Can you fix things your ex says are 'unfixable'?

[Anonymous]

My ex and I broke up because we didn't see eye to eye on something vital to our relationship.
In the breakup I said some really targeted things because she was saying hurtful things.
We are on talking terms, and although feelings are still there, she said she can't forgive what I said. I tried to explain why I said it. That she also said hurtful things too.

At this point we haven't talked for a month but she's still on my social media and is constantly one of the first to watch.

How can I fix things?

[NathanDavis]

one thing is 100% certain here

you are more than capable to willingly hurt her, with the intention of hurting her...

maybe you were hurt by the things she said, but she didn't intend to hurt you

or maybe she said hurtful things with the intention of hurting you... I don't know

but she knows that you're willing to hurt her with the intention of hurting her so yeah, that's not easy to just push aside

the fact that you think you can just "fix this" and then it will be okay, that's not a good sign either because you just want to get this pass and move from it

for now it is best, if you just wait and see if SHE can get over it, and forgive you and maybe "forget" about it too

[Asker]

Yeah, I want to fix things cause I still love her. Some of the things I said I meant because they were true. But the things that really got at her, it was just by crushed mental state after all the things she said.
I tried to explain and apologize, and she knows I went to therapy since we broke up too. I'm trying to be better. She said she think so can be better but she can't be with someone who thought those things if her.
But she's still hanging around which I don't understand.

Yeah, things she did and said weren't intended to hurt me. But she had said and done things before she never acknowledged how much they hurt me and some thing in particular, she never say how it hurt me and it was what started the fight

[Asker]

What do I need to do? I want to show I've grown and not lose her

[NathanDavis]

well... love and trust are not things you can use as a "weapon" and then just hurt someone to expect for them to get over it

also, you do not seem to be sorry about what you did... you seem to feel justified, and just want to move on and get her back, because that is what you want... and this is kind of selfish

you seem to be more selfish than sorry... so why she would want or trust any of that

as long as you're not truly sorry for what you intentionally and willingly did to her, I don't think she will feel reassured for anything to go well in the future

so I think that your best chance is to wait, and maybe she'll get over it eventually

[Asker]

I am truly sorry for what I said. I apologized sincerely for the targeted things I said. Some of what I said was how she never understood how she really hurt me, and I'm fine with that part because it wasn't bad. It was honest.

[NathanDavis]

well, you can't expect the others to be okay with it...

just because you're just fine with the wrong things you've done to them

[Asker]

I'm not okay with everything. Some things I said was how much she hurt me, and threw me away. That stuff is what I'm okay with

[NathanDavis]

one should never be okay with hurting someone else on purpose...

and maybe that's why she can't trust you again

[Asker]

Man, I'm telling you that I'm not okay with hurting her. That's why I feel terrible!
I was in a bad place and I said things I shouldn't. But I also told her she repeatedly hurt me and didn't see how she did.

That was all in the things I said. What she said and did really messed with me and broke me in a bad way

[Asker]

Is there anything I can do? I e apologized for what I said. Started going to therapy and trying to get better.
I tried to explain my mental status and twisted view at that time and explained I was instantly regretful

[NathanDavis]

yes, you can be patient and wait... till she gets better

meanwhile focus on yourself, and better up yourself

[Asker]

Why is it better to wait?

Is there anything I could say at all?

[NathanDavis]

no...

[Asker]

How come?

Cause now I'm also being told by a friend that I need to try in a few months instead of hoping she reaches out.

I don't understand

[NathanDavis]

because it is her choice and her decision to make... not yours

the more you insist the worse you're going to make it

[Asker]

My friends say by telling her I can't just be her friend, I shut the door. Although I have friends who say the door isn't closed.

But I'm wondering why it's not a good thing to say something like how I understand she's scared or wary to try again and I was too scared of being hurt again to just stay friends.

[NathanDavis]

I already told you and explained to you why... scroll up and read

[Asker]

It's been a month, after how long do I lose hope?

[NathanDavis]

nine years

[Asker]

Man, I just really needed help, I'm trying to understand and sort things out... She's important to me

[NathanDavis]

you are being selfish though...

only care for what you want... and not about her

[Asker]

What about her? Is she just wanting time or to let go? I don't understand