Dating: Muslim Style

Disclaimer: This is a random commentary on my experience in the Muslim dating world. My experience is not representative of all Muslims.

There are lots of things at play when trying to find a partner in my community. His race matters. His occupation matters. His parents' occupations matter. His pedigree matters. The same goes for me. A marriage isn't just between two people, it's between two families. You want as many commonalities as possible to ensure a successful marriage. If these key characteristics match up, the man and the woman are encouraged to meet and date- something that was unheard of just decades ago. Dating can last as short as one meeting to as long as a few years, and hopefully leads to marriage. The unspoken rule is that no sex will happen during the dating period, but many people don't abide by that.

Dating: Muslim Style

In my particular community of Muslims, being a housewife in 2017 is not acceptable. Mothers (and their sons) don't want a daughter-in-law who doesn't earn money, who isn't sophisticated in her own right. As such, when my own career plans were a bit unclear, I didn't have much value as a partner even though the rest of the "karahiri package" was pretty solid. Lmao. Anyway, it was only until I was accepted into medical school was I seen to have some potential.

Dating: Muslim Style

I think this is part of the reason why I get so irritated by guys who think that all women have to do is be thin and look pretty to find a worthy partner. I've already been rejected for being too short at 5'0, too thin at 112 lbs, not successful enough back when I only had a Masters degree to offer. I can't change my height, I am working on my body, and I hope to make it through medical school in one piece. So what's next?

Dating: Muslim Style

While I don't mind my parents scoping out guys for me, I also wanted to have more control over the whole process- which they completely encouraged. So, I signed up to be on some Muslim dating apps/sites. Most of my experiences have been...disappointing. Even though I identify as a Muslim, refrain from eating pork, dress comparatively conservatively, have abstained, have read most of the Quran in Arabic... I'm simply not that devout. These days, the most praying I do is the night before exams. I believe in God. I believe in being a kind and generous person, but I couldn't quote the Quran to you. I'm never going to be someone who wears a hijab. I'm not going to say no to alcohol and drugs forever. The kind of Muslim I am is really hard to define. Some label it "culturally Muslim," but many people who identify as such drink frequently, have sex freely, eat pork, have never read the Quran etc. They're almost...not religious enough for me. It's a challenge to find a happy medium.

I'm not sure what's in store. It seems a bit scary to put the onus of finding a partner on your parents... but my parents know me the best. They know 99% of my pros and cons. Most importantly, they have my best interests at heart. They know what a bad marriage looks like- they're living that nightmare every day. I know they will do everything possible to make sure that that doesn't happen to me.

Dating: Muslim Style

Maybe a lot of this sounds crazy... but I do want to close with some words of wisdom. The rule of thumb in our dating system is "the more you have to offer, the more you can expect." Essentially... do your best to become the best version of yourself you can be. Not only will you respect yourself more, you will attract people of your caliber. I know this might be a "cold" way to approach love and relationships... but I don't think that makes it untrue. This method seems much more practical than me dropping a book and hoping some Muslim hottie picks it up, ours eyes meet, and we live happily ever after.


10|12
2650

Most Helpful Guy

  • "My experience is not representative of all Muslims."
    Nuff said. 1.5 bn Muslims in the world but we thinl they're all the same.

    3|2
    0|0
    • GOOD TAKE !

    • Right? I'm so tired of this BS. Muslims out number Catholics now and I think it's just lack of exposure to Muslims that makes people believe they are all terrorists or extreme leaning if they wear a head scarf of any kind.

      My experience with Muslims is similar is very surprisingly similar to that with Buddhists when it comes to interpersonal relationships and community. They treat others with a level of respect and to to do that evenly from person to person no matter the station.

      They treat you very well as a guest in their house assuming you remove you shoes. They don't push their belief system but are happy to share on whatever you want to know and they are peaceful.

      You know, I don't think you can call "The Troubles@ in Northern Ireland a holy war or religious based terrorism. Religion was the class faction, but the class treatment and apartheid type system was what fueled the fire not religion. Same as in the disputed territories. It's apartheid.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Another member already said it, but I will reiterate it. Why the fuck do people think it's okay to tell other people how to practice their religion? I used to be Christian and other Christians were part of the reason I left. If they hadn't told me how to act and then turn around and do the same thing, I wouldn't have left. There's a lot of things that Christians aren't allowed to do but do anyways. They're the biggest hypocrites I know. Live and let live.

