22 years is a long time so I would say both , it’s sad to hear that it ended after all
That time giving your heart to someone that choose selfishness over fixing the marriage is a hard pill to swallow, it’s sad that people can easily choose selfishness over what they have right in front of them, the fact that she cheated on you just shows how selfish she is , whether you both had disagreements and butting heads on things you fix it that’s what marriage is all about being by each other’s side no matter what obstacles come
Your way , you don’t commit to be single it should be you and your partner vs the world , it won’t always be perfect but you prioritize each other and accept each others flaws , When people choose the selfish route they will never experience true love because they only love themselves and think someone else is going to save them , they can’t accept the fact that they are wrong , unless you beat her up and controlled her she really had no right to walk away , so the fact that she cheated on you just shows what kind of person she really is and sadly she will regret what she did to you , when she finally realizes how selfish she is. As for You bro focus on yourself don’t blame yourself for her actions , cheating is a selfish choice so realize you did nothing wrong it was her choice to be selfish so be the best version of you , realize you deserve better than that , My ex wife cheated on me as well , I was married to her for 14 years , I gave my heart to her , we had our ups and downs but I always stood by her side and tried fixing it , she is the mother of my children I will always love her for that but , she totally changed on me and turned completely selfish , i would blame myself that maybe I am not a good husband , maybe I am not a good provider , no matter what I did for her it wasn’t good enough until I realized it wasn’t me it was her thinking grass is greener on the other side , the guy she cheated on me with kicked her to the curb as well he just wanted his dick wet , but girl’s don’t realize what they have until it’s gone, Most girl’s do not know how to remove selfishness for their men because they always want something better in their minds and they allow themselves to be brainwashed by toxic friends that are jealous of what she has and tell her she deserves better girl’s fill their heads with shit they see on the internet and lifetime movies comparing the man she promised to be with until death do us part to another guy that she feels has better status she becomes blind to the man she already has , because this other guy is telling her everything she wants to hear not realizing all he wants to do is bang her , so let him have her because he will not stay with her , no guy is going to commit to a girl that cheats on her husband , he will use her like the whore she is , when he kicks her to the curb she will try coming back to you , don’t take her back , make her suffer because you are teaching her to remove selfishness for the next man she falls for but all in all bro it’s not your problem anymore , Realize you deserve someone that won’t leave your side that values you like
You value them someone that will resist temptations for you like you do for them , Hang in there bro
Obviously it’s both, to a remarkable degree. The details would suggest one more than the other.
What’s most important, in my mind, is your willingness and ability to recognize your own contributions to both the successes and the failures from beginning to end.
Too many people are too comfortable accepting credit for their successes and accepting no accountability for their failures. They are usually easy to detect for the trained eyes and mind.
You don't have to put marriage in the rubric of success or failure. Think if you are being successful or not as a person. You may have a 'successful' marriage in terms of longevity if you're married for 40 years with someone who makes you absolutely miserable, which means you are actually failing in your life and if you have the guts to exit that marriage by stepping out of your comfort zone, that's a success in my book! If you had lessons and takeaways from this marriage it's certainly not a failure at all.
I consider it a total success. Look at all the stupid shit you read on this site? Why didn't he text, what does it mean... blah blah...
You got in the game. Good for you. You cowboyed-up and did your best.
When the time is right, get back in the saddle. There are tons of women out there just waiting. I know it sucks, but you need to move on.
Thank you @Revvl6pro , 22 years is 22 years, success or failure there was a lot of Cowboying-up that took place. And you learn a lot in going through the process. Sure, maybe it was not a good marriage, but 22 years means a lot of effort went into it... and speaks to something. So, I appreciate your acknowledgement. Thanks!!!
There's a really old movie you might be able to find. Gumball Rally. It was about an illegal cross country race. Each car had two people in it, so they could take turns driving. Two guys got in their sports car, and the driver tears off the rear view mirror from the window. The passenger asked why he did that. The driver said: "Because what's behind us doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what's ahead of us"
Words to live by. It's like chapters in a book. You had a very long chapter, but now you need to write a new one.
Wow you're wise beyond your years!
@TenderFantasy
I think it's from a song I heard my mother play.
"Life is what you do while you're waiting to die."
