Why You Can't Lack Physical Attraction or Personality

[bloodmountain1990]

I've been seeing a lot of questions asking if you'd date someone you weren't physically attracted to and the people who said no would be crucified.

Here is why that is wrong.

So there's no such thing as a perfect person. If there is or it seems that way, there's probably a catch to it. As the old saying goes, if it's too good to be true, it is.

In my case, I dated a girl who seemed really cool at first, was a great conversationalist, had a lot in common with me, mostly music tastes, horror movies, political views, etc and she was knockout gorgeous. Not putting her on a pedestal, but when I told friends and my brothers about her, they'd say dude that's your dream girl, you gonna marry her? Turns out she just got out of a 5 year relationship. Like her ex moved out the week of our first date and she ended up being a narcissist and a sociopath and ended up playing me by inviting me to her place with a condom wrapper in her bed from another guy. To add insult to injury, she made it seem like it was my fault by blocking me on social media and turning her friends against me. So there ya go, if it's too good to be true, it is.

Anyways, dating is not easy. Finding the right person isn't always easy. There are some people who are physically attractive but have a horrible or just flat out bland personality then there are those who are great people, but are not the least bit physically attractive. Keep in mind, attraction is all subjective. What may be attractive to one, may not be to another. Everyone's got preferences.

Point being is, I've dated a lot and it seems like finding a match is tough. Either the girl would be not attractive(or a catfish) but have some things in common and be a good person. And then there's been times where the girl was cute and was either really boring with no common interests (and I mean none).

A girl doesn't have to be knockout gorgeous but she's gotta be at least somewhat attractive or else the sex and intimacy will be awkward. A girl also doesn't have to be exactly like me in terms of common interests and other things, but at least have some things in common or at least be open to trying new things and be able to hold a conversation or else talking and communication will be awkward. There's also been times where the girl would be cute but then also have lots of issues. That shit will drain you and is toxic.

[freakyzeaky]

Pretty much summed up what makes dating difficult for both sexes.

Now if you throw other things in the way like shyness, social anxiety, insecurity, etc. and you have some guys or gals who don't even get into the dating game to find Mr. or Mrs. Compatible, have a scarcity mentality and may settle for someone who down the road will break things off because it wasn't meant to be.

Dating should be a numbers game because it takes meeting a variety of people to find out if they are compatible or if their situation is conducive for a long-lasting successful relationship. Honestly, online dating is not enough. Ideally, dating should be taught to people from an early age and should be a socially entrenched ritual that happens on the regular for all people. Now that there aren't any community-based unions like in ancient times (arranged marriages, marriage for famly/duty, etc.) and romance/sparks is considered a required element for a relationship, people need to be exposed to hundreds of people to find a match.

Personally, I haven't had too many dates in my life. That is due to some issues I have, but I have heard how draining and soul-crushing dating can be for some people (of both sexes). I suppose it has to do with how much investment we put into finding love and relationships.

[raspberry0416]

This take confirms my view that men are looking for a decent looking woman who will tolerate him.
Women have much higher standards.

[Bananaman177]

May I humbly suggest that you have correctly apprehended the exact situation, but you fundamentally misunderstand the actual reasoning behind it?

i.redditmedia.com/...z4PlPI7ytWIksArJuuWrhX5bA.png

http://i.imgur.com/2MstAzl.gif

I don't think you're actually looking at this from our shoes, I think you're attempting to filter male behavior through female logic, i. e. "if a man does behavior X, he must do it for the same reasons why a woman would do X." Or, "he must feel the same way a woman who does X would have to feel."

I think the way you are judging men is kind of like that old quote about how you shouldn't judge a fish by it's tree-climbing skills? You'd think a fish was the most worthless thing ever if you never saw it in the water. I think you're not really seeing us for what we are, even though you do correctly see what we do.

[raspberry0416]

Is your point that men think most women are good options, so they don't think they have low standards?

[Bananaman177]

I don't think it's strictly high vs. low standards, because that implies we judge each other on the same things and in the same way.

It's more that men have a very short list of fairly reasonable requirements while women tend to have quite a bit longer list and their requirements are very often far more complicated and exclusionary. I also think men's standards aren't "lower," as much as they're more flexible. If you ask five guys to pick the prettiest girl out of a line-up, you're quite likely to have five or even six different opinions. Different men tend to have wildly different tastes. Women are much more uniform in what they find attractive. Ask women to pick out the hottest guy, chances are they'll all pick the same one. So if humanity is a rainbow, men think every color is pretty in it's own way.

