If You're Constantly Being Rejected, Maybe You Need to Lower Your Standards

Here's a harsh dose of reality:

People are superficial.

Let's get this one out of the way.

Men, women, children, potted plants. We're all fucking superficial. We care about how our partners look, because unless we're asexual, physical attraction matters.

So if you're constantly hitting on people that are objectively very attractive, or incredibly intelligent, or what have you, maybe you should lower your standards for your own good. Here's the thing: people usually date within their own range of attractiveness. Superbly attractive people stick together, while more average looking people tend to pair up. This occurs with people in terms of matching up with a partner on a similar intelligence level, interest, lifestyle, etc.

If You're Constantly Being Rejected, Maybe You Need to Lower Your Standards

Interestingly enough, no one argues that you should try to make it work if you have nothing in common with the person you're trying to date or if there is a severe disparity in your respective intelligence levels. You simply accept the incompatibility and move on.

This really shouldn't be any different with appearances. As harsh as it is, the majority of those extremely attractive people you are salivating over won't give you a second of their time. People that attractive whether subconsciously or consciously want to date people of their own caliber; thus, people they themselves are physically attracted to. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I think it's time that we take a hard, objective analysis of what we have to offer in the general dating pool instead of demonizing those who present themselves at the upper percentage of the population in terms of looks. The main issue I take note in is that our appearances are an extremely sensitive topic and difficult to measure in any objective term.

However, I do want to conclude this with a straight-forward summary: people are shallow and want to date people they are attracted to - oftentimes this equates to people in their own "league" so to speak. Because of this, if you're someone who isn't particularly attractive by conventional standards, it makes no sense to expect that people who are attractive will flock to you.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Physical attraction matters. But it is not the only thing that matters. Rejecting people because you are not attracted to them does not mean that you are superficial. It means that you are being honest. We don't control what turns us on but if a girl does not appeal top me physically, it would be dishonest to pretend otherwise and waste her time. Would you want to date someone who was only pretending to be attracted to you?

    However, people can be attracted to others who do not meet commonly accepted standards of beauty. Do you think every 60 year old guy has fallen our of love with his wife because she doesn't look like a young beauty pageant contestant?

    Sometimes, when you consistently get rejected by members of the opposite sex, it because of something that you are doing or not doing and not just your appearance. And sometimes, women are attracted to unattractive men because of characteristics not related to appearance.

    lh6.googleusercontent.com/.../...--lyle-lovett.jpg

    So, I think you have over-generalized on this subject. Have you ever dated a guy who you thought was more attractive than you? Have you ever dated a guy who you thought was less attractive than you?

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    • Honestly I started writing but this basically covers what I was gonna say ^^

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    • from this pic i think the guy is cute and loveable. i'd like to know him. and dicaprio. for entirely different reasons.

    • "However, people can be attracted to others who do not meet commonly accepted standards of beauty."

      This is what I wanted to say as well. Exellent comment.

Most Helpful Girl

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What Guys Said 61

  • I like your piece except it falsely assumes the basis of mate selection and attraction is "like attracts like".

    Social Homogamy (SH) theory, which is the basis of your piece, holds that people are attracted to people who are physically (appearance, ethnicity), socially (age, income, religion), and psychologically (values, beliefs) like them.

    However, the SH theory has been challenged for being an incomplete and inconclusive theory of mate selection. Sociologists and anthropologists have longed advanced other theories of mate selection and attraction.

    Just to mention a few:

    ## Social exchange theory
    The SE theory, sometimes called "opposites attract", says people are attracted to or date people with resources, qualities, or traits they do not possess. For example, a beautiful woman of a low economic status who is attracted to a financially stable man with average looks. An introvert who is attracted to or dating an extrovert. Or an 18-year-old male student who is attracted to or dating a decorated female maestro aged 50.

    ## Propinquity theory
    People are attracted to people whom they find geographically and socially accessible. You don't need to be the coolest guy or girl but the friend of the coolest guy or girl for people to be attracted to you.

    You only need to be a member of a fun social circle for people to find you attractive. You only need to be the guy or girl next door for the person next door to fall in love with you. You only need to be a friend of Joe who is also a friend of Melinda for her to find you attractive.

    ## Availability theory
    People are attracted to people who are physically and emotionally (P/E) available. That is, the "available is the preferable". The attraction process begins with the question, who loves me or who is available. The individual then reciprocates the love or the P/E attraction.

    This theory is well documented in the behaviours of mate selection among LGBTs (lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transsexuals). The theory has also been found to be true among some heterosexuals and casual daters.

