He cheated but why do I feel awful having to divorce?

[Anonymous]

I've actually discovered more and the affair has been going on for 2 years, not a year as previously thought. He got my 41 year-old friend pregnant.

I never wanted to be in this place. I think if it wasn't for the affair child, I would've tried working it out. Then again, maybe not. I don't know. I really can't think of anything awful I ever did. During his affair (when I was unaware), he changed so much, was giving me attitude, became obsessed with being more fit and losing weight, neglected me for intimacy, was suddenly working "extra shifts" and we started arguing more.

My parents and other relatives don't know the reason I'm divorcing. I feel awful having to do this. As if I've done something wrong or carrying some type of huge shame on my head. Why?

Updates

10 mo

I want to add this detail that feels even worse to me:
They had unprotected sex because he didn't think she would still get pregnant at that age.

[Lowly_Grump]

You have absolutely no reason to feel shame or guilt! That good-for-nothing, sniveling weasel of a husband has wronged you, and his resilience to temptation is as strong as a house of cards in a hurricane!

Divorce that scoundrel and send him on his merry way! He's as faithful as a three-legged race partner who trips you and as considerate as a mosquito in your ear. His attitude stinks like month-old garbage, and his obsession with fitness is as pointless as a screen door on a submarine.

As for that 41-year-old friend, she's a meddlesome, home-wrecking hag, flapping her gums and spreading chaos. Send her packing too!

You, my dear, are worth more than this mess. You're as radiant as the sun on a clear day, and your future will shine like a unicorn's fart. So, chin up, buttercup! This divorce is a celebration of your freedom from a scurvy seadog.

Remember, if anyone gives you grief, they're as dim-witted as a turnip with glasses, and their opinion is worth less than a bucket of warm spit.

[normalice]

I think of it as you are mourning the death of someone who never existed because they were a figment of your imagination. Your husband was never who you imagined him to be and its going to feel like he could be - but he can not. He's gone.

[Asker]

Yeah sadly. I would like to think the previous years (prior to his affair) were meaningful. We have our 20 year-old son, our only child. That's my most previous treasure. That's the only good thing I can think of that he ever gave me, nothing else.

[Asker]

*Previous treasure

[Asker]

Typo, it keeps changing what I want to type...*Precious treasure

[normalice]

That's the healthy way to look, at it for not.

[PeachyPie93]

Don't feel bad, it wasn't your fault. Just think good riddens you lost some baggage and you gained freedom. Just tell your family the truth he cheated and knocked up your slut of a friend. Things will get better just don't internalize it, it was his problem not yours.

[Asker]

I know. It really sucks. I never wanted a divorce but he basically gave me no choice. I might have possibly forgiven a drunken ONS (maybe, I don't know) but not a full 2 year-old affair and affair baby on the way.
Then even worse, they had unprotected sex practically the whole time because he didn't think she would still get pregnant at her age.

[PeachyPie93]

Yeah I could never forgive a guy for the unprotected sex, that is just horrible to do, like if you are gonna cheat at least wear a condom. I'm really sorry that happened to you.

[DishLady]

You probably feel bad bc there are kids involved and also bc divorce has been demonized, esp for females requesting a divorce. The first is a reflex, the second is part of social conditioning regarding the “till death do us part” of the traditional wedding vows….

[Asker]

We only have our 20 year-old and he's away in college, very upset with his father. I've advised to not ever cut contact with him because our issues has nothing to do with a son-father relationship. He's still the father of our son.
I really took my vows seriously and wanted to grow old with him. We were each others' first (virgins when we met) so this was crushing. I really can't ever forgive that. Even worse is he had unprotected sex with him practically most of the times because he really thought she wouldn't be able to get pregnant at that age.

[DishLady]

I know it’s hard, and you’re admirable for encouraging your son to keep contact with his dad. I did the same. But you have to let go, forgive and “shake the dust off your sandals” (don’t look back at this guy). It’s the only way YOU will be able to move forward.