Have I missed the signs of an emotionally unavailable man on the rebound or is he just a player

[Anonymous]

Hi there.

So I met a really nice guy on a dating site. We went for coffee and then a number of dates. We seemed to be very comfortable with each other and the chemistry was really great. We decided to start dating exclusively in order to make sure that we really are as compatible as it seemed at first. We would then decide whether to enter into a committed relationship. This was 7 weeks ago.

Since then we became very close and everything seemed to just FIT. Similar interests still amazing chemistry etc etc etc. He treated me like a princess 24/7. He helped me out and was very protective towards me. Tried to lend a hand wherever he could. Until a week ago. He suddenly told me that he realized that he is not at all ready to fall in love and give someone unconditional love…He says he feels disconnected and uninterested and he is afraid that I might get hurt by becoming more attached to him than he could to me…. It seems to be linked to his ex girlfriend of 3 years recently getting married. So what I read in his explanation is that he is on the rebound?

I was honest about my needs from the start. Even tough I was also not ready to plunge into a committed relationship quite yet…I liked the idea of us working towards that. Seeing as this plan was no longer on track according to him I suggested withdrawing from him. His reaction was that withdrawing would be senseless…He said that this was not a withdrawal or break up discussion and that I should relax.

Ok since the “not” break up he has been distant and so have I. I do not know how to react on this. Problem is I didn’t even realize exactly how attached I have already grown to him! I miss his frequent texts and phone calls just to hear my voice. I miss all the things we used to do together and because we live in very close proximity to each other, even going to the grocer reminds me of him!I really haven’t felt this empty in many many years. I think that I might have actually fallen in love with this man in 6 weeks. Its not that I need him I actually do want him…if that makes sense. This is a big deal for me because I haven’t opened up like this in a very long while.

Can you give me some advice as to what to do here?

[Anonymous]

Believe what he says to you. He didn't break up with you, but yet he told you he does not think he can love you properly as a man should. BELIEVE HIM. It doesn't matter why, it only matters that that's the way he feels. I would let him know that things aren't going as well as they were and that you are going to start to date other people again. That's his chance to decide if he wants to take a shyte or get off the pot. Felt good to open up again, didn't it? Keep that in mind, as you move forward. Maybe that's all his purpose was in your life, to get you open to the idea of giving someone your heart again . . . Look at the positives, keep yourself busy, start meeting other people and things will work out OK. Good luck

[Asker]

Thank you...I don't think that I will be able to trust a 360 degree turnaround though. Him telling me how crazy is is about me and making vacation plans and telling me he wants me in his life for good and THEN suddenly realizing he's not ready? How will I be able to trust another word from him ever? Or even his sweet actions?

[QueenBeatris]

it isn't that you fell in love,its the chemical in your brain that confuses love w lust,trust me, women get more attached quicker because we are allowing a man to enter into our body, internalizing within us. Look on the dating site see if he is back on, sounds like he is after that feel good chemistry and isn't really looking for more than just that.Not so much a player but an emotionally unavailable guy.Your gut is right and you should break it off, its almost as if he has you on the shelf like a toy and wants you when he wants u,do not allow that, dump the arsehole

[Anonymous]

You're not ready to 'plunge in to a committed' relationship, but he is ready.

Either you go all in, or you miss you chance about a guy who's crazy over you.

I always followed the philosophy about not over complicating a relationship, getting lost in the love, and not being afraid to be as happy as soon as possible. Times-a-tickin and you only have one life so why not engage in something wonderful*

[Asker]

You are misunderstanding the situation. We mutually agreed not to just leap but take it slow... He is the one who after all we did together and the things we shared not wanting to commit to relationship status.