Honesty ISN’T Always the Best Policy – Necessary Lies in Relationships

[RJGraveyTrain]

Alright, I know. I keep making promises to put mytakes out from my archives and I haven’t. I’ll be honest with you guys, keepin’ it 100: I felt super uninspired by G@G and truthfully found that things in the community were just getting a little too … negative. Along with just the typical life shit I haven’t kept up with writing (not that anybody cares I’m sure, lol) but I am back for a new mytake today. I should hopefully post more regularly but we shall see.

I truly didn’t know what I wanted to title this mytake, in truth because every title I came up with didn’t cover the full spectrum of what I wanted to discuss. But to put it simply I am here to attack the concept of “honesty is the best policy”, specifically when it comes to relationships, but I touch on every day situations as well.

Obviously, we all know the age old joke about never answering the atypical female question of “Does this make me look fat?” with anything other than an absolute fallacy. Little do people realize though that this concept may be more necessary in a relationship than they would ever expect.

Now, before anybody harps on me, NO: I am not saying you should be a pathological liar when you’re in a relationship, I’m not even saying you SHOULD lie if you can avoid it, but we are – ironically – absolutely lying to ourselves when we say that you have to be 100% truthful at all times in a relationship. It just isn’t realistic, and arguably, it isn’t even HEALTHY. We are completely deluding ourselves into thinking that any of us are TRULY 100% honest (you know you never just flat out tell people some of the more unfavorable but true opinions you have about things) and that lying is always a "sin."

Here's the breakdown:

The Truth Hurts

Sad, but … well, true. The truth can hurt sometimes, and while it can be beneficial to get that hard slap in the face that gets you back on the right track, being brutally honest can sometimes do more harm than good. The issue is identifying when it’s okay to approach a potentially hurtful situation with absolute honesty, or when to just let them go or even add a dash of sugar to what you have to say.

Let’s use an example everyone is familiar with: your partner’s weight.

Maybe your girl puts on say, 5 -10 lbs over Christmas because she’s been too busy to hit the gym and people keep putting food in her face. When she asks you if it bothers you, is it going to be a good idea to tell her that if she ever got fat you’d break up with her immediately? Even if you aren’t that extreme and just tell her that you DO notice, you know it’s probably going to set her off and she'll start doing that thing where she only drinks juice and eats kale.

What do you do? Well, without sugar coating it: you lie – or rather you sweeten the truth, ironically. You tell her that you didn’t truthfully notice, and that either way, everybody gains a little podge over the holidays, and that you two will get back on track TOGETHER when the holidays are over.

Does that really seem like such a horrendous mistruth when you put it that way? No, it doesn’t. If anything it’s a kind, understanding, supportive lie. Yes, it’d be awesome if everybody could handle the truth, but unfortunately that takes a lot of character building, and sometimes it’s just better and even KINDER to have your feelings spared, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable. When you’re in a relationship, as much as you want to believe that honesty is always going to win, you’d change your tune if you and your SO started just outing all of their little white lies. Trust me, finding out that your BJ skills aren’t on par or that your tuna surprise actually sucks can damage the shit out of your ego. Besides, the truth doesn’t only just hurt sometimes…

The Truth Can Get You into TROUBLE

We all learned this as kids; even when our parents sold us that whole spiel about “If you just admit it, you won’t get into trouble” garbage, it never ended well.

Sometimes being honest is going to completely blow up in your face. You know, like admitting to watching porn behind your wife’s back because you know she hates it, or telling your boyfriend that it was actually YOU who knocked over his PS4 and broke it, not the dog. Or, say, it was actually YOU that “lost” (spilled coffee on) the paperwork your boss was looking for?

Honestly (ha) you have to save your own ass sometimes. It doesn’t make you a bad person to lie every once in a while to avoid repercussion. Mind you, you really shouldn’t resort to lying to fix all of your problems – don’t think I’m saying that. You really can benefit from owning up to mistakes or things you’ve done wrong if there’s a lesson to be learned – but if the only lesson you are going to learn his that you’ll get your fucking head bitten off … you can justify a little avoidance therapy every once in a while.

