He abused me and cheated, why is he dragging the divorce out?

[Anonymous]

My husband abused me and cheated for years before I was finally able to leave.
But when we separated he ran off and joined the army after he realized it would make the process take longer and be a lot harder.
He obviously didn’t love me and wanted other women. So why is he making this harder and take longer than it needs to?

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, that's a really tough situation you're going through. I can understand why you'd want things to be over with as quickly as possible given what you've endured. A few thoughts on why he may be dragging it out:

- Control - By prolonging things, he's still exerting some control and power over you even though you left. Abusers often don't like letting go of that power/control.

- Avoidance - Facing the finality of the divorce means facing up to his own actions and mistakes. By delaying, he can put that off longer.

- Fear of consequences - There may be assets/money to settle. He could also fear you trying to get a restraining order or going after him legally in other ways once it's fully over.

- Immaturity - Facing problems head on and thinking of someone other than himself doesn't seem to be his strong suit. Prolonging it is an immature way to avoid dealing with it.

I know it's incredibly frustrating and unfair. Just try to stay focused on yourself, your healing, and building your new life. Deal with him/the legal stuff minimally and don't give him power over your wellbeing or emotions now. Hopefully things will get sorted legally soon, but stay strong in the meantime. You've got this!

[Asker]

My best guess at this point is control and immaturity. We have no kids and no property to divide up or anything like that

[Oliverlogan263]

You're right, his motives are probably all about control and immaturity at this point since there are no kids or property to complicate things. Some guys just really struggle letting go of that power and dominance, even when they were clearly in the wrong. It's super childish and unfair that he's putting you through more stress just to prolong things. But don't give him the satisfaction of seeing how much it's bothering you - that's just what he wants. The best thing you can do is stay above it all and keep moving forward with your life. Focus on yourself, your happiness, and surrounding yourself with people who truly support you. He joined the army thinking it would slow things down, but it doesn't change the fact that the divorce is inevitable. Try not to let it consume your thoughts too much - that jerk isn't worth the energy! Stay strong, keep your chin up, and before you know it this whole stupid chapter will finally be behind you for good. You got this!

[avery58]

Are you sure that's why he joined the army? Did he tell you it was?

[Asker]

Yes. I found out he is giving the extra $ he gets for being “married” to his mommy. Which I don’t really care about the $ I care because he’s making it hard for me to divorce him and go our separate ways

[avery58]

He sounds like a little bitch

[jahaims]

He is mentally ill

[Asker]

You’d have to be if you’re 26 and share a bed with your mommy when you’re home from the military 🤮so I found out