Why physical attraction is not a good basis for dating

[jennifer_bloom]

Basing a relationship on beauty is foolish because beauty doesn’t last and it’s even more foolish if you date or marry somebody when you know your primary asset to them is your physical appearance.

Your gentle voice could disappear with one bought of throat infection. Your muscular body could die out with 3 months of dehydration. Your beautiful body could become ugly with 3 inches of added belly mass to your stomach area. Your charming demeanour could become obsolete with one car accident that ruins your hand eye coordination.

Your attractive personality and body could become worthless to a guy with one lie, or on ex boyfriend who gives you a disease that makes you infertile. I’ve seen woman who look like super models become engaged and than they start wearing a really ugly pair of glasses that makes them look hideous and I’ve seen gorgeous girls become ugly in less than 3 years when they begin to wrinkle in old age.

I’ve seen gorgeous celebrities become ugly with tattoos. And I’ve seen good looking people become unappealing when their accent changes. I’ve also seen very attractive men lose all their desirability when they are nervous and scared on dates and I’ve seen good looking guys lose their appeal when they adopt incorrect ideas on how to properly parent a child.

I’ve seen good looking guys lose their appeal by being to open to physical relationships with people. I’ve also seen them lose their appeal when they develop health issues that make their faces scrunch up into ugly shapes when they talk and I’ve met people with flawless bodies and faces who turn out to have a bad temper behind closed doors.

Basing a relationship on personality, work ethic, and intelligence is far more beneficial than caring exclusively about a face or a pre pregnancy body.

[Yurrasis]

100% agree too. I end up liking people more not through their looks, but through the aura they give off. The more I hang out and learn about them, my perception changes (for better or worse).

[Yurrasis]

Yikes. Sounds like a you problem, not mine. Good day.

[Asad1ONE1]

@hokage1 Chill. Women (just like men) like all types of guys.

[Yurrasis]

@Asad1ONE1 Pretty certain they're a troll, but thank you. Nice pfp by the way, I follow that artist on twitter lol

[Siegram173]

Aura = 6 feet tall with good looks

[Asad1ONE1]

Not really a "troll". Probably just upset due to his experiences. Many women discriminate on height and that is what's probably bugging him. Best thing is to empathize. Everyone is different, but I believe almost all people (man or woman) require physical attraction and personality 50/50 in their partner.

[Asad1ONE1]

Yea I think most guys should look like that in the pfp lol. True male beauty.

[garykingg]

bullshit, its all about looks and you know it. What you are doing here is virtue signaling.

[Waldoe]

I agree 100% personality usually gets better, physical appearence does NOT

[OlderAndWiser]

I think many men get unjustly accused of dating strictly on the basis of physical attraction. Here are what I think are the relevant facts:

1. For most men, physical attraction is an absolute requirement for a relationship. After all, that i what distinguishes dating relationships from friendships.

2. However, most men recognize that physical attraction is not enough to make a relationship. A cute face and great ody may make a guy want to have sex with a girl and, yes, some guys will date solely on the basis of a girl giving them hot sex, but. . . guys who are looking for more than just getting laid understand that many other factors are important.

3. Nonetheless, the first thing that we know about most women is their physical appearance , because we can see them from a distance before we are ever close enough to engage in conversation. And most men know IMMEDIATELY whether they feel a physical attraction to a woman. It is not an analytical cognitive process for us; it is an immediate emotional response.

4. The process of dating is intended to allow us to get to know a woman better. So, we begin knowing that we are phsycally attracted but 98% of these women do not becoe our long term partners EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE ATTRACTED. It's very rare for a guy to breaak up with a girl because she isn't cute enough.

[Bluemax]

Well said

[Yurrasis]

Yeah. I would say it goes the same for women as well. Someone replied to my comment for this post accusing all women strive for looks and date with physical atttributes as its foundation.

[Asad1ONE1]

Yes goes both ways. The difference is in the narratives lol.

[SmokyOne]

Said everything I was going to, spot on assessment.