The fella who's the author of the question, is a long way from the finish line. What he does now is up to him. But the story isn't over. Maybe he should get a fishing boat. Or maybe he should put his gloves on and get back in the ring. He might be the next Rocky. My hope is that he gets back in the ring. (even though I like fishing)
Opinion
38Opinion
After 22 years I would assume there were many successes and failures during that time. Whether you stay together or not is irrevelant because staying for the sake of staying married does not automatically assume success in the end. Take the wins take the losses and move on right.
Lol, I didn't think there was anything particularly wrong with what you said. Why did so many people dislike?
@TenderFantasy I have a stalker who follows me around the internet and dislikes everything I do. You will see it on all my opinions. The love is really overwhelming. lol
I don't think age denotes success.
I'd consider a POW of 22 years that gets out and lives life to the fullest and values their freedom, a success.
It may not have been success if there's a wake of damage behind you and chaos, but if you can turn that into "stability and goodness", then that is success. E. x. my wife's prior marriage blew up but she did the painful and hard work to keep the family unit healthy. That's a success as the kids reap the rewards, there's peace and prosperity for all. Women generally have that power to make the family or break it and not everyone is so considerate. Hopefully you were fortunate or can contribute to making it so for the sake of the kids.
The success would be for you to decide, in life was lived, what wisdom and value gained. If you learned some important lessons that a college degree couldn't have afforded you, if you grew as a person and from it have "new life" and opportunities, then that's successful... potential!
The only real question is what now and what's next.
This is like asking, "do you think I'm smart?" How do I determine that exactly if I don't know anything about you, or in this case, why and how the relationship ended. There is a vast difference between a relationship you worked really hard at to sustain where you truly loved the other person all the way up until they did something like cheat or fell out of love with you of their own accord, and one in which you did absolutely everything to destroy it and this was a reap what you sew end game situation. I'm reading a lot of hand clap that you made it that long comments, but if you were absolutely miserable for most of it, is that worthy of a hand clap because length of a marriage alone is not enough to say it was happy or successful because plenty of people stay way too long in awful situations and no one is shocked when they finally sign the papers. So basically, I can't determine a good answer for this without actual information and even then, it would be one sided.
Thanks for response, and this why I ask the question to see what other people think. Yes, I will say the first 10 years were pretty good, and last 10 years were more miserable than anything. But that alone does not define success or failure... it's about the lessons learned, and how you apply those lessons going forward to build and maintain better relationships... and it that regard I feel as it I am better and more successful person.
How is 22 years a failure? I was married 20 years 4 month and 6 days. I have 3 amazing sons and a ton of wonderful memories. I knew when I married her it was likely to end in divorce. Her mom was divorced and she learned from her mother at an early age that you don't fight for your marriage, you just leave. I had hopes we would make it, but I wasn't surprised when she bailed. I would never have asked for a divorce... ever..
In my opinion I can't say things were a waste unless it was always toxic. For me personally, in my current relationship I had 9 fantastic years before stuff started causing frequent problems. What you did lose and could be partially at blame for is the years you recognized there was a problem but continued, otherwise I can't say it was a failure.
If your vows were to love each other until "death do you part" then you failed.
I'm halfway joking, but really if marriages ended in not divorce but a duel, I think a lot fewer people would seek one. It might be incredibly healthy for society at large.
Anyone who makes it to marriage is a success in my book, irregardless of how it turns out. And the fact that your marriage lasted longer than 5-10 years is even more amazing
What if it was an arrainged marriage? Or what if the marriage was an abusive one?
@TenderFantasy i see no issue with arranged marriage but as for an abusive one, then of course not. They should leave
Our religion doesn't believe in divorces which is why I'm sceptical about marriage but I don't think u should ever give up on ur other half,, otherwise there's no hope for anyone, in a way I'm actually kinda glad tht we don't believe in tht because I would always be terrified of upsetting him and him leaving me,, there has been times when someone remarried if the partner died but usually not emediantly and often they just stay a loner
I never gave up on it, that is true. 22 years is long time, and it takes a lot of effort no doubt... so 22 years speaks to the effort that went into it. Religion really doesn't dictate happiness... at some point you got to do what you got to do be happy... and if that means marriage or ending a marriage, well religion be damned, because God will still loves me and will forgive me. If he won't or doesn't then he not deserving of my love. Which I don't believe either.
Depends on what your goal was while in the relationship. If your goal was to have children/babies and you did that, then it was successful (at least in my opinion). If your goal was to find a LIFE PARTNER, then no, I'm sorry, but it wasn't. Life partners are with you till death, sickness and in health, broke or rich, like literally. If your goal was to find love, well, maybe you DID find it, but for some reason, someone wanted out, or changed their mind (happens too often obviously). I'd still consider that a succesful one in terms of that, but yeah, like I said, it really depends on how you look at it. If the marriage/relationship resulted in an incurable std/sti, well then...