But even then, half of the time, like I said earlier, you don’t HAVE to lie. Sometimes it’s just better to…

Not say anything.

Ignorance can indeed be bliss, occasionally. There really are times where it truly is better to just not bring up anything that could potentially cause an issue. Example: maybe you run into your ex who you ended on good terms with and you two grab a quick coffee while you run your errands. Nothing inappropriate happens, you don’t intend on anything inappropriate happening, but you get struck with guilt suddenly. Why? Because you know your girlfriend is NOT cool with you seeing your ex. If you tell her, she’s going to be upset, insecure, and it’s going to turn into a whole SCHISM in your relationship.

What do you do? You say … nothing. It isn’t because you want to be deceitful, it isn’t because you have any ill intentions – you just know that there is going to be ZERO benefit to your relationship. You’re basically saving your relationship unnecessary strain by bringing it up unprompted. Just don’t make it a habit.

Of course, I am not saying go out there, cheat and then just play ignorant. But there are times and places, in my opinion, where you honestly are doing the right thing by not bringing up something that could damage your standing with a person. Instead, learn from the (minor) mistake that you made, and move on. There’s nothing evil about that.

Now, before any of you ask if I lie in my relationship, the answer is predominantly no, but I have. I have lied and told my boyfriend that his burnt eggs were perfectly fine to spare his feelings, but ultimately I have a very honest relationship because I am lucky to be with a person who can handle brutal honesty. I wish I could have written a take about how to handle brutal honesty – but the truth is, is that there’s really no way to teach that to a person. I truly do encourage people to be honest, and have honest relationships. This take isn’t to tell you that you have to lie to get the most benefit out of your life, I’m just saying SOMETIMES … it’s justified. And there’s no reason to beat people into the ground for that. We all have to be a little more understanding, and realistic. That’s all.

I’m a little rusty so I hope that you guys still enjoyed this mytake, I know it was long. Nonetheless I hope you enjoyed it and I’m interested to see what you have to say in the comments below. Have a good one guys.

[Usersame]

I don't mean to be too hard on you, but all of this is, as far as i'm concerned, crap. I will elaborate.

The truth can hurt, but in all honesty it should. If you care about someone you want to encourage her/him to work on herself/himself.
If you are telling your so something, you can always not be too hard but still get the message accross. Example: You don't need to say "you're fat" for her to get a message she should loose weight. If you don't know how to say it, then you can hint it and propose to work out together, and encourage her. However if she asks, you should be completely honest (still no neet to just say "You're fat.").

The second part ("truth can get you in trouble") is complete and utter bullsh*t. In such cases the truth didn't get you in trouble, YOU got YOURSELF in trouble. Using your example of seeing your ex, you chose to do something you know your boyfriend doesn't like. Either grow up and take the consequences that you saw coming, or don't do it in the first place.

Again, i don't want to sound harsh, but i want to be honest.
Honesty IS always the best policy. You can't rationalise your way out of that one no matter how hard you try.

[RJGraveyTrain]

I don't think my writing is crap. I also don't agree that being hard on someone is ALWAYS the best option. Sometimes you do need to exercise tenderness and caution with someone's feelings. Also, like I keep reminding people:

"Now, before anybody harps on me, NO: I am not saying you should be a pathological liar when you’re in a relationship, I’m not even saying you SHOULD lie if you can avoid it."

And I gave an example of how to address the issue in a helpful way where I actually did exactly what you suggested:

"You tell her that you didn’t truthfully notice, and that either way, everybody gains a little podge over the holidays, and that you two will get back on track TOGETHER when the holidays are over."

It's absolutely not bullshit in my opinion either. Also, that has nothing to do with the second part. That's the third part, where I say if you make mistakes and bringing it up isn't going to change anything, it's okay to say nothing.

We're just going to have to agree to disagree

[RJGraveyTrain]

I also advocate that it is actually better to be honest, but the concept that the occasional white lie, etc, is not just this evil and horrible concept.

Besides, I don't think there is ANYONE on the face of the planet who has been 100% honest their entire lives in every single situation. Ultimately you should strive to be honest, but realistically, not everybody always is.

