What is important to obtain a healthy , stable and long lasting relationship?
After all, looks fade with all of us in time and then all we have left is personality and character.
Hey, I'm not trying to offend the differently young folks, I absolutely find them stunning and their wrinkles are just part of their beauty !!!
Disclaimer: I'm sure not all of you agree, but I'm stuck in the middle (l bet you noticed I'm always stuck between two Ideas but I like this part of me because I tend to observe and accept both parts) ... There is always a right in the wrong right? (YingYang)
PRO LOOKS - it all starts with looks .. if it doesn't please the eye what's the point...then I think personality and character add the cement to the physical attraction ... both for male & female.In this case SOME (not all) relationships fail right at the beginning, because they fall in love with their appearance but eventually they find out that their personality actually sucks, or they're just not on the same page.
On the other hand, SOME might actually hit the jackpot and find an amazing partner that is good looking inside and out.
PRO - PERSONALITY
There are people who consider Personality and Character being the most important.
Not judging a book by it's cover.
Overall I really like the inner beauty of people, it makes them shine even more on the outside, especially after you find out that they are not just Beautiful on the outside, but also on the inside, which makes the person even MORE attractive Quote : My Boyfriend (lol)
Well, my Man is guilty of falling in love with my looks, but his theory was :
LET'S TRY TO HIT HE JACKPOT ... Got nothing to loose ...
and according to him he got lucky because he loved my personality ... but I was a little offended, because it felt like MY LOOKS where really the reason why he HIT ME UP, but again his theory was :
It was destiny ...
AND i was ready to kick his "way the cookie crumbles" ass back to realty ...
BUT THEN ... something hit me ...
I actually loved his looks too, (sh*t) and at that moment when he approached me for the first time I thought, OK let's give it a try, he's cute, if he is full of himself I will just reject him slowly ...
And after thinking about this a lot, i came up with this theory: Looks will initially grab my attention. Personality will invite me to learn more about them. Character will keep me coming back to be a part of their life and stay ...
Judge me all you want but I really liked the way he looked and HEY at least I'm being honest... this does not mean that I care too much about looks but it just grabbed my attention, this does not mean that I would not give somebody else who is less attractive a chance, I was never in seek of perfection, I just wanted to be treated good ... I love a man who is intelligent, who can make me laugh .. if that meets my criteria then looking handsome is just irrelevant.
In general it's more about health, hygiene and body language (like the way he presents himself) than his specific looks. It pretty much looks like I'm contradicting with myself but like I said, I'm somehow stuck in the middle of these two factors ...
Let's agree on one thing though:
The most compatible person for you may not always be the best looking one. However the opposite can be true as well. No person is perfect and not everyone is going to have everything that you desire, so some sacrifices need to be made in the name of love, and in order to be happy.
Have a wonderful day
Natured <3
Looks Vs. Character -Is There A Right Decision? & My Personal Story -
I CARE about the LOOKS and there is NOTHING wrong about that. Why should I be ashamed? Why does it even matter? How on earth would I SEE your personality BEFORE spending time with you? Now, how would I select a partner? On what basis would I find a better girl in this horde?
So, looks are a great filter. Looks will at least make me feel attrated towards her (obviously?) And it will motivate me to TRY... harder and HARDER.
Looks fade? Oh yeah? Listen, PEOPLE CHANGE! Nothing is permanent.
I'll approach you for your looks. But I'll stay for your character and settle down for your personality. You gotta have it all, otherwise there are billions of girls out there.
Looks absolutely matter. No one wants to date someone they aren't attracted to. I WANT my partner to be physically attracted to me just like I want to be with someone who I find physically attractive. There's nothing wrong with that.
That doesn't mean looks are the most important thing though, obviously personality and attitude are what makes a relationship last long-term. However, physical appearance is what initially attracts us to other people. So in reality, both looks and personality play an important role in building a successful relationship.