    Now that that is out of the way, I thought your my take was insightful. I am atheist but I love hearing about religions and how everything works in their everyday lives. Great job!

    2|2
    0|0

Recommended myTakes

Join the discussion

What Guys Said 49

  • It seems like marriage serves as an ultimatum for dating. I also don't like how Muslims demand conversion if the person they're marrying belongs to another religion or are just simply atheist. It makes dating feel like a painful ritual, dated a Muslim girl once, not looking forward to dating someone like that again. I think its especially hard on women, I could literally feel how pressurized and insecure she felt.

    2|2
    0|0
    • Isn't the end goal of all dating to find the right partner? I don't see the benefit of dating people tp just experience them and then move on, like you've just enjoyed a good book. Conversion is needed for a Muslim ceremony. But not all people need or want to do that, so they can marry without having their partner convert. It's becoming more and more common. And tbh, my non-Muslim friends aren't raving about how dating has gone for them either.

    • Show All
    • What is the endgame to dating then? What are you dating... for? Isn't it to find the best partner for yourself and to build a life together? Many people see marriage as a gateway for that. As for divorcees in my community... getting divorced is emotionally challenging for most people. But then they recover. They date. They move on. They get remarried! I know in some communities, people are treated more harshly and I do NOT agree with that whatsoever. But that does not mean that all Muslims experience that same thing.

    • There's no endgame. People aren't so simple. I mean most Muslims here don't follow legislation set by the law making body. They use religion as the word of law. A guy says thalaq thrice and the marriage is over. I don't know where you come from, but I guess the Muslims there must be really liberal or something.

  • You aren't a muslim , they are not alowed to show their face in public , they dont drink , they dont have sex before marriage, they dont work (women). To be honest I have rarely seen a muslim woman working in India. There was one girl in my Office who disappeared after marriage. I think She is happy as a house wife now.

    1|1
    4|5
    • I know what I am.

    • Show All
    • Using that logic most women in America aren't Christian then.

    • Whatever you are , don't call yourself a Muslim.

  • Jesus Ch- er, Allah damn this comment section lol. I wonder if you think of yourself as Muslim first and foremost. Nothing inherently wrong in that except that I believe it's narrowing down and defining your dating experiences in a restrictive way. Again, nothing wrong with it, but you are clearly defining yourself as one important qualifier and nothing else.

    1|0
    0|0
    • I think of myself as an American Muslim, first and foremost. But that's not enough to find someone. So much has to match up. Our personalities have to work together. There needs to be attraction. All the things you want in "normal" dating exist here too. The only difference is that your date has essentially been vetted beforehand. I do agree that my dating experiences are restricted through this system, but I've talked to non-Muslim guys, all of my male and female friends are non-Muslims... I seriously don't see them faring any better doing what they're doing.

    • I love your answer. You're perfectly fine with defining yourself as Muslim and see it as an inherent advantage in dating and lifestyle, while at the same time being realistic about what that implies, and I salute you for it. I hope you find your ideal man someday, while keeping true to your values.

  • You're still a Muslim? Anybody with an open mind would have converted away.

    2|5
    5|5
  • If you get raped you're getting stoned to death. #sharia
    That being said most muslims are moderate... hopefully... unless all the ones i've met are... uncool

    2|3
    2|7
    • How is that relevant... at all... to this? Moderate Muslims don't practice or agree with sharia.