    The theory has been used to explained dating and marriage patterns in some communities in Africa, Asia, Middle East, Eastern Europe, and Latin America.

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  • Well, if you constantly get rejected but give zero fucks then no, you should never lower your standards.

    If you're a softer soul and tend to vent and complain every time you get rejected, sure - then you might want to think about lowering that bar to jump.

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  • I guess I mostly disagree. Because I look like a big old beat up grizzly bear next to my current lady.

    People are much too different to classify so narrowly. I think a lot of guys get frustrated because it is us who have to do the hunting most of the time. I have no idea why my current lady is physically attracted to me. But she says I am handsome. So that has to be enough.

    I think problems arise from the following;

    I think many of the men who claim they are nice guys just looking for a good woman are not being honest. They don't want a nice woman, they want a trophy.

    I think some guys may just be using manipulation to get sex. These guys simply want bragging rights.

    But the biggest issue I see is guys approaching women who are simply not the nicest people. If you honestly want a nice relationship, try dating someone who is nice. Just because a woman isn't dressing sexy does not mean, she isn't sexy. I know guys who go after women who wear short skirts and who like to flirt a lot. Maybe that type of woman isn't the type you should go after. Just flirt back and move on.

    Lastly, there are many, many guys who are just plain ugly. And they get beautiful women. But that's because they simply know how to play the dating game. So if you want to be one of those guys, do what it takes to learn how to play the game.

    You might think you are in a different league when it comes to men. I have to congratulate you on having that level of self-esteem/confidence. But the reason why guys are hitting on you are varied. And just because you are not attracted to them, does not mean they should stop searching for a woman whom they are physically attracted to.

    I have a photo on my phone of my lady. It is my home picture. Every single time a person sees her photo, they are absolutely stunned.

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  • Lol, good take. But not, absolutely
    true.

    I know plenty of hot girls that work minimum wage or low paying jobs, that turn down good looking guys in their income and social range and chase after less attractive guys in a higher income and social group. Quite a few of them have nothing going for them, besides their looks to offer in a relationship.

    I have family and friends in blue collar and white collar profession, so I socialize with low and high. I see a lot of guys from different income ranges get rejected, not because of their looks, but because of their income or social standing.

    As one female once told me, there is no such things as a ugly rich guy. Money makes even an ugly guy, attractive.

    As for myself I work a blue collar job, and I have mostly dated white collar professional women. So that lower your standards stay in your own league message you are preaching, not taking you seriously.

    I tell guys this all the time, someone is out of your league only of you think they are. If you are constantly being rejected, keep taking chances. Because the harder the fight, the sweeter the victory.

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  • Damn potted plants, always so superficial. xD

    I agree, especially for guys who sit at home complaining about not getting girls even though there are plenty of them, they just don't happen to have beach bodies.

    It's easier to blame others than to look in the mirror and make changes.

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    • My jade plant, which I wait on hand and foot, is always asking when my prettier friends are coming by. shallow a-holes, potted plants, the lot of them.

    • @spnsfi

      What is a beach body?

    • @burlen It was a figure of speech, meaning a guy's subjective ideal body type. For me, it's a girl who looks good in a bikini.

  • Oh how I long to see an end to using the word "shallow" as it pertains to physical attraction. Why we use this word, so loaded with negative connotation, to physical attraction just puzzles me.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with finding people attractive or ugly. Nothing at all. Is it unfair? Yes, absolutely. It is part of the human condition though. I sympathize for the unattractive, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with people finding a person physically unattractive (and I grew up around physically deformed people... I've seen first hand the pain they go through).

    Now, that being said, naturallywonderful, you seem to confuse the words expectations, standards, and desires. Frankly, no unattractive person I know *expects* physically attractive people to fall in love with them. But they *DESIRE* physically attractive people the same as the rest of us. Ugly people *DO NOT* find other ugly people any more attractive than you or I find them. It's that simple. Nor should they be expected to find them attractive (the same forces of evolution are at play with all people, attractive, unattractive, and everyone in between). It's that simple. Telling an ugly person to get with another person s/he doesn't find attractive doesn't make any more sense than telling an attractive person to get with another person s/he doesn't find attractive.

    I'm with you completely about not demonizing people for finding people attractive. However, I disagree with you profoundly when you say the solution is that unattractive people should just lower their standards and get with people they will never find attractive. That just isn't going to work.

    As I see it, the unattractive have two choices. They can improve the way they look, or they can be alone. The fortunate thing is that most people *can* improve their appearance. For most people who keep getting rejected, I would say it's time to take a serious look at *yourself* and ways you can become more attractive to people. For those of you who can't improve your appearance, I would say I am deeply sorry because your choices are limited to dating someone you probably aren't attracted to, or not dating someone at all. I recommend the latter, although I know it's two very shitty choices.

