What to do when your husband threatens to kill himself if you end the relationship, but you know he will actually do it?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been together 16 years, 6 months ago I found out he had been talking sexually to men online. This was devastating and broke me, I wanted to end the relationship but he said he would kill himseld if I did. We have 3 children together so I felt obligated to carry on for their sake. It was 6 months from hell following that, as I continued the relationship but my head and heart didn’t want too. Then last week I find a dating app for gay men, and on there was 100s of photos of him having sex with men, mainly in 3/4 sum situations. It was disturbing photos and he wrote a bio of what he liked (cross dressers etc)

this time I wasn’t angry, I didn’t want to upset the kids like last time and tried to keep everything as minimal as possible. I informed him I know what he had been up too and gave him the weekend to find other living arrangements. That deadline is up tomorrow but he’s refusing to leave, I have said if he doesn’t I will have to call the police and he says I will make a huge scene and it’s unfair to did that to the kids, that if he leaves he will 100% kill himself. People say he’s lying and just trying to play my feelings but I know he will do it, he will do it to hurt me and to hurt his kids, becus that will hurt me more. He’s a narcissist for sure, and even through this it’s all about him. He tries hugging and kissing me becus “he needs a hug." I have told him over and over that the rship is done but he point blank dismisses it and says we are together forever and I just need to accept that.
I rang the police for advice the weekend and without violence they can’t make him leave. I don’t want him to kill himself, my children will never get over it and it will be soul destroying for them, but mentally I’m not sure I can have him here with me, pressuring me for sex and touching me, when I don’t want it. He never takes no for an answer and will ask the same question 100 times over until I change my answer to something thay suits him.

[Rainbow_Boy]

I'm truly sorry for what you have been going through and I say this as a man who has been in your husband's position (or rather dilemma). I don't want to get into too much detail because I can write a book about my life and struggle, but I'll simply say I had never-ending and very strong transgender (which I originally thought was gay) impulses my whole life. Like your husband, I got married and had kids. My wife always knew something was off with me, but when she truly found out, she got nonetheless stupefied. She tried to make it work for a while, but she had clearly stopped seeing me as a man anymore, and that was the end of it.

Now, we're separated, waiting for divorce. I know the bulk of the problem was my own making as she had originally signed up to be with a man, while I don't even feel close to being one now. I have never felt suicidal, that's one thing that separates my case from your husband's, but I think the guilt and the feeling of being suffocated in a life that doesn't suit one's mind and soul must be similar.

Ifr you ever want to communicate with someone who has experienced a very similar problem to yours from the opposite perspective, please let me know. I will be glad to try providing any help I can, because I've been there, and I'd like to reduce the suffering caused by this very difficult life situation.

My best wishes,

[Asker]

I have tried to message you but it won’t allow me

[Rainbow_Boy]

I presume you are a user here in GAG. I think you can message me after sending a friends request. Once I accept it, we can then communicate in Direct Messaging. I can also give my personal e-mail address, if you wish. Please let me know your preference.

[spartan55]

Ugh, one of the tired manipulation tactics used. The solution is simple

[NoDecision]

He needs to go as you could possibly get AIDs from him. Your answer to him is when he threatens to harm himself should be - "You make the decision that is best for you, and I will make the decision that is best for me." The possible bad downside to this is that he does like others have done instead of just killing themselves. It will be labeled "Murder-Suicide". That can happen even if you have a restraining order. And unfortunately, the police will say they can't do anything until someone actually tries to kill you. That's the fucked-up part of it all. You would have to move out with the kids, quit your job, if you have one, and disappear in one day. That would require help. But eventually they could still find you unless you changed your name or something. 😔

[Agape93]

I'd leave. I will not be emotionally manipulated. If I'm done, I'm done and gone. If he wants to kill himself over it, go ahead.

[Smile456]

Doesn't matter either way

[Pterodon]

Tell him to stop talking about it and get after it

[Pterodon]

This is nothing more than manipulation and holding you hostage. If he does kill himself he was going to do it anyway. If you want peace of mind for your conscience tell the authorities you’re leaving and he said he’d kill himself. They’ll show up for you to leave in peace

[Fireguy17]

drama queen.