    • Show All
    • Well the whole bid where a murderer would receive the death penalty. I like that part. I actually thought up of a perfect system a few years back. I actually like the jury duty aspect that Americans have instilled. The only problem with that is how juries get selected. People who get selected should have really good knowledge on the U. S. constitutions, Amendments, and just overall good knowledge about books like "Ethics and the Law." Before going on jury they should be tested on their knowledge and only then be chosen. They should also pay people who on jury duty more money. Those jurors who were on the Casey Anthony case were clearly not fit to decide the fate of anyone in a court system. Obviously no justice system will be perfect we can still do better than what we have in America. The only thing I wouldn't really know how to fix is the amount of proof in some court cases. Because even with being able to receive DNA results back quickly, DNA evidence isn't always fully accurate either

    • As some people have gotten good at framing others by placing their hand or prints onto the murder weapon or any other evidence that could help solve the case. With videos too those also have flaws. As a video uploaded could be edited or the person capturing the video could have only captured it after the Culprit drew first blood and only capture the victim fighting back making it appear as the victim was the "culprit."

  • If it makes you feel any better, as far as some guys being "too Muslim" and some not enough, in terms of lifestyle and behavior, many Christians and Jews, and even atheists, have the same problem, guy or girl.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Absolutely. Thanks.

  • Easier just to stay single sometimes and make other goals. I suppose as a Muslim that would mean dying a virgin, glad I'm not religious or even spiritual. I never understood why a guy cares about a girl's height when all that's needed to not make it awkward is he simply be taller.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Night and income are coralated. We have as saying "it's the exception that proves the rule", it's easy to think of short rich people, Ronnie Barker, Warwick Davis, Vern Troyer etc, but, on average tall people earn more, the taller you are the more seriously people take you and the more likely it is you'll be promoted, therefore, if you want to have a son marry the tallest girl you can find, who wants his son to be poor?

  • Islam is poison. It's a disgusting religion, filled with hatred. Can you believe British muslims are practicing sharia law here. I am islamaphobic. But what people need to remember is that the Quran was written in the desert 🌵 in the Middle Ages, they didn't have science and knowledge then. I hate Islam. One of their teachings is to spread the blood religion and enforce it on people. They even breed like dogs here, one Muslim couple here I have seen have 10 kids 🤢

    0|3
    5|2
  • Ah good luck with it all, I think the values are entirely misplaced when it comes to all this matchmaking and partner seeking, especially when contextualised within the realms of religion, which is why I think you need the luck and I hope you have it! lol

    0|0
    0|0
  • Wow you really do have it really rough in the dining world , they make it so difficult over there, glad I live in a free country that's free to follow what you want

    0|0
    0|1
    • Tbh, I've tried pork before, and I don't need that saltiness or fat in my life. Many Muslims do drink, do eat pork, do have sex whenever they want, etc. They -are- free to do that. I'd just prefer not to. I don't see Westerners faring better health-wise or relationship-wise doing what they're doing.

    • Not much better but we do have more choices at least

    • Oh I see it says dining when I wrote dating, spell correct got me again, lol. Well either way good take and gave me better insight on what you deal with, don't really know why someone down voted what I said since it wasn't bad or insulting to anyone

  • No, I've known Indian girls who are now quite happy in marriages set up by their parents. It's preferable to our US pick up club scene, or online faking 'dating'

    1|0
    0|0
    • Congrats on being a editor!!

    • Show All
    • people know what they need in their hearts, believe it or not.

      At least well ballanced people do.

    • I am not saying there is no margin of error.

      but i still prefer to be surprised by life

      besides, what God may have in store for me, is probably much more wonderful and more of what I need than what my parents may choose.

      Therefore I prefer to wait until God's plan unveals itself to me.

  • Hummm? I always thought that Muslim men were looking for full time housewives, and not a second source of income? Realistically though, most high "caliber" successful guys couldn't care less about your career. In the upper classes, if your outside commitments interfere with your ability to be a good wife and mother then your marriage will be a train wreck waiting to happen. You have been warned...

    0|1
    0|0
    • True. I only know rich men (of any religion) to speak this way. Any man of average income desires a woman who can and is willing to help out, even if only part time.
      As far as train wrecks go, I've seen them only when one, or both of the partners have unaddressed mental issues. If the people are mentally fit mature and healthy, they do great no matter how little or how much the work.

  • My sister was married to a Muslim (she's christian ) and coming from different religious background was never a problem. They have two kids and they both grew up learning and respecting the two religions.

    Great Take by the way.

    0|2
    0|0
  • I love your (Islamic) dating system!

    Actually I agree with the dating system and financial system of Islam now!

