Brainstorm: Dating Using the Networking Model

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I think most of us know what networking is in a business sense, but what if we applied the model to building long-term romantic relationships, too? We have an element in place with social networking, but it's incomplete and isolationist. We know that many romantic relationships are formed in the workplace, so why not analyse and recreate that model for romantic relationships? Every model has bugs that need to be worked out or compensated for, so I'm kind of processing out loud. But I really think something like this could be a good alternative or improvement on the current dating options. It would also bypass the issues with dating in the workplace (namely, when things don't work out).

My initial thoughts are a platform where people create an account, and select their interests and distance they are willing to travel/connect. They are then presented with options for meeting with groups in those areas. It would be plainly stated that the purpose of the groups is to get to know people and find a date/LTR. This eliminates the barrier to guys asking a girl out in person, because she knows that is a possibility if she is on the platform. There could also be a facilitator present to moderate the situations in person to ensure safety and civility.

I think it could eliminate some of the common problems with online-dating-only apps. Guys complain about not being able to get a date because they aren't tall enough or good looking enough, girls complain about not being able to find guys who are serious, etc. It could also counter some of the barriers that dating apps put up, like looks, age, etc. while adding barriers that dating apps can't, like the gradual sharing of personal details and people actually being seen as they are, versus altered or old photographs. Meeting someone and getting to know them in a group over time presents the opportunity for normal people to be seen as people, and not products. It also provides a venue where the ground rules are known and maintained by everyone, a sort of dating democracy.

Yeah, had to include a pic of skiing, sorry! :D

One of the biggest challenges with online dating is that we are exposed, not only to people we might know, but to predators and opportunists. While a group still poses the risk of including someone we know but wouldn't date, I think it allows us to use natural social cues to let them know we are not interested in them, without the need to spell it out by outright, written rejection or even worse, ghosting. As for predators, in my experience there are generally red flags, and predators want easy targets. Predators want to isolate their victims, which is harder to do in a group than meeting someone alone.

I have read enough of people's opinions and experiences with online dating to get the idea that the model itself is a flawed one for most. I think some other options are in order, ones that don't monetize love, emotions and relationships. Ones that allow the human element to work vs. algorithms. I think we should bring back the village and create a platform for making connections in a way that is clear, appropriate and relational. The stigma surrounding dating (and wanting to be with someone exclusively) is a problem. Dating and the pursuit of marriage and family shouldn't be viewed as desperate. It should be viewed in the same manner career development is, as taking the next promotion or developing a startup. Maybe that seems cold to think of it in those terms, but there shouldn't be shame in dating and I think we could shift the perspective if we could re-normalize something that is actually natural and normal. Just some thoughts!

Note: This is written with the assumption that people are looking for guy/girl relationships, not other types. I cannot speak to or for anything else and nor do I want to. If anyone feels excluded by this MyTake, please keep in mind that it is my take. They are absolutely welcome to leave their ideas to address their particular experience. But I am not qualified to address that perspective.

[HawkPerception]

Good take and I agree with some of your points. I'll address the parts I think might help you with your processing.

"My initial thoughts are a platform where people create an account, and select their interests and distance they are willing to travel/connect."

There are many dating apps that give you the option to select your interests and hobbies. For example, OkCupid actually has tons of questions you can answer about yourself (usually giving an option between highly agree to highly disagree) and is probably the most in depth dating app in terms of that. They match you with people that have similar answers (when you select your answers to the questions they provide, they give you an option to say how important the answer is for people you're potentially dating). You can also select the distance or range of proximity you'd prefer them to be in relation to your own location.

"One of the biggest challenges with online dating is that we are exposed, not only to people we might know, but to predators and opportunists."

Sadly that's the reality of life. It doesn't change based on what apps you use. There's always a chance of meeting predators, but you can't live your life in fear of everything that can possibly happen to you. Ex. Just because you can get attacked by a shark when swimming in the ocean doesn't mean you shouldn't swim in the ocean. There's approximately 63 shark attacks globally per year. The main thing is that predators are a small minority of men that do not reflect the behaviour of all men. The best practices when dating are always to not have the man pick you up in their car, meet somewhere public and in the open where help is accessible if you need it, never to take drinks that you did not see poured, and to not share personal contact information until you trust them.

There was a girl that did not even share her real name until the end of a date I had with her when she trusted me more.

"While a group still poses the risk of including someone we know but wouldn't date, I think it allows us to use natural social cues to let them know we are not interested in them, without the need to spell it out by outright, written rejection or even worse, ghosting."

While not as common, some apps like POF do having dating events and social gatherings. It's just a little harder to organize those times regularly. I think you're on to something though. I think you're trying to describe something like an event organizing app specifically for dating. An app that organizes regular hikes, skiing, kayaking/canoeing, camping, or anything that the users regularly suggest specifically for dating.