When I develop a strong attraction for a girl, it is typically this sensory image I form of her in my mind. It covers outward qualities like her demeanor, her smile, laugh, the sound of her voice, how she carries herself, her body language, physical habits, etc.
Even her face and shape of her body conveys some information to me that goes beyond image. Form follows function and vice versa.
A lot of it is a bit shallow, but it's deeper than just the surface qualities of her she'd look in an expressionless mugshot. All of this is still summing up to form an image of a "character", and that character is who I'm attracted towards.
Deeper qualities that cover the innermost aspect of her personality usually take a long time of getting to know her in a most intimate context to deduce. Those aspects are also always at least somewhat elusive, since I'll never be able to read the girl's mind.
Those qualities are important since they help establish how compatible we are as long-term partners, but my attraction is admittedly formed from something more shallow. I don't need to date a girl and get to know her intimately for years to develop an attraction. My attraction is based on more shallow qualities, and I can become attracted to a girl rather quickly (though my strongest attractions usually require me to see her and talk to her multiple times at least in a friendly context).
When I start falling for a girl, I built this symbolic image in my mind of her character. I did that for my wife, and while she has aged a bit over the course of almost 9 years of being together, it's the symbolic image I fell in love with. That image still belongs to her, even if her looks have changed slightly over the time. It's what keeps me attracted to her, and hopefully her to me, even as we change over the years. Still, it was fundamental that we were both initially very attracted to each other, for whatever reasons, to first develop that symbolic image and dream of being together.
>> All of this is still summing up to form an image of a "character", and that character is who I'm attracted towards.
"Character" is a keyword to me. I tend to develop a stronger attraction towards actresses in Hollywood films, for example, than models who just pose for a camera. It's because those actresses are conveying a "character".
They're giving me far more information, even if that character isn't real and just a role they've adopted. It still forms a much more striking image in the mind to attract than just a figure posing in a photoshoot.
I fall for "characters" in this sense. I fell for the character of my wife. It's not a complete image or one that can grasp the innermost aspects of her personality. That will forever elude me given that I can never read her mind, and given that her behaviors still surprise me from time to time. Yet it's this image of her "character" that I came to love given all the information I've gathered about her so far.
@ak666, I swear you are are a genius :) I get why you think that's shallow and to some extent I feel the same way and admit that I'm a little shallow. But I don't think that's really true, because like you said it's more about the mannerisms and expressions and other things that are more than just part of a physical body, they are manifestations of the person's internal character like you are saying. People present themselves in different ways, and that can convey a lot about them. Plus, even though the body and mind are separate in a way, they are also interdependent and strongly connected... it's all a whole.
@frozenhorizon Cheers! :-) I have a strange angle to thinking about things. It's somewhat hit or miss in terms of whether others can relate to it. Glad that one somewhat clicked with you.
You're going to offend a lot of unattractive gaggers lol. Looks are absolutely important. The thing is, looks sort of get you in the door but nothing past that. I can at least say that for me. I've hooked up really attractive women in whom I've never even consider a relationship with. Some of the best looking girls are the ones who are the most insecure and annoying in my experience
My girlfriend is a knockout.. extremely attractive. That being said, she has a lot more going for her than just her looks. Relationships are much different than just a hookup because they require emotional stimulation. A girl who only has her looks is going to get old after two days. Attraction is much different in a relationship.. if you are a 5/10 in my books then you have the ability to turn yourself into a 10/10 through time. Swagger, intelligence, wit, humor, and the whole package goes a long way. I rather date a physical 5/10 who has all of those things rather than the 9/10 who has is insecure and has no personality outside of her looks. That being said, when I was single I could be extremely shallow because one... I had the ability to.. and two... I was just looking for sex. Relationships are WAY different as I was saying though.
I grew up in pretty wealthy area and these knockout type girls that were insecure were pretty damn common. People synonymous correlate looks with confidence and that's far from the case in my opinion.
Like you I guess I just got lucky with my girlfriend. She fits the whole package...
Can you tell me how these attractive girls showed insecurity? How were they annoying? What turned you off about them? What do you mean by emotional stimulation?