[ManOnFire]

These are all very excellent points and very possible things to happen. Which is why I factor in physical beauty only about 40% of the time. No doubt, a good-looking woman is nice, but she has to have more going for her than just that, and sadly a lot of very attractive women often don't.

[metaldragon563]

Tall guys are usually the ideal. From talking to tall guys and just seeing their behavior, I can say for sure most tall guys are either assholes, extremely weird and creepy, or very boring personality wise. It amazes me that women somehow think that the 15% of men that are tall are Mr. Perfect in every way when there's literally 85% of men that aren't tall that are great men. You can divide up that 15% of tall men too. there's gay tall men, assholeish tall men, weird tall men, tall men already in relationships, tall men that are very young. That leaves you with about 1 - 3% of tall men that are actually decent and worth pursuing. Not only that, but to actually make height the be all and end all for a guy is low and shallow. We are more than our height. Height is the only thing you cannot change too. So whatever women claim makes us shallow is changeable. You can change your face, tits, and ass all through plastic surgery. You can even change your hair color and eye color.

there's nothing a man can do to become tall and grow taller at all. And most guys usually don't care about physical appearance as much as women do. Women expect guys to be muscular, tall, good looking in order to be attractive, thats the "ideal" guy. I've seen different types of women with guys. Most of the men i've seen with women are usually either muscular, tall, or muscular and tall. As a skinny short guy, there's no way in hell I'm anywhere attractive to a guy a foot taller than me and jacked. My equivalent is probably a fat woman, but even fat women are acceptable and attractive to certain men. The minute you degrade a man down to his height only, you'll lose all respect from not only the guy but everyone.

[wowop99266]

It's all about height for women. It's the only personality trait they care about.

[Cherry234]

Most women don't care that much about height. They only care if you're taller than them or at least the same height.

[wowop99266]

@Cherry234 So the only cut off for women is my height?

[Cherry234]

@wowop99266 Some women don't care about height at all but most want the man to be taller than them.

[wowop99266]

@Cherry234 Will there ever be a shift to where more women care less about height?

[Cherry234]

@wowop99266 I don't know. It's ingrained into women to want taller men. There are a lot of men who care about height too and wouldn't date women taller than them.

[wowop99266]

@Cherry234 Well, then us short guys are pretty much screwed.

[Cherry234]

@wowop99266 There are women who will date short guys. Not all of us want or only want tall men.

[Datboi65]

Whether you do like it or not, we have sexual needs as human beings and we find some people more attractive than others. I would agree to an extent. The thing that I disagree with is that looks don't mean anything, to which they do. If a man doesn't find a woman attractive, 9 times out of 10 he will not talk to her. Let's assume that that woman has the most wonderful personality in the world, he's not gonna find out because he didn't approach her.

Also, I believe you have to find your partner physically attractive in order to maintain a healthy relationship. They don't need to have supermodel status or anything, but you need to find them attractive. Sure, when time goes on looks deteriorate, but I believe there's always something you can do. Stay lean and fit and don't deviate from that, sleep for 6-8 hours, stay hydrated and so on. These things will help you look better when you get older.

I have an issue with people who get too comfortable and just stop trying to look good for their partner because their "personality" is what keeps their partner, and I think it's a load of bs. If my future wife gains 20 pounds and refuses to exercise ti get rid of it, I'm out the door. I take that part seriously in my own life, so I would be damned if I let someone else get comfortable when I'm out there in the gym 5 days a week trying to improve or even maintain what I have. It is very disrespectful.

Aside from that, I believe people should have substance to them. If you are the most attractive woman on Earth, but you are bland then it doesn't make you a great wife. Same goes for men. I agree with that wholeheartedly, but I don't believe in extremes. A personality without looks makes you a friend, and looks without a great personality make you a hook-up.

[_piotr]

Sole attraction based on looks is not good, but you and many exaggerate that point.

0. Many physical attributes are extremely important. Ability to have children is physical property of a body and it is still very important to both partners.

