What are the odds of an ex with anger problems wanting to get back together when you share a child?

[Anonymous]

Background -

*We've broken up twice now. The breakups were each REALLY similar and even around the same time (date of month that is). The first time, he behaved very similar to how he is now. Went OFF and flipped over something petty/small, blamed me for everything, and demanded a separation. We had very minimal contact (he would call occasionally to check on me and ask about our child), but that was all. Then one random day, about a month later, it all shifted. He suddenly changed his mind completely and really, really wanted me back. Like bad. He begged me to come over to talk, started saying I love you again (even before I decided to return) and swore up and down we could make it work (even though initially he said there was no hope for it, and it would be too toxic). He told me nothing had happened that was unforgivable, and we could make it.

*During this breakup, he is doing the same. He blew up and got angry over something rather small. Once again, ALL the blame/fault was placed on me. He said he was 100% done and I had proven to him it would never work. He spent a good amount of time berating me and making me feel SUPER bad about myself and really guilty (I had disagreed with a decision of his and THAT'S why he got angry and demanded a separation). I felt if I had just kept my mouth shut, he wouldn't have left me again. Then again, I also recognized that I have every right to be honest and speak my feelings too.

With all this being said, do you think that this will be an exact repeat of the first time? Should I be on the lookout for him trying to weasel back in like before? Or do you think this time, he really is done-done? I'm focusing completely on myself and our child at the moment. I just wanted to know if it was likely he would try to return or not.

If he does want to return, I don't know. I'm leaning towards saying no. I mean how long until he gets mad and leaves again?

Opinions/input would be appreciated!

[Skinhead-1979]

Wow... he sounds a lot worse than me...

When I am angry, I am angry at me... and I am raving and ranting at me.

My Anger comes from Pain; and the feeling that I am a a failure. Both my parents have called me a failure an awful lot and my mother also said I would never achieve anything in life (Well guess what? She was right...)

Sure, I have been angry and upset with my ex too... but that was always a completely different anger; I wouldn't be nearly as loud as I'd be when I am having a 'go' at myself, nor would I swear as much (I don't do name calling... but when I am upset, yes the Fucks keep flying around).

I most certainly wouldn't break up in anger... and then later come begging to be taken back.

Normally I would say stick with him... but I am now struggling with that; you are not a doormat, not a revolving door. He either stays with you, or buggers off and let you live your life in peace.

[Skinhead-1979]

People shouldn't be afraid of me when I am angry or upset with them; I am angry and upset with them because I care.

People should start to worry when I go quiet; when I am quiet, I am done... no way going back; it is over.

[Asker]

I'm so sorry your own parents have not given you the proper love and support everyone deserves from their parents. That's sad. It is never too late to change your life, so don't worry! I'm sure you're NOT a failure anyhow. You are just viewing yourself as "not good enough" based off what your parents tell you.

Anyhow, yeah it was pretty rough. It made me feel REALLY bad about myself when he was yelling at me. I started to believe that it was all my fault and I should just learn to shut up and not say stuff. When he decided to walk out AGAIN, I cried so much. I was so upset that I once again screwed things up and made him leave me.

I've kind of come to the realization that I, in fact, DID NOT "make" him do a damn thing. I didn't "make" him yell at me or react how he did. I didn't "make" him leave me. Those were 100% HIS choices. HE made the choice to walk away in anger each time. He made the choice to try to project everything onto me. I had nothing to do with his decisions.

Breaking up out of anger really is a terrible decision. You get mad and you say/do things you don't mean. Well, in the event you're actually LEAVING someone you're supposed to love out of anger, that can really cause irreparable damage. I mean your partner is going to feel like walking on egg shells around you. They are going to be so afraid you're going to blow up and get angry and leave again. That isn't fair.

[Asker]

I am kind of the same way. If I get mad at you for something, it's often because I care about you and I don't agree with whatever you've done or are planning to do. I'm upset by it because I know it's not a good idea and I don't want to see you get hurt or screw up. I know screwing up and making mistakes are all a part of life, just as I know you can't control people or what they do. But if I care about you, I am going to want what's best for you.

