I did something I've been holding onto for years, do you think it was a dumb decision? Relationship?

[Anonymous]

Basically my 1st boyfriend, we had a LD relationship back in 2011 to 2014. We would only spend wkends together, i was in college and he was working.
Out of no where he chose to end things bec he was planning on going to army and i was in Policing. he convinced himself id cheat with squad members, id be close to other guys, would hardly be with him, he didn't like how many male friends i had.
The breakup was hard, i went into clinical depression, as i did nothing wrong but i felt it was all my fault. I was put on meds had to do treatment. it was really hard but i never shared this with him, as his own insecurities made him want to breakup. I was worried he see me a weak or some girls feelings he could keep playing with. Aft breakup he kept in touch, admitted he cheated on me and the girl he cheated with treated him like sh**, he wanted me to know that he still loves me (he admitted this 2015) and wanted to start over

i tried to be a friend to him but i was only hurting myself. The longer we stayed friends, the harder it was for me to move forward. One day we talked about this and i confirmed i just couldn't be there for him as a best friend, i couldn't make him happy knowing i was hurt, i couldn't comfort him on his bad days, or offer support bec it was tearing me apart

He told me he knew i was the one he was going to marry. :(
i spent a yr working on myself and did not contact him anymore. Later in 2015 aft 7 mon. of no contact, he msgd me asking for a 2nd chance, but i had just begun to date again.

i politely declined, though i still loved him and i still do to this day.
he left me alone after i told him i was dating someone at the time, he asked if i was still a virgin, if i really moved on, etc. asked if we could be pals. I declined bec him reaching out brought pain

forward to 2021, I've been dealing with severe medical probs for years but gotten to the point my bone marrow is problematic and my organs are shutting down
See update for rest of q.

Updates

+1 y

I've been through it all, surgery, meds, treatments. Im at the end of the rope and drs are doing their best but not helping. I decided to reach out to my ex, not to ask him back but bec i don't want to feel guilty or have any regrets.

I reached out, and i told him that despite how things ended, i still appreciated the time he and i shared and i sent him a message wishing him well, as i never gave him that 2nd chance and its something I've learned to live with but i thought id make it right.

Updates

+1 y

I want him to know i don't hate him, and I've wanted to contact him but i never knew how bec got years i was in such a dark place emotionally and mentally.

I finally got a grip on my Depression in 2019 after trying multiple meds and therapy but he never was informed this.
I went through this all by myself and had to pickup the broken pieces myself. I just wanted to give him one last ty as I don't know where ill be in a few months time.

[cryscrys1]

Focus on your self only don’t let a guy break you never ever ever you are a princess you are a queen you are young you can find love anytime you are ready too! Forget loving guys until you HEAL get rid of him. At this point this is not love anymore this is a toxic relationship unnecessary to have pointless dead not worth it for you and your health.
No reason at all to explain him
Why when and what. Don’t explain him anything let him die let him
Leave let him break his arm and
Choke because
.
.
.

HEALTH is a priority number 1
YOU are the priority than other things come along

[Anonymous]

My goodness that's tough. Tough to go through all that alone. In such bad break up relationship will never work again. I see he lost a good woman here his loss usually a man or a woman doesn't know that partner value until it's too late. By now he doesn't really matter your health first focus on your health and solutions to stand again and and live your life you have done more than enough to him. You can't change people some people won't change and their mindset will stay the same I hope you stop wondering why and take step ahead there's good man out there.