    The rest I'll pass on (that I know of) but dating based on merit actually has been proven time and time again to be a sound method of approaching the situation and therefore is the smartest way to go about it. While your stakes are very high that actually means that your returns might be as well and with everyone bringing in knowledge and resources (money) that in turn means that hard times are significantly easier to weather and monetary problems can be greatly reduced or completely eliminated!

    But reading this did make me happy to be a man Because I imagine the process itself of being a male dating sounds atrocious with so much lying on the line and the pressure to impress with choice of partner plus the merit requirements.

    Hell the more I achieve the less I want a partner! What an ingenious system though! Very practical.

    1|1
    0|0
    • I see the pressures on men and women to be equal. It's the simplest, fairest system to me. They need to match each other on most points. And then see if a genuine chemistry is there.

    • Show All
    • In some ways... i think a lot of the community just takes marriage more seriously.

    • I would have to look at similar parties and expectations to know; the greater the education level and age of two partners the less likely they'll divorce, etc. Ironically this means that as people age and acquire more social power they actually may naturally be built for the hardships of marriage. Then again marrying young or being betrothed drastically offsets young and undereducated marriages therefore it's cultural as well.

      Humans are interesting. I wonder which counts for more as time goes on.

  • you are a muslim?

    by the way i agree with you there.

    these days its getting the opposite of earning wife thing, most of the parents wants their son to marry a doctor, even tho most of the husbands dont want a wife who works, but the trend of marrying a female doctor in muslims, and where i live, is getting more common day by day

    0|0
    0|0
  • If its any consolation I'd date you <3. Don't feel bad even if you drink. I forgot that one guy's name in the story from the Quran, but he would drink alcohol and he would give food to orphans though. One of the prophets personally knew him. You must live in a society with a bunch of hot male models lol, But seriously though I think you care too much about what other guys think.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Nice take! Although I'm not a Muslim but marriages like this are practised in my community too. Most of the times marriage is between families and not between the the couple. We have to change it upto some extent!

    0|0
    0|0
  • That parts where they control a woman too much is weak, in my opinion.
    I like being dominate, but that comes with the freedom of know what is mine is mine.
    Some do the most horrible things for the lamest of reasons, pure weakness.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Oh well you sound like 99% of my Egyptian friends, religious? Only on Fridays, Drinks? No, Smokes? Yes, believes in God? Yes, prays? Only when prayer is needed (mostly during exams), practical Muslim? Not really, Cultural? Mostly.

    0|0
    0|0
    • there's nothing wrong with that

      ppl's relationship with faith is personal. not to mention it also changed with time, life experiences, etc...

      I think it should be ok to let people explore their faith the way they feel they can.

    • Agreed. I clearly stated that I'm not that devout.

    • I never said anything was wrong with that, I was just stating that there are others who behave like you on daily basis so it won't be as hard as you think to find someone like you.

  • I could see having a glass of wine socially, but why would drugs be hard to forgo? As for being realistic about love, I get that. What about a headscarf as a happy medium?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Wow, if I had to deal with that I would either find someone who's of another religion or just another Muslim who not very religious. Just saying.

    0|2
    1|1
  • Your last paragraph is pretty much the same for all cultures. If you expect a high-value mate you need to also be one.

    0|1
    0|0
  • "encouraged to meet and date"
    Just for clarification, this is done without intimacy. No hugging, no kissing, no hand holding, no sex, etc. It's just so the two can get to know one another and confirm they're compatible.

    "In my particular community of Muslims, being a housewife in 2017 is not acceptable."
    This is completely unheard of to me. Some parents do look for a proper education but majority believe women should remain as housewives. They know it's inevitable if the couple wants kids. What's the ethnicity of the majority of your community? Usually Arabians are very old fashioned and so are southern Asians.

    1|0
    0|0
  • nicely written mytake! Good luck with finding him or letting him to find you!

    1|1
    0|0
  • No rape? This doesn't make me want to shout "Allah ak bar!!"

    0|0
    1|4
    • I could never rape a girl not even if i wanted to.

    • Show All
    • Ok, islamic savages make me puke.

