Date With No Expectations Or You Will Be Sadly Disappointed

[Stacyzee]

The biggest mistake I see people make when newly dating someone is that they enter into the entire ordeal with expectations.

I know, in many peoples minds they're probably thinking, "It's perfectly normal to have expectations. How could that possibly be negative?" By the end of this article, you will understand why dating with no expectations has allowed me to excel with great success; in establishing relationships with others.

I want you to please consider, that when you are dating someone, it is the trial period.

This means that your relationship with this person is at a very vulnerable state. Almost everything that you do, and every move that you make, will be carefully critiqued by that person and looked into.

One bad move, could throw this person off and have them lose interest in you altogether.
Even if all seems to be shining brightly, you never know 100% where that person's mind is at, even if they tell you otherwise.

Expectation is the root of all heartache.

When you expect things from someone you are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.
You're placing all of your high and mighty energy into thinking, I did Action (A) things went well, so I expect Action (B) to follow.
This is the most common thing I hear after someone claims they have had a successful date, or that they have engaged in intimacy for the first time with that person.

In your mind things went well, but again I will state, you never know what is going on in the other person's mind.
A million things could be!
Perhaps things went so well, that it scared that person into thinking a relationship is a huge step they aren't ready for, or maybe they feel they don't have enough incommon with you as they thought.
You never know!
You only "think" you know.

Perception is something that can allow you to be blind and not see the situation for what it really is.
So please, take the blind folders off.
Yes, everything appeared to go well from your point of view, but theirs is clearly different, this is why there has been a drastic behavioral change in them; after your encounter.
You notice that they don't call or text you as frequently.

You are seeing that they have pulled back, as opposed to taking a keen interest in you like they did in the beginning.

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.

NEVER expect anything out of something that remains uncertain.

I expected an A on my exam but I got a B.
I expected to win first place, but instead I came in second.
I expected roastbeef for dinner, but instead I got chicken.
All of my energy went into thinking that I knew the outcome of the situation before it was even ready to present itself.

When you expect you feel entitled, when you feel entitled and you get opposite of what you bargained for, there is an eruption that will occur inside of your mind and soul.
You're unhappy!
You're angry!
You keep replaying the scenario of the date over and over in your mind, thinking what could have possibly went wrong when all seemed well.

A view that has worked towards dating and intimacy with a new person for me, is to understand that it is okay to want, but it is never okay to expect.
When you "want" you aren't placing all of your fuel into a reaction you feel is 100% certain.
When you "want" something you see that there is room open for disappointment.
You are looking at the situation in a practical and logical manner.
Yes, You may want the person to be as attentive as they were before your social encounter or intimacy, but you understand that there is no guarantee.
When you understand that you won't always get what you hoped for, that will be the biggest tool you need in order to quickly gather your emotions and move on to a relationship that is more suiting for you.

Person A: I wanted this to work out but it didn't.
Person B: I expected this to work out, but it didn't.

Which person do you think was let down harder?

Ladies and gentleman,

Enjoy your dates and sexual encounters for what it was in that moment of time.
Allow yourself to progress and move forward by understanding it is okay to "want" but never to "expect".

[MrOracle]

This was an EXCELLENT read! I couldn't agree more.

As I say often, the most important thing that people need to learn about relationships is that you cannot change other people, you can only change YOURSELF. And those changes you make to yourself can include things like: WHO you choose to associate with or be in a relationship with, but also includes what this example talks about: your expectations within the relationship.

Dating should absolutely be treated like a "trial period" where you are fully prepared for things not to work out. Of course, you should invest in the effort to communicate - and not just about the music you listen to or the movies you like, but about how each of you feel about IMPORTANT LIFE ISSUES - marriage, children, lifestyles, religion, family obligations, where you want to live, etc. You don't have to do it all on the first date, but you should at least START the conversation, and keep talking about those things for the next several dates and in between.

The idea is to QUICKLY, UP-FRONT determine if you and the other person have real compatibility - and are not just basing your potential relationship on mutual attraction alone. Compatibility doesn't mean identical ideals or habits or hobbies - and that's where expectations come into play. What you are looking for are a lack of outright deal-breakers and to be able to discuss and work out less-vital differences in a way that you can both live with.

That simply won't be possible with many couples - there will be key items that neither person can compromise on - and you have to be adult enough to quickly end the relationship amicably and move on. Again, that's a normal, expected part of the dating process and NOT a failure. It's only a failure when it takes you 2 years to figure out something that you could have learned about each other in the first month, because you were too focused on the romance and mutual attraction to communicate.

[Anonuser2020]

After my ex it just has been bad dates and this is even more difficult because of the heartache I received when I ended the relationship. One guy I was excited to go out w/I had small expectations and I was disappointed. I will def be going into all dates w/no expectations.