This life, this time, your time, it's yours. If you thought the risk was worth it, then...
its quite sad how americans think a marriage that lasted only 22 years is a good thing. it comes to show that americans no longer see marriage as "forever lasting" but rather as temporary.
I think people divorce more in America compared to other countries because people in America need each other less for survival. Marriage was about survival, not enjoyment hundreds of years ago. People stayed married because they need each other. I also think people had lower expectations and are less entitled back then.
u Depends on why the relationship ended. If you or your partner were cheating throughout the marriage, or if neither of you were happy but only staying together because of children, then I wouldn’t consider that successful.
Respectfully, who cares what we would consider it. Plus, who says it’s one or the other? You could easily argue either way, and to label it either way would likely be based on comparison with the other marriages, and that kind of comparison is never a good thing.
Move on and continue your life.
Not if you were happy for the most part.
Even if you were, you can always learn something from a bad experience that can help you out in life in general.
Very true!
The vows were "Until Death Do Us Part" and you gave it a shot but in the end it was a failure.
As marriage is till death do us part, your divorce would categorically be labeled as a failure.
That wasn't the question. Marriage has clear and articulated objectives, one of which is til death do us part. It's a vow for life, and ending that early is a failure. This doesn't mean there is no reason to divorce, but whether or not the marriage failed or succeeded is largely contingent on whether it lasted for life after the vow was made.
Obviously a failure. Moreso than if it lasted a month.
Why stay with the wrong person that long and waste 22 years of your life? That time could have been spent with the right person.
People don't change, they just stop pretending.
@TheSpaceGnome, wise words. I agree.
It may have been very successful. That is enough time to have children and raise them to adulthood. After that, it may not matter.
No one's keeping score. It was a part of your life. Probably there was some good and some not so good.
A success that turned into a lesson to reflect upon. Or a fail that could have resolved way sooner.
I say both. It was a successful relationship that ended in failure.
You were very patient with that woman. What made you stay so long in that marriage?
I knew she would keep the kids from me in divorce and use them as a weapon. Which she did anyway, but they were 25 and 17 by then. We owned a lot of assets as well... like over 1 million in property. It took a superhuman level of patience, something I never would think myself capable of, and I worked super hard to make it work, more then I should of, more then she deserved... but I guess I did more for myself and the kids, but I learned so much about myself in that process... that's the measure of success for me. The women, well she was a failure.
That woman is evil. Believe that whole I got pregnant by accident story I don't believe it at all. Your Ex got pregnant on purpose to trap you. She is obsessed with you. She used the whole pregnancy thing to forced you to marry her. That was evil and selfish of her. I can't believe she would take YOUR! properties and your accomplishments that you WORK HARD FOR. That woman is evil just plain evil. It is no wonder guys are so tired and fed up with this whole bunch of bologna stuff. She's the one that should be paying child support for the 17 year old at that time since she cheated NOT You !
@alwayreckles93 I personally believe she sits at the right hand of the devil... but these are things that people don't talk about when they push for gender quality. Marriage is legal contact; it has nothing to do with love. All those vows you swear at the alter under God, have no meaning in the court of law. She never gave up a dollar to pay for anything, but she gets half of everything, that's the law... that's what you give up when you sign that marriage license... 50% of your property rights are gone. And I signed that when I 20 years old and owned nothing. Wasn't even a concern to me at the time. So be careful when you start talking about marriage, when you are the primary wage earner in your famliy.
Your marriage lasted over 20 years. That is a great success. Life is a learning experience. If you learned from being in a marriage and also when you divorced then that is a triple success.
I think it is successful. Sometimes people grow apart and have no desire to work the details out to keep it together (for whatever reason). 20+ years is an achievement.
I'd say it depends on how it ended. If it's a mutual understanding that there's no more love then i see the relationship as a success. If the pair fought to make it work, I'd say it was successful. If the split is bitter and the pair fight for the sake of fighting I'd say no. But 22 years is a long time to be with someone. A lot of change and growth for everyone involved. In general longevity is a success.
You said she cheated on you, I would not say that is a failure on your part. She may have been looking to others a lot longer than you know, just took that long for it to come out in the open.