[Usersame]

I'm not speaking about how it's written, i was writting about the content and the message you're trying to pass. Caution is always good, which is why instead of being mean and saying "you're fat", you can try to avoid the question or soften it up a little (like you wrote, for example).
I'm not saying people should never ever lie, sometimes you have to. But when you do, you take the responsibility when people find out and suffer the consequences like an adult. Relationships are no exeption. I personaly never lied in any of my relationships, and when they ended i got the credit for being 100% honest all the time. I didn't have many relationships, but each ended in a friendly way and we stayed on good terms. Every single time my complete honesty was mentioned as a breath of fresh air.

The problem with the *third part is that you know you made that mistake. So you get twice the blame when they find out, plus feeling guilty until then that will effect everything in between.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Well then we basically have the same opinion if you're plain admitting sometimes you do have to lie, which is what my whole take was about, so I fail to see how it's all crap and bullshit. :/

[RJGraveyTrain]

And like I keep telling people, I don't advocate you lie, my only point in this take was to show people that there are situations where I understand why people do, and why it isn't always terrible and it doesn't make you a terrible person for doing so, because sometimes there are in fact good intentions.

Overall I advocate that you're honest.

[Usersame]

Because lying in relationships is not the same as lying to get ahead in a line in front of starbucks. Relationships are investments. People like having stability when they invest their money, imagine how bad it can get when you invest feelings.
Practicaly, lying in relationships is never good because it will come up sometimes. Even if you're ten years married with two kids, your lie will change the opinion of your spouse about you. Ever heard of a line "i married a stranger"?

Again, as far as relationships go honesty is always the best policy. It's not rational to claim otherwise.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Again, like I keep repeating. I am not saying people SHOULD lie in relationships. I am simply of the opinion that sometimes, you can spare people's feelings. And like I said:

Now, before any of you ask if I lie in my relationship, the answer is predominantly no, but I have. I have lied and told my boyfriend that his burnt eggs were perfectly fine to spare his feelings, but ultimately I have a very honest relationship because I am lucky to be with a person who can handle brutal honesty. I wish I could have written a take about how to handle brutal honesty – but the truth is, is that there’s really no way to teach that to a person. I truly do encourage people to be honest, and have honest relationships. This take isn’t to tell you that you have to lie to get the most benefit out of your life, I’m just saying SOMETIMES … it’s justified. And there’s no reason to beat people into the ground for that. We all have to be a little more understanding, and realistic. That’s all.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Ultimately though you are entitled to your opinion.

[Usersame]

It doesn't make you terrible if you lie in a relationship, it makes you human. But in my honest opinion, it also makes you a weak human. You lie because of fear, because you don't want to take the responsibility for what you did. I was never in such a situation, because i like laying out the rules when stuff gets serious.

Then again all of this just might be me being an emotional cyborg applying efficiency everywhere i go, but it's very effective.

[Usersame]

Hah, in your case of "burnt eggs" i'd say smth like "meh, it's fine" if i thought it's fine. If i couldn't eat, i wouldn't. But i'd throw in a "whatever, it happens" because that's not a big deal. So i'm still being 100% honest. :D

[RJGraveyTrain]

I get what you're saying, and like I said I don't think you should lie. I personally don't think you should lie over something significant. But like my boyfriend and the egg example: he busted his ass, not knowing fully how to cook. He burnt the shit out of my eggs. They weren't good, and he asked me if it was awful. It was the beginning of our relationship and he tried so hard, so I said they were fine, but I'd help him with learning how to cook eggs better. That, to me, is fine.

Texting your ex behind your SO's back? Not cool. Even the situation I mentioned, the third one, a one time experience like that, it's not a big deal to not bring it up as long as you realize it's not okay, and not do it again. If you continue doing it, that's fucky.

[Usersame]

So practicaly you lied for no reason... I even see a golden bonding opportunity there, and you missed it. You're not very rational are you? :P

[RJGraveyTrain]

I don't think so but to each their own? Lol. I did teach him how to cook eggs though.

[YourFutureEx]

Watch a movie called "Liar liar"

[Hellothere87]

This guy nailed it, for both women and men. Telling someone their fat is just not the correct way to get someone at the gym. You could say, I’m going to the gym, want to play basketball with me? you can work around that.