[coachTanthony]

Being outcome independent is so important. Nice take!

[Azara]

I think expectations are good. what you describe is micromanaging which os neurotic and un unealthy. but having reasonable expectations iOS part of how you know you are being reasonable. if things dont work move on. expecting nothing is no different than having no confidence. a certain amount of entitlement is in healthy self esteem. people with no expectations let things that are not working drag on for too long bc they never establish healthy boundaries. i do agree to not do the things you mentioned, but using the term expectation is far to road in my opinion. its encompasses way too much, and a lot of things that you should respect yourself enough to do. people who expect nothing get walked on and dont organize their time well.

important thing in my opinion is to deal with disappointment. rather than trying not to care which is sort of absurd bc were here a very short time, you should care very much make an effort and when it fails move on.

convincing yourself you have not hope doesn't make it easier when things fail. instead of thinking ' i thought it would work what happened'. you'll just be trading that for ' i wasn't even expecting anything, what happened'. both are based on putting energy into the outcome instead of just knowing what were about feeling how we feel. and accepting reality. trying to feel or not feel something so you feel ok later, is pretty crazy. deal in the present prepare for the future and move on when its time.

thats my opinion, but i think people should do what they feel is best. in my opinion 'not expecting' is just like being a slave to your emotions bc you are trying not to hope. hope is a brilliant part of life. most things fall through, but without all the hope in-between life you;d feel like living death. why makes it so wonderful when it works is not that you were smart enough not too hope for anything. but you got to enjoy the potential AND the fruition. if we are somber about everything until it magically happens i think well be so on guard we won't even see it. a lot of healthy chemicals get released when we think I'm great and i really like this situation and it'd be great if it worked out. by not having hope we totally bypass feeling good --about ourselves. plus without expectation you lose perspective snd can become unsure or oblivious the you're being treated badly, or you're handling things badly or its time to move on.

life is messy feelings are messy but if we dont learn life through living, we live in fear.

[Azara]

hope is a pretty resilient thing. i think people who say they have no hope or expectations are just projecting those feelings onto something else. when you love something you're going to have hope unless you are jaded. which is not good.

i think moving through feelings with dignity is more important than pretending not to care in the first place.

expecting to marry someone you just met isn't really based on anything, do this is not what id call hope or expectation , just delusional. or expecting people to respond as if conversations are formulas, is again not realistic. but expecting that if you're honest respectful decent the other person will be honest respectful decent, is important. bc the minute they are not-- you move on. if you expect nothing, you can't really know anything is wrong.

[poopedmypantsagain]

I did like your comments on this, and I am the kind of guy that truly loves the company of a women.. I go into every date with no expectations of any kind from her, except that I want her to respect me, be honest, have a nice personalty, and just be a fun person to be with.. I will gladly give her the very same respect when those cards are on the table, never have I went on a date and before I picked her up thought to myself wonder how the sex might be.

For a guy to just jump into that mindset is something I cannot comprehend.. respect as well as any thing sexually obtained to me comes with a few things that are just common sense.. I know a lot of guys that think sex is just an automatic thing because they go out on a date.. but they are so very wrong to think that way... and those people I do not care to ever meet.. take care and have a great days.. always

[rjroy3]

Couldn't agree more. But a level deeper is that during dating people will tend to put their best self forward and do things to please their partner that builds a certain identity. And that identity is the type of person that would do XY and Z. So when the honeymoon period is over and you do something that the identity you portrayed wouldn't do there is an intense backlash. Because there was a misrepresentation.

That is very very very common and people do it on subtle, small levels. But the root problem is the same. You have to be yourself 100% and own that in the very beginning, that way the only false or unreasonable expectations a girl might have aren't based on anything you did or said.

That's all I would add : D. Good take.

[xobrowneyedbeauty]

i partially agree with this. i agree that it's good to not have expectations of the relationship for sure working out. but i think having expectations in more of the context of standards is pretty important. expecting someone to do x if you do y makes sense. for example, if i offer to do something for a guy i am dating, i expect him to offer to do the same for me. since a relationship is about give and take, those expectations are part of my standards and if it isn't met then the relationship isn't right for me. i know what i need and am looking for in a relationship so i think having those expectations, as long as i know not every man will fit them, is perfectly normal and probably healthy. if we go into everything with no expectations of the other person, how are we ever going to know what we are looking for? maybe i am looking at the concept of expectations from a different perspective than you are.

[Stacyzee]

Expecting something is feeling as if you are entitled towards it.
When you develop a OFFICIAL relationship with someone (not in the fragile dating process), it's okay to expect them to do things together. By this time, you would have had some history together, and meaningful verbal exchanges. However, in the very beginning of dating do not put all of your eggs in one basket. Do not hold expectations towards someone who has no entitlement for you.
It's perfectly okay to WANT them to do things.
But if you two are newly dating... how can you place so much high energy into someone that isn't even your significant other.
People allow themselves to be heartbroken over those, who they didn't even give their hearts too in the first place.