    • @timidmale Take welfare systems away and watch the savages go back to where they came from. The non-savages of any group was trying to get away from those savages to begin with, and productive members of society work a tax paying job just like the rest of the non-savages.

      I just wished welfare systems would go away...

  • Cool my take, you guys and gals can answer my question too if ya want?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Great take, it represents majority of Asian countries.

    1|1
    0|1
  • This version of dating is a modification to allow a little more freedom. But Success dictates who you mingle with... and family is too involved still.. sadly

    Love is a path that flourishes by paving it's way... the rare occurrence of crossing paths during your own unique story is what feeds love
    There is just something about mystery... finding her, being on an adventure for her... It's like solving a survivor puzzle... satisfaction for finding the lucky combination to the puzzling art of love

    p. s. there is quite a bit of girls that share your type of ideology... modern muslim but some traditional roots...
    I guess depends where you live

    0|0
    0|0
  • Meanwhile in america the penuchle of women power. You must be three times better then the women you want to date in order for them to be attracted to you. Also you must make more money then them in order to make them feel secure enough to be in a long term relationship with you. And if you don't meet their standards they label you a creep and rapist. denying and depriving you dating and social experience until you actually start to turn into a creep and or sexual predator. Because while humans are social creatures testosterone twist men arms and forces them to socialize with the opposite sex to their own demise.

    0|0
    1|0
  • Show more from Guys
    19

What Girls Said 25

  • I can totally relate to you!! This is very similar to dating in the Hindu community. How you described your relationship to the Islamic faith is very similar to how I'd describe my relationship with Hinduism. I consider myself Hindu and I do believe in god but I'm not very religious. I mean I don't eat beef or pork which is against our religion but other than that I don't follow the religion very closely. And like you my parents expect me to be very educated because they say being pretty these days is not enough to find a good husband. also so many other things like the kind of family they come from, education level, income are at play that I can't just marry someone I have a connection with; they need to be compatible with what my parents have in mind as well. Although like you I feel like this is a bit constraining I do see the pros of this system. For one, divorce is less likely because financial security is taken care of and that is the number cause of divorce. Also you don't have to worry about that much family drama if you get approval from both families before hand.

    1|0
    0|0
    • You mean arranged marriages? Lol, who does that anymore?

    • Show All
    • yeah exactly like it's not like I'm gonna marry someone my parents pick for me without even meeting them. Obviously I'd have to get to know them and be in love with the person lol some people just want to jump to conclusions and be judgmental 😂

    • @Chief16 indians do.
      And op, there may be similarities, but from what i see, hindu women get plenty more freedom than muslin girls. I think they even get more freedom than christian girl.
      Not saying you can't complain, im just saying you are probably relatively better

  • i like it, but just wondering, is it necessary to marry a muslim cause there are heaps of guy that dont do drugs and have sex all the time who have good jobs and stuff but just but aren't religious, or believe in god but are not in a particular religion?

    1|0
    0|0
    • I've made that same argument to my parents. And they understand. But they think when it comes to raising a family, if the parents are of two different religions, it can be difficult to raise a family as a united front. His family might want thing, mine wants another, we'd argue, etc. It's a complication when it shouldn't be. I know people of different faiths can marry and raise a family well- but lots of times, those couples are soooo loosely religious, only in name. So they wouldn't care to raise their family with a faith anyways.

    • I hope she meets a nice Jewish doctor.

    • oh, would you want your kids to be muslim? cause if not couldnt you just practice religions seperately, and let the kid decide when theyre a bit older

  • Why did you make this post and why don't I believe you? IS this your attempt to paint Muslims in a more favorable light to others?, because this random as fuck and just sounds like a damn lie.

    2|2
    3|5
    • I wrote it because i felt contemplative. It's my experience, you don't have to believe it.

    • Show All
    • @blondfrog A bitch yes, stupid no. I also don't have my nose up anybody's asshole, that is gross you freak :)

    • I bet you haven't picked up the book once the actual book and read it. Your not smart and you don't look smart either.

  • Good post! It sounds like you're experiencing all the typical problems of dating, plus some that are unique to your culture. Sorry about the people on here who hate on your religion :(

    1|0
    0|0
    • Thank you! There definitely is overlap between my experience and the 'normal' dating experience. As for the people who clearly didn't read it and just want to shit on Islam... I expected it. Lol.

