I hurt my boyfriend to feel validated. its getting worse and I dont know how to change it?

[Anonymous]

A while ago we had an argument (a big one). He did something that hurt me a lot. I still love him so i couldnt break up with him (i tried, and he also did a lot for me to stay). I told him i dont know if i can forgive him and im scared i might end up holding grudges against him. He kept saying itll be fine. That i just need time. Sometimes we’re completely happy that i forget about it, but it always catches up to me. I get upset out of nowhere and i put it all on him. I know its because of what he did to me. He tries to make me feel better and gets very patient with me. Until he tells me its hurting him. I think i just want to hurt him back, and by being able to hurt him lets me know that he loves me. This has been happening since that day we argued (not always, a lot of times we’re okay).

He said he understands why im this way. He knows what he did and he knows how i feel about it because i told him the truth. I tried to end it with him again because i saw in myself that i really couldnt let it go. He always says he will just give me space and time to think about it, and i always end up going back to him because of it. He can't really let me go. Me, on the other hand, is just confused about how i feel. I can't stay with him if i can't forgive him, but thats where im at. It’ll also hurt me if i left him, which i can take, ill be okay, but he always fights for me to stay and thats what makes it a lot harder.

Updates

1 y

I guess its worse this time because now I've been upset for days and I've said things that hurt him. Which i never did before. I used to just be upset for a day or two and feel okay again. He said he’s okay with me being upset, but im not okay with it. It’s exhausting. I don't know honestly.

Updates

1 y

I guess if i think about it, i might just be unconsciously pushing him away because i can't stick to it when i try to break up with him. So yeah it might be right that im kind of making him want to leave me.

[MaazHussain]

It sounds like you are struggling with a lot of conflicting emotions and are having a difficult time processing them in a healthy way. It's important to acknowledge that hurting someone to feel validated is not a healthy behavior in any relationship. It's understandable that you are having a hard time letting go of what your boyfriend did to you, but it's important to work on forgiveness and finding a way to move forward if you want to stay in the relationship.

It's important to communicate with your boyfriend about how you're feeling and what you're struggling with. Let him know that you don't want to hurt him, but you're struggling to deal with the hurt that he caused you. Consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor to work through your emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms. It's also important to take some time to reflect on your own actions and motivations in the relationship.

Ultimately, it's up to you to decide whether you want to stay in the relationship or not. If you do choose to stay, it will require effort and commitment from both you and your boyfriend to rebuild trust and work through the issues that led to the hurt in the first place. If you do choose to end the relationship, it's important to do so in a respectful and honest way. Remember that you are not responsible for your boyfriend's actions or feelings, but you are responsible for your own behavior and how you treat others.

[DaveJord]

So I have no idea what he did, and I am by no means making excuses for him or trying to say he is right in any way.

At the end of the day, it sounds to me like this all about your own insecurities and not so much about what he did to you. You have need to want to be validated, and he on many levels probably does that for you. But if you cannot get past this event or forgive him, then you are doing more harm to yourself then you are hurting him.

Sure, you are probably hurting him, and you know on some level that is what you are doing subconsciously... but it crosses the line when you become aware of it and then continue to do it. That is when you are causing yourself hurt, and that hurt is not his fault. It is that deep down you know you are wrong for what you are doing, and you are being selfish. So do not displace these feelings of guilt on him... you are prolonging your own pain by not ending the relationship.

What he did was wrong, as in very wrong... but what you are doing is more wrong for you then it is on him. And deep down you know that is true, and that is why you are struggling with this. Because you just need to take responsibility for not doing the right thing and ending the relationship when you know you should of.

[DubiousIntentions]

Don't worry. He's bound to dump you soon so you won't have to do anything if you want to get rid of him. I think you need to spend some time on yourself first and get some past hurts healed.

[LazerBean]

It's not working out. Read the signs and move on.