Why am I always the one getting dumped?

[Sweetsurprize]

😔

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+1 y

I feel I have A LOT of great qualities to be a wife and mother.

[MrOracle]

Keep in mind I don't know you at all, and that you've given very little information to work with. All I can do is make generalizations, and you'll have to figure out if they apply to you or not.

If you are experiencing a repeating pattern of behavior from different men, then almost certainly, YOU are the problem. It means you are picking/pursuing the kinds of men who are likely to exhibit that behavior towards you, and you AREN'T choosing the kinds of men who probably wouldn't.

To use a metaphor, pretend you were fishing for a salt-water ocean fish - except you were actually "fishing" in your neighbor's fresh-water swimming pool. No matter what kind of rod and reel you use, or what kind of hooks, or what bait you're using, you're never going to catch that fish. Why? Because they DO NOT EXIST IN THAT POOL. And if you keep going back to that pool every day, and can't figure out why you are failing, the problem is YOU.

Again, I know nothing about you, what you look like, your history, what you are looking for, etc. But most women in this situation are overestimating their SMV (social market value), and have a long list of mostly shallow and/or unrealistic demands for the man they want, and actually expect to get them (all!). In many cases, they can attract the attention of that kind of man, at least sometimes, but ONLY with the promise of casual sex. And if she doesn't give up the sex right away, he's gone, and if she does give up the casual sex, he'll only stick around until she starts wanting "more", and then he's gone. If that happened 1 out of 5 times, maybe you got legitimately played, but if it's happening 4 or 5 out of 5, it means you are picking those guys - and almost certainly that you are either picking men with the wrong characteristics or just picking men out of your league.

A woman in her 20s has the superpower of YOUTH on her side, and very few men are above her league. Once she's in her 30s and beyond, that superpower is gone, and if she hasn't locked down a partner before that, then the harsh truth is that the higher-value guys (8s, 9s, and 10s) are no longer within her reach, and no degree, career, or income level will change that, because those things are of NO VALUE to a man. Her best options are going to be 6s and 7s - men she completely dismissed in her 20s as beneath her - and even those guys can be choosy.

If we exclude men who aren't interested in having a serious relationship, and focus only on the men who are, what are those men looking for in a relationship partner?

Aside from youth and purity (the MOST valuable things a woman can offer a man), a man who wants a serious relationship is likely to prioritize a woman who is fit, feminine (not FeminIST), FRIENDLY, submissive, cooperative, and makes his home a place of PEACE.

Most women today are NOT feminine, not cooperative, and have little interest in peace - instead they are often loud, entitled, opinionated, demanding, and unappreciative. But there are some more traditional, generally more conservative women who have the things a "relationship man" is looking for, and those women get chosen. The other women are either passed over, or get used for casual sex. Harsh, but true.

This is the way of the world. You can either fight against it and repeat the cycle, or you can accept it and make adjustments so that you can get the best outcome that's available to you. The choice is yours.

[Sweetsurprize]

My ex told me it didn't matter my age. He could have chosen a 50 year old and it wouldn't have mattered to him. So I'm not sure now really. He also said that he wouldn't have minded dating a dwarf or someone disabled. That really impressed me so that is why I fell for him!

Anway, so I'm 39. Unfortunately, I never found any guy that wanted to marry me in my late teens to the 20's. In my early 30's, I thought I did (in a stupid way), but I was wrong. I skipped dating in my mid thirties really. In my late thirties, I met someone, who like I said, is my very recent ex and well...

[MrOracle]

You can't go back to the past anyway - all you can do is the best you can from here. I said what I said because you need to be realistic about where you are in the market and what you can reasonably expect to get.

I'm pretty sure you could find a man who would marry you and take you seriously as a life-long partner, IF you are realistic about accepting a man who is probably either a blue-collar worker or at best a middle-management white-collar worker with limited path towards advancement - meaning you're likely to be living a middle-class lifestyle - and IF you focus on making YOURSELF the things that men care about - fit, feminine, friendly, submissive, cooperative, peaceful. Such a man is probably going to be 8-10 years older than you (these are all generalizations, obviously), and, yes, you'd both have to make some compromises and give up some "nice to have's".

In order to find such a man, you're going to have to stay off dating apps and you're going to have to go outside and into the world around you. DATE LOCAL ONLY - you need a man you can see on a regular basis, not some guy 1000 miles away that you can only see via video chat. Your phone won't hold you at night. You're going to have to take finding a partner as seriously as you'd take finding a job - it will probably be a big effort and take some time, but I'm pretty confident that it's achievable for you.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

@MrOracle - she posted elsewhere about her previous boyfriend. How she described him can be summarized as the following... overweight, verbally abusive, lived with his parents AT 40 (probably uneducated / jobless even), etc. Hardly a catch.

Her issues are more likely she has little to no self respect and assoicates with good for littles looking for cheap / easy sex as to why she's constantly getting dumped.

[MrOracle]

Based on those additional details, I would agree with you.

[Sweetsurprize]

@SakuraBlossoms87 @MrOracle Actually you're wrong about me. I didn't give myself (at least all the way) to my last one and so it's not right, in fact, a bit hurtful, for you guys to assume that I have a knack for picking JUST losers. ... I like to think of a lot of positive qualities of people though, maybe to a fault. I don't know. All I know is that I do give people fair chances, sometimes to a fault with that too. And you can never really tell sometimes, how something is going to turn out. Can be good in the beginning but turn sour later. Life can't always be THAT predictable. Also, if you truly love someone though, and think they are worth it, you WILL work with them through trials and tribulations. THAT is what a good, matured relationship that lasts is all about. So please, if you can help it, try not to generalize so much with things.

[Fireguy17]

You tend to hang in there too long and you are hoping that things get better.
It happens.
You also might not want to hurt the other person, so then you end up being the dumpee.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

You posted elsewhere about your previous boyfriend. A loser - overweight, verbally abusive, lived with his parents AT 40 (probably uneducated / jobless even), etc. Hardly a catch.

Maybe if you got some self respect instead of involving yourself with trailer trash you would've gotten married years ago.

[Sweetsurprize]

Actually he has a Bachelor's degree in history but doesn't use it and has a job doing ubereats and another food delivery app. But in general, maybe you have a point. I'm 40 , not 20, so maybe I got a bit desparate. But he was also VERY nice and supportive in the beginning, which I sucked right up. I've dated worse to be honest.

[Anonymous]

you should ask them about it. it's really the only way to know if you did something wrong, or if it's on them.

[ShesRad80]

you seem like a sweet gal, maybe you see the good in people and not the red flags, it happens to a lot of us girls and guys.

[Sweetsurprize]

Thanks. ❤

[ShesRad80]

👍💕💕

[msc545]

Apparently you are picking the wrong guys. Maybe just because they look good?

[Sweetsurprize]

Or I'm desparate for a relationship.

[msc545]

why so desperate? A relationship is worse than no relationship