But dang, OP, thinks she can hang out with an ex and lie about it? Damn. I would NEVER do that to my fiancé or any girl I’ve been with. In my opinion, you shouldn’t want anything to do with an ex, they’re an ex for a reason - move on! Second, if you desire to see them, ask for permission, and that goes for both women and me. Third, if you’re going to see your ex and hide it, think about having kids one day with your CURRENT significant other... those kids may or may not learn (depending how good you lie and how much your SO trusts you), but why would anyone put coffee with an ex think that’s more important than cementing a strong family?

[Hellothere87]

In OPs defense, you’re highlighting the way many, many people live in their relationships. However, those morals are bullshit. Even if someone has done it in past relationships, they should not continue believing hanging with past partners and lying about it is ok - just because nothing happened. If you are in a relationship, that means you care about honesty, respect and the other persons feelings. You shouldn’t be talking to you ex in the first place, that’s fucked up. Second, you should have the confidence that hanging with someone from the opposite sex is not weird and tell your lover, if you don’t have confidence, then you know what you’re doing is wrong and live your present life with your lover. The rest is obvious.

If you have to hide any communication with the opposite sex from your SO; Your’e likely doing something that will concern your SO. AND, if it’s an ex, You’re looking at small bowl of fish who would be OK with that.

[reixun]

Reaction when I read title:
i1.kym-cdn.com/.../1156-chinese-cringe.jpg
Reaction when I read post:
https://i.makeagif.com/media/12-28-2015/X9-KXW.gif

[RJGraveyTrain]

Hahaha thank you.

[YourFutureEx]

I wish I could also turn into a black from Asian after reading an article on web 😐

[Anonymous]

I've never been a fan of lying to someone you care about. I've always been a huge supporter of, "if you can't handle the answer then don't ask the question." And if they ask I will give them the truth. If they get mad I will just tell them that if they didn't want the answer then they shouldn't have ever asked. There's also a difference between lying by omission and not bringing something up. Not bringing something up doesn't mean you are lying. If I run into my ex and my girlfriend doesn't like me talking to my ex, me not telling my girlfriend that I ran into her isn't lying If my girlfriend asked me what did I do today and I told her everything except that I ran into my ex, then I am lying by omission, but if she never asked the question then I'm not lying just because I don't bring it up. Granted I would never feel guilty about running into my ex and even if my girlfriend hated me talking to my ex in any way I would also never lie about running into my ex. If she asks then I will tell her and if she gets mad that's on her. This goes back to the beginning. If you don't want to the answer, don't ask the question.

The last girl I was with had a problem with not telling me the truth despite how many times I've told her to always tell me the truth if I ask because I will always do the same back. I've never gotten mad at her because of what she lied about. I've always gotten mad at the fact that she lied in the first place. Half of those lies I only knew about because she admitted 4-5 months later. And although I didn't get mad when she told me because she was finally getting around to telling me the truth, it did make it very hard for me to trust anything she told me. It was that lack of trust that ultimately drove us apart. And the messed up part is. . . she would lie about the smallest things. And in my mind if she's willing to lie to my face about small things that aren't that big of a deal (therefore why lie in the first place if the truth won't even make someone that can't handle the truth upset) then when we get to serious topics that are a huge deal. . . how can I trust that she will tell me the truth.

So, from my standpoint. Never lie. That does not mean you have to tell them everything that happens in your life, but if they ask. . . don't lie. If they can't handle the truth then maybe it was never meant to be.

[bedroomdweller]

^^I agree

[RJGraveyTrain]

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a33422-honesty-isn-t-always-the-best-policy-ii-an-explanation-picking-the

Like I said, I wrote a follow up that I am passing around to save having to re-explain things, if you feel inclined to read it.

[Bluemax]

Here's a story about gentle honesty.

A friend of mine (not any romantic relationship ) asked me honestly if I had noticed if she had lost weight. I told her the truth. No, it seemed she hadn't lost weight. However, I never thought she needed to lose weight because she looked healthy and beautiful. The second part isn't a white lie. I totally meant it. However, she was in tears after hearing it and just kind of stomped off.

