Coping With the Single Life

[danceislife080]

The single life has been getting to me much more than I'll admit -- once again I've been ghosted by what seemed like a promising partner.

Things were going great, we were seeing each other over the last month and then he suddenly seemed to lose interest -- and I really don't know why. I messaged him a few times to ask what was up, but didn't hear back from him. So here I am, heartbroken in a way?

I'm sick of the "work on yourself" banter, as if I'm not good enough the way I am for anyone. I've been through some shit in my life, and that will always be with me in one shape or another. So I'll never be 100% for anyone.

I'm also told that I'm "such a great catch" -- I can say with confidence I'm intelligent, attractive, and have a good personality. But for some reason, here I am, single. Even when guys do show interest in me it doesn't seem to last long. I'll have a guy keen on me, and when I show interest back they seem back off from me. I've also been told that guys are intimidated, when a woman has a steady career, or has her life together. (Which I guess I have?)

So here I am. I want a partner so badly, and I don't understand why it hasn't happened yet for me. I'm not sitting at home stewing about it either. I'm putting myself out there in the world. So I can lead a single life -- it would just be nice to have someone to share it with now.

[Anonymous]

I hear ya. I'm 27 and about to be 28 next month and while I've dated and had sex, I've never had an official relationship of girlfriend.

I've been able to get lots of first dates, even get hookups or flings, but whenever I thought I was close to sealing the deal, it ends out of the blue or when a girl was interested, she was either a catfish (misleading pics) or she was too crazy/clingy. Neither extremes are good.

It just worries me because I see a lot of people getting married and having kids, and while I'm not wanting either of those, I have yet to have a girlfriend or relationship. It's like what is holding me back that isn't for others. And I'm not one of those people sitting there or whining about it, but I find myself in a repeat scenario it seems and it never changes.

But one thing I've learned growing up ever since I was a late bloomer and didn't have luck until i was 20/21 is that quality is more important than quantity. I've had my fair share of dates, hookups and making out but at a point, the number of girls you date/hook up with means jackshit. Same goes for friends too. It's not about the quantity but quality.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for most helpful guy

[Anonymous]

Ohh wow. This post is myself 100% I also need to know how to cope with it. Any ideas?

Like the poster here said I also will like to experience waht it feels to date someone, hang out, but not for the idea of getting married now, first first things, experience what is dating, and hang out with a guy, like many many mortal women do. I also am attractive, easy going, fun, but guys never seemed to notice me not even to ask me for a lousy cup of coffee, much less on a real date of course.

I mean I dont think I h ave to plaster a sign on my chest saying "Im single" to be noticed but It be nice to experience as Im not getting any younger and time flies fast.

[Charleslvajr]

It seems they lose their drive for you at the commitment stage of the relationship. So long as the "dating" continued without having to "make it official" everything was fine. I've seen a lot of discussion on this very topic. Guys are dodging commitment even more now then ever in history. There are several factors involved.
Cheap sex is always mentioned. With the hookup culture in full swing and sexual liberation the byword, who needs to commit to get laid? No one.
Commitment has a very strong connotation. It drains a person of their sovereignty. You lose a significant amount of freewill as soon as you declare as a member of a couple. The couple has to have consensus in order to proceed. When you're single it's as simple as "Do I have enough money for it?" and no more difficult.
Socially is another roadblock that could come up. Will the friends of this person accept that they are no longer available for their activities. This does cause more concern for young people then most believe.

In general the modern climate in the west is against commitment which leads to marriage in many cases.

[themon09]

here's something most girls aren't told and will probably garner flack. you are not that great a catch, you're at best average looking, guys don't find you to be interesting (your personality bores them). what you think of yourself when it comes to dating is completely and totally irrelevant, because if what you were thinking of yourself was true... you wouldn't be single.

guys are not intimidated by a woman with a career. guys find that to usually be a hurdle that complicates setting up dates, it yields boring stories about every little thing at your job that bothers you that we get an earbeating with.

So why it hasn't happened yet; most likely your assessment of yourself is inflated and your expectations are too high. guys your age are in the drivers seat. we have no biological clock, we're making decent money and can easily date from 18-mid 20s. you're competing against younger, prettier and less jaded options. look to men a bit older and lower your expectations if you're so set on a relationship

[TFXNYC]

The boat you're in is very crowded. Now I know that doesn't make you feel any better. But the more you stay too focused on finding that right person, the more the single years will go by. Do everything you can to enjoy life as a single person. That is, do what you love to do, even if you have to do it alone. There are more single people out there than you think. And I've heard all the typical advice you have heard. I love hearing "You'll make someone very happy someday." And I'm just thinking, 'yup as long as it's not you, right?' Well, sitting around and feeling bad about it will never improve your chances. It's always best to get back out there and mingle, meet, and interact. Keep doing it as much as possible. Sooner or later the law of averages kicks in. That's the only thing that keeps me going. Good luck and keep your chin up.

