What it’s Like Being That Woman Who's Always Single: Who is the Issue Here?

[Anonymous]

I am a woman in her early twenties that’s been in one short term relationship. I seem to not get much (any) attention in social scenarios. I know of women that have men flock to them and have a list of suitors. This was never my reality.

I can see how this was understandable when I was a chubbier teen in high school. I have always had a low self esteem and knowing that nobody wanted to date you while some of your peers had it going for them made you feel terrible. I automatically jump to the realization that I’m unattractive. It doesn’t help that I’m reserved too.

Yet, people (not solely family members and female friends) give me a decent amount of compliments. This includes men too. My first relationship began around a year ago and it was with a guy that didn’t even fully meet my standards from a physical standpoint. He wasn’t romantic and what kept things going were his good sense of humor.

At the time of my first relationship and even prior (post high school), I lost all of that weight that made me repulsive and hoped it would lead to more attention. Guess what? I was still in this dry spell. Family members that I no longer speak to always ask if I have a boyfriend and how I should really get one because of how “pretty I am”.

Guys, what is so wrong with me that you all want nothing to do with me? Call me a shallow bitch for placing a decent amount of my preference on physical appearance to feel attraction. Yet again, don’t we all? Not as if I can become lesbian because women don’t look at me either😂.

Oh you know what else is frustrating? When people tell you that this guy was checking you out and when you later see who it was, it ends up being someone of your type. So, why didn’t they do something about it? Coward much? Or when you only attract guys that you’re not interested in. Cmon life, must you really throw that card at me after all the shit I’ve faced with other people already?

Maybe I’m not attractive after all and guys just feel like they’re too good for me so they stay away. Fair enough. Do yourself the favor. I’m coming to terms with my bad luck in love and will continue to be content with my own company.

[bamesjond0069]

Checking you out doesn't mean we want to talk to you. I look at pretty girls but sometimes I just think they look superficial (ie wearing all designer clothes and such) and that is not my type at all.

[Logorithim]

There is probably Nothing wrong with you, but don't just wait around for guys- Approach the ones you like.

[NineBreaker]

Personally, I don't approach random women, not because of having a fear of rejection, but I have a fear of "crazy". I prefer to vet people out before getting very close, and so far, this has worked well for me. I have met a couple of women in my day who are (on the outside) stunningly gorgeous, but are the type you would expect to strangle your puppy because she saw you flirting with the cashier at the pet store, when all you've been doing is buying some kibble for said puppy.

Look. One of the reasons why some women are single a lot is that their standards are unreasonably high and narrow, so if yours are, you might want to reassess them. It's good to have standards, and it's your right to raise them as high as you want, but you shouldn't complain about being single if they're so narrow, the only eligible man who meets the criteria is a prince; literally a specific member of a modern ruling monarchy.

Also, just because a guy was checking you out, that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to be in a relationship with you. As men, we are more visually inclined than women. He might already be in a relationship, or dating someone, but actually have the decency to want to be loyal to someone else. That does not necessarily mean that he is a coward.

I think, based on what you have said, you don't seem to have a lot of experience in dating. You said it yourself, "I am a woman in her early twenties that’s been in one short term relationship". You just need to work on yourself, and ask for help from someone to be an informal matchmaker. Have you tried asking a friend or family member to set you up on a blind date with someone they already vetted out? What about your more successful female peers? Why don't you learn from them what might be helpful for them that you might not be doing.

One final thought in this opinion: No one is obligated to approach you. You don't have to go out and ask random men, but you need to take the initiative sometimes. Seek the help of an intermediary if need be.

[lumos]

I was in this position not too long ago. Like sure, I'd get compliments on the reg from the people around me, I had a couple of guys tell me that they'd had a crush on me (but ofc years later when they didn't have the crush anymore) but the guys I liked never reciprocated, and other guys wouldn't randomly approach me and directly ask me out.
I figured it was me who was the problem. I wasn't putting myself out there enough. I didn't go to enough social events, I had trouble hitting on guys I thought were attractive (but who I didn't know very well) and just in general felt like I could be doing more for myself to make guys aware of the fact that I was available.
Got on tinder, talked to a few guys, went on a couple of dates, and one of them stuck with me and ended up becoming my boyfriend. All of that happened within just a few months.