Now, about brutal honesty. I generally think that most people who tout their "brutal honesty" are not all that smart. Most of them resort to terms which will wind up making the other person defensive. Then they wonder why, after calling someone a pathetic whiney bitch, that person didn't listen to them. Or after a person is given a hurtful truth and starts to cry or be upset, they'll go all Col. Nathan Jessup and say how they can't handle the truth. In reality, that person is sad because whatever it was that was revealed to them is understandably painful and heartbreaking. They aren't necessarily crying because they can't handle the truth. They're crying because the circumstances are painful. My friend in the above example. I never thought that she was being immature. She was simply hurt because she had her heart set on losing weight.

I generally think you're an honest person, RJ. I also think you seem to be gently honest. That's a great thing, considering most people your age tend to be in the "brutal honesty" camp.

[RJGraveyTrain]

I think that's a better way to approach it. I think people have this idea that I'm advocating that people lie, but really I just wanted to address what I feel is a misconception that small "mistruths" or white lies are always "evil" and they subsequently make you a bad person. I don't personally believe anybody is totally honest.

[NexAngelus]

lol i am 100% honest with people... and i do believe it opens more doors than it closes. and at an early age i learned to enjoy the faces i get from others from my honesty. if i can't handle something i wouldn't do it. i only do things i like. i have an extremely strong will so i dont do things from peer pressure. but if a girl can't handle myhoensty than she does not deserve to have me. and if u still question me, i have "cheated" on one of my gfs before. a day later she asked me what i was up to... so i told her. to say she wasn't happy is kind of an understatment lol, but i guess she was happy inside that i was upfront with her. after she was done crying for a day she did pretty well besides on/off arguments about it normally from her friends who thought i actually made it up to start a fight with her... for some reason. they claimed no one would just say that lol. if someone asks me something, if i think they can't handle it, i will ask them, are u sure u want the asnwer. and if they say yes i will tell them.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Again, I don't advocate that people go around lying if they don't have to. As I've explained, the purpose of this take is to challenge the idea that lying is ALWAYS wrong. Most people are mislead by the title, which may have been my own fault for trying to make it eye catching. Lol.

[NexAngelus]

no i read it and i understood, the girlfriend is fat thing made it perfectly clear. they are called WHITE lies. thought of as harmless lies by most. i think starting to lie makes u open to lie more and more... before u know it u are lying about things u didn't mean to. i only tell the truth as another reason so i dont have to worry about what i tell people. as i only say what i have done/did. makes it easy when people try to claim i am lying to catch them lying :), since i know exactly what i have done and said at any time since there is no lies to look over before making a statement.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Yeah you have a point there. I think occasionally is okay but you definitely don't want it to become a habit, which is why I say you should never get into the habit of using lies to fix your problems.

[NexAngelus]

one thing i do find funny thought, chicks wanting "honest" guys is a lot different than honest as its defined. they want tell me sweet nothings and dont let me hear anything negative honest aka lie to me. which i find rather funny. i have sat there laughing at more than one person repulsed at my bluntness and lack of holding back on things... im always like... thats what honest means... not what u want it to mean :)

[RJGraveyTrain]

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a33422-honesty-isn-t-always-the-best-policy-ii-an-explanation-picking-the

I wrote a follow up to this take if you are interested. It explains all that I didn't fully explain here.

[Tdieseler]

Pfft... i could've told you that from the get go. Why do you think i call some females morons when they go "you have to be completely honest with me"...
now i go, "you mean, i should be completely honest when YOU want honesty"... because look at me, i am 100% honest with females and they frickin hate me for it. can't handle it. some dont like it, but after a while they get used to it... and dont come to me for any of those little lies.
Its a great feeling when a girl comes up to me and says "Diesel, im gonna ask you this because i know you will tell me the truth"... feels awesome lol
Told a woman once that men dont lie and she was like "pfft, yea they do" and im like men only lie BECAUSE of women, women WANT to be lied to. Have you ever heard two guys talk... its all honesty in there.. no pressure. But 2 girls talking to each other, its like watching two cats about to fight.. even when they are laughing together. what they say is not what they are thinking. Women are the biggest liars.

