I never chase a guy because, let’s face it, if he wants you, let him work for it. He pursued me. I gave in quickly. There was passion, emotional intimacy, we traveled together, we inspired each other. We were having great sex all the time. We were completely comfortable around each other. We fell asleep face to face tangled in each others arms. Then it ended without warning. I found out he had been cheating on me with his ex. He lied to me for months. A mutual friend reached out and exposed the truth. While I was out of town hanging with my girls, he had been spending his Saturdays with his ex. His betrayal hit me hard. I wanted a face to face conversation. I wanted some closure. He ghosted me. The psychological and physical effects that came along without warning changed my life.
After the breakup, an old friend came back in to my life. He was there to help when I needed him. Over the past year and a half we've routinely spent time together every week. We enjoyed each others company. With COVID my social life dwindled and I found myself at home alone. I spend time with my family, close friends I've known most of my life and him. I started to look forward to our interactions and slowly opened up to the idea of sleeping with him. It had been 17 months to the day since I slept with my ex, Mike.
Jason was always flirting with flattery. "You’re beautiful. You’re gorgeous. I can’t stop staring at your eyes. Are your lashes real😂" Jaded and guarded I compared his flattery to a snake charmer wondering if it was a trick. I would not fall under his spell easily. He wooed me in the beginning and always answered my calls, text back right away, came over to help me with something, took loads of laundry to his place, washed, folded and delivered it. He would tell me how he used the right amount of fabric softener on my towels and ALL free & clear only like I asked because he remembered I had sensitive skin. He was an adept listener and communicator. He knew all about my past trauma and two failed relationships. The damage done. He shared his experiences with family struggles and past relationships. We talked about everything. It was clear probably from the time I met him long ago that he had a high sex drive and the topic easily came up for us to discuss are views. Compatibility was strong.
Everything indicated he was single, he was interested in me, but his main priority was his daughter. I respected that. She recently turned 1. He said their four year relationship ended because she they fought a lot, she was never willing to compromise and felt she never did any wrong. He called her crazy, selfish, and said he didn't enjoy sex with her anymore. He was through with her and then she found out she was pregnant. They were co-parenting. He was upset when he didn't get to see his daughter for a day. Then it had been three days since he saw her. So, she moved in. I questioned it. He said they slept in separate bedrooms, and his mom moved in to help out with the baby and it was her first and only granddaughter. I kept my distance. I asked questions and he always gave the same responses that indicated it was strictly a living arrangement that allowed them both to be with their daughter. I met her a few times. There wasn't any indication they were together. Then she moved out. He said she would yell in front of their daughter and he didn't want that environment for her. We talked about lawyer, custody, and the drama that could come.
His interaction with his daughter was something that drew me to him. Being with her revealed his patient and caring side. I enjoyed spending time with both of them. I’m telling you this so you understand that, it was a slow progression with clear intent and thought involved. I decided to break my 17 month abstinence after we both revealed our feelings one night after he cooked me dinner. After conversations we both said we weren't into casual sex and wanted something more meaningful.
I’m a hopeless romantic. I met him in high school. We were friends for five years and both in serious relationships at the time. At times I felt his past experiences and relationships had hardened him up and caused him to be guarded, like me. Then he would let his guard down. That’s when I saw a person I could consider a future with. He was a giver, attentive, and passionate. He gave the best back rubs! Before he left he always hugged me for a long time while he rubbed my back. Being close to him felt soulfully right.
Of course there were times when we would argue. I was irritated or he was irritated. He told me he’d rather argue with me than anybody. That made me smile. We had a lot of banter and quick wit easily keeping each other on their toes. I tried to be a bit mysterious. Then it felt like our friendship began revolving more around his time and his needs. I called him out and told him I didn’t like. He apologized and visually appeared upset putting his head down and saying he never wanted to make me feel like that. It was sincere.