@WBOTB Very attractive girls have an image to maintain. Everyone looks up to them at younger ages because attraction is admirable and highly praised. Everyone likes them because they are attractive. They could still have a shit personality, but the fact that they are attractive still makes them popular. This means that all of their value is placed in their looks. This in return means that they have that image to uphold that I was telling you about. They obsess with their looks and think that's all they have to offer.
Confidence is acquired from just looks along. Confidence is acquired through overcoming hardship and proving yourself in your own abilities. Confidence that is solely derived from physical appearance. If you look bad that day, then you will have no confidence. If someone tells you that you're ugly, then you have no confidence. It's inflatable.
@WBOTB This is mostly at younger ages. Adult women who are attractive like the OP are usually more confident unless they haven't developed any personality or life skills subsiding outside of their looks. I said this because most of this website is geared towards the 18-24 group. My experience with very attractive women has all been with younger as well.
My cousin for example is a model. She is high up there. She literally get's rich off her looks. She's confident but she wasn't always like that. She is around the OP's age. Like I said, women who are actually adults and more attractive are usually more confident to the average/below average women.
@WBOTB No I like initiating. That's a preference of mine though. By no means would it be a turn off if she initiated. Wit is wit. Irrelevant from initiating in my opinion.
Ok because I've been seeing this guy and I enjoy when a guy initiates conversation, but he always talks about work stuff. He's in construction.. I listen attentively, but I know nothing about what he's saying so it's really difficult for me to have much of a response. I like to talk about movies we saw because you can really get to know a persons from their opinions. Politics, music and stuff I talk about with my girl and guy friends. I'm wondering why these conversations don't flow smoothly with him.
@WBOTB I don't see a typical construction worker sharing your same interest in politics and music tbh ahahah. I mean.. if the vibe is there.. then the vibe is there. You can't really force it. Whenever I had trouble sort of approaching a girl or was ever in a position in which I sensed the vibes off, I did this.. I looked at the situation from a very selfish perspective. I went in with the mindset of "Can this girl entertain me?" This would force me be 100% genuine. When you're genuine then people typically feel more open and comfortable with you. Fabrication or putting on some persona will always drive people away. If I had something I disagreed with then I'd tell her up front. That way I'm not really building unnecessary pressure on myself to act a certain way. Even if I was sort of a dick she would sense that I was genuine which made her more open to talk to me.
Being genuine is an inviting vibe. The moment you are start thinking about what you are saying too much is when you push them away.
People naturally showcase their best selves in social situations. So that means that we are all putting on a persona to some type of minimal degree by default. This is also to be synonymous recognized as being reserved. If you have the ability to eliminate that natural "showing your best self" when the situation calls for it, then you'll easily have ability to control where the conversation is going and ease up tension. (cont.)
What you should realize is that people love to talk about themselves. The most important person to an individual in almost all social settings is themselves. It's all about their ego. If you get someone to talk about themselves then it's stroking their ego. It raises their sense of importance.
No if you go about this in an in fake type of way, then it will have the opposing effect. You have to be genuinely interesting in what they are saying. So in your scenario, the best option would be to ask him what that stuff means. Tell him you don't understand. This goes goes hand in hand with the concept that I just explained to you about "being selfish in the sense if he can entertain you" and "shutting off that natural thing that people do of showcasing their best selves". Who cares if you look stupid asking that question? Your mindset should be is he intelligent enough to explain this to me in a way that makes sense. Is he entertaining me?
I have a really large social circle because I do these things. I have a couple people who I actually call friends but I have a huge network for a reason. These things actually work. People care about themselves more than anyone else in social situations.. If you have the ability to be genuinely interested in other peoples lives then they will automatically like you and reciprocate in the way that you want them too. It's not manipulation, it just grants you the ability to influence. Too many people try to come off by attempting to make themselves sound really interesting to others. Those people never have good social and professional relationships. You have to be interested in the other person.
its not that I just don't understand, it that I don't find a natural interest in these things when he talks about it for more than 3 minutes. I do like to hear About the details of his trade, but in small doses or I get lost. The last thing I want to do is be rude and try to change the subject. I do ask some questions and I try to maintain interest because I really like him, but I can only hear so much about wires and pipes. I wouldn't expect him to be interested in girly stuff like makeup and shopping so I like to stick to neutral things. I don't want to come across as fake.
