But I don't want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies. All I want is someone to believe. -Billy Joel
I did online dating in 2007 and 2008, and I started online dating again in January, 2015. I am one of those guys who actually reads profiles; I don't just look at the pictures. There are a few things that appear in profiles repeatedly:
1. Single women wants to take long, romantic walks on the beach;
2. Single women want to vist Paris; and
3. Single women all want a man who will be honest with them.
Walks on the beach: Yes, I enjoy it when I do it, which is about once every 2-3 years, and I live within 25 miles of the beach. If all those women were walking on the beach as much as they claim, there would be deep ruts in the sand, access would be rationed, and the beach would be closed once a month for repairs. Perhaps this has been a bit overstated in some profiles.
Paris: I've never been. If I do go to Paris, it will probably happen once in my lifetime. That's the way it is for most people. When you are looking for a mate, why would you make a fuss about a one-time occurrence when there are so many more important things that are in the daily landscape of our lives?
Honesty: This is what I have come to talk about. Virtually every woman says she is looking for an honest man. Why wouldn't a woman say that? Is she going to have a profile that says, "I want a man who tells me big lies so often that I never know what to believe."?
Why are you entitled to have a partner treat you with honesty in a relationship? There is nothing in the Bill of Rights, nothing in the Constitution, nothing in statutory law anywhere that requires a person to be honest with their partner. When the law required that you prove your spouse was at fault if you wanted a divorce, "he lies to me constantly" was not sufficient grounds to have your marriage dissolved.
Honesty is a moral and ethical obligation. You need not be a pious saint nor even a religious person to accept some code of ethics or morality. There are certain aspects of morality and ethics that are universally accepted with any paricular culture and those minimum standards enter into our social contract. That is the understanding we all have that our culture will accept us and allow us to derive the benefits of living within our culture if we, in return, agree to maintain certain minimum standards for our conduct.
Honesty in personal relationships is one of those things that we have some expectation of receiving because that is how our society is constructed. But, by having that expectation, we also assume an obligation to give honesty to our partners. This is one of those rules that seems to be remembered more in its violation than in its observance.
Male: "Hi, this is Troy. Would you like to go see a movie with me Friday night?"
Female: "I'm sorry. I need to wash my hair Friday night."
* * *
Female: (in a text after the first date) "I had a great time! I hope we can do it again soon."
Male: (replying to text) "Me, too, but I'm going be out of town for the rest of this month."
* * *
In both examples, one of the two has no interest in seeing the other one and they use "little white lies" to "avoid hurting the other one." What's wrong with that?
1. Every time you tell a lie, you make it that much easier to tell the next lie.
2. By justifying the lie, you maintain the self-deception that you are an honest person.
3. You have not really spared the other person's feelings. Not only have you rejected them (which is an unavoidable part of the dating experience,) but you have also lied to them, and they know it.
If you justify lies because it is more convenient for you, why should anyone listen to you crying after your next breakup when you caught him lying about his relationship with his previous girlfriend? Guys, if your girlfriend knows that you justify lies when it is convenient for you, you are going to get the same treatment from her.
Most of us will not change the course of human events in this world, but each of us can improve our little corner of the planet. Stop accepting the excuses you give yourself and start being honest - completely honest - in your relationships. It takes a little more effort initially but it becomes easier with practice, you'll feel much better about yourself, and maybe you will become a role model for your friends and acquaintances.