I'm sorry for things going badly for you, but in the end, if she cheated on you, the only way you would be a failure would be by allowing it to continue.
Well 22 years is a long time and that will always be part of your life, and her life, and I don't know if there are kids from the marriage but if so that may be something to be grateful for. I have never been married so this is easy for me to say but, I would hope when I do get married that it is for the rest of my life. I am not sure how to answer the question I think it's mainly about perception. JMO!
It depends on why the marriage ended but some people say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Not verbatim.
Well that is a very sad thing. Comparably its a long time but why did she divorce after that long time? Now you lost 22 years of memories and have to find a new woman,.
He will always have the memories. You can't lose those with divorce.
Yes but he can't any longer say 'do you remeber honey when we were in the hotel in Kairo?'
@standardguy So true, but I still remember how good that day was back in Kairo... and today I have no desire to want to say anything to her. But for that day and that moment I would not give it up the memory.
Okay. At least my memories exist.
Not a failure.
Marriage doesn't have a box to check for success or failure. It doesn't have a set of criteria that if you meet them its success and if not failure.
who initiated you or her? only curious. but to get to ur answer. now in days its successful
She did, but not really. I spent a year, due to our assets, getting the finances in order so it would be easy to divide. Once I got things where I felt good about it, I told her I am cutting her money in half... because she has a master's degree and not working and our youngest kid at that point was 16. So, they don't need a stay-at-home mom. Once I cut the money in half, I knew she would file, and she did. So, you can say I initiated it, but she filed first.
holly molly lol.
Sorry but the deal is till death us do part. It is a fail.
I think it's a win if it ended on good terms and she didn't make you hate her...
It was successful. Did you ever have any children? It’s a shame that it ended
I find it annoying that some people just get married for the sake of having children.
if the kids turned out great, then success but only just. 22 years is a long time, sorry you went through that.
Yeah, unfortunately my ex was a master manipulator and emotional bully. I did not realize the toll it took on my kids, I was blind to a lot of it... so that was a huge failure on my part. It was not until after divorce that I learn of the true deeps of despair my kids endured at her hands.
I voted failure but hey you got two kids raised to adulthood so well done
m either you were happy with it, or not... that's for you to decide
Yes it’s hard to maintain a relationship for that long, I wish to applaud you. However is it unfixable if y’all just put your pride aside? Because you must really love eachother to be together for so long
Gotta keep them wives off the got dang interwebs. Givin em all dem ideas bout thangs bein good on the other side!
sorta joking 😂 but Fr tiktok is toxic. I don’t know your whole story but let’s assume you’re a good hardworking guy who provided a nice enough life for your wife… all this girl power stuff puts messed up ideas in her head that there’s more. It’s silly and destroys lives unfortunately.
Well. It failed
It depends on the quality of the relationship, not the length.
It's defined a failure if it ends in divorce - no matter the time.
It depends if they had children or not, obviously it is a failure as individuals but if they did have children it is a success for evolution.
It was successful, until it wasn’t.
A failure and a massive waste of time.
I would consider it an opportunity. And it shouldn't matter what ANYONE else thinks.
It's what YOU think, that matters!! 💯❤️😊
I wouldn’t call the marriage itself a success after she burned it to the ground but I do think you got out of it successfully and you’re set up pretty well now to find someone better.
If I bought a house I would have made bank in 22 years.
divorce = failure.
I do not think that is true... all or not perspective does leave much room for happiness. But I appreciate the response.
it was just my opinion, which you asked for in the poll.
Do you pay alimony?
Please explain what happened if you don't mind sharing...
22 years are to explain... they say most mental health issues do not fully mature within an individual until their mid 30s th late 40s.
Well that's what happened to my exwife. But she refused to get help, she blamed shifted, gaslight, and basically extremely toxic behaviors. Wore me down and out, lost the emotional engery to continue, my personal mental state and over all happiness became more important to me.
Sounds rough I am sorry this happened to you. At one time you were very much in love I bet
Did you have kids?
The very fact you consider it a success, is probably why she cheated on and left you.
My longest romantic relationship was ten months, so it sound like a huge success to me.
Impossible to say without knowing anything other than how long it lasted.
It all depends on how you feel about it...
Did you raise any kids successfully? Are they assets to the world or liabilities?
22 years is a long time.
More successful then most.
Thanks!
I don't know. It depends on how much she robbed and stole from you. I'm sure you had some good times that money can't buy lasting 22 years.
Obviously if it ended in divorce it’s a failure
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