  • I think every one regardless of religion finds it hard to find the right person.

    I don't know where you live but meetup is a really good site.

    I think you try doing activities rather than dates. Maybe try joining favourite swimming club or badminton club. You are bound to find a friend in that way, and you can get to know him.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Interesting Take :)

    I agree with the housewife part, most people I know these days encourage their wives to pursue a career too but being rejected for not having a PhD or being tall sounds ridiculous, you're better off without such guys to be honest.

    0|1
    0|1
    • Oh the irony. Women reject men for not being tall, not being rich enough, not being succesful enough, penis is not big enough, etc.

      So basically "pot calling the kettle black".

    • @neptunemermaidman how does holding a Master's degree not make you successful? And I would say the same to men, regarding women who reject them, over "penis size" as you put it, that's ridiculous.

  • I'm married to a muslim. I sort of wish his family had that mindset... I'm pursuing my career, but the women in his family aren't supposed to work.
    His little sister, who is 13, said she wants to be a lawyer but her brother, my brother-in-law yelled at her for it and told her to forget about it because she'll "know too many people."

    0|0
    0|0
  • There is no muslim dating style. Muslims don't date.

    2|2
    1|2
    • More devout Muslims may not date... but it isn't unheard of these days.

    • Show All
    • @DaniaMQ actually that would be called courtship in Europe and I'm sure at least most Christian people know what it is - or was, like 50 years ago.

    • Just curious and where the fuck does it say in the bible that Christians are supposed to date? That's what i thought.

  • Yeah, makes sense...
    And it definitely is true - and it should be like that in real life - the better you are the more you can expect, but that's not the case in real life, unfortunately...

    Still - we can all do out best and see where it leads us. =)

    0|0
    0|0
  • I'm a Muslim in a culture that dates based on love without parental involvement, but the rules that are heavily imposed on you, are just silent and unwritten among us here. I'm pretty sure they always apply.

    0|0
    0|0
  • My sister and brother-in-law defeated all odds to get married. Be with someone who you can be committed and faithful with. I'm sure you'll find a great man in sha Allah! :)

    1|0
    0|0
  • I'll just say the same applies regardless of which religion.

    1|0
    0|0
  • Why the fuck do so many people on hete think they can tell you how to practice tour religion right?

    3|3
    0|0
  • Interesting take, as for myself though... I wouldn't date a Muslim because we wouldn't have the same beliefs and it would just complicate things.

    No offence to the Muslims out there, you're all good people. (except for the extremists)

    1|0
    0|0
    • True, but I've noticed many religions have a ton of similarities. Especially the Abrahamic religions.

  • Man, I usually skim through myTakes, as I started off with yours and then I hit a line that made me go back and actually read the whole thing. Great take honestly. I can relate too well.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Muslims are no different than any other human. They date and get to know women or men they see the potential of being with. They are great people and just because a group of people of Muslim religion created chaos doesn't make all of them vicious.

    0|0
    0|1
  • Only a Masters degree. Such a slacker. 😜

    2|1
    0|0
  • i thought you were bengali i am so confused now ( ´_ゝ`)

    0|0
    0|0
  • The last paragraph is cross-cultural. It's advice given to girls in many countries. And no wonder. It's pretty solid.

    The muslim ladies I knew were from North Africa, the Middle East and Pakistan. None of them dated, in the typical sense.

    The Paki had an arranged marriage. She spoke to her would-be husband over the phone once before marrying him. I also lived with an older Algerian lady. She met her husband online, spoke to him for 3 months online, then flew back to her country so she could marry him. I also knew a Yemeni guy who had an arranged marriage with his wife.

    Arranged... i think that's how it's normally done.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Very interesting and insightful take

    1|0
    0|0
  • those memes tho... LOL

    0|1
    0|0
  • Nice take

    0|1
    0|1
  • Nice

    0|1
    0|0
  • I know what you did last ramadan lmao

    0|0
    0|0
  • 😂😂😂

    0|0
    0|0

Recommended Questions

Loading...