[bedroomdweller]

No question you put a lot of thought into this. Before I shit on your parade, I'll say this is very well written and you know think you are a good writer.

But obviously, I can't agree to this.

If a whore lies to a man, it's fine... you know why? Because she does things without any feelings involved. I don't think you would need to lie if the things you've done, you did it because you wanted, you couldn't control yourself, or simply happened. Because it's honest. You did something honestly. That is my policy of things, the-no-bullshit policy. When you do things with feelings and with no agenda involved, no matter how weird or embarrasing it might be just accept it. Only fake people that do things to scheme and with a certain intention lie, because they are full of shit.

You cannot build trust breaking the foundation of trust. It's not logical. Your arguments on lying are based purely on emotions. No matter how hard to try and rationalize them. The truth is bitter sometimes, and sometimes not but you don't hide it if asked. Sometimes you can keep things to yourself, until there's a moment to reveal the truth. But the main thing is not to lie. At least for me, I've done the stupidest of things, many times I've had to apologize because I feel guilty. But it was all honest or impulsive so it doesn't last long.

No offense, what you say here, women do it A LOT to hide their past. Because it may be ugly and don't want to face themselves, or because they know it devalues them in front of their partner or in the dating market. If anything I believe the biggest problem with women is how poor their accountability is. Is very sad and it has destroyed many relationships, because many women seem to not show any propensity for guilt.

Trust me men don't like getting into relationships wanting to remove anyone's mask. Just my two cents

[RJGraveyTrain]

Well like I've repeated: I don't advocate that you lie. I think people are taking the title and completely running with it. I don't think you should lie about your past either, which is why I don't use it as an example. I also don't suggest you base your relationship on a foundation of lies. I'm personally very honest in my relationship.

[RJGraveyTrain]

@Saoirse_Nua I think described it best.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Alright I realize I explained myself poorly lol so let me take another crack at this. Sorry for filling up your notifications.

Like I've said, I don't believe people should inherently go into a relationship with an agenda to lie. I don't think you should lie if it ultimately isn't necessary. Even the situations I provided, they were very minor things - if you seriously fuck up, you should own up to it and be honest.

I've been very honest for a very long time, and I have been that way in all of my relationships. But, ironically, I think people are lying if they claim that they are always honest. I'm not saying they're huge liars, but I believe we have all smiled when we weren't really happy, or said something was okay when it wasn't - and that doesn't make them bad people. That's what the purpose of this take was, to show people that we are all human. Yes, you should not tell straight up fallacies, and you should always aim to be upfront with your partner, continued...

[RJGraveyTrain]

but to try and support them by not tearing them down, even if it means holding back the harsher opinions you might have that could be your "whole truth", to me is not wrong. Saying: "I want you to lose weight before it causes an issue, and because I love you" may not be as true as: "I want you to lose weight because it repulses me", but realistically, one may actually be more helpful than another. I think EVERYONE picks and chooses how they present their truths, not necessarily because the people are just weak and can't handle it, but because sometimes the harshest reality isn't what is going to fix the issue or motivate a person.

Again, all in all, people need to be honest. 99.99% of the time you have no reason not to be honest with your partner. My only objective was to show the other side of that 1%, and show people that their black-and-white view of "this is ALWAYS wrong, this is ALWAYS evil" isn't true, and chances are, they are guilty of it themselves.

[Saoirse_Nua]

I know what you are trying to say but I agree it is hard to express correctly - Really good idea for a take - What advice can you give? - Know your audience and how much "Truth" is needed - Enough to keep the engine ticking over. most likely be economic with the truth on the ordinary stuff but absolutely truthful on the really important stuff - You are right I doubt any relationships are 100% truthful but successful ones find the right balance of honesty/little fibs.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Yes! 100% this.

[JohnDoe3000]

"Sometimes being honest is going to completely blow up in your face. You know, like admitting to watching porn behind your wife’s back because you know she hates it, or telling your boyfriend that it was actually YOU who knocked over his PS4 and broke it, not the dog. Or, say, it was actually YOU that “lost” (spilled coffee on) the paperwork your boss was looking for?"