Well done again. My most favorite part would be the ending paragraph. Nicely stated.
If i want to explain my view i would start with saying personality means everything to me. The fact remains that most likely physical attractiveness is the first hint of catching up with someone. First we look then approach then conversation occurs. But an ugly personality destroys any insider beauty. In quote of the comedian Russell Peters: My ex wife is a beautiful woman, on the outside, She's like a Ferrari with no engine. OMG is that a Ferrari? It doesn't work. It doesn't work.
In my opinion there is no "Ideal" measurement of attractiveness. Unfortunately some people fail to understand that. What you find attractive and beautiful might not be beautiful in my eyes. And what i find attractive and beautiful might not be beautiful to your eyes. Beauty and attractiveness has no certain league. Because everyone are beautiful in their own skin and have a unique style on their own. Nobody is prefect nor complete. We find perfection with our own eyes. This fact get defined by our own feelings not a stable reality accepted by everyone like a differences between night and day.
Personally, i have a very uncommon belief. As a man. I don't have any measurement to declare what i find attractive and beautiful in women. I see everyone beautiful. It's just the way my eyes see it. So looks are completely out of the analyze for me. The only differences is i fell in love and my girl is the prettiest woman in the world regardless of what others think or say.
Personality is the most important factor to me because i interact with people and furthermore i fall in love with someone for who they are as a person not what kind of shape, size and what body type they have.
The major problem I have with this eternal debate "looks vs personnality" is that I understand what is "look", basicaly it is being beautifull and/or having charm.
However, I still wait for the definition of "personnality", I mean what is exactly "personnality" cause last time I check everybody got one and contrary to "look" where you have "beautifull vs ugly", you don't have "bad personnality vs good personnality".
I am not pro look and it does not really matter to me but for me the term of the debate are not well define.
Personnality is a lot lot lot more subjective than beauty, since overall, people will find the same thing beautifull/average.
I mean if I quote your take "the inner beauty of people", well how do you define this. For me it is an empty concept.
Don't get me wrong, I don't say your my take is bad, it is well written and I read it all. It is just that for me the "personnality" is an empty concept, it is more a question of would people will give more emphasis on the beauty of someone or the fact that they go along with someone like share the same humor, interests and so on.
Indeed, more or less "looks/beauty" tends to be a bit objective while "personnality" is undefined and vary a lot from one to another at least a lot more than look imho.
Well to me personality is more important BUT looks can be a plus. When I met my now fiance over seven years ago , I admit I wasn't attracted at him at first but I approached him at a Walmart (I don't mind starting conversations with random people if they seem nice)... we were both looking at meat and I just asked him at that time what he was going to have for dinner. we talked for a long time and I enjoyed talking to him. we exchanged numbers kept in contact built a friendship and eventually dated. i find how his personality is more attractive and while yes his looks are attractive for right now... like you said... his looks and mine will fade eventually... But. if he still has the same loving personality and character like he has since I've known him... that's all that will always matter to me. I love him.
Of course, character is what matters most, but there has to be SOME kind of physical attraction there. Otherwise, you're not being fair to them either. I mean... who wants to be with someone who doesn't find them attractive. If there's no attraction at all, you can still love them as another human being, right? If they're attractive enough to "get your engine going", that's good enough. Anything more is icing on the cake.
After marriage is a different story. If you marry, it's until death do you part. If they are in a disfiguring accident, well, you owe it to them to be faithful. If you grow old together, the bond gets stronger with age (or at least it SHOULD). People of good character are a lot less likely to let themselves go, so that works to your advantage, too. I think my wife is still good looking, basically the same weight as when we married and with the same pleasant disposition.
