I did not expect the response I got from my last take in the amount of questions I received.
With this take, I’m going to try address the most prevalent question.
How, do you find and keep the girl?
This is obviously a rather fluid question as every person is different. There is no one correct answer. There is also a wealth of information on this site pertaining to that exact topic. But, I’m going to give you my “secrets.” These are not “do A, get B” things. These are more of a complete life change process. I have done a complete shift in my views and outlook on life in general. I honestly don’t think there is a way of getting to where I’m at without that paradigm shift.
At the very start, I was rather fortunate as I could use my camera as a crutch. It allowed me to talk to women who were there to be photographed. Once that captive audience was gone, I had to adapt, and change. So this is how I did that, and how I maintain to keep quality people, and women, in my life.
Because of the questions, I decided to do this in two parts. This part will show how I started the process, and what I do on a regular basis. The second part will show the steps I went through to actually meet quality women on a continuous basis without the aid of a crutch (my camera).
So, let’s begin.
Do a self inventory. Know what you are not good at, cannot change, and accept it. I’m not a tall person, and have great difficulty in gaining muscle mass. I can’t change my height, and my metabolism is so high I can go to the gym and work myself to death, and not gain anything. Those are the cards I was dealt; they are not an excuse for not meeting someone.
Accept the hand you were given, and stop using it as an excuse. Stop blaming others for your own shortcomings. There isn’t some conspiracy out there against little old you. The world as a whole can care less about your state in life. The only people who think you are special is your mommy and daddy. Depending on your personality, maybe not even them.
If you can’t accept this stop reading. The rest won’t help.
Change what you can. I have difficulty in gaining muscle mass. Doesn’t mean I can just laze around. It’s not an excuse as to why some girl won’t give me a chance. I can at least tone up what do have, and maybe gain a little bit. At the very least I can keep myself healthy. Yes, I’m the scrawny guy over in the corner.
I’m not rich; my job won't make me rich. So, I don’t live beyond my means, and don’t pretend to have more than I do. What I do have, I am very selective over, and I take care of it. I don’t waste money on things I don’t really need. I also look for ways to earn extra cash, with the talents I do have. I write books (yes, I’m a published author), I’ve written movie scripts, I’ve written music which I sell on select sites, I’m currently building a massive e-commerce web site.
I get a few dollars for the music and books I’ve done. It might total to $150 a year, so it’s really nothing to brag about.
Take inventory of what you can change in your life. Then find out the steps to make that happen.
Doing these things also makes for interesting stories, and little surprises for her to find out about you. Not to mention you become more intelligent different topics. Just do it right, and don’t half ass it.
Do some interesting things. Want to skydive, find a school and do it. Want to race motorcycles, find a school, and do it. Scuba diving, rock climbing, dancing, art, go find a class, find out how much, and do it. I’ve done all these things, and more by finding a class, and doing it.
Yeah, I got laughed at when I signed up for a dance class. But, they didn’t laugh when I got on the floor and could move without looking as though I had some kind of convulsion. The women also liked that I could actually dance.
I was called crazy for wanting to race motorcycles. But, I came out of that experience with lots of stories. I also took a precision driver course. Cost about $1500, but I can drive a car to the point that any passenger will be checking their shorts when I J-Hook park.
Get out of your house, get out of your comfort zone, and do something. I find it really annoying when people just dream. They talk a lot, but never do. If nothing is happening your life, who’s fault is it?
Live below your means, sell some stuff, get a second job if you need to, save your cash, and go do something.
Make real changes. I sat down and looked at my life. I wasn’t happy with it. I felt stuck, things were just not happening. So, I set out to really change it. I thought if I could just have one perfect day, I would be okay. So, I came up with what my perfect day would like, and I detailed it out. When I would wake up, what I would have for breakfast, the things I would do. It was fully laid out, in detail.
Then, I set out to make that happen. One step at a time, making each thing become a reality. Now, nearly every day is a perfect day. My days are planned with work in mind, but I get up at a certain time, eat what I planned out, go to work, come home, and I accomplish what I want. I actually get things done. My days are enjoyable, and not a chaotic mess of life just coming at me.
This takes work and effort. It’s not easy. But, the rewards pay for them self in making you a much happier person. It’s about taking charge of your life, and making things happen instead of simply reacting to what life throws at you. Women see this, and many want to be part of it.
Sure, some could care less; others may be intimidated. But, from my experience most want to just be involved in your life. You are different; you make things happen.
Clean up your life. This is huge. No girl wants a man who doesn’t have his act together.