"When people tell you that this guy was checking you out and when you later see who it was, it ends up being someone of your type. So, why didn’t they do something about it? Coward much?"

Why didn't YOU do something about it? If you want a relationship so badly, it's in your own hands. You have to put yourself out there, make yourself not just look presentable but also *feel* presentable. And that means you need to be a little social and outgoing. Approaching someone yourself is the best way to do that. Sometimes it's a hit, sometimes it's a miss. If it's a miss, try to not take it too personally. The other person can't help who they like or don't like, and that's ok - sometimes it has nothing to do with you, or you being "bad", it just means it wasn't meant to be.

So before you throw in the towel, at least try to put a little more effort into being active and putting yourself out there, rather than waiting around for the perfect guy to just fall into your lap and make all the right moves on you.

[Unit1]

"Why didn't YOU do something about it? If you want a relationship so badly, it's in your own hands."

That's just what I said too in her response. and I believe I got hammered a pink downvote by a certain someone here...

Well, expectations barely match the reality.

[NineBreaker]

6 lines in, and I realized that I'm going to upvote this.

[demonics]

there's actually very little useful information in this word salad.

We don't know what you look like
We don't know if you're a shitty person
We don't know how absurd your standards are
(5'2 160 lb daycare receptionist seeking neurosurgeon, age 35, no kids, in shape, must be 6'8, blue eyes, must speak 6 languages, must love tattoos, as I have 14, and must be within 20 miles of me.)
We don't know anything about you apart from 'used to be fat'

Yet you're seemingly lashing out at men for not asking you out... News flash, as feminists LOVE to say You don't own men, nor do we owe you something by virtue of your existence... You want a guy GO GET ONE. Use some of that (((empowerment))) and ask some dude out. You and your feminist friends should have a little pow wow about the modern dating world and how fucked it is thanks to them.

Why buy the cow when you can get the thots for free?
buzzsouthafrica.com/.../funny_jokes.jpg

[Unit1]

media.giphy.com/media/dC9DTdqPmRnlS/giphy.gif

Have my upvote 😀 for your very great response.

[Unit1]

That gif didn't show. Let's try it like this

https://i.giphy.com/media/dC9DTdqPmRnlS/giphy.gif

[Blunique]

The art of attraction. You are placing too much importance on dating. Dating isn't that important. Live your life. Work for something. Achieve goals. Get a job that pays good so you don't have to worry about money. Buy your own place.

Hang out with your friends and do fun stuff like going out, throwing a party at your new place, going to the club's or a concert. Taking up hobbies and creating passions.

There is more to life than just dating. When you aren't looking guys approach you. I once heard someone say, "You attract the vibe you give off. " You need to be in a good place with yourself. You can't expect dating to make your world magically better. Because if you start dating someone with a low self-esteem that person can easily break up with you and shatter you into a million pieces. But if you were in a good place with great confidence. You find someone and they break up with you, it doesn't hurt as bad. It doesn't destroy you because you are secure with yourself.

I'll tell you right now. I am not looking to date and I get a lot of guys approaching me. It really works. Improve yourself. Feel good about yourself. Hang in there and you are fine the way you are.

[cclulu]

When I was still single, sometimes, I feel similar to your post. It does hurt feeling like “what’s wrong with me?” Or “I think I’m amazing, but how come I’m still single?” Lol.

When we focus too much on comparing ourselves to others or not getting enough attention, we only put ourselves down in an unhealthy way. Instead stop comparing yourself. Just accept it and learn to love yourself better. Enjoy your life and don’t expect to get with someone is when it will surprise you. :)

Sometimes, the right guy just hasn’t arrive yet in our lives. But we can take that time to continue to make ourselves happy and glow. Maybe have a new learning flirting skill when you see your type. Just give him a smile and look away, then look back at him is one low key flirtious way hahaha. Have fun with flirting and dating! When we take it too seriously, we only put ourselves down. Take it seriously when you encountered the guy you think you wanna be with and it has been a while!