Am I the only one who wouldn't get mad over things like that and would appreciate the honesty? I know a lot of other people aren't like that and before you being a relationship you probably don't know if your partner is like that, but I just feel like there are more important things in life and I find honesty a very attractive quality and a sign of respect and trust.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Like I said, I'm not advocating that you lie. But no one is 100% honest, 100% of the time. Those were just simple examples I gave of real life situations where I get it if people aren't totally honest.

But unfortunately, not everyone is going to appreciate honesty. Ultimately though, as I said in the beginning (and the end actually) you should ultimately aim to be honest. Though I say everyone exercise caution with how they put it.

[JohnDoe3000]

It's not that I don't get your point and I know it's unrealistic for me to expect to find a woman who has the same attitude as me. It's just that I don't think people should automatically assume their partner rather wants to hear a white lie than the truth.

[RJGraveyTrain]

I get what you're saying, you definitely have to pick and choose. Like I said to the gent below, @Saoirse_Nua got exactly what I was saying in his comment.

[brain5000]

Thanks for the Take. These are all good points. One other technique is sarcasm.

"Would you leave me if I got fat?"

"Oh never, my darling. Who doesn't enjoy an unlimited romp in the marshmallow bouncy house? Can I post your daily chin count on the refrigerator?

"Well, duh, what did you ask me for? What if _you_ came home one night to find I Am The Walrus? Would you sing 'goo goo ka choob' or 'oompa oompa stick it up your joompa?'"

But then again, perhaps this is why I haven't ever had a successful relationship, so I will shut up now. :)

[Octavius]

I appreciate your takes!

I agree little white lies here and there are good. Especially if it is to help the people you care about.

[RJGraveyTrain]

I appreciate you Octy, I appreciate you.

Exactly, I'm not saying go out there and lie all of the time. I just don't believe that it's realistic to believe that "honesty is always the best policy" and that the occasional white lie is some awful transgression.

[TokyoGhoulLover]

Aww. :( now i gotta get tummy ulsers from all the savage i'll be holdin in mama,

[RJGraveyTrain]

Let it out.

[TokyoGhoulLover]

('-' ) so i guess lonely cat lady it is.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Unless the cats turn into princes?

[TokyoGhoulLover]

Broooo that'd be so dope ('-' )

[MarkRet]

Sometimes my wife will get a new hairstyle or some new outfit, and ask me 'how does it look?'. I learned a long time ago that if you don't like it, you say 'it looks good', as opposed to 'I think it looks like shit'.

[Cosytoasty]

Actually found number 3 is the best "all round" policy. ESPECIALLY in that scenario you described. If i'm not asked for my opinion or a specific question i'll just shaddup.

I won't lie though (pun not intended), i'm one of those people where the more i'm pestered about something the less... sugar i'll coat it will until i just give it to em straight.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Exactly, everything I said is situation specific, and overall I do advocate that you're honest. Like I keep telling people, it's just not always EVIL to lie - I think it can b a total misconception.

[peachblossomluck]

Great points! I have found that people asking for the truth usually can't handle it anyway. I volunteer no information and pretty much keep things to myself. It's the wisest thing to do most of the time.

[Anonymous]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdtKbq3Omkw

Honest is the best possibility.

Example - Girls being nice to guy and constantly flaking on his offer to go out with her because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. When the best possibly way to go about it was to be honest, and it saves both parties from wasting their time.

Lying never brings about anything good.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Well that's a personal issue that I never addressed nor supported anywhere in this article so I think you largely missed the point.

[Tony1974]

Sorry RJ but you're lying again... to yourself! Self-delusions are the worst lies of all. The truth will always come out eventually; I'd rather hear the truth so I can do something about it than be oblivious to an issue.

I finally figured out why women want a man who is confident; they want somebody as delusional as them!

[RJGraveyTrain]

Lmao totes brah.

[Anonymous]

Interesting take. I think be honest though and be true to yourself, rather than living a lie lol.

But I get the gist of what you're saying. You're mytake was good, don't worry, lol on your last line.

Also decent profile pic, slightly turned on, can't lie.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Lol thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah it was a good take, good read with appropriate images. Made me laugh and informative.

You in your picture did erm, make me a bit hard, but that's ok, I'll forgive you.

