Why do I feel guilty for ignoring my ex when he did so many wrong things?

[Anonymous]

I was with my ex for two years almost. He broke up with me out of the blue (via text) saying we were becoming too dependent upon each other. We were in the process of moving in together, and he was actually planning to propose.

I realize looking back on the relationship that it started going downhill in the last year of the relationship; especially in regards to how he was treating me (wouldn't do hospital visits, visit my family, buy anything for holidays, stopped taking me out, acted extremely jealous to the point I couldn't be around anyone without him getting mad, etc - basically his behavior changed for the worse). I even found out after the relationship ended that he had cheated on me while my father was in the hospital dying (and possibly a few other times). After the break up, he also posted my phone number up in some shady places and I had some people calling me for "hook ups" (which I don' t do and he knew it). Needless to say, I have no desire to go back to this man.

However, the problem is every now and then I feel bad about my ex. I have kept up the no contact rule even though he has tried contacting me. I feel a bit guilty for this as I agreed to try and be friends should we ever break up (which we did). Everyone around me agrees that I did the right thing, especially with how he handled everything towards the end.

Occasionally, I remember the good times and miss them/him but they were so few and far between (and honestly, I enjoy being with my current boyfriend so much more than I ever had him). I honestly think towards the end I was with my ex because of habit and a lingering hope things would go back to how they used to be. I personally believe that he really did me a favor by breaking up with me. I know for a FACT that I do not want to be with him ever again and know that being around him isn't good for me (or my self esteem as I was often belittled towards the end). However, I feel bad at the same time that I'm ignoring him as we were friends before we had started dating.

So, in the end, I keep questioning why I feel guilty for not responding knowing everything bad he's done to me (and knowing I don't want to have to deal with him).

[Anonymous]

It's because you have low self esteem. Somewhere inside you, you feel that you deserve to be abused. And since your ex is an abuser, you still think you guys can make a good couple, because he will always belittle you and in your head, you feel you deserve it.

In order to stop feeling guilty about what someone has done to you, you need to build up your self esteem and realize you are worthy of love and respect. But the only person who can build that up is you by not hanging around a guy like that again. Keep up the no contact, because maybe this boyfriend you have now can show you what it feels like to be loved and how much better that is. Your ex will learn his lesson eventually, he is in control of his own life. Don't think you have to baby or mother him to make yourself feel better.

[Asker]

I don't want to be abused. I admit I put up with it for far to long. He was never physical with it but it was mental at times. He did in fact lower my self esteem and that was something I never had an issue with before.

I'm currently trying to build it back up actually. I know I am worthy of it and the guy I'm dating has been really good to be. I told him I wasn't putting up with any BS this time around and I've stuck to that.

Thank you. I don't plan to play his mother ever again.

[WickedEyedLeo]

You're afraid to be alone. You want security and want a man to give it to you.

[Asker]

Never considered that. Besides this relationship I just got into each of my relationships had at least 1.5 years break in between where I didn't date anyone and worked on bettering myself. The current one I'm in I only had a 9 month break between relationships and I actually started talking to him at the 6 month mark. The only reason I'm still feel bad about my ex occasionally is because he contacts me at least twice a month trying to get me to respond and I did promise to be friends before.

[Xx_DRE_xX]

Because your a good person & in some sort of way you still care for his being. It was completely the sameway for me. I just had to tell myself that even though we've went our ways, its better if we just keep it this way.

[prophecy]

men should be afraid of women like you the most.

[Asker]

Why?

[prophecy]

women are less rational in general than men are and if you add completely irrational guilt to that, you have a crazy chicken.

she's a time bomb. sooner or later she will do some crazy sh*t.

[Asker]

Interesting. I just felt bad for breaking a promise and thought I was feeling guilt over that but wasn't sure. Never thought about it being irrational.

[prophecy]

you keep promise if you're treated right. if not that promise is gone. thinking differently is irrational and illogical.

[Asker]

Hmmm... I was always raised if you make a promise no matter what you keep it and I've always tried to do that my whole life. Never really been in a situation where things turned out the way it did.

[prophecy]

so if you promised someone you will take care of his flowers and then that person kills your parents, would you still care for the flowers?

you know, irrational guilt, or so-called needless guilt almost always comes from teachings when you're young. and you're a living proof. parents always teach how to be nice to people, but almost never how to stand up for yourself when needed.