I’ve actually seen girls who I personally don’t think are so pretty yet they have so much attention. It’s not always on just how you look, but the vibe you give. Your humor, your kindness, your charismatic, and etc is what also attracts people. But if you’re shy, that’s fine too. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. Instead focus on being the BEST VERSION of yourself and I’m sure guys and peers will notice it ^^ goodluck!

[Rashad]

I'm going to first answer the question on your headline, most girls are single because they are really hard to get along. They are not submissive, they are like men! and when they are unhappiest is when they are looking for a man that has some what of a alpha characteristic, becuase thats what the society sells them, that they should try to date/mate alpha type of guy. however, that is not true for most cases. some woman have leadership characteristics and they need a guy that will be lead, with very little character.
Now, going into your post, In rare occasion a person is single because of their physical appearance. unless they are 200 pounds and are looking for a super model alpha male. Then they will be single forever, because alpha male wants something that they can be proud of and its very hard to be proud of your girlfriend when she is lazy to hit they gym or watch her diet.
just because a guy out, tat doesn't mean they are attracted to the girl. most men just look just to look, with out any meaning. and can sometimes look at someone not thinking "how hot" they are.
my recommendation, dress with more sex appeal. and maybe try smiling and seem more fun to be with, instead of looking like a sad girl.
wish you best of luck
P. S. insecurity in a girl is as attractive as confidence in a guy.

[virginbish]

bwahaha why is insecurity in a girl as attractive as confidence in a guy?

[xxashiaskxx_]

@virginbish I would like to know that as well

[virginbish]

@xxashiaskxx_ lets wait patiently *hands you some twizzlers*

[xxashiaskxx_]

@virginbish oh thank you! 😆 😀 *Munches*

[Rashad]

Because alpha men like naive girls, a pretty girl that is insecure is much more attractive! Then a pretty girl that is full of her self, the attactivness plummets right away!

[xxashiaskxx_]

What if a girl is confident but not full of herself

[Rashad]

It depends what she is confident in, and how she carrys it. I feel insecure girls are easer to get along, and are better learners. They are not blocked by their ego!

[virginbish]

i dont think you are seeing the complexity of the matter when it comes to insecure girls & confident girls.
insecure girls: they still have an ego and never tire of getting angry over little things that step on that ego. They will be extremely jealous and want the man all to herself, and alpha men dont like being controlled or held down.
Confident girls are not the same as stuck up girls... they still have an ego, but the confident girl is sure of herself, so when someone or something tries to affect her, she doesn't get affected. She's emotionally stable and that causes less drama.

in terms of how they receive affection, that has noting to do with insecurity or confidence, people still always crave to be accepted & loved no matter what. Both girls can very well be aggressive with how they receives & give affection, or they may both be gentle & kind.
in short... its more complex than how you are describing it

[xxashiaskxx_]

@virginbish I'm insecure but I don't act bad haha xD

[virginbish]

@xxashiaskxx_ dude im insecure too xD
but i just wanted to paint a bad light on some of them... b/c not all insecure girls are the same. Some really have it bad and can't control their emotions, others are insecure and use it as a way to improve themselves & would just like some validation from the people they love.

[xxashiaskxx_]

@virginbish that's right :D and yeah there are some pretty bad ones out there

[A-man-22]

Let's me note out some red flags in you post.

1.'guy that didn’t even fully meet my standards from a physical standpoint.'

Why did you even date him then? If you just going around dating guys you are sure you aren't going to be happy with why try? You are just wasting his time and his confidence.

2.'Cmon life, must you really throw that card at me after all the shit I’ve faced with other people already?'

Not willing to even try something different.
Sure you may be crushed mentally but if you keep doing the same old thing the same results will happen to you.

You know the definition of insanity.
Doing the same thing over and over again expecting something to change.

Learn to approach guys.

You get to choose who you approach so there is no, bad dates physically.

You can befriend different guys to see what you like.

A massive flaw in female logic is dating the same type of guy over and over again.
It won't change.