1. Without physical attraction I can have only friendship.

2. If I would have partner that I will find not attractive I would be unhappy, and thus also make her unhappy.

3. I would not want to live in relationship in which partner would not find me attractive, ant probably vice versa.

4. It is natural design of world that partners find themselves attractive. Other are artificial.

5. Personality can also change with age, due to mental illnesses. Intelligence can decline also. Hard life, war, accident may change a person.

6. Even if someone gets old, he/she still has features that I found once beautiful. If I found someone beautiful once, there is large chance I will find them nice looking at old age. If I hate someone's look I will always hate it. It takes usually decades for looks decline.

7. With age the need of sex and importance of appearance declines naturally by itself. by the way. Looks is is usually not the only thing that keeps relationship together.

8. There is chance of accident, yes, but allow people to take their chances. There is large probability nothing wrong will happen and that they will enjoy their looks through many years. And when it happens, then they they need to resort to the other qualities, but that is a loss, a negative thing, do not pretend it is a good or neutral one!

[TwinTonyz]

I'm working on what's becoming my strongest relationship yet. When we'd just started getting comfortable with each other, I was not all to attracted to her physically. I felt awful about that, and rethinking that mindset just makes me feel shameful. She was such a snug fit into my lifestyle, personality, heart, and mind, but then I kept waning interest because of how she looked. I don't know when I looked past that. There wasn't any aha moment. Just, over time I considered everything she had to offer more valuable than what she might've been lacking. Frankly, if we'd done things like everyone else and just operated on physical attraction and not this crawl from meeting online, to finally willing to travel to be together, I don't think we'd have found what we'd found. She's wildly different from every single woman I've ever met. Looks aside I crave her more than ever.

[Cherry234]

Some physical attraction is important. I agree with your last sentence. Basing a relationship only on looks is shallow. You have to have some physical attraction but you also have to have mental and emotional attraction. It's true that people's bodies go through changes, especially as they get older. When you really love someone, you stick by that person's side and appreciate his/her character more than looks.

[DarkCarousel]

While I agree with you that physical attraction may not be the best basis for dating— this is written as though you’re putting down all of these people.
“…gorgeous girls become ugly in less than 3 years when they begin to wrinkle in old age…”
”…makes you infertile…”
”Your beautiful body could become ugly with 3 inches of added belly mass to your stomach area.” Seriously… it sounds like you have spent a long time critiquing people. Maybe your intent was going with your headline but this is just emphasizing something else entirely.

[shaysh87]

why do you think divorce is so common nowadays? people marry the wrong partners. then 10 years. later , they have to actually face the person they married (for who they are). So then they realize they're not satisfied with the person they married. This is why they ditch.

People who will tolerate a funny guy with lacking character.
People who will tolerate good looking girls with bad character / habits.

Eventually they will have to face the person they married, not the person with the hot body or beautiful face.

[Newbeginnings]

All the time people fall in lust with someone who isn't necessarily right for them. It usually leads to a relationship based on sex and not much more. But if you're looking for something with longevity, you need more substance than how someone looks to form a genuine connection.

People with a sense of humour instantly become more attractive, and some people who have it all when it comes to looks open their mouth and they become a 2/10.

But you do need to be physically attracted to your partner for the relationship to be healthy - no matter how long you've been together. Something about them needs to be special to you, whether it's the dimples when they smile, or their confidence in who they are. They don't need to be model material, just look after themselves and have their own uniqueness.

[Carolus]

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and in my opinion, it’s to an individual’s preference (what one deem to be more important). To me, physical attraction, personality and material factors are equally important (on average basis). Intelligence as a personality trait saves the day as an individual knows where to compromise the other since our reasoning capabilities differ and can’t have everything in one individual. Physical attraction play a big aspect in an individuals sex life. I have to be attracted to a woman sexually for me to wanna sex her the rest of my life otherwise shit gets boring and old. Failed sexual attraction is a contributing factor to cheating.

