The flaw in attraction and commitment

[ObviouslyBored]

I'm sure we have all been there quietly sulking as the sexy waitress/waiter, cashier makes eye contact with your mate smirking and handing over the change. I'm sure we have all silenly coward at least once in the presense of a man, or woman with the physic you could only dream to have. We have all upped our daily make-up routine, workout routine, changed our attire, or bedroom tactics in an effort to outdo the competition and ensure that we can not be dumped, cheated on, or insulted by our lover. We have all been through at least one psychological fight with self esteem and relationship security. I am here to tell you that everything you thought to be securing your space and fail proofing your relationship is wrong, DEAD wrong.

It doesn't take much of a genius to figure out that as humans we desire attractive mates. Attractive mates have been scientifically proven to improve mood, increase estrogen and testoserone. We are hard wired to crave sexy. The second part of attraction comes in the form of compatibility. We are unconsciously drawn to those that share our interests, opinions etc.. We match up based on attraction and compatibility and from there relationships can be created. Over time deeper bonds are made through forms of kissing, sex etc... The more the two understand one another the deeper bonds become. Somewhere in the bonds made over time jealousy and insecurity come in. Concerns of being alone show up, concerns under a wide aray of feeling silly that you could be the only one they want.

Many relationships I have personally advised on have the simplist form of defense in any instance of a threat. Three silly words. "I look better." I can't tell you how many times I have listened to a guy, or girl gloat in all of their relationship insecurites about how good looking they are. They have a bigger butt, better boobs, legs, hair, bigger dick, skin color even. My favorite form of gloating being the fat vs. thin debate. I have almost heard it all and read it all in the form of looking better than said threat. I am here to tell you a harsh, cold, hard truth.

NO ONE CARES HOW SEXY YOU ARE. YOU CAN STILL BE DUMPED AND CHEATEED ON!!!

Let me comprise a small list of all of the stunning women that have been cheated on

Halle Berry Ciara Jennifer Aniston Jennifer Lopez London Charles Jenna Marbles....All attractive in their own way.

The desire to make yourself the most marketable is a good investment to make as long as you are making these moves for the right reasons. Making the decision to cut your hair, lose weight etc.. Should all be made because YOU desire the change.. not because you think it will secure your place in any relationship. People cheat because they WANT TO. If your looks, weight, fashion choices, "made" them cheat that is a lie. The person cheated on you because they are selifish and perhaps they can keep manipulating you into believing that you are the problem. If they were truly that unhappy with your physique then they would have left! I understand that it is hard to believe that with your 12% body fat and bubble butt he would cheat with that pasty chubby waitress, but guess what? He did! You may not believe she cheated with that scruffy looking douchbag, but guess what? She did! Nothing you could've done or said would have kept them faithful because they are a selfish ass.

You are worth respect and loyalty. Wait for the right one!

[kheserthorpe]

Statistically, most men say they cheat with women who are less attractive then their partner.

That is not true for women. (going beyond looks

I suspect there's some gender specific reasoning here.

It is true that there is more to commitment then how you look. I think when dating, cheating is usually about a partner being selfish. There's just so little reason for them to cheat versus breaking up.

When it comes to married people with kids, there are major breakup obstacles, and you'll see many more people who never cheated dating, cheat during their marriage. It might be a selfish act, but there's more going on then just 'they're selfish'.

[ObviouslyBored]

That gamble I'd not worth the reward of a warm hole/hard prick. A Pissed off deceived and lied to partner will stop at nothing to get back at the cheater. Honesty will evoke the same hurt, and anger, but I doubt they will go to the same lengths as they do after an infidelity.

[Creole_Flavor]

I have always known this which reminds me of a question I asked before about why women always attack the looks of a woman that their bf cheated on them with or even if he didn't cheat and you broke up and he is with a new woman. Girls always have this she does not look better than me or you cheated on me with that mentality. It's not about looks that is not what is going to keep a man nor will it be the reason he cheats on you or with someone else. Good take!