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  • Lower standards?
    Or, follow me, you can raise your own worth to meet those standards!!

    If they are beautiful, become as beautiful (if not physically, then personality wise)
    If they are intelligent, get smarter.

    Why lower standards when you can increase your own worth to meet those standards?

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    • This guy gets it!

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    • What to do if everyone says that you have an amazing personality, even sometimes call you cute but still never approach you? Where's the problem then? I still think it's the looks.

    • @Jemini_Crocket Maybe it's the makeup.
      I know girls who have upped their sexy level with makeover. try that.

  • I knew a guy at work that had this big-time fantasy about getting together with an attractive female co-worker. She was a nice person, and I was friends with her, but that was it. One day, he gave her a huge bouquet of flowers, and asked her out on a date. She was flattered, but turned him down. You see, she was nice, stylish, and positive, but he was a drip that lived with his brother, his clothes were all wrinkled, he didn't eat right or exercise, and watched TV all day. He really didn't talk to her much, and they had absolutely nothing in common.

    I would have had a better chance with her, but I was married. We were comfortable around each other, because I wasn't hitting on her, which she knew. This guy got so discouraged, that he refused to speak to her after that (Bad move, I thought, because a guy should always try to cultivate friendships with women).

    If he had cleaned himself up and gotten more focus on his life, who knows, maybe he would have had a chance with her, otherwise, he'd have to set his sights lower.

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  • It all depends on why you are being rejected. What I keep running into with relationships that become serious is... it gets to a certain point, and then the fact that I am an atheist is a problem. I realize I live in the bible belt, but seriously, I was raised in a strict religion and forced to adhere to beliefs I found absurd as a child. I'm not a child anymore, and I don't have to do that anymore.

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  • No, never lower your standards. Then instead of being miserable alone, you'll make two people even MORE miserable. Imagine spending every day trapped in a burning train wreck.

    What is this "lower your standards" nonsense? You understand the problem, but your solution is absurd. Consult Charles Darwin for a better solution.

    guardianlv.com/.../...-Evolving-e1392224825766.jpg

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    • Asking people to adapt, ha ha ha you my friend are HIGHlarious

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    • @NoFcks2Give It looks like the only advantage to doing The Numbers Game is that you'll have sex with, reject, and be rejected by some dogs, whereas if you just set your standards at, say, 8, you'll have sex less frequently, but you will also be hurt less, hurt others less, and when that 8 comes along, you'll be available.

      Does that sound right? What am I missing?

    • I think the caliber of a woman only truly matters if you are looking for a relationship. If your looking to chill, than I can't imagine you'll pass up a 7, because she's not an 8. If your intention are ephemeral. To me, I've seen plenty of women who aren't stunning, yet still have sexy features here and there. I guess it all depends on your personal intentions for her.

  • There's always the option of just quit altogether. Don't pursue anybody, don't chase anybody, don't ask anybody out or otherwise. Absolute guarantee for no more rejections, at least not for those kind of rejections. it does make me wonder though, this lower your standards thing, can that ever work for someone looking for work or job positions, would they settle for lower standards just for a job?

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  • I have to disagree. You should pursue whoever you want and never lower your standards. Ya it may be difficult but it's not impossible to be with someone who is more attractive than you. And there are things you can improve on and fix. And being attracted to someone does not make it superficial by the way.

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  • If you are rejected from time to time by people you like to date , you don't need to reduce your standards , but you need to upgrade your standard by learning the game of how to date and mate. Guys who can do it can charm quite a lot of good looking girls to bed. If they can fine tune and perfect their art of dating , they can be capable of dating the girls with the highest standards.

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  • I think what's being communicated here is that very average looking guys are obsessed with very beautiful girls and don't seem to realize their own lack of physical attractiveness. Not a bad point i guess

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  • Or you could try raising your standards.

    blacksportsonline.com/.../ric-flair-woo-gif.gif

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  • lol these people are not going to listen. they dont seem to want to look at the whole truth. eventually they will lower their standards if it's too unrealistic for them.

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  • I could lower my standards, but its just not mah style brah.

    images-cdn.9gag.com/photo/aDGg0vK_700b_v1.jpg

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  • I've my standards and won't lower them. I would rather be single than being with a partner I'm not attracted to at all. Being single isn't that bad.

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  • Really depends on what your standards are.

    If you're working as a nanny or working as a retail clerk and you expect someone who has their act together... hahaha.