[SynthKobra]

I somewhat disagree. I need to be able to want to procreate with you before I invest my time in you. I work very hard maintaining my body. I'm not going to be with a woman who doesn't do the same. Just general fitness. There is more associated to that than just looking good. It shows discipline, strength, caring about your health and of course caring about looking good to your partner.

With that said, I've rejected a girl (recently actually) who is pretty hot. But she is always high and she likes to flaunt her body online. To each their own - but that turned me off. I'm allowed to have standards for myself and being hot does not give you a pass.

[Yurrasis]

I agree. Looks can contribute, but it's not something that should be the sole purpose of a relationship. Having standards is normal and being hot does not excuse a terrible personality, etc.

I find working out as a form of self-care too. It conditions your mind, body and disciplines you.

Looking presentable is just courtesy. Similar to how you would arrive at an interview dressed more formally. Just maintaining an appearance that shows you take care of yourself is good enough.

I don't require someone to be hot. Someone that can keep up with my lifestyle and energy is more than enough for a relationship.

[shaysh87]

what if this is 15 years later, and no matter how hard you work out, you still don't look good? you're wrinkling, balding, losing muscle mass. Should your girlfriend start checking out hotter younger guys who still have bright skin and shining full head of hair? what if she starts thinking about dumping you for someone who looks better?

Basic form of physical attraction does smatter. but it cannot be your everything. Looks eventually WILL fade and you will end up being left with the person, not the person with the hot body or face.

People who overly value physical attraction in a marriage , do not tend to make good lifelong spouses.

[Yurrasis]

@shaysh87 I don't think this person is saying looks are everything. From what I'm reading, they're just saying that they want someone that is willing to put the same amount of effort they are putting into self-care.

If you were replying to me, I know aging is inevitable. Appearances is definitely not something I'm referring to when I'm looking for any kind of relationship (friendship, romance).

Besides, growing old with someone sounds lovely. People look beautiful regardless of how saggy they are when you love them.

[shaysh87]

@Yurrasis

From my experience observing folks over the years, people who put a lot of importance on looks , do not make good spouses. You can trust me on this.

[shaysh87]

@Yurrasis

The only reason why I made the reply was because he said that he considers himself too out of the league of someone who doesn't look as good as him. The right person who is suitable for him, in terms of compatibility , personality, character, chemistry may not necessarily be within your league in terms of looks.

I think that many people forget that there is no perfect person. You can't expect someone to have the right looks, personality, character, everything. By rejecting folks who you don't see as "within your league", you're forgetting what truly are the most important qualities when it comes to searching for the right life time partner.

The survival of a marriage is based heaviest on chemistry, character, compatibility.

By this, I'm not saying that he should marry someone he has absolutely no physical attraction to. There has to be some sort of physical attraction. But it really cannot take top priority above other more important qualities.

[Yurrasis]

@shaysh87 Ahh, I see. I fully agree with the compatibility, chemistry and character aspect.

Appearances are still important to an extent however. I don't seek for the pinnacle of perfection, but I would like the person to make decent effort in looking presentable. It's the bare minimum I ask for.

By presentable, I mean I don't want them to be a slob, unhygienic and clearly lacking self-care.

[Yurrasis]

@shaysh87 But yeah, relationships (friendship, romantic) should never be depend on appearances.

Shallow relationships like that are not healthy and I have never seen it last long with a happy ending.

I don't think I can commit my time with someone like that either. Just seems so empty.

[shaysh87]

@Yurrasis

Why do you think marriages don’t last nowadays? It’s because people marry the wrong person. Until 10 years later they finally force themselves to truly see the person they married without the looks , without the hot body. They end up realizing they’re not satisfied with the person.

Many people who overlook flaws just because their partners are gorgeous , will only find themselves in a difficult situation years later when they realize they aren’t happy with the person they married.

[shaysh87]

@Yurrasis

There are many people who would tolerate or overlook certain flaws because he’s funny / charismatic. It’s not only until years later that these flaws start looking bigger And bigger , causing issues. They start realizing they’re unhappy

[Yurrasis]

@shaysh87 Woah, hold on there. I understand what you're saying but it sounds like you're treating me as if I said looks and charm is everything.