[xobrowneyedbeauty]

not putting all your eggs in one basket is the whole problem with dating these days. why does everyone want things to be so casual? i think it's silly. i don't like casual, either the person wants me or they don't and if they do, then they're going to put in as much energy as i do. if they don't then we aren't compatible. it's as simple as that. expecting someone to do something is the same as wanting them to do something - the only difference is, when i make it an expectation instead of just something i want, i'm not going to stay with them and stay sad because i want them to do something and they aren't doing it. instead i will leave them because i expect them to do something and they aren't doing it. i think that's important or else you just bop around with no standards and, like i said, you don't even know what you're looking for in a person.

[Stacyzee]

I really don't think you're getting the concept at all I provided although I tried to be as concrete as possible.
You're confusing this whole thing up and missing my point.

[xobrowneyedbeauty]

or maybe you're missing my point

[Stacyzee]

I understand what you mean , however you're using my points to provide an argument which in this case, the argument will be invalid if u don't at least comprehend what my view.

[Stacyzee]

**what my view is.

[Spiorad_Aisce]

I think it is nearly impossible to go into anything new without some expectations, here is where I agree with you manage your expectations and make them as fluid as possible. There are implications to having expectations too high or too low. I will have expectations but they are not the be all or end all, they won't become targets, they may be vague aspirations but if they don't happen I will look at the parallel track that life takes me on. Yes you learn from past experience or mistakes or achievements but to constantly relive them or reenact them is a dangerous route to take. No two days will ever be the same unless you are stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day". What may have worked for you in the past may not work again, no harm in having it in your armoury but don't rely solely on it.

[Stacyzee]

Let's narrow this down to only first time dating.

I agree in life we must have expectations but when it comes to establishing fairly new relationships I feel it is best to not have any at all. It's a recipe for disappointment.

[Stacyzee]

For example , I knew this woman (28) years old who slept with this man after knowing him for three months. Before the sex, he called her almost daily. After the sex, he ignored all of her calls.
I know, scumbag move on his part but had she had went into the newly casual relationship without expecting anything she wouldn't have felt such as major plunge in emotions.
When establishing something new I try my best to not be too in touch with my emotions until I am certain this person doesn't have negative intentions.

[Stacyzee]

*such a major plunge in emotions

[ObscuredBeyond]

To have no expectations, is to have no sense of purpose to life. So seeing where it takes me is meaningless. And if "no expectations" means not even of basic safety, then why would I have enough faith in her to bother with a date in the first place? If she turns out to be a psycho killer who kills others I care about, there will be heartache, even if I had no expectations of her. Heartache runs deeper than mere disappointment.

That being said, keeping one's expectations realistic provides a healthy balance. As does keeping one's apprehensions in check. The latter is hard for me, because I've run into a lot of crazies crossing lines that no normal, reasonable individual would guess would ever be crossed on any given moment.

[vishna]

I have a few questions before I truly comment because I may have read over this too fast.
1. When does the dating become less shaky?
2. What do you mean expectations? Yea, I think it's bad to expect sparkles and unicorn dust to appear on the first date, first kiss, etc. But do you mean expecting respect is also futile?
3. Wouldn't it be easier to also include being emotionally smart is the best method. Ex) I can expect respect and affection from John. If John doesn't do that in the first month of official dating, I can dump him without falling to a pit of hopelessness because I'm not a lunatic who falls in love in a month.

[SarahsSummer]

This is the second my take today I've read by you today and you are fast becoming my favorite person to read. Possibly because it's the exact same kind of advise I give my friends (girls & guys) when going on a first date. Good stuff❤️

[Stacyzee]

Aw thanks <3

[RobAtomic]

I agree... this is the most important aspect of life as we know it, other people and how we relate. It is also an enormous, complicated task to figure out what we really want and the difference between pleasure and happiness. Once you are happy without external influences then like you said the only expectations are to be respected and treated with dignity... if you believe that something or someone will fill that void and then you will be happy, expect to be disappointed...

[BrownBratzDoll]

having no expectations of how you want to be treated, and what you want out of life is an unfulfilled way to live. there is no philosophy in the world that should convince women to just settle, then you are going to be pissed off disappointed, and unfufilled, because you settled, just because you are scared of being lonely and by yourself.

[Stacyzee]

The people that understood this article very well and agreed with it, knew that what I was writing was only in pure application to newly dating someone.
Putting high expectations in someone who has no obligation to you is setting yourself up for disappointment. This is why it is smart to walk into a new encounter with a person "wanting" allow them to open themselves up to you. Expectations from a person comes from your experience as two human beings together (in time). But if I just met someone why should I expect them to be X, Y, Z? I am just getting to know them. Hence trial period.