Learn about fashion and design. All my clothes are custom made, and fit me perfectly. It doesn’t cost as much as you may think. Look online and find a company that is within your price range and order some nice shirts, jeans, pants, and suits. Depending which company I choose I pay anywhere from $30 - 100 per shirt. Jeans and pants run me about $60 - 130 each. Suits run me about $145 - 250 each. Again, it depends on fabric and manufacturer. But, they are custom which shows my taste, and they fit perfectly. Even if you are a jeans and printed tee guy, you can still look good with proper fitting clothes.
I get one new item about every other month. Suits and jackets, one every 3 three months. I only need about four for a complete wardrobe, so this isn’t an ongoing thing. My leather jackets cost the most, but they last forever, and I really only need 2. They cost me about $300.
Learn about interior design. You get the girl, she likes your personality, and how you look. Then, she gets to your place, and it falls apart as soon as she steps through your door.
Now, I own my own house. But, I did live in an apartment for a while as well. So, this works no matter where you live. Clean the place up. If you don’t use it, if it’s broken, or doesn’t fit - get rid of it. It’s as simple as that. Don’t hang onto things you don’t need, or “might need at some time.”
This process doesn’t have to be expensive. It just needs to look good. It needs to show you actually put some thought into it.
Even if you live in a broken down part of the town, just clean the place up. A new coat of paint, some new curtains (yes, actual curtains), some colorful pillows, a few plants (fake if you keep killing the real ones), a few blankets.
Get some tasteful wall art. Even a nice scenic poster in a decent frame is better than a blank wall.
Get some lights. Different heights so the room can be properly lite. I use the Phillips Hue multicolor throughout my place. It can set the mood, and I can also turn on, off, or dim different areas as I want. I got a starter set, then just added a few bulbs as I worked on different rooms.
Once your place is cleaned up, make sure it smells pleasant. An oil diffuser, scented candles, or diffuser reeds work well. If you’re a smoker, open the windows, and go over everything with an oder neutralizer like Lysol occasionally. That smoke smell builds up, and is unmistakable.
Warning: Don’t go over masculine on your place. You want her to see the place as somewhere she could potentially live, and feels comfortable in. Your place should not say “Welcome to the bone dome.”
What you do to your place also pertains to your car. Clean it up, and keep it clean. Trash, spills, dirt, and strange smells should not be a staple in your car. It can be old, but that doesn’t mean it should be dirty.
For me, I own a simple Honda Accord Sport. White with black interior. It’s clean inside and out. It gets washed at least once every month. Once every three months I detail it, inside and out.
Everything has a place. Keep it in that place.
Bathrooms and kitchens.
Again keep these places clean. If you have old worn out towels, replace them. Little by little if necessary.
For the love of God, get a trashcan with a lid on it for the bathroom. Scrub the tub, shower, and toilet area. Get some nice throw carpets. Again, they don’t have to be expensive, but pleasant. Once a month wash the shower curtain if you have one.
In the kitchen it’s good to have matching dishes, and flatware. I searched all over and found what I wanted. The dishes cost me $68, and the flatware cost me $32. Not expensive, but they are unique. I knew what I wanted in terms of shape and colors. I didn’t just settle; I kept looking until I found what I wanted. I got rid of all the old stuff, and replaced it.
Cookware. Buy some and learn to use it. Nothing is worse than if you invite a girl to dinner, and all you can do is use the microwave, reheat, or order out. Learn how to fix a proper meal. Look online, watch some YouTube, or some cooking shows. Buy a cookbook if you need to. This isn’t difficult.
I bought a complete cookware set for around $148. Then slowly added to it over time. I use sites like Epicurious.com to plan out meals. It even does a shopping list for me. Doesn’t get much easier.
You can also do the same for alcoholic drinks. Get a set for making some mixed drinks so you can offer a bit more than water, soda’s, and beer.
Music. This is probably something I get complemented on the most.
Music sets the tone for nearly everything. So, I have an ace in the hole with this.
First, thing I should mention is that I did tons of research on setting up my living room and lounge areas. I researched speaker systems to death, and finally selected the Sonos system so it can play, or transfer to, every room. But, this works with any system since everyone is nearly wireless now a days.
First, research your music so it has a theme. Don’t invite her over, and then slam in your favorite hardcore tunes. If you both have the same music tastes that might work. But, you want the music to say, what is not being said.
How do you do this? The first thing is to set up your playlists. I have three different playlists with unique names. So when I ask for them to be played, she is intrigued by the playlist name. My main playlist name is “Obsolete Magic.” That playlist has a theme of losing, and finding love. It has slow songs, as well as upbeat songs included in it. The list is more than long enough for an elegant night out with a length approaching over five and half hours.
Finding the songs takes a little research. It’s not like what you would think. You don’t just go off recommendations based off two or three of your favorite tunes or artists. My secret is movies. Yes, I get my playlists from movies. I know some of you are you are like “that’s not a secret.” Guess again.