I never said appearances is my top priority. It will never be. I just said that I don't want a slob who doesn't maintain proper hygiene (self-care) or someone who doesn't put an effort in dressing for an occasion. Would you hire someone that comes in dressed up like they didn't treat the interview seriously? No, it's a bad first impression.

It's normal for people to have preferences anyways. You have your own type just like everyone else does. Someone that doesn't take care of themselves in general isn't someone I want.

As for marriages, there are many factors that lead to divorce. Looks can be one of them, but some people fall out of love, realize it's not working out, people change, or married for assets. I'm not ignorant about this at all. I'm very well aware of it and treat it seriously.

I consider a lot of things when I think about dating and there's a reason why I haven't dated yet. I can't tell if they're only there for my looks or what I can 'offer'.

What I'm looking for is the love my parents have for each other. My dad loves our family a lot. He's very patient with our flaws, gets my mom the littlest things she never knew she needed and even gets me hot water ever morning. We all know how to appreciate things. That's only a fibre of what he does. My mom supports the family with her own career. She makes sure to not fully depend on my dad.

I want a man who will love me unconditionally for the rest of our time together. Someone who will mutually put in the same amount of effort I would in the relationship.

If you want to continue this convo, just dm me. I don't want to flood this guy's reply section lol.

[shaysh87]

@Yurrasis

In order to love your family forever, you need to firstly be compatible with your spouse. It doesn't matter how much chemistry you both have, if you both are not compatible or if your partner has big character problems.

This was the message I'm trying to convey from my last reply

[SynthKobra]

I simply said ai value someone who take care of themselves. That is a deal breaker for me and being obese turns me off. Character and personality and values obviously have a role in this. I even said being hot doesn’t give you a pass on having bad habits.

[Yurrasis]

@SynthKobra That's how I read your response too. You mentioned being hot doesn't give them a pass. That means looks aren't everything to you.

[shaysh87]

@SynthKobra

I got a “stuck up” vibe from your answer. Often times people won’t directly admit they really are on the inside.

[SynthKobra]

I fail to see how my answer was stuck up, I think I was pretty clear what I meant.

[shaysh87]

@SynthKobra

you meant what you meant. And I got the impression that you were stuck up. If you're stuck up, just admit it, don't hide it. I don't see whats the problem with admitting that you are stuck up

[SynthKobra]

Because I’m not? I’m well aware of my flaws and believe me, stuck up isn’t one. Wanting a partner who takes care of themselves physically isn’t being stuck up its called having standards. Perhaps you are projecting some kind of insecurities onto my statement? I’m not sure. But keep thinking that if it makes you feel better I guess

[shaysh87]

@SynthKobra

the impression that I got was you're a ripped guy demanding that you deserve a hot girl just because you know you look hot.

Understand that there the most suitable person for you, may not necessarily be as "hot" as you.

[SynthKobra]

I get it. I dates a girl who was seriously overweight but I liked her personality a lot. However as I stated before, there are certain habits associated with taking care of yourself. This girl, despite me loving her, had a lot of issues that made it very difficult to continue. On top of that there came a point where I couldn’t get turned on. I wasn’t in good health at this point in my life either so I guess it made sense.

Hot is generally relative and I also stated it doesn’t give a person a free pass to have bad habits, like the girl I didn’t pursue because I cannot be with someone who is high all the time.

[shaysh87]

I'm not saying that you should date girls who are seriously overweight. You're not obligated to date anyone you're not physically attracted to. But the impression that I got from what you've said was: you work hard to look hot, so you deserve someone who looks equally as good as me.

Physical attraction will always matter. but when you say things like hot people should only date other hot people. Or if the guy looks like a 9 then he deserves a girl who looks at least an 8. This is what I was referring to.

[shaysh87]

The right suitable person for you in terms of personality, compatibility , character may not necessarily look as good as you. By doing this, you're eliminating many people who are the right fit for you.