If I voice my opinion and feelings and you get angry and leave just because I share a different view than you, that is not right at all. That is NO reason to literally end a whole relationship. You need to just take space, calm down, then talk to each other. Try to see where the other person is coming from and see why they share a different view than you do. Maybe see if you can work out some kind of compromise.

If I just stop saying anything, stay quiet, etc., that's bad. That means I've pretty much given up. I know my feelings and opinions don't matter. I know it isn't going to change. You'll still do whatever you please despite how I feel. If I stop trying to fight for things, I've given up and it's done.

[Skinhead-1979]

"Anyhow, yeah it was pretty rough. It made me feel REALLY bad about myself when he was yelling at me. I started to believe that it was all my fault and I should just learn to shut up and not say stuff."

I do have to admit that I may have caused this in my ex too... before I highlight on that, I want to say that you've brought up 1 really important thing yourself: The Projecting.

Projecting is a typical trait of a Narcissist; someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I suspect... based on her behaviour and the many articles I have read... she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or at the very least 'ticks a lot of boxes'.

No one likes to be subjected to someone else's anger, but Narcissist struggle particularly hard with it: They simply don't understand why you are angry; a Narcissist lacks Empathy.

Narcissists can appear as very confident, but all Narcissist are very insecure. My ex has so many unreasonable fears; which she started to project onto me.

I got tired of hearing from her "I am Fat! I am Ugly! I am Useless... at the first opportunity you'll leave me for someone else" and she of course started to accuse me of cheating. Yeah, she is overweight, has saggy boobs, her hair was getting thinner... so what? I chose to be with her, I love (d) her... I am not all of sudden going to pack my bags and leave because there might be something better...

... but that is exactly what she does; as soon as she has no purpose for someone anymore... can also be just friend... she'll abandon that person and starts clinging onto the next one.

[Skinhead-1979]

I have confronted her so many times with how she made me feel or what her behaviour was causing, all I would get out of her was an insincere "Well... I am sorry!"... and then I am being accused of being controlling. No, same as what you have said about your partner, I care about her; I worry about her and I hope that by making her aware of what she does or causes things will become better... but as I have said, a Narcissist is incapable of that. Through Therapy they could learn appear a bit more caring; but Empathy can never be taught: You either have it or you don't... and then there's of course the issue of getting a Narcissist to a Therapist because they will have to admit something is wrong with them them and they won't of course.

The breaking up, doesn't matter whether it is in anger or not, and coming back is a form of control: Punishment and Reward... The ex did that with love, sex and affection too. One moment I am being pushed away when cuddling up with her, and the next moment she accuses me that I never hug her... again that confusion sowing. It's by keeping you confused and doubting everything that they can keep exerting control over you; you are a prisoner without prison bars, doors and locks. You can walk away any time, but you simply can't.

[Asker]

It makes sense that my ex may have some narcissistic traits. It really did feel like he was projecting it onto me. I've caught him doing things like that before. He would yell at me for deleting something from my phone and say HE didn't do that... yet he used a messaging app (over traditional texting) that literally AUTOMATICALLY deleted conversations and pictures sent/received. I never understood that.

He would also get angry and just resort to blaming me entirely and not take any accountability for his role (s). He would just blame everything solely on me and stay mad at me. I understand he had issues with past relationships (I've been there as well) and it almost felt like he was treating me like them. Like basically just considering me to be the same and assuming I was going to do the same that they did (even though I never would).

I never cheated and never would. I have decent self-confidence and wouldn't accuse him of cheating on me or wanting to leave me.

[Asker]

I didn't want him to leave and I hated it when he was screaming at me. I felt trapped, like I couldn't get away and he just wouldn't stop yelling. After he was done yelling, he decided he was done with me/us and just left. It hurt, but I let him go.

He has texted me since then. He also called me once. The call was a disaster. He stayed on the phone with me for over 2 hours, but most of it was spent belittling me and reminding me I was the reason he was gone and we weren't together. He told me how he didn't want to work it out and how I never learned from the first time and stuff. I ended up feeling really down that night because those words really hurt.

After that, he texted me two different times. First was to tell me he was coming to get the rest of his stuff. When he came, he was civil, but short and made no effort to hang around (to be expected). The next time, he texted to have a brief conversation about the child we share.

The first time, he didn't reach out as much/often. I'm not sure if he'll try to come back this time like he did the first time or not.

[Skinhead-1979]

I am of course no medical specialist; and most likely due to having had an awful lot of bad experiences with people who show a lot of narcissistic traits I may be a bit too much on the look out for them... but to me it does sound like he ticks an awful lot of boxes.

The sad thing is, there is no easy way dealing with a narcissist. Sure, you can learn to live with it... but you need to have a pretty 'thick skin' for that. It will never get better. That leaves only the other option of leaving and finding someone who will be there for you and cares about you the same you would do for another person.

You will be in constant pain which will change you; and as a result of that he could only get worse. You don't want to get stuck in a life like that.

[In_Trance]

Move on. Smh

[Asker]

That made me laugh/smile. Thank you! lol

I kind of feel like NOT allowing him to come back this time if he does try to. I was just wondering how likely others think it would be that he WOULD actually try to come back again like he did the first time.

[moneymagnet24]

Men with anger issue have pure heart he will come back once he calm down... I bet $100

[Asker]

You really think even after this being the second time, he'll still want to come back again?

[Asker]

What if he actually said he was "moving on with himself" and was totally done with me/us? Would it still be likely it would just repeat itself and he'd end up coming back still like before?

[LaurenM1997]

Men with anger issues DO NOT a have a pure heart he’s filling you with utter shit!

[Asker]

@LaurenM1997 I knew that was not a truthful statement. I mean, if he had a pure heart, he wouldn't be full of aggression, right? I just wonder if I actually do have to worry about him potentially trying to come back like before, or if I should be "safer" since he said he was "moving on with himself" and "totally done" with me/us. Of course, I also know people say plenty when they're angry, so I don't know. I was just wondering if I do have to worry or if I'd be more clear to feel like he probably won't try to reconcile this time.

[LaurenM1997]

That is true

[Asker]

@LaurenM1997 I just wondered if I had any worries as to whether he'd repeat himself and once again try to come back. If so, I don't think I'm going for it.

[LaurenM1997]

Yeah don’t go for it

[Enes38]

Maybe you should consider a new relationship

[Asker]

I said I am leaning towards not taking him back if he does return. I mean this is twice now. It feels like a repeat cycle - you get angry, blame me for everything, yell/insult me, then leave until you decide to come back/realize you were wrong. That isn't exactly healthy, especially with a child involved.

I was just wondering if it was likely he WOULD try to come back just like he did the first time around. If he does, what steps should I take? If I say no and he gets crazy, what should I do? I just want to protect myself and my child. I know he's the dad, but still. If I decide not to take him back (if he wants to come back), I'm afraid he may try to do something (hurt me, take the child from me, etc.). I'm trying to weigh my odds of him coming back and think of a plan in the event he does decide to try that.

[Enes38]

Don't you have a family member to protect you or contact the police or change your place of residence?

[Asker]

Can't change residence at the moment. I rent and my lease is not up yet. Yes, worst case, I could call the police.

[Enes38]

But if the situation gets worse, you should change the city you live in

[Asker]

That's harder since I do have a child with me. I'd have to watch what would and wouldn't be allowed.

[Enes38]

I understand, as a woman, it's a really difficult situation.

[Asker]

It definitely is. I want what's best for me and my child and our safety is number one, but I also don't want to do ANYTHING that may potentially get my child taken from me either.

[Enes38]

Of course, that's what a good mother does.