Last Friday after he cooked me dinner he sat right next to me and started giving me a back rub. It felt great! I was excited about the magnetic energy flowing highly between us. Still I had an instinct to pause. I stood up. I didn’t know do it deliberately. It just happened almost as if I had not control. Where was I going or what reason would I give if he asked. I looked at him. He said, “What’s that look?”
“What look?” I said.
He said, “that look like you give me. I've seen it before and I can't figure it out. It's like you're attracted to me. I think I know that’s what it means, but then you pull away. I can’t figure you out.”
I walked back, sat down and said “yeah, it probably is a look of attraction because I like you.”
He said I like you, too!
I asked why he was never more forthcoming and he said he was shy. He was nervous around me, and that's what I thought!
Our walls are down, but still neither of us make a move.
I said let’s play one game and broke out the poker chips.
He said what are we betting?
I said, if I win, I get anything I want.
He said if I win I get anything I want.
So one hand of Texas Holdem. He had three eights. I had two kings and two fives. He won. Then he asked for a blowjob! I was just gonna ask for more back massage. Reluctant, I froze. I couldn't say anything.
He was willing to back down and asked if I wanted to go to the casino.
Finally I said, “A bet’s, a bet. Gotta own up to my word."
I pushed him on the couch and pulled down his pants.
“This is really happening!” he said. His excitement since he won was evident as he danced around and couldn't stop smiling. I told him to calm down, don’t move, and try to relax.
We ended up in the bedroom trying every position since we were new partners and enjoyed exploring each other. He went down on me and I climaxed! It was great. After four plus hours of sex we agreed to have sex daily as part of my weight loss program. I was excited for the much needed physical release. The cuddling was nice. Just touching each other was thoroughly satisfying.
We had plans to meet later that night and I did get busy but text to let him know I'd call him when I left my best friends house. He didn't respond until I was leaving there. He wanted me to come pick him up and go to the casino, but he wasn't at home. He was at his ex's place. I was confused and asked what he had been doing. Did he forget that we were supposed to meet at 8? Would he not have been there if I had shown up?
Then it was over. Turns out he and his ex got back together. The day after we slept together. Not only that, but they had only recently broke up, so he was single when we slept together, but just like that they were back together. She said they'd been together almost five years and our expecting a boy in May! He definitely did not tell me that. She found out about us from a mutual friend. She said he lost any chance he had to have a family. I'm pretty sure she forgave him since she just text me at 11 tonight asking if he's contacted me.
Mind blown! How did this happen to me again? I followed all the signs. I was patient. He pursued me. Did he really just lie to me for a year and a half for one night of sex?
Blindsided and crushed on discovering that his interest isn’t the same as mine and that he doesn’t want the relationship I want, I told him we needed to go our separate ways.
I saw a counselor today for an hour talking about this, which was less time it's taken for me to type this post. She feels I reacted correctly. Just because I didn't see it coming doesn't mean I did anything wrong or missed any signs. He's clearly done this before since she said she caught him with a girl in the car at the gas station a month ago! All the lies. The betrayal. Risking the loss of his relationship with his kids. Just to walk away after we slept together?
So, where did I go wrong? Was it because I wanted to believe him? How could I know he was lying?
Am I attracted to the wrong men? When we date anyone, we date his/her psychology. We pursue those who fit into our vision of what a partnership looks like, which can often stem from family dynamics, subconscious programming or past traumas. We are magnetized towards the individuals that “fit” our view for what love is. We chase people where we can repeat relationship roles we’re accustomed to. This is all lovely if you had a spotless childhood and possess a healthy psychology. For many people, though, love has taken a warped definition and they will pursue individuals that play into their damaged psychology. The detached will be drawn to the codependent. The addict and the nurturer will be drawn together. The narcissist and the empath will glue together. The psychologies just fit together to what they are accustomed to. So there’s something in the woman who loves too much mindset that makes the emotionally unavailable man look irresistible and a suitable candidate to pine for.
Men, why would a guy go through all this to hit it and quit it!