Dating

Is honesty still the best policy?

I have been dating online for nearly 6 years now. I've had some good dates, some bad dates, and some "meh" in between. I have enjoyed and mourned the loss of two relationships, and have made brief and lasting connections over this time. I can say with confidence that I have learned quite a bit over the years.

There is however, this one practice about which I am uncertain in the realm of online dating, or even traditional (is it still even possible?) meeting and dating. "I'm sorry, but I just don't feel like I am ready to date."

Life Happens
Life Happens

I can say from personal experience, and from the experience of friends, that this is definitely something interested parties do not want to hear. Let me lay out the reasons:

1) We are interested. It does not really matter what the reason for rejection is, we don't like it!

2) We all like to think that we make time for what we are interested in, and 0 interest = 0 time.

3) We like to think that honest rejection (while it may still disappoint) is much better than a line.

So why do we do it? I say we, because let's be honest, if you have matched with someone and for whatever reason you lose interest, there is a decent chance you have made this excuse. There are probably tons of reasons why we default to this that I could not possible tackle in one take, so I will attempt to break down a few of the most common.

1) Guilt -

Crumpling under the pressure - stock photo
Crumpling under the pressure - stock photo

No one wants to feel guilt. From a man's perspective, we tend to personalize each rejection. Some may have the fortitude to move on, some may fall into a pit of crying and misery, and attempt to exact some for of reasoning or revenge for rejection. For the poor soul latter, this often leads to manipulation by guilt trip (seriously don't do this). No one wants to feel that crap, so more often then not, rather than suffer through endless separation texts with a stranger you have no vested interested in, why not avoid it with a line that can't be challenged, has nothing to do with you, and avoids the guilt trip discussion altogether? We don't owe each other anything since we are strangers right?

2) There's a legit reason -

I cant right now
I can't right now

It's easy to make every rejection about us. We live in this world through our lens, and are each the star in our own life movie right? Absolutely, but you would be best served to remember that until you connect, you're not even an extra in theirs. Having said that, there are often legitimate reasons that again have nothing to do with you, and whether you like it or not, you have to respect it and move on. If that person really thinks you can connect, they will leave an opening for a connection later down the line when they feel they can.

3) Avoiding confrontation -

Dont want to deal with this
Don't want to deal with this

This is a lot like guilt. Some can't handle rejection, and lets be honest, men are by far the worst offenders here. I have one or two acquaintances that have been very guilty in the past of not taking it and moving on. Some get whiny, but some also get aggressive and confrontational. They don't know you, and even if they did, who wants to deal with that? So again: "I just don't feel like I can date right now" or "I had something in life come up and can't spare my attention to dating" often feels like a valid reason to reject someone over "I'm sorry, I just don't feel it" or something of that nature.

For whatever reason someone tosses out that line, I think it's very important to remember that it's not about you. Even if they lost interest, were not attracted to you, or matched with someone more interesting, it's still not about you. Take a moment to breath, give your self esteem a hug, recognize the badass you will be with the right person and move the hell on with your life.

Im actually really awesome
I'm actually really awesome
Is honesty still the best policy?
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