    Of course, if you're expecting a girl who isn't obeset, you're not asking for much, are ya?

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    • It depends on where you live. In america where there is a high percentage of overweight/obese people asking for a thin person may be too much. Supply and demand.

    • It's all relative. If you're someone who is an overweight or obese, then it's not a big deal if you just want someone who isn't obese. The problem is is if you're at the kind of person who sits all day on the couch eating potato chips, don't expect someone who is incredibly fit to want to go out with you

    • I dated a girl last year that was fat. (I run/work out/lift weights, so I'm not fat) At the beginning she was talking about how much she hated her body and was making a point of eating right, etc. So I thought "eh, let it go, give her a chance." And then she wanted things to be serious, but she hated when I would try to encourage her to exercise and work out.

  • i want to be 15 again wherein i was ugly as fuck but i didn't care about it. I hate being average now and worrying about it all day.

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  • Rather than lower my standards and settle for less than I want I simply just stay single, jack off to porn, rent the occasional escort (if you have $200-300 they will give you an hour or 2 without caring what you look like), and quit asking. You never get rejected if you never ask. Ugly people settling for less and fucking other ugly people just makes more ugly people (genetics says so, 2 uglies making a hottie is exceedingly rare), so that doesn't solve the problem. Tried lowering my standards/settling for those not even good enough for the Jerry Springer Show back in my 20's. By 30 I was sick of that, too much drama and lousy sex because I wasn't even attracted to them and even just my dick barely was. I'm better off just staying single (12 years and counting) than settling.

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  • Only someone who is retarded would think that attractive people would flock to an ugly bloke.

    I think for a lot of men, this weighs a lot. Men are pretty superficial, attraction genuinely matters a lot, or so we think. I think perceived attraction is not just physical attraction

    When I was looking at a movie back in high school, the guys were kind of appalled by this one girl. She was acting a character who was sexually confident. Another actress in the same film was not. Guys flocked to the sexually confident character, but when assessing both picture to picture, the actress with a more "shy" personality was more attractive.

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  • Things to bear in mind...

    If you're a man, you can do a lot better with women by learning to be confident and assertive and charming.

    If you're a woman, you can do a lot better with men by being kind, caring and non-slutty and by learning how to cook and to clean.

    If a man and a woman appear equally attractive, then the man is actually better-looking, because the woman is wearing make-up.

    While almost all women would prefer a man who is somewhat physically attractive, the truth is that the woman wants to be the better-looking one in the relationship. A woman feels proud when men think, "Wow, how did he get a girl like that?" A woman feels insecure when women think, "Wow, how did she get a guy like that?"

    Men and women have different standards and preferences. Be suspicious of any gender-neutral advice, such as that given in this article.

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  • I'll wait all eternity for my Brad Pitt to come along...

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  • What if you don't know your attractiveness level? I find its also a lot of your talking skills. Like me, my social skills arnt that great. Any way's, I've personally try different types of women.

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  • www.court-records.net/.../miles-shrug(d).gif

    The problem is that attractive people are attractive to attractive people and unattractive people are attracted to attractive people. Another problem is that you reach a threshold when you can no longer look attractive to virtually anyone. When you reach that point, would you say that those people should lower their standards to unattractive people? It doesn't make sense people who pick as mates essentially believes that they deserve. Hence, entitlement. There's nothing we can do but be realistic.

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  • The only problem I have is that I'm too sexy. It scares women.

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  • I don't really care about physical attraction... as long as she's HOT! :)

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  • Preach. This applies to people with terrible personalities as well

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  • I will never lower my standard to have a female friend or female partner.

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What Girls Said 22

  • "If You're Constantly Being Rejected, Maybe You Need to Lower Your Standards" Worse advice to ever give somebody. It doesn't matter how many dates you get because of looks. Not everybody is shallow. If you can't find that one perspective partner who wants you for you, your screwed. Looks are only as important IF you have valid reasons for it such as wanting to get married and have sex with your spouse. I didn't reject guys because of looks and never have I been rejected because of my looks. I got rejected for the same reasons I rejected them:

    1. Different Beliefs, values, views, etc
    2. Not compatible
    3. Mentality
    4. Conflicting personalities
    5. Character traits

    Looks are about genetics. That is where our preferences mostly come's from and why we attract certain people and why were also attracted to certain people. I overall disagree with the stance. That is not the overall reality. Your premise is based on lust and nothing more. That is where shallow people come from. And Hollywood marriages are not the real deal. They're being controlled and told who to marry for publicity and status to shape who we decide to go after and you want to know why the divorce rate is high and people cheat.