Women think red is the best color and all the other colors are worthless ugly trash.

I really think that's the difference.

[Bananaman177]

Look at how women rated men's attractiveness in the first graph I posted. Asked to split men into categories, women could not bring themselves to put a SINGLE MAN in the "most attractive" category. When your standards are so high that 0% of the population meets your standards, that's literally the textbook definition of your standards being too high.

Maybe you should date this guy:
i.pinimg.com/.../...8a--sci-fi-movies-movie-tv.jpg

[raspberry0416]

@Bananaman177
I respect what you said.
But I think men's standards on what's attractive in a woman are pretty uniform too. Men like a certain waist to hip ratio, body fat percentage, youthful appearance, and symmetrical facial features.
And it's not that our standards are so high that no one meets them, it's that we are actively seeking the best guy we can find.
And you sound a little bit bitter, which isn't going to help you.

[Bananaman177]

You're not seeking the best guy you can find when you can't find him.

And I totally disagree with your point that men all like the same thing. That's according to the gays and lesbians who write for women's magazines.

Go to a porn site and you'll notice that there are many categories of porn divided by the woman's appearance. Some categories show young, skinny girls. And equally popular, right next to that, will be a category for "milf" porn, and one for "chubby girls," and there's guys who only like one category, and there's guys who like 'em all, or any combination.

Go to any porn site and bring up a list of pornstars by popularity. Look at the top 10 most popular pornstars. What do they all have in common, looks-wise? Honestly, relatively little. They range in age from 18-50, they have flat-chested all the way to freakishly huge fake boobs. Some have a big chunky ass with cellulite, some have no ass, some have a muscular ass, they all have different hair, different eyes, etc.

[Bananaman177]

Now bring up the top ten most popular MALE pornstars.

Ten motherfuckers who look basically exactly the same, all very tall, perfectly muscled, well-endowed, with strong jawlines and heavy brows. Hmmmm...

I'm sorry, but men are capable of finding a very wide variety of things attractive. Women are not. Women are all programmed alike.

And yes, it is really weird as a man to see basically 10% of guys get 90% of all love, sex, and affection, and watch the top 30% of men divide the remainder amongst themselves, and the bottom 70% basically get nothing. Ever. I don't see how that wouldn't make someone bitter.

lolasrecoverysite.files.wordpress.com/.../...n.jpg

And you're right, women are even less forgiving of bitterness than they are of the circumstances that caused it. Women's attitude seems to be, "Oh, you've been hurt? How dare you?"

But I think having impossible standards and thinking that you're perfect enough to demand perfection from others is every bit as toxic.

[raspberry0416]

@Bananaman177
Your example with the porn stars show that men have sexual tastes that vary. But what I'm talking about is the kind of woman that men would fight over to date and marry in real life. You are very wrong if you think all women have it equal in the dating market place. The young, slim, pretty women clean house while the older, less attractive ones get much less attention from men. I don't deny that unattractive women can also get sex, but sex is not the goal. Dating and marriage is the goal. Men also chase after the same small percentage of attractive women as a first choice, and then get bitter when they can't get them.

[Bananaman177]

I thought we were talking purely about standards of attraction.

Raw animal magnetism, as it were.

Honestly if you want to talk about "true love," I'm not sure what your point is about high vs. low standards anymore.

But I will say this, there's no way you think a man and a woman who are equally unattractive have the exact same dating outlook. Of course a woman no matter how ugly always has more options and better options than a man of the same level of attractiveness.

Also, things that are dealbreakers for men are usually things that women could change. Lifestyle choices, attitude, etc.

Dealbreakers for women are usually genetic. Like if you're 5'5'' tall, guess what, you're just fucked. And you just always will be. And there's nothing you can ever do different, you're just fucked. Too bad for you that you weren't aborted, basically.

I'm sorry, but far, FAR more men are unable to compete in the sexual marketplace than women. Like about half. For women, maybe 20% at most?

[Nyx_85]

@Bananaman177 " When your standards are so high that 0% of the population meets your standards"

Not to disagree but just wanted to point out that was a graph from one dating site. Not the entire population. Also I find the attitude of people who regularly do the online dating thing often varies from other people.