The most successful women in dating know what they like in a man and chase them.

Unsuccessful women wait for randomness to choose for them and then throw it back in people's faces when they don't like what was given to them.

[WhitePanther88]

Your obviously doing something wrong. You have standards that are too high and need to aim lower closer to your own level. Remember a high quality man that is your type may only be looking for sex from you rather than a relationship or not even that. There are a lot of chubby women out with overly high dating standards due to inflated self esteem and self worth because some high quality man needed to dock his ship in her port during a storm.
If you want a guy go get him don't wait for the moon and stars to be in alignment.

[Nyx_85]

How is not wanting kids a bad thing... I agree with all the other points though.

[myTake Owner]

@Nyx_85 yeah seriously I don’t want kids

[WhitePanther88]

@Nyx_85 it's a bad thing if your partner wants kids. A lot wealthy older divorced guys with kids would be perfect for you though they will always put their kids and ex wife first.

[Nyx_85]

I don't want wealthy older divorced guys.

[WhitePanther88]

@Nyx_85 well that's up to you

[Nyx_85]

Dating a single parent is really hard. I've been there. And being someone that knew from a very young age what they wanted regarding families it doesn't seem fair to be with someone who can only give a fraction of what I can give. You understand the reasoning but still...

[WhitePanther88]

@Nyx_85 these guys have grown up children

[Nyx_85]

Yeah but they are still old. I want to grow old WITH someone... not be visiting them in the nursing home when I'm still healthy and able to do things.

[Nyx_85]

I know two ladies in their 60's whose husbands are in their 90's. They have to take care of them and are pretty much personal nurses. Ew no thanks.

[Nyx_85]

Also they're going to die and you're possibly left alone for the last few decades of your life. If you want to find someone else well... good luck!

[Unit1]

"Guys, what is so wrong with me that you all want nothing to do with me? Call me a shallow bitch for placing a decent amount of my preference on physical appearance to feel attraction."

That highly depends. Having preferences is OK. Refusing to date because you *really* want only men with blue eyes and at least 180cm in height makes you or any woman by definition a shallow B.
I don't shame these women however. They're doing it to themselves after all.

"Oh you know what else is frustrating? When people tell you that this guy was checking you out and when you later see who it was, it ends up being someone of your type. So, why didn’t they do something about it? Coward much? Or when you only attract guys that you’re not interested in."

Oh, so this is why you're always single. That's unsurprising. Keep doing that and you'll keep getting the same results.

Hint: Your Attitude and lack of reaction.

[MrNameless]

Assuming you take care of your physical appearance...

Here are some possible reasons:

1. Your standards are too high and may come off as too entitled
2. You come off as unapproachable/not friendly and possibly rude
3. You may not have a good personality and don't come of as confident or the other spectrum-just arrogant/stuck up
4. You are boring

Work on yourself and don't assume guys will approach you all the time. If you want something in life, you have to go after it. Not wait for it to come to you.

Best of luck

[fallen_wings]

something related happened to me too. I was really extroverted but defended myself to a bully (guy) and nobody talked to me (even Boys. They lietary ran away from me). I became introverted and shy. My family asks me why I don't have a boyfriend and that im pretty too. My Friends told me someone had a crush on me, but as the way I was, I didn't want to communicate with him.
I guess it's because of the way you became, but of course anything can be fixed. It's good you changed physically for yourself! Be strong!

[Apearl4U]

I feel like there are a lot of men and women who go through periods of being single. Some dry spells or being single are just ways we are learning ourselves. Whether its mistakes, or a past love, or just simply lack of self confidence. I personally never know what to say when someone says well "your so pretty, how are you single" . So my opinion on that is some people like the time they get to themselves, and I personally wish I never got the question. It makes me feel like I'm already in the wrong.