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  • Your MyTake is amazing, and it does make a lot of sense, but I think sometimes CHARM plays a bigger role, in my case if you play good with words and if you have the right attitude that will make you look attractive to me.
    If you are full of yourself, and you show it, even if you are the most handsome guy on earth, it will turn me off, and eventually you will seem ugly to me..
    BUT HEY IT'S ME... but I think this will be the same for many :)

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    • Agreed , same applies to very pretty women... that have HUGE ego's & a horrible attitude... but it is the fault of men mainly, for sucking up to her & inflating an already big ego !!

    • As of the time I'm writing this, the author hasn't responded to any of the comments, so I'm going to ask you what I'd like to ask the author.

      Natured, why is this mytake amazing? If looks *do* matter, why is it good advice to tell unattractive people to start dating other unattractive people? Do you believe looks don't matter to unattractive people? They only matter to attractive people?

  • Your entire premise is based on a high-school frame of mind - and if indeed you've written this for that demographic, it can stand on its own.
    But since I sincerely doubt you have - the title and everything else should read: If you're constantly being rejected maybe you should CHANGE your standards...
    Lowering them only makes a person settle... and they never lower their standards are are sincerely happy about it.

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  • Of course who you are attracted to, and who finds you attractive, is all subjective. There are those who would be considered attractive by the majority but they don't do it for some people. I agree with your point that if someone is being constantly rejected because they are going after super models they probably should lower their standards a bit. Nobody is saying they need to scrape the bottom of the barrel. I think people misunderstand you there.

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  • Generally speaking yes but not always. I've seen drop dead gorgeous women with average joes. I also know a very attractive man who prefers average looking women. I think it's really all about preference and who you fall in love with.

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  • cdn.boldomatic.com/.../The-short-answer-is-no-The-long-answer-is-fuck-no
    I would rather be single than be in unhappy relationship. Only an insecure person who can't be single would change themselves for anyone. I would wait eternity for my Gomez Addams.

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  • well, i guess there is something to be said about dating within your own circle.

    But still, you see gorgeous women with butt ugly men. and visa versa.

    Look at Christina Hendricks. she is married to this really plain, almost ugly guy...

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  • For the most part, yes. And when not, there's the magic thing called sex appeal:
    cdn02.cdn.justjared.com/.../...na-jolie-social.jpg

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  • physical attraction does matter. so glad you aren't afraid to say that. physical attraction is subjective however and you and other girls may or may not agree with me when i talk about the guys i think are at the pinacle.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zSZfaa4lpng

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  • "because unless we're asexual, physical attraction matters."-- I mean even I generally develop crushes on people I find aesthetically appealing... so yeah. It super matters, no one is safe lol

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  • Yeah, I get rejected a lot so I guess I need to date someone I won't find attractive and end up hurting him because I was never into in the first place.

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  • this is ridiculous. attractiveness is such a subjective thing.

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  • I think a lot of the issue is also that people don't want to committed to relationships either, or they waiting out on someone out and reject other people that come along and is interested.

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  • I think too many people date out of their league too. They'll totally ignore the more avg looking people.

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  • I would say upgrade or lower depending on the case. I'm also superficial and even I wish I got a guy of "my level" but they are hard to find. Guys hit on me a lot but later realize I'm "too talented" or "too smart"'for them and back off.

    Me? Welp my type of guys being rare is what caused me to be in a long distance relationship right now. Idc what people say now I'm really happy with him.. :)

    But I do believe it's not looks but rather intelligence, interests, spirituality etc that matters more than anything else. Heck, idc if the man of my heart is the ugliest man on this planet as long he is a "sweetheart with a brain" like me. :)

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  • I agree. People end up where they belong

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  • Good God! If I drop my standards any lower, I'll be looking for dates at San Quinton.

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  • I agree with pretty much everything you said only that we shouldn't by any means lower our standards but improve ourselves instead to match the kind of person we are attracted to

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    • Even hair transplant if someone is balding and shaved head doesn't suit him?

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    • @what1234 if it looks natural why not? I just don't like it when it looks fake, and that goes for both men and women

    • It looks natural and very effective, because it's own hair follicites taken from back of the head

  • Wait does this apply to friends as well? Only befriend those who are similar attractiveness as you both guys and other girls?

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    • She is only talking about dating. Looks don't matter when it comes to friendship.

    • @steven7890789 I don't know about that, like I can be friends with a one, but I'm not just going to be around a 10, like "No. we're just friends." lol. Especially if she doesn't have any other friends. I'm too old and too funny to be wasting jokes on non-prospects lol.

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  • being rejected is not a bad thing

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