[Nyx_85]

@Bananaman177 www.ranker.com/.../dude

www.ebaumsworld.com/.../

I dunno they don't look remarkably different to me. A FEW women of different ethnicities but no huge weight difference. Most are young-ish white, thin/fit and with big boobs. Roughly 70% of porn actresses are white.

[Nyx_85]

Forgot this one. www.complex.com/.../sophia-santi

[harryish]

@Bananaman177 It can't be true man. Why, in a class, most boys are after the hottest girl?
haven't you observed that?

[Z-Spark]

@harryish the issue is that women have high standards, even the ones who can't get a decent man have super high standards so what wend up with are a lot of single women chasing a lot of taken men, and yes if we're talking about marriage then men will chase the hottest girl they can find, but for sex? shit they will hit on the uglies chicks they can find lol cause its easy sex

[raspberry0416]

@Bananaman177
I was talking about choosing someone to date and marry. Not just about choosing someone to fuck. Physical attraction plays a part but it's not the whole picture.
And I do think that you're right, it is a lot easier for women to get sex than it is for men. But my point was that it's not a big compliment to a woman to be able to give a guy an erection, not if he doesn't like her for anything beyond that.
Might I suggest that you stop focusing on your own physical flaws and work on other areas of yourself that will improve your chances with women. Stop dreaming about becoming some alpha male who can pick up hot women any day of the week.

[Kayla03]

@harryish you are really true about that man! I have seen that too in my school 😏

[harryish]

@Kayla03 life is biased no? nature should have made equal and look alike, so people wouldn't worry about the looks and purely on the charecter and personality which girls wants men to observe.

[winterfox10]

Well I think that a big part of the issue is that both genders have different ideas about what they should bring to the table, and what their partner should bring to the table. I know a LOT of women, for example, (you'll note how I said a lot and not all) who expect their guy to do all the work in the relationship. An over simplified way to depict their idea of a good relationship is "I let him fuck me, buy me dinner, and make me happy, more or less on my terms, in exchange for my time." Conversely, I know many guys (again, many, not all) who view a good relationship as "I don't want to commit too much of my time to fucking her. I want to be free, but I also want a steady supply of nookie."

Neither one of these horrid views captures what the essence of a relationship is really about! Guys should love, cherish, respect, provide for, and protect the woman they are with, and conversely, women should respect their guy's time, effort and resources, and find ways to enjoy enjoy each other.

It's the woman's job, generally speaking, to cultivate the romance in the relationship... guys... well... we just suck at that stuff, okay? We need your help ladies

[NotReallyBatman]

Physical attraction is subjective, and even if you are unfortunate enough to encounter hundreds upon hundreds of opposite sex people who reject you for your unattractiveness, you still are not hopeless or without worth. Einstein, Ghandi, and Mother Theresa weren't conventionally "attractive" people, but what they accomplished to society is more important than whether they looked good or not. Everybody has a purpose, and for many, the ones who don't look attractive accomplish more than the ones who do.
As for the "lack of personality" aspect. According to the Jungian/Five factor model every single person has a personality makeup of 5 variable factors. Some makeups go better with some makeups and less with others. If somebody doesn't like your personality, it's their problem not yours (unless you receive a unanimous opinion that you're personality is crap, then perhaps it's about certain qualities to you rather than your personality).

[AlongCameAlice]

i didn't quite get the title compared to what you wrote? i thought the title mean't that a person can't lack those things but i think you mean't it in a way that you need both to be attractive?

Either way i think personality is by far more important than looks but i need some physical attraction to the person or its not going to work either. but someone who was gorgeous looking and boring or someone average looking with a great personality would win me everytime.

[bloodmountain1990]

Yep, that's exactly my point. But you'd date someone who's very cute but also very boring?

[AlongCameAlice]

I'd never date someone who was boring i need interesting conversation and to be mentally simulated personally.

[bloodmountain1990]

Same. I think completely lacking physical attraction or even a mental attraction would be awkward in their own ways. If I’m talking to someone and all we have is small talk, I get bored easily.

[Anonymous]

Well I think it's subjective as attraction can grow over time. I mean women are more emotionally driven.
Take my boyfriend, at first I didn't find him attractive, too skinny for me. But he kept on for a date so thought why not. Spent nearly every day together for a month before realising I actually did like him for the little things he did, like holding my hair when I was being sick, looking after me and making me tea etc. Or the passionate way he plays guitar, or talks about his family.
And here we are 2 years later

[Blake0048]

And thats not fair to him. If I saw my girlfriend post that id leave her.. Id much rather know im actually physically attractive to her.