[Lochlan]

Be up front with a potential mate, set boundaries, and pick one up that you want. People are not always syncing to be on the lookout and women must take hold on their own terms if they don't want to shame dudes on making a move out of bounds. In terms of mindset, humanity is not at a point of hivemind, regardless of the social media echohouse. You must express your soul to survive, share in the opportunity that is presented, be vulnerable when necessary. Not all guys think of there being an opportunity. There is doubt. And a multi-dimension moral-physiological--emotional-sensible analysis going on that may hold them back. People may have doubts, but sometimes, if it's just right, you reach out. Or, panic and say to yourself, "hell with this, go home and touch yourself". Haha.

[TrixiePooch]

Well, since you won't show your picture I can't honestly give you an opinion about why you are having problems. My theme song in high school was "At 17" by Janis Ian, all broken out and sitting at home, so don't feel too bad. Of course I., like you, have blossomed, but old self esteem issues are sometimes hard to ditch. Maybe we don't show much exuberance or something, I don't know. Maybe our self esteem issues show even though we try to keep up a cheery front. I've had guys tell me I have a weird face. That really boosts your self confidence. I'm not afraid to post my pic even I was called "chip monk" in the past because of my pudgy cheeks. You could probably see it better if I had my hair up like I do when at work.

[KenM9215]

not that my opinion probably matters too much but I don't think you have a weird face. I mean to each their own I guess and I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I would really like to see what those guys would say to how your face is "weird". You have a perfectly fine face to me.

[Wraithofsparta]

I just wanna pinch those cheeks

[Nyx_85]

I'm seeing a lot of whining, self pity and blaming going on here. Look if you can't find anyone to date you then the issue is you. Not them. I'm willing to bet that even if they find you attractive your general attitude and the way you present yourself isn't attractive to most men.

[VaIiant]

Well, its clearly your "Im a dainty woman and I cannot approach a man!" demeanor. We don't know what you look like, apart from you used to be overweight. We cannot tell you if you're pretty- family members, friends, and even others lie constantly about someone elses attractiveness when the topic is brought up. What are you going to tell them, that theyre ugly?
"Coward much"... You seem to be the coward, if you're so unwilling to talk to men first..

[Anonymous]

I haven't seen you so I can't comment on your looks and I haven't met you so I can only infer your personality from your post here. Unfortunately there is a high correlation between looks and relationship success in women though it isn't everything. Women tend to be capable of attracting partners simply by the fact of being a woman. If you are having little success it could be any number of things but I would recommend researching attractive behaviours as these can make a big difference for both men and women. Lastly, you may want to consider that the men who will settle for a girl who isn't particularly attractive aren't the most confident and may need you to approach them. Really though, even if you are unattractive you can make yourself far more attractive by adopting positive behaviours and attitudes which indicate self worth. I wish you the best in finding the relationship that you want.

[Anonymous]

Bitterness is an aura we pick up on, and I avoid people with this aura. If you look like you're mean spirited, I avoid. Simple as that.

If you want to be attractive to guys, not only physical appearance is important. A girl can be good looking but get ignored if she has an angry scowl in her soul.

I'm not going to say you are the angry type of person, this sounds more like frustration. But in this day and age where standards for both sides only continue to skyrocket, nobody can live up to anyone's expectations anymore. You may think your standards are ok, but they're like everyone else's: Too high.

And no magazine is going to tell you to lower your standards. If everyone thinks highly of themselves without any humility, a society can die off in peace.

I'm sorry you've been ignored, but you've been doing a fair bit of ignoring too. You get what you give.

[msmelb77]

I can 100% relate to this !!! I am told by both men and women that I am reasonably attractive. I am an introvert who works a job dealing with the public. For me to make money I have to be friendly and attentive. I have gotten better dealing with people now that I am older but I am still horribly shy and socially awkward. When I was younger most people got the wrong impression of me because of how quiet I was. They assumed I was stuck up and bitchy because I didn’t talk much. Forget about flirting lol. I am horrible at that to. So I think I never make things obvious if I am attracted to someone and they see I am a closed off keep to myself kind of person. I think that puts people off and made me unapproachable. I don’t know really that is just my guess. I do open up eventually and get more comfortable to talk and be myself but that doesn’t help me when usually the first impression is not so good.

[myTake Owner]

You’re in your forties? Still single?