Why do we always see the dumpers as the villains, while in truth, it’s the dumpees who drove them to the break up?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

In my last relationship I was in a relationship where I broke up with him first but we reconciled and then he broke up with me finally. I was devastated and loved and hated him at the same time.

I am in my 2nd relationship and I’ve reached the emotional burnout, where I invest so much and get so less in return, where my needs are rarely met and while I love this person I know they cannot change and won’t change… I am at the point of disappointment and feeling like now I finally understand my ex and the pain he might have felt to finally break up. Because I feel like I am at that place… Where I’ve tried everything I could and nothing works, so you just get yourself ready to let this person go… And accept the fact that they won’t be able to meet you where you want.

My ex told me years ago during break up and I can relate to him the most right now at this moment, he said “I love you, I really do, but I love myself more.”

[ohsheeT]

This is the key to it all everything we do is a learning experience

But in order to learn what we are meant to learn we must love ourselves first

Look when we are made we are made with the best of everything. We can have anything and every thing

In order to get there
You have to understand the meaning of

Become one with self
Become one with others
Become one with our universe our God

We you can do this when two people can do this there is a flow of understanding and with just the look in yo each others eyes it's fixed what ever the problem is because your both on the same page you are there for each other in every way there's an understanding of love
If we cannot do this, then it's better to be by ourselves. Until we can find that person to do this with

So an all honesty , it's the dumpers fault as well as the dumpees fault for not understanding this and trying it that way with no ego what so ever involved

Relationships come to an end, because people stop growing together. There's always an ego involved somewhere there has to be right instead of looking at the whole picture. The deeper picture

[loveslongnails]

Hmmm... you only have 2 premises in your question, and both are wrong! LOL Who's the "we" that ALWAYS see the dumpers as villains? That would be the "dumped" group of "we" people, right? And where is the basis for your sweeping generalization that claims to be "the truth" -- that the dumpees drove them to do it? Based on what?

Every relationship is different, and although they may fall apart for similar reasons, you can't possibly say "it's always the one getting dumped who forced the other person to do it". That's nonsense.

I'm throwing this in too -- "I love you, (really?) but I love myself more", is cinema. It sounds heartfelt and like it's for self-protection, but it's really designed to assuage the expected pain you'll feel by saying that "you're loved". What the dumper is actually saying, most often, is "I can't love you because your way of loving back does not work for me". It sounds a lot nicer to say "I (have to) love myself MORE", because it's a truism and something you yourself believe when you hear it.

[Little_Bumblebee]

I don't see someone as a villain just because they broke up with someone. Same with the opposite.

Sometimes, and most often, its a question of compatibility, or something internal.

I would only see someone as a "villain" if they were abusive, or cheating.
Has rarely something to do with who dumped who.

[Screenwriter]

There's no hard and fast rule about breakups. Usually it's because both people do not fit with each other on a level that is not sustainable over time.

There are usually no absolute villains. Just people who don't and can't work as a couple.

[OlderAndWiser]

Remember that these relationships are not wasted experiences if you think about what has happened and use your analysis to become a better person. Failed relationships teach us about what we want and what we can't tolerate in a partner, and also what we did that contributed to the failure.

I know it is painful but that is the price you pay for being a loving and passionate woman. Eventually, you will find The One for you, and these failed relationships will help you to appreciate the man you finally found!

[Finchie40]

Because most people in general are selfish and have a hard time accepting the fact that they were wrong , so it’s easier for them to point fingers before pointing fingers at themselves first. Some people break up with their partners’ for dumb reasons , it mainly stems down to their own selfishness by thinking they deserve better or the grass is greener on the other side , when they realize they weren’t really missing out on anything they kick themselves in the ass for being selfish and dumb

[midnightmoon05]

At this point of my life, I can say, I can look back and learned the following..

both experiences of being a dumper and a dumpee.

while being in it… we feel that life is not fear and they are the bad person. But once we are out of it and look back, i realized how relationships work… we pick that person and we too contribute to the decisions how things go. We learned through dating that this may or may not be the person for us and we must decide soon… but it’s not as logical while in it… it’s emotional so we get sad/angrery.
I also learned there is nothing wrong with me… just a bad match.
this has to do with 2 people looking for love and honesty to have a future together for the long run… marriage and kids.

excluding factors such as friends with benefits, open relationships etc.