[Opinion Owner]

@Blake0048 how's it not fair to him? He knows I didn't feel that way about him when we met. Didn't say I don't find him attractive now.

[kouldb]

@Blake0048 She clearly stated that over time, as you get to know someone, the attraction can grow if you like them. She also clearly stated she really does like him. It's a subjective thing. I've had relationships where I wasn't initially attracted, and then over time fell in love. But I guess it takes a bit of maturity and depth to understand that concept.

[Blake0048]

@kouldb yea I get that. Im saying if you weren't initially attracted to him its because you didn't find him attractive. You weren't physically interested in him but his personality filled the gap and eventually you began to see him as attractive. Im saying to me I dont think of that as fair. If he knows then thats fine thsts hidms decision. Im just saying I want to avoid ever being in that position.

[ATuairiscean]

I think the bottom line is the connection you feel as individuals at different times, at the start you might feel a physical attraction or an emotional bond because you are very similar or just click. Then a more mature connection develops if you are lucky. So people who say they fell in love at first sight are basically just very lucky people. It is my premise that no one knows what you will be like if you still together in 6 months, a year or 5 years etc.

[coolbreeze]

Great points and your right about a lot of thing's on girl's. Looks isn't everything.

[bloodmountain1990]

They're not everything but they still matter. I've settled at times and kept seeing women I had no physical attraction to, who were catfishes, and it felt like a waste of both of our time.

[coolbreeze]

True man catfishes are the worst. They always misrepresent themselves.

[bloodmountain1990]

But on the flip side of that, staying in a toxic relationship with someone who's really cute can also cost you. It's very damaging and draining.

[coolbreeze]

Haha yeah man that is true. It can be emotionally and physically draining to deal and put up with.

[Cosytoasty]

Well said. Attraction in real life is total package despite people on GaG digging up the extremes.

[bloodmountain1990]

I call bullshit on people saying they'd date someone they have no physical attraction to. And if they say they would, it most likely wouldn't last.

[Cosytoasty]

Exactly, same as BS on people claiming the other gender ONLY cares about money or looks... it's never just one thing.

[bloodmountain1990]

Exactly being cute alone won't save you and being a good person alone won't save you. It's never just about one thing.

[turbosandheels]

Physical attraction is important, but when you see someone from the inside out they will ultimately become more attractive to you.

[bloodmountain1990]

Or less attractive depending on their personality

[anewgirl]

True. However, I really do believe physical attraction can be cultivated if you love the person enough

[bloodmountain1990]

Depends. If a person is too short and you're into taller people like I am, they can't make themselves taller.

Weight can be worked on, facial hair can be worked on though.

[apple24]

Well duhhhh... a pretty girl end sleeping with another man and got out of a relationship!
-typical.

The thing is aren't you naive to think just because she has tons of good qualities your her ownly opportunity.

Nevertheless, a relationship can
Not work if the other person doesn't find you attractive.

[bloodmountain1990]

I never claimed or thought I was her only opportunity. Look, most people who use dating sites and apps multi date. I do the same.

Having said that, there's a fine line between someone saying hey I'm seeing other people and then going to someone's place and finding a used condom/condom wrapped in their bed clearly from someone else only to be treated like it's your fault. That is disgusting behavior and uncalled for. If the roles were reversed and that was me doing that to a girl, I'd be fucking crucified for that.

[apple24]

What I was trying to say you shouldn't have such high expectations. Basically the old saying don't put your eggs in one basket. Yeah I understand why anyone would be mad about finding a condom. Also, the dating world seem idiotic. Not looking forward to it.

[bloodmountain1990]

I didn't set high expectations. She blatantly led me on and manipulated me. I was keeping my options open too.

Even with keeping your options open, the dating word is tough.

[apple24]

Well I am sorry about that. Yup yup! I only dated one guy in my whole life cuz he asked me out. I think we broke up because no matter how good of a person he was I wasn't attractive to him. Nor did I think of him as romantic or interesting. I think it's great that you gain experience and learn why things didn't workout. Like looking for jobs! You don't know until you experience it. (-:

[bloodmountain1990]

Yeah I mean it was more than just a learning experience. I don't know if you're familiar with the term "gaslighting" but what she did was a form of that. And it didn't just end there. I'd run into her at concerts as we have similar music tastes and if she saw me, she'd accuse me of stalking her and turn her friends against me even though I was there with friends or even other girls I'd date afterwards. This person is an all around piece of shit.