I will say though, that eventually you're going to have to be alone with someone to truly get to know them. There are many predators that can fake their personality until they're alone with you. All you can do is filter people to the best of your ability and to practice safe habits like the ones I mentioned earlier. Don't live in fear. The majority of guys are not predators.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I hear what you're saying. I guess I'm thinking more of the groups for the initial phases of meeting people, and then becoming more exclusive once you meet different people IRL. And I was gearing it toward a girl's perspective, I admit. It's nerve-wracking to post pictures for general consumption just because of how weird the internet can be.

You are correct, of course, that we can't only hang out in groups. That would be crazy! No, I was thinking more of a venue where people can gather to meet, like a bar used to be (and I assume still is, although I wouldn't know, ha). I have heard of POF, but didn't know that about it. I have checked out dating apps, not an actual profile, but enough to get an idea of whether or not I wanted to do it.

You got me with the fear part. :)

[OlderAndWiser]

How would this be different from speed dating?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speed_dating

[TheRealPepperPotts]

It's not as rigid, formal, or rushed as speed dating, and the emphasis is on getting to know different people within the group over a longer period of time, and then pair off (or find another group with other options). People wouldn't have to sit at a table one-on-one, unless they wanted to. It would be a more natural interaction surrounding a common interest, and getting a feel for how people engage without a weird, overly-formal, one-on-one date format. Many people tend to relax more when they do things shoulder-to-shoulder with common purpose, anyway. It just offers a venue to simply meet people and get to know them, before deciding to get more personal. Does that make sense? Let me know if I can clarify it more! :)

[OlderAndWiser]

No, I understand what you are saying.

You could increase the odds for people that had groups for people with learning disabilities, introverts, Chinese-Americans, etc.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@OlderAndWiser That's a fantastic option to have available!

I know Meetup. com has a dating and relationships section that is kind of similar to this, although it isn't a exclusively a dating app.

[DishLady]

Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't based on a couple of factors:

1. Workzone/Friendzone: The person is now registered mentally as being related to a professional networking setting. For instance, there's an event tomorrow. The people I'm bringing with me are all "my junior colleagues" and not considered more than junior acquaintances from work. Meanwhile the folks we're meeting there, who are mostly new, will fall into the category of "LinkedIn Business Network" and we'll all exchange LinkedIns... a rare few will swap actual numbers... we all have e-cards on our phones now... etc. etc.

2. Compatible Functionality: The people we speak to at these things aren't necessarily the ones we would date. For example, there's a really amazing guy -- totally brilliant -- and we defend one another to the hilt where project-related things are concerned, but dating? Pfft. Not a chance in hell. Why? Physiologically, I'd probably wreck him... he'd definitely lose his Clark Kent glasses... Emotionally, there's nothing there other than joy and passion for the project... and Intellectually while we do enjoy the occasional joke our minds move in WAY different directions.

3. The Don't S**t Where You Eat Factor: A little old Sicilian mama once told me this... and I've always stuck by it, avoiding all manner of workplace debacles. At work we're protected by Title IX, however at networking events you need to use common sense when collecting contacts and mentally register them as professional contacts. Again, that hampers the concept of transitioning into a dating scenario because these are people you may have to count on for professional references or resources in the future, so you don't want to burn bridges.

Alternative Social Media Groups: In theory it would be nice... POSSIBLY your Facebook or Meetup network would be helpful in building something similar that is dedicated specifically to your dating pool.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Oh, no way. I did not at all mean this in the context of dating colleagues or people we meet through work events and conferences! I meant that networking in the business sense is a great way to meet people, so why not apply the format of networking to dating? As in, a common interest event is offered, and people can attend with the understanding that they are there to meet and connect with people, and potentially find someone to date. It's a physical venue for dating, that's all.

I would never in a million years suggest dating AT an actual business networking event!!! No, that would be unprofessional in the extreme. That is not at all what I meant by the MyTake. I'm sorry about the miscommunication! :(

[DishLady]

It’s ok, I also didn’t mean to misinterpret.

Older&Wiser’s speed dating suggestion (or something else called a “lock and key” event) might be helpful. Personally the speed dating only works if you go to a very well-curated one. (Some friends have found them helpful.) Seasonally, mostly around the holidays, there are big “lock and key” events you may be interested in (see Meetup or Eventbrite to find whatever is in your area).

[Caroline91]

Wow! This is brilliant and well thought out initially. Almost makes me wish I weren’t married so I could participate. Although I can see this same model used for people to develop friendships also. There is a real need to normalize things again:

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@Caroline91 You can be a facilitator! :D

[Dongie]

You're wicked smart. As I read I thought ahead you answered those few things on safety and the social skill sets. I want to be Iron Man.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@Dongie Why, thank you! :)

[Dongie]

😏🫡🙂‍↔️

[strateguy632]

good mytake

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@strateguy632 Thanks!