[Joelski440]

"You're so sweet" "You're such a good guy""You'll make someone very happy someday." And I'm just thinking, 'yup as long as it's not you, right?' Oh man I'm so tired of these cliche lines being thrown at me. You're reading a page out of the book called my life. After hearing these lines so many time I believe there insults now. Being good, or a decent human being! is bad now, boring & not a desirable trait.

[JustAnotherGirlie]

I mean I understand how you feel. But tbh, you gotta just live your best life. It sounds trite but what else can you do?
Everyone has a different path and as someone who has had very little dating experience, I can understand how your lack of partner can weigh on you. In this society, women are pressured to feel they need a partner otherwise they’re made to feel as if something is wrong with them.
I just hope you remember that these guys ghosted and it’s always a good reason they did. You don’t know what was happening in their lives and it’s 80% a good thing they left. Probably did you a favor. Keep setting your standards and the right one will come eventually

[Unit1]

I'm with you. Same problem here.
23, virgin, never had a girlfriend, never kissed and never dated. Not even holding hands! The cycle keeps continuing since the past years.
I try to make not such a big deal out of it and to just... Live my life.
After all there is no point getting upset about things, that are out of my control. So i just do what i want to do. Alone.

Maybe some things are just not meant to happen. Who knows?

[WTFliberals]

Its not only about you,
People in general don't like commitment, and that's why they run away.
There are so much insecurities between the sexes and it drives people to be less empathetic toward their partners.
We've become a generation of entitled bitches who run away as far as possible if we didn't like just one thing about our date. even if its means you gonna miss someone really worth it.
Hang in there and never lower your standards just because you are single.
And good luck.

[zagor]

That whole "men are intimidated by successful women" thing is crap, told to make such women feel better. It sounds like you just need to meet more guys to increase your chances of meeting the right one. Unless there is some issue your friends aren't telling you about.

[Little0ne91]

It's not always that easy. I've been out with 9 different men over the last couple months, had an amazing time with them. Been complimented by strangers how we make a cute couple (on the first or second date, not even a couple at this point)... and they all seem to fizzle out and die.
I think the biggest problem with dating now a days is we have so many options, and many women will sleep with a guy on the first date, when your not into casual sex it seems like guys lose interest incredibly fast. Or at least thats how it seems in my experience.

[Little0ne91]

people* not just women

[zagor]

@Little0ne91 How many of these guys did you sleep with, out of the 9?

[Little0ne91]

None. Bad experience, trust has to be built before I will sleep with someone.

[zagor]

@Little0ne91 Did any of them mention why they weren't interested in seeing you anymore, beyond the sex thing? Or did they just stop calling.

[Little0ne91]

Nobody's ever outright said it was because of the whole sex thing, but it usually happens once we get to the point where they ask me to their place (after the date). I'll usually just say I had an amazing night, but I do need to get up for _____ in the morning. Once it gets to that point if they stop messaging me I'll give them a text a day or two later letting them know I had fun and would love to do it again. Then it's usually ghost mode.

[zagor]

@Little0ne91 And this has been the pattern 9 times? Where do you meet these guys? Online?

[Little0ne91]

I tried online dating, that was actually a few of them. Have met a couple from my regular bar (i'm really into pool), and one I met at Guitar Center.

[zagor]

@Little0ne91 Yeah, it's hard reading people sometimes. Last night I went out to a microbrewery (they're thick as flies around here) and there were two cute girls and a guy sitting nearby. One of the girls and the guy left, and I was considering going over and talking to the one left, who was just playing with her phone, but I felt weird about invading her space. So I drank more and went home alone.

[Little0ne91]

I don't have any advice for you, but I do feel your pain. I'm in the same boat as you are, and it can be disheartening. I go out on a regular basis, meet new guys that start out promising and lead nowhere... and being single I can't help but watch all the couples and wonder how they got so lucky. What can I do to be in a relationship like that? Keep your head up hun, your not alone.

[BrittBratt2416]

Welcome to hook up culture, the land of commitment phobes and "no sex after X amount dates = immediately ghosted" these days.

[LegateLanius]

I've been single for so long that having a relationship would seem like a daydream

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation. I get every couple months and the negative feeling gets buried a while.

[Anonymous]

When would you say that this started to happen?

[Anonymous]

single life is the best