[SynthKobra]

Well yea, I think I do deserve someone who has the same principles as me (being fit), that isn’t being stuck up just standards. Stuck up would be like “fat bitches better not even BREATHE in my direction!” Or thinking girls I wasn’t attracted too had zero value as humans. If a girl i meet matches all my other standards and isn’t a gym rat thats cool. But general health and fitness is a must for me

[shaysh87]

From my long experience talking to people online , Nobody is gonna directly admit they are shallow. They usually put it in nicer terms such as “I only date people who take care of themselves”. That’s why I assumed you must be one of those

[SynthKobra]

Understandable. Like I said, you can have your opinion. I stand by mine.

[shaysh87]

@SynthKobra

there was no opinion being discussed on here. Its just the question is that I may have mistaken your stance or maybe I haven't. I don't know you personally so nobody will ever know.

[RealMarek]

I tend to think there are some aspects to attraction that we don’t fully understand yet. Some studies show that scent might be involved. There is firm evidence that some features that tend to be found attractive signal health and fertility. Physical attraction might help facilitate emotional bonding. Also, in my experience, a lot of times the level of physical attraction increases or decreases based on the quality of the relationship. I have seen couples who are elderly still find each other physically attractive and I think it has to do with the quality of their relationship at that point. I understand wanting to avoid shallowness, but there might be good reason to want some level of physical attraction when entering a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't agree more..
Jesus Christ. I dont know how people date people purely for their looks. How fucking exhausting and disrespectful to oneself is that. People, who say that looks are more important, are shallow and vain and haven't had their life lesson yet.. Ted Bundy and Jack Ripper were both not unattractive individuals... Plus, looks fade for everyone, sooner or later, so if you date or get married to someone solely cause of looks that's a recipe of disaster and leads to broken marriages. Obviously I'm not saying that you have to date someone you aren't attracted to, but some people have unrealistically high standards and view women and men just as Barbie and Ken dolls

[garykingg]

Guys are mostly flexible when it comes to looks, so we are more open to date almost most women given that they compliment our personality. E. g. a masculine guy will want a feminine woman and vice versa.

Women on the other hand are quite hard wired to physical attributes that are good indicators of good genetics e. g. jawline, height, face symmetry, skin color, eye color, face shape.

Standards for men have always been high and only the best looking men get 80 present of all women, which makes sense cause that's evolution at play.

Guys its pretty clear that it's better for men to stay single in the long run.

[garykingg]

That's great advice, you rock man!

[Mossberg500]

Obviously, but we all have to have some level of physical attraction to a person, otherwise there is no romantic or sexual sentiments looming, not in the beginning and likely ever if there is no physical attraction.

With that being said you are correct in that it should not be the primary goal to seek out the most attractive. You need to find a friend of the opposite sex that you are emotionally attracted to based on their personality first, looks second.

[monorprise]

It really comes down to the fact that our instinct and emotions are hundreds of thousands of years behind modern reality.

Today for example the most financially secure and successful people work in IT and such fields, they tend not to be the most successful with women thou.

[TransAm85]

Truth. I've been with my husband 11 years, married almost 9, and neither of us look the same as we did when we first met! Sure, our personalities changed a little bit b/c we got older, but the love hasn't diminished. I think after being w/someone for a long period of time, it becomes a mutual understanding! lol

[BruceJender]

What a load of nonsense: Physical attraction is what gets you through the door, and physical attraction leads to emotional attraction.

Without physical attraction, whether that's from the first encounter or throughout an established relationship, the latter will never last.

Physical attraction is extremely important.

[SecretGardenBlood65]

My mom always said that if a man is in love with your beauty, that man's love is temporary. but if a man loves your heart, temper and character, that love is permanent. You should never love a man because he is handsome or rich. A handsome face is not permanent. His wealth vanishes like soap bubbles. Love the man who has always been by your side all your life. Be loyal and loving towards him. you always be an obedient woman to him. my mom always tells me this.

[garykingg]

You mom will tell you that, but even you and your mom probably have more priority on looks than anything else.