[BrownBratzDoll]

you should always have an expectation of how you want to be treated and what you want from a person, otherwise there is no point in dating. I can hang with my friends and have dinner dates with no expectations, however that does not carry over well when you are looking for a mate, or romantic partner. your first date sets the tone for everything, so i strongly disagree with you.

[BrownBratzDoll]

opening up is different, but some people are closed off because they are playing a game, they are scared to let you get too close to them. you dont need to entertain somebody like that, if they are not going to open up after you have given them a month trial period or tons of phone conversations, it is a game, they dont want you to close, and the less information they give the more sufficient they can pull their game on you. communication is a two way street, if you can open yourself up to try and make them feel more comfortable, and they still dont open up. it is a game, and you need to ditch them. I am a shy person myself, and the more i talk to a person and be around that person i become less shy and more open, it doesn't take me a month.

[Stacyzee]

People that walk into first dates highly expecting tend to get hurt or have a harder time getting over what they thought that person may be.
Expecting nothing and purely involving myself in the experience is a mechanism that protects myself from hurt. When I have obligation to that person only then do I expect. Of course , this outlook isn't for every one. It is what works for me and one of the reasons I am strong and quickly able to look past an experience that wasn't what I "wanted" it to be .

Thanks for ur comment!

[Anonymous]

You should never have super high expectations or get too ahead of yourself but what if you start dating someone and they show a lot of interest and suggest meeting up again or that you hit them up by then flake without any explanation?

[Stacyzee]

I'd quickly move on and not dwell over the situation because I don't expect them to do anything.
Dating is a game unfortunately .
in the beginning some lead others on.
If you're ahead of the game you cannot get hurt and keep sane until you do find someone worth it , and can establish a relationship with

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah it's just been shitty but I can't even count how many first dates I've had. There's some girls i've had 1-5 dates with, but then after date 3-5 they flake without any explanation.

The issue is, I don't know what I did that I can learn from so I don't make that same mistake in the future. And it's not about being nice or entitled. It's just sometimes what we do that might be a turnoff isn't obvious to us. You know what I mean?

[Walls_and_Doors]

I disagree.

www.chatteryak.com/.../...n-is-in-the-planning.png

This man understands that it would be the direct opposite of what you're saying.

[MrOracle]

No, I just think you are talking about a different kind of expectations than the OP is talking about.

Ike would almost certainly agree with her. He understood that plans were meaningless, because he could not EXPECT the enemy to cooperate, which would be necessary for those plans to come to pass. Therefore, he created an *expectation* for his staff to plan for every possibility, and to be prepared to change direction as needed.

To circle back to the issue at hand: you can't EXPECT another person to be or act or want something specific, but you can certainly expect your partner to meet certain requirements or behaviors - it's then up to YOU to seek out and find a proper match, and to quickly move on from those who aren't a good fit.

[Walls_and_Doors]

@MrOracle I don't even know where to begin...

... So I won't.

[Stacyzee]

@MrOracle Yes, you get it! I notice some people let their minds stray from my point and spoke about expectations (In life as a whole), which is completely different than what I am speaking about.

[MimTcgraw]

One of the best My Takes I've read so far! Keep it up!
I have never had expectations on any date. It's actually totally ridiculous for any one person to have expectations on any other. You should only expect things from yourself!

[oddwaffle]

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst? That one works.

If you don't hope then you will come off as cold. That will turn off a lot of guys.

[Stacyzee]

Although we are using different words, "want" and "hoping" are two views that won't set you up for major disappointment.
"Expecting" is what will because all of your energy is placed in an outcome you feel is 100% certain.

[Stacyzee]

We can hope for something while maintaining the understanding that there is a possibility things will not work out.

"Expecting" is almost like feeling entitled.

[serious]

I don't really agree with this take, some of your points do make sense though.

[Stacyzee]

That's okay if you don't.
It's a view that has worked for me towards newly dating and not getting hurt in the very beginning. Those that don't have that perspective tend to dwell over things or get hurt rather easily.
Thanks for reading !

[legalboxers]

there's always an expectation on the 1st date. Its a make or break. How you project yourself, if you have a shit day.. I hat1 1st dates!

[Stacyzee]

I never walk into any thing with an expectation because nothing is guaranteed.
I just go with the flow.

[legalboxers]

I go into everything skeptical.

[Anonymous]

As a guy with a small penis, I can't have any expectations whatsoever. I would consider myself lucky if she didn't run screaming, laugh at me, or tell everyone in my social circle.

[joeb73]

you are spot on with this !

[arashmenalagha]

Hey, where do you find these pictures Stacy?

[Stacyzee]

Which one do u particularly like?

[arashmenalagha]

I didn't think about that, I was just curious?

[Stacyzee]

I google pretty much all of my photos.