Are you willing to admit to yourself what you want in your relationship with the opposite sex?

[OlderAndWiser]

All of us have certain goals and aspirations for our relationships with the opposite sex. (This MyTake is written for the majority of users who are exclusively heterosexual.) For different people, those goals may be

1. to avoid all relationships with the opposite sex;

2. to have only casual friendships with the opposite sex;

3. to have significant friendships with the opposite sex;

4. to have casