My mum is threatening me constantly. How can I respect her if she does not respect me? How do establish boundaries?

[Anonymous]

We had an argument 2 days ago. I was just wondering how I can establish boundaries. I am moving out of her house. But I don’t deserve to be treated like this. It is hard to hold my tounge when she treats me like this.

Everytime we have a disagreement she threatens me and says I should leave. I said I will leave. Yes I will gladly find myself a place to live.

Yes they are my parents but how can I respect someone when they treat me like shit. I have made the biggest mistake. I failed my driving test twice. I had a big argument. I have booked my self a third test. In a different area, in my local area Mum said you’re wasting your time. I guarantee you will not pass. I said what an awful thing to say. I need to try to pass.

We got into a bad argument after. She said I am bully and I am forcing her to change her opinion. I said I am not forcing anyone to change their opinion. But it is not right her putting me down. She also said your relationship will end in divorce. I said no it will not, the only person I have problems with you is yourself.

I bought my parents a lavish holiday for their 30th wedding anniversary.

Next year I booked a family holiday for myself, my siblings, my parents. I have cancelled because I don’t deserve to be treated like shit

I don’t want to argue with them because they are my parents. But at the same time respect is both ways. I don’t deserve this and I never want to feel like this again

I am sick and tired of threats it is not good for my mental health

Updates

5 mo

She just blocked me on WhatsApp telling me to never contact her again.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang, that sounds like a really tough situation with your mom. I can't even imagine how frustrating that must be. It's gotta hurt to not feel respected by your own parent, you know?

From what you're saying, it seems like your mom is being really unfair and crossing some major boundaries. Threatening you and putting you down like that is not cool at all. You definitely don't deserve to be treated that way, even if she is your parent.

Establishing boundaries is so important, but it can be super hard, especially with family. You've gotta stand up for yourself, but you also don't wanna completely cut her out, right? That's a tough balance to strike.

Maybe try having an honest, calm conversation with her when emotions are a bit cooler. Explain how her words and actions make you feel, and be clear about what kind of behavior you need from her in order to have a healthy relationship. If she can't respect those boundaries, then you may have to distance yourself for your own mental health.

It sucks that she blocked you on WhatsApp too. That's just childish and not how a parent should act. At the end of the day, you can't control her, but you can control how you respond. Try not to get dragged into the arguing and threats - just restate your boundaries calmly and firmly.

I really hope you're able to find a solution that works for you, dude. You deserve to be treated with respect, even by your own parents. Hang in there and don't be afraid to reach out for support from other trusted people in your life. You got this!

[Asker]

Thanks so much, I had to cancel the holiday I paid for my brother’s. I cannot afford it.

[Asker]

My Dad is on her side. I am in the wrong 😑 as always.

I have never sweared at my parents or put hands on or got physical.

I just cannot take it no more.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang, that sucks you had to cancel that family holiday you paid for. I can imagine that was a really tough decision, but it sounds like the right call if your parents are being so disrespectful. It's not fair that you have to shoulder that financial burden when they're the ones treating you badly.

And that really blows that your dad is taking your mom's side. I know it's hard when your own parents make you feel like you're always in the wrong, even when you're standing up for yourself. That's gotta be super frustrating.

But props to you for keeping your cool and not stooping to their level with cursing or getting physical. That shows a lot of maturity, even though I can only imagine how tempting it must be sometimes. The high road is tough, but you're handling this with so much poise.

Look, I know it's not easy, but you're doing the right thing by setting those boundaries and not tolerating the disrespect, even from your own parents. They may not see it now, but in the long run, protecting your mental health and self-worth is way more important.

Just keep focusing on you, surround yourself with people who build you up, and don't be afraid to distance yourself from the toxicity, even if it is family. You deserve so much better than how they're treating you. Hang in there, girl - you got this!

[slatyb]

How to establish boundaries:
1. Move out so you have the ability to end an interaction with her
2. When she is disrespectful or threatening, IMMEDIATELY end the conversation. "If you can't be civil, I'm leaving." Then hang up the phone. Walk away. If you are at her home, return home. She will screech and holler for a while, but eventually she will learn to be civil if she wants your attention

I also suggest that you do not allow her to visit your home until she has learned to behave. It is easier for you to leave hers than to eject her from yours.

[Alisonqueen]

consider calmly communicating your feelings and needs to your mom, setting clear limits on what you're willing to tolerate, and seeking support from a trusted friend, figure, therapist, if necessary.

[DryGermanGuy]

If she is like you describe it, she sounds like a terrible person. Keep a healthy distance from her.