[Unit1]

I still prefer honesty at all times. I have no time for illusions and delusions.
That is relationship wise.

But as for other people I care lesser about, I would lie in order to prevent heartaches.

https://youtu.be/MAwKTc2qCTg

[SovereignessofVamps]

I agree with not saying anything if you know they'll get pissed off. Learned the hard way to not give into emotion... but for the rest, just tell the truth gently.

[RJGraveyTrain]

I do suggest that as well.

[ObscuredBeyond]

I don't like outright lying. But... not telling the *whole* truth... is still an option sometimes. Only tell them what they need to know. Or with the right spin.

As for the weight question, I'd respond: "Why? I'm not going anywhere."

[Djaaaay]

Trueth... does only hurt the one not willing to partake in improvement of ones self. Therefore , the trueth is always the very best avenue to take and keep each other honest. without trueth , you give birth to more lies...

[RJGraveyTrain]

Again, I'm not saying "be dishonest", even in my example I provided in the beginning, it showed how to still help your partner without having to hurt them with brutal honesty.

[Djaaaay]

But you are being dishonest. And TRUST has just blow out the window. Relationships work with trust as a major priority. If you think that hurts your s/o , wait till they find out your lying.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Did you read the beginning and end of the take or just the title? I don't actually say in the take that you SHOULD lie, the purpose of the article is to explain why lying isn't inherently "evil" or bad.

I also cover at the end of my take that I am honest in my relationship so your comment is irrelevant. I'm starting to wonder if you read the whole thing through before forming your opinion.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Now, before anybody harps on me, NO: I am not saying you should be a pathological liar when you’re in a relationship, I’m not even saying you SHOULD lie if you can avoid it, but we are – ironically – absolutely lying to ourselves when we say that you have to be 100% truthful at all times in a relationship. It just isn’t realistic, and arguably, it isn’t even HEALTHY. We are completely deluding ourselves into thinking that any of us are TRULY 100% honest (you know you never just flat out tell people some of the more unfavorable but true opinions you have about things) and that lying is always a "sin."

Just to clarify ^

[Djaaaay]

Accually, I certainly do tell all honesty and keep very open and clear with myself to my s/o. And I have nothing to hide at all. And yes you can be very transparent in your relationships. I've been doing this for decades without (one) incedent otherwise. By the way... I've been with someone for over four decades and still am with someone today. Honestly.. I did read your take from A to Z. And this part of it I found to be in question. The only time the Trueth gets you into trouble, is when you withhold the solution of it , or no mention of it.. to your self. Honesty sopports and builds trust , which enforces and foundates a relationship. Honesty holds it together, trust reinforces its foundation and love bonds the relationship to its potential.

[RJGraveyTrain]

The end part isn't true, in real life situations you can genuinely make a mistake and the wrong people can rip you apart just because they want to. Trust me, my boss does it every day. Lol.

[Djaaaay]

The ending part is true. And I'm not the one making a mistake. You better check that again before you think I don't know what I'm talking about. This is wisdom vs Google

[RJGraveyTrain]

I don't use google to check my opinions, I form them, and if you'll please refer to the last part of my mytake that you apparently also missed:

Now, before any of you ask if I lie in my relationship, the answer is predominantly no, but I have. I have lied and told my boyfriend that his burnt eggs were perfectly fine to spare his feelings, but ultimately I have a very honest relationship because I am lucky to be with a person who can handle brutal honesty. I wish I could have written a take about how to handle brutal honesty – but the truth is, is that there’s really no way to teach that to a person. I truly do encourage people to be honest, and have honest relationships. This take isn’t to tell you that you have to lie to get the most benefit out of your life, I’m just saying SOMETIMES … it’s justified. And there’s no reason to beat people into the ground for that. We all have to be a little more understanding, and realistic. That’s all.

[Djaaaay]

You don't ever have to make fun , beat someone down etc... to be honest about something they did. This is all in your approach and how you come back at them with a way to overcome it with your help. A great relationship is all about you both together as one. The other thing that's as important in a good relationship is how great of a forgiver you are. And this there is how it all starts.

[Djaaaay]

And by the way... I did like your take for the most part

[RJGraveyTrain]

Well thank you.