I cheated on my ex boyfriend with a guy who was also in a relationship, how can I redeem myself to stop feeling guilty and hating myself?

Anonymous
My ex and I dated for 5 years. After 3 years, I had to move for work so we had no choice but to do the long distance thing (2 years of long distance). We had problems and I decided that we should break up but remain as friends as the ldr thing wasn’t working out. I’ve put lots of effort in maintaining steady communication in the past 2 years but he wouldn’t do the same so I gave up and asked to end things - he refused.

Eventually, I met this other guy who was also in a relationship. We hooked up even after knowing fully well that we were both still in a committed relationship. This went on for a couple of months before my ex and I decided to break up. But, he’s not aware that I cheated on him the last couple of months. My ex and I remained good friends to this day but it kills me knowing that I’ve cheated on him.

I’m still hooking up with the I guy I cheated on my ex with (let’s call him A). We both confessed that we have deep feelings for each other. I felt guilty, so I decided to end it and walked away since I don’t want to be a third party anymore. A’s girlfriend found out about me and A pretty much blamed me for making him cheat. I got pissed but I was willing to take the fall for him and cut him off. A came running back to me and begged me to stay - I put my foot down and said we can stay as friends. A then broke up with his girlfriend a couple months later and we started hooking up again. Now I feel like crap knowing that I ruined my relationship and A’s as well.

I’m trying to end things with A again as I can’t live with the guilt any longer. But he won’t let me go, he even started getting suic*dal when I told him we should stop (he said we have no reason to stop now since we’re both single). That’s true but the guilt of everything is eating me alive, and I’ve hated myself ever since for doing what I did.

What do you suggest I should do in this situation? Should I tell my ex that I cheated? Should I apologize to the girlfriend of the guy I cheated on with?
I cheated on my ex boyfriend with a guy who was also in a relationship, how can I redeem myself to stop feeling guilty and hating myself?
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