[ObviouslyBored]

People tend to slap simple reasoning skills on complex issues. I laugh at these silly people. Maybe the lover carried him through troubled times and carried, birthed two of his children. Maybe he respects his loyal wife. A simple bitch with a hot body will never understand respect. Tisk..

[Creole_Flavor]

I know what you mean they just don't get it and always assume that a man is driven by looks but they can cheat for emotional reasons as well. When a man matures he realizes that when looking for a life partner beauty is skin deep and a lot more things matter than that. A lot of pretty girls get too much credit for their looks and start to forget or was never taught about how much personality and values really count.

[soneoak]

Hmm, could do with a be of objective framing. When you state conclusions verbatim without reasoning, they become hard to swallow and start appearing very subjective.

People who have read similar articles don't remember them point for point, and having this kneejerk reaction to reading something 'seemingly' congruent tends to stick.

However, once you've learnt logic and philosophy, you can unstick yourself and become more objective.

I guess what you meant to say is that Attraction does not equate to commitment.

That is true.

Commitment is a shared value, it comes as a reciprocating value set, meaning to say, it doesn't work when only practiced by one party.

This is opposed to personal value sets like 'clealiness', that can be practiced efficiently by an individual, alone.

Commitment can be influenced, it requires both parties. The important part however, is to know how to LIMIT appropriately where your responsibilities are.

You can only do so much to help with commitment, the other part rest with the other party.

Us human beings are logical, we do things with good reason to believe they would have an impact on the outcome of things. Sometimes our theories are not right, and reality corrects us for it. In choosing to re-frame our theories, we should do so with objectivity rather than subjectivity. Afterall, assuming that our solutions are always right would result in consistent failure should they REALLY be wrong.

Life will deal its lessons until the lesson is learnt. For some that could take forever. Others give up long before they find the right answer.

I don't think you're too happy with the answer you're getting at the moment, you seem to convey displeasure about your answer, and it doesn't feel right.

The last concept to mention is 'fairness'.

Certainly we aim to start each relationship with enough fairness, and then maintain that fairness afterwards through negotiations. Changes in appearances can be negotiated. Too.

[DocT1977]

Very good article. This is why when I was dating, I was careful not to make hotness a consideration when it came to finding the right one. The key issue for me, was their character. If they flew straight, and they weren't into games, and believed that sex only belongs in a (to the least) committed relationship, Then I had plenty to work with. However, If people made the choice to string me along, Go with other people behind my back and lie about it, Those were deal breakers. It should be all about character and knowing your worth and the refusal to sell yourself short.

[DocT1977]

And just to add to that, when people use their "hotness" to land multiple bed partners, The day will come and their looks will fade and when the gravity of their situation sets in, Their little black book will start to become empty, they will grow old, and used up with nothing left to offer any self respecting man. Sorry, Truth is truth.

[Mesonfielde]

Technically I don't think cheating in itself is this "black". People cheat for a reason: they estimate it to provide bigger benefits, compared to the risk of being found out. So it seems like the better choice! But why would someone choose to cheat, but then stay in the relationship?
They could be compensating for not feeling loved, or maybe they were curious about how sex is with another person, who knows?
But it seems that maintaining the current relation is simpler than a new one. Hence why they don't break up instead.

So all in all, if your partner cheated, there IS a chance that you could have done better. But maybe even if you had done better, it still would not have been enough.

[Hannah591]

Good message! It's something that affects everyone and it's not thought about much, yet you captured it perfectly. I sometimes want to improve myself for my boyfriend, but then I remind myself that he should love me for who I am, he fell in love with me when I was who I was, not the improved version of me. Also, if someone is going to cheat, they will. It's just their poor decisions, you can't make someone do or not do something.

[kopperheadroad]

You gotta want to look good for you, i want to change for me but im still in the " oh y'a moto il show u fat" phase that kindcof attitude will take me places i dont want to revisit

[Scrambled]

Hot people cheat the most, why? Because they can. it must be an awesome world where you can dictate your sex life.

[YourFutureEx]

Good take.

[Anonymous]

good take.