A little bit good looks , a nice personality and a strong character is all that is needed to think that your partner is wonderful. It's not about having the perfect relationship. It's about finding someone who matches you and will go through everything without giving up. Go for a person who values you. Don't be impressed by money , titles , degrees , looks but be impressed by generosity ,, integrity , humility , kindness and love for spirituality. Ultimately , love is not just about finding a good partner but also being a good one himself/herself.
Yeah you are right about that, its "looks" first which attracts people and makes you wanna know about person's personality. I dont believe such thing like "Oh I dont care about looks I just care about personality" lol its a big lie to encourage bad looking people. I dont believe there are bad looking people tho, I believe everyone can be beautiful and handsome if they pay attention more on how they look. Humans just dont know what they are capable of and they are yelling to their lives.
Well like I said people who say looks dont matter are lying, everyone wants to have someone who is beautiful/handsome and it will be their personality which will keep the person interested in you.
I enjoyed reading your My Take. For me, looks are important. That's the attraction part, but for me to be happy with him, he needs to have good character and a great personality. I hate selfish men and I'll never settle for that just to have someone good looking. I am very visual though and I need him to be aesthetically pleasing to me. He doesn't have to look perfect, just masculine and attractive.
Really good MyTake. :) It's really weird, but I've never dated someone who struck me as "wow, hot" Nor do I regularly do that... so, looks have never been a big part of the picture. So, you have found difficulties when finding eye candy but little substance?
Haha you're not stuck in between, you simply have both: looks and personality :D Your guy hit the jackpot! But, to summarize my opinion, I'm totally into personality. Nice looks is fine but a want a sweetie on my side :D <3
It really depends on the person.. If you want somebody that is pretty desirable to your eye, I mean if you gotta look at that person regularly you must as well like how they look.. You could have that.. But it shouldn't be the only or even main thing you look for.. Personality and character are always before looks.. A perosn can initially look slightly attractive to you, but then they become really attractive to you when they saw their personality.. Good take! :)
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
I was in a long term relationship with a woman who had beautiful personality. She was good looking too, but for some reason I couldn't put my finger on she wasn't good looking to me. I told myself to look deeper and push through the lack of physical urge. This went on for almost a year.
Initially this turned her on because I was a "challenge". We had a role reversal with sex. However she later got depressed/hurt thinking she wasn't attractive. She ultimately dumped and wanted ZERO contact afterwards. I guess the friend zone is equally distasteful to women too.
Yeah looks are pretty important for the initial phase of any relationship but that should not sound depressing or shallow as different people find different folks attractive.. so a person who is attractive in your eyes might be unattractive to me and vice versa.
I too am guilty of this , but doesn't mean he has to look like Chris hems worth. I do start off getting attracted to the physical features but then he would be egotistical and I would get turned off. I am yet to meet the one who is blessed with both. However, beauty comes in all falls so if he isn't but he has heart then am good with that too.
Looks are like a cover or wrapping what inside feels more likely to last and make me enjoy that person or things. This is all about right now if looks last or not is still poinless since I will be living with the character of the person. This reminds me of someone with great looks and bad character which hardly I would understand.
Great Take... I really agree that character is the glue. This is very well said. For sure, attraction is important, but if you don't have a nice mix of the looks, personality and character, the chances are high that things won't work out.
Good looking men, White men that is, are not for women anymore. Keep settling down with ugly black and brown men. They're the only kind of "men" who still approach and hit on women. That's what women get and have to take. It's what they deserve, honestly. White men are done with it.
This has nothing to do with race, and I have no Idea where all of this came from and.. woah your comment is completely OUT of topic in general... just.. don't be this way
I'm a guy and in all honestly I like personality waaaaay better. If a girl tries super hard to look good and has a bad personality then she immediately became ugly in my eyes. I also hate seeing so much makeup you look like the joker. I like natural beauty, It also shows she's not trying too hard or is materialistic.
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