Someone who engages in gaslighting makes you question your own sanity and makes you feel like everything you do is wrong.

[bloodmountain1990]

And that sucks with your dating experience. If he didn't find you attractive, why did he date you in the first place?

[apple24]

I don't know he was very lonely. Lol it sucks. Lol that theory sounds like my mom. The other day I was sleeping early and she thought I was talking to a boy but I told her I was so tired the other day.

[bloodmountain1990]

So in other words, he settled?

[apple24]

Yup I think we both did that day.

[Anonymous]

I see your meme about finding the perfect girl. No girl is perfect. The only perfect person is Perfect Cell.

vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/.../latest

[Poppykate]

Yeah... not perfect! 😒 I don't like green! 😋

[tinymeep]

i find the man i married extremely attractive
most people think he's scary

[bloodmountain1990]

Scary in what way?

[Anonymous]

I wasn't attracted to the guy i'm involved with atm when I first met him, in fact he's probably the polar opposite of the type of person I find attractive, however, his personality I love and as we've got to know each other, I've found him more attractive physically as well as personality wise

[MuffinHead]

It’s hard to find the person you can get along with in the long term.

[bloodmountain1990]

I think dating sites and people having too many options partly contributes to that issue. Is it the sole issue? No, but I do hear a lot of people, both guys and girls, complain about it.

[MuffinHead]

I’m not going to complain about it to be honest. When the right comes, so will the right person.

[Browneye57]

Yes, physical attraction is important. Otherwise you'll wake up every morning and look at her and think, 'what the fuck did I do?' :)

[kitty71]

Question. If a lady is some what attractive and she has a nice perosnality and still can't get a guy to date her or even just to hang out, What could be her problem then that she is unlucky?

[bloodmountain1990]

Yep, probably bad luck, attracting the wrong guys, etc. Same could be said for a guy in the same scenario.

[Maria1980]

You might be surrounded by the wrong people. But another thing is her beauty might intimidate guys and they fear getting rejected by her. Believe it or not some guys are too frightened of smart beautiful women especially young guys. That is why pretty girls get approached mostly by old ugly men who have more confidence and not much ego to lose

[kitty71]

@Maria1980 As far as I know the lady is the one with fear of getting rejected not the men

[Maria1980]

Then its clear why she can't get a date I know a girl like that she has a very weak personality therefore she fears rejection as well.

[Maria1980]

So its just she have insecurities

[azzntittiz]

Pretty girls don't act like that, I don't believe you.

[bloodmountain1990]

Don't act like what

[azzntittiz]

That bitch.

[bloodmountain1990]

Well she may have been pretty on the outside but fucking repulsive on the inside.

And what don't you believe? Obviously after she pulled that shit, I lost all respect for her.

[bloodmountain1990]

This is my point of the take. You can't date someone who is a good person but completely lacks physical attractiveness just like you can't date someone who's very attractive but has an awful personality.

[animus1988]

hahaha legit post @azzntittiz

this guy is a joke and obviously twisted around the story. when he went over to her house she realized he had a tiny equipment and kicked him out. he tried to turn around the story to make her look crazy but anyone with an IQ over 80 can tell he's making that shit up lol.

[bloodmountain1990]

@animus1988 no, im not making this up as fucked up as that sounds. I've never heard of other people going to their date's house and finding empty condom wrappers laying in the bed or people even lying about that or attempt to spread rumors about that.

[animus1988]

whatever dude the point is she wouldn't have sex with you/cheated on you cus your dick is too small lol get over it

[bloodmountain1990]

@animus1988 I still had sex with her but what you're saying makes no sense so I have no reason to further this conversation with you.

[bloodmountain1990]

@azzntittiz so you've never heard people say they'd hit it and quit or they'd fuck a girl but never date her?

Happens all the time.

[MysteriousDarkness]

I believe for a good relationship that both involved have to be attracted to each other and like each others petsonality.

[dogfish]

this is so true cause i learned this from experience. people who disagree with this are in for a big surprise <3

[Anonymous]

Of course, a relarionship is a friendship if there isn't physically attractiveness