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My ex, who I loved very much, just dumped me. It was kind of out of nowhere from my perspective. He said he loves me but he needs time to heal and that he lost himself in the relationship. He has been going out, drinking, partying, and talking to many girls since our breakup. And I’m left to suffer.
My family pulls me out of bed to go out, and I try to take nature walks and write in my journal. It all helps but I still feel a deep sadness. Everyone is telling me that I’m “winning” but I still feel so much despair. Any tips on dealing with the sadness will help. I want to move on.
P. S. I don’t want to get back with him after what I saw. I just want to heal.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
4Opinion
So many people will offer the advice that "the best way to get over one person is to get under another." I don't like that one. Only time will heal that heart. You can fill your time with activities and just avoid things that remind you of that person till you're ready to go back to them. Rebuild.
Put on some dance music and start dancing in your basement alone and exercise while you are listening to the songs. I learned through a friend if you want clean and positive lyrics in your songs, you can tell Siri to make you a dance music series for 10 year old kids. That drives out the depressing lyrics about cheating and drug dealing and self-destructive behaviour.
Stop viewing his social media posts or hearing updates about him from mutual friends. Mute or block him.
When an ex leaves suddenly, your brain tries to fill in the gaps with questions you will never get answered. Instead of waiting for him to provide closure, write down the brutal truth of the situation to anchor your own reality and let the fantasy of the relationship die
Continue leaning on your family to get you out of bed, as staying active gently re-engages your brain's reward circuits even when grief makes you want to hide.
It's okay to cry, in fact, it's a really healthy, natural way to let out negative emotions. I found myself awake in the middle of the night doing the uncontrollable crying thing and it helped me a lot.
Spend some time grieving the relationship and getting to know yourself again. Rebounding will only prolong the period and make it harder for you in the long-term.
meditation, is the most important piece of advice I can give to you.
Your emotions are heavily influenced by your diet and levels of activity. I know you won't feel like it at the time, but force yourself to eat healthily and to exercise.
I know it may feel like it, but you're really not alone. This process will make you stronger and so many people are going through it right now. The cycle of emotions are perfectly normal and everybody processes things in different ways. Don't let anybody make you feel like you shouldn't cry or feel low about it, because that's a healthy and natural response
Good luck
Shadow work. NOT mainstream therapy scam.
Therapy is telling people "when you add 1 with 1, you get 2".
Shadow work is "remember who told you that 1+1 is 0? They were wrong".
HOWEVER. It is hugely popular to accuse your ex of teaching you that... no he did not. Your caretakers in infancy did. 100% of the time. Exes are NEVER the root cause.
Processing any feelings are not supposed to feel tormenting. Even sadness, if you dominate it, feel it, it should be bright in a healthy soul.
If any feelings torment you, then you are traumatized. At some point in life you were told your feeling was wrong. You are now afraid of the feeling, so it posseses you. The pain is using your hard intellect to justify spreading the pain on others. You think the man is not in pain? Drinking? Promiscuity? It is self violation.
All it takes to become a sadomasochist is to seek the easy way out.
What feeling are you trying to run away from? Sadness? Face it. Face the first time you felt it that your sadness was invalidated.
And he has mommy and daddy issues. All substance use and non-substance addiction stems from broken parenting.
Sorry you are going through this. It happens to many of us. You are doing exactly what you should be doing. You are letting yourself feel the pain and allowing yourself to mourn. You already know that there will be no going back. All thats left is giving it time.
Stop thinking about it + time passed