[RavVid]

I don't think it is as cut and dried as you are suggesting. It is most often the female who decides it is time to move on and set up options before she does make the move.

More likely it is six of one and a half dozen of the other. We can't make any judgement externally. Your needs are not being met but on his side you might be demanding too much.

What you say at the end is absolutely right. You can love but need to go at the same time.

Both in a couple need to make the other's life better. Before you up stakes maybe reflect on how you do or don't make his life better and what you need from him to make your life better.

[Sal_Monella]

When the dumpers set unreasonable, arbitrary standards and keep moving the goal posts, it's easy to fall short. That's why in any new relationship the first 2 or 3 dates should be strictly conversational without physical intimacy. Over coffee at Starbucks during the day is fine. During those dates. The Interview, the fine details of wants, both social and sexual, should be worked out. Then you and she adhere to them. That way you minimize dumpage It this too complicated? Don't come to me when you get dumped.

[Anonymous]

Im in the same situation of how you feel now. If I could go back I wouldn't of had a child with him because now im stuck, I can't leave. I say that because im depressed and need help with the baby so im sort of stuck in limbo here. So dont have a baby with this guy. Just brake up and call it a day. Your lucky

[msc545]

I think it's because the lever has plenty of time to prepare for leaving without telling you what they're going to do ahead of time and they just kind of spring it on you as an ugly surprise. To me, that makes them awful. I'm sorry to hear you're having your troubles with us but a good heart like you is inevitably going to run into some fairly bad actors and looks like you've done that. Again. I'm sorry.

[Zack-Bann]

Funny enough I never blamed the girl who dumped me
I was sad but I understood her


But I still hate myself for dumping a girl who was completely in love with me


She wanted marriage and kids and I was years away from being ready for that so I told myself “I did her a favor”


But I still feel like she didn’t deserve that

[DryGermanGuy]

There really is no fixed pattern in breakups. Sometimes it’s the guy’s fault, sometimes it’s the girl’s fault, sometimes it’s both‘s fault and sometimes it’s even none‘s fault. 🤷‍♂️

[DJB72]

My suggestion would be to talk to him, not us.

The trouble with asking a site explicitly designed to hide our true identity is there's no way to tell who's actually got your interests at heart. Not unless you take the time to DM and get to know people.

I hope you can find a way to find peace, either with this guy or with another who treats you well and communication is central in your relationship.

[live2dance25]

Because relationships are a two way street, and it’s often not just one party, but one or both not acknowledging their flaws or setting boundaries and sticking to them.

[NathanDavis]

I never had a bad break-up before so... I can't really speak on that

but if it were the case, I would only blame myself for it

[Nikki1989]

Men who find themselves dumped rarely want to take any of the blame. They will always turn all the blame onto the woman.

[MannMitAntworten]

I have never seen either as a victim or villain. Granted I have never ended things or had things ended with me out of some flaw in character. We just weren’t a fit.

[slatyb]

Why does someone have to be the villain? It takes two, baby, it takes two.

[Staximus]

It's ok crazy leg, better to know now than to be married to the wrong guy. You're no mud hen, you have a million more guys to choose from

[dudeinohio]

Thats not necessarily true. Sometimes the dumper is at fault.

[zagor]

It varies by situation, it's not all one way or the other.

[Bklynbadboy12]

You might a well just leave its not gonna work you seem so unhappy

[snermcger]

Sympathy for the Devil?

[Chrytina84]

Cause people need someone to blame.

[Seabreeze0]

cause they can’t be at “fault”.