This take is not to offend anyone who is going through this disorder. I just want to share my experience in dealing with someone who did.
For starters, dating apps are not my usual go to. But I decided to give it a go. I came across this awesome guy but happened to notice he only took headshots rather than full body/portrait shots. I mean thats fine, we all do it or have done it.
After reaching out to get to know him better, he showed within a matter of days that he was quite insecure about his looks. He named every flaw you could think of from external appearance to internal/hygeine to genetics/DNA. I admit, I cringed a bit but his personality outside of the bashing was so intriguing that I didn’t want to give up on him just yet. Plus, he had a really handsome face.
Then came the harder conversations. He admitted to having this disorder. I wanted to laugh it off just thinking he was being paranoid but then he continued to refer to himself as a beta and he even started starving himself. Yet he refused to exercise.
His job consisted of making deliveries to people around town and with every person he delivered to, he’d bathmouth them to me over the phone. He’d call them fatass, pizzaface and so much more. He even said one girl looked “hurt” which is apparently another word for ugly.
Now mind you, he saw my pics on the app and claimed to have liked them. But it was closing in on video chatting with one another and I was extremely paranoid after seeing him trash people on the daily. He promised he’d never think negatively of me, but come on, I’m not an idiot.
So we end up sending videos to eachother as a test run. I’m being extremely vulnerable because I normally dont videochat within the first week. This guy gets on cam and looks like freaking Tom Holland!! I’m all googly-eyed and having an internal nervous breakdown because this upped the stakes. I start to question if he downplayed his looks on purpose or if he’s truly insecure.
He’s looking all confident but constantly stating in the video that he's looking like shit. I boost his ego with genuine compliments about how handsome I find him. Then I actually send a video of me actually looking like shit but it was the best I could do. I’m not photogenic. See unlike him, I accept my flaws and try not to whine about my insecurities. Mind you, he doesn't even acknowledge my video. He just ignores it then 7 hours later replies that I’m not bad looking. Thats like the ultimate rejection.
From there, our great conversations began to show a lack of emotion. My insecurities are through the roof and I’m refusing to send more videos and postponing our video chat. He’s constantly bashing himself and others yet telling me that I look fine and that he would have stopped talking to me if I didn't. Wow way to make a girl’s day, huh?
So i try to have a deep respectful honest conversation with him. I tell him that it hurts to see him badmouth everyone including himself and that its causing me to think less of myself. He then says he’s no longer looking for a relationship, but that he’d like to keep getting to know eachother. Hmm, how random.
The next day he asks why I deleted all my videos from our chat. I told him because they hardly get acknowledged like I acknowledge his. He then waits til I’m getting ready for bed and hits me with this long message stating that we aren't moving forward in a productive way and that I’m showing red flags that he just can’t overlook. He feels that I’m off talking to some better looking guys when I’m not around him. Anytime he even heard my phone vibrate, he’d question who was texting me so late.
I literally cannot believe that someone so insecure would try to hurt me or others so much just to deflect from their own issues. I wouldn’t say he’s ruined me, but he definitely led me to fish for compliments from some randoms that night. Thankfully they saw what he didn't. My self esteem feels a bit restored, but I will never forget what he tried to put me through.
If you suffer from insecurity or body dysmorphic disorder, please learn to love yourself first so that you don’t go around hurting others like that guy did. I beg of you.