so we’re both single now

[Exterminatore]

“We we’re both still in a committed relationship.”


Wasn’t very committed was it?

[S3ntnl]

Lol nice one

[Exterminatore]

I specialize in dry humor and have an advanced degree in sarcasm.

[Anonymous]

You are as much to blame as A is.
Both of you cheated and end up together.

Yes you should tell you ex. You will feel better after.

[jshm2]

You don't.

Such shameful behaviour will leave a mark on your mentality.

[Anonymous]

live with the guilt and deal with it you deserve it.

[Anonymous]

dont say and fuck his mind and should you stop really?

[alextrugreene10]

Give him the best head with another bomb chic