Listen for the background music in movies. Most of the background music is never really heard. We know it’s there, but it doesn’t really register with us, because our attention is drawn to what we are seeing and dialogue. Most people don’t know where I get my music from or say then never heard the song before. Until I tell them it was in a rather popular movie. Even then they say they never heard it. Not every song is listed in movie credits, so many seconds have to play to get a credit listing.
Why does this work? Because music is fully researched for movies for eliciting a certain emotion, based on the scene. We hear the music, but it doesn’t really register; it just elicits an emotion. Which is what I want the playlist to do. Think about it, you listen to a song, you almost always think of a certain event in your life.
What movies? Chic flicks. Yep, you will have to watch some chic flicks. Nothing over 10 years old. Keep your selection somewhat recent. You may find some songs in your preferred genre, but they will be rare if you are into horror, suspense, or action flicks.
If you run into some problems finding the music used in certain movies or shows, the internet is there to help. There are several sites that you can use to look up what music is used in movies and TV shows. The sites sometimes tell you whether you can get it on Amazon, Spotify, Pandora, or other services. I personally use Amazon Music Unlimited because I found it has the most songs available.
IMDB is okay for some music, but it mainly lists those songs listed in the credits. To find the other songs, or songs in certain scene I use Songfacts.com or TuneFind.com.
So, you got through the prep phase. Oh, yeah that was just the preparation phase. Lots of studying, lots of work getting your own house in order. Now, you have to put it together so it becomes part of who you are in your everyday life. All of this is you, and identifies you.
People easily identify who I am, and what I’m about when they first see me. Those who know me can easily point me out me in a large crowd, and describe my personality. Everything matches from how I walk and talk, to how I dress, and keep my life in order. Everything is congruent and doesn’t change, unless I want, and allow it to change.
My personality matches how I dress, which matches my vehicle choice, which matches my home decor and music choice. Everything lines up; nothing is out of place. No one looking at my life would have to stop and think “where did that come from? Something's wrong, it doesn’t fit.”
All this work will show the girl you choose to be with that you are mature, and you have your life in order. You can actually handle a mature relationship, and she isn’t just a fling.
Does all this have to be completed before you go out to meet the girl of your dreams? Not really. You just need to make continuous effort to get it all done. The more you work at it, the more success you will have. It’s the entire package, not just one part.
You can have a great personality, but dress like a school boy, drive a car that smells like old burgers, and your place has dirty laundry all over. Or, you dress nice, but your house is wrecked with tacked up posters of bikini models, the latest Avengers movie, and stained furniture.
It just doesn’t work. One area just doesn’t match the rest.
How I did it.
I started by just cleaning. I got rid of everything that I didn’t need. All the junk I had collected was tossed. People thought I had lost my mind.
Then, I went on a journey of changing myself. This took a year of coming to terms with who I really was, and what I wanted to be. I made up mind that enough was enough, and I tackled things I wanted to change. Then, I started the real outward change. This really started while I still a photographer, maybe a year into it.
My wardrobe, I started with two shirts, and one pair of jeans. Then slowly added to it as I could afford it. I got heavily into looking at men's fashion, then selected a style genre that fitted me. From there it started to come together. My style is uniquely mine, but fits within the men's classic style.
My wardrobe was the catalyst for the rest of it. My place just didn’t fit me anymore. So, I looked at really shaking things up and expanding my comfort zone. The place was near empty anyway.
Repainting, adding color and different textures to the living areas. Moving things around, and decorating, so it really reflected my own personality, and who I am. About a month in, it started to feel much better. Over time, it’s unmistakable that my place truly reflects me, but is still open enough that women can see themselves staying here.
The music came about when I was watching a movie I had watched several times. Then, I heard the background music, and I wanted that song. I finally tracked it down, and added it to my playlist. That was when I paid more attention to the music in the movie, other than the major themes and credits. I just kept adding to it.
My music at the time was a jumble of stuff. The girl I was going out with at the time was riding with me in the car when a section of my playlist hit my movie selections. We were talking, and she wasn’t really paying much attention to the music until that section. Then, she turned it up, and started making comments on it. This kept happening with other girls that I had dated. That’s when it hit me. There must be something to it.
So, I came up with separate playlists that were themed, and the music was selected from primarily movies, and a few television shows. Playing the themed list versus a jumble of whatever actually set a better mood. Conversations flowed more easily, along with in-depth talks about the future.
Hopefully, I have answered many of the questions. This really isn’t supposed to be a “how to” but more of a guidance on how I did things, and what I do. I wanted to give you enough information that readers can take it, and made it their own while still knowing it is not some type of magic bullet. It’s work, sometimes hard work.
I wouldn’t change the rewards though. There is no way I would back to how things were before I went on this journey. I hope this will help you in your own journey to finding what you have been missing.
Stay tuned, I’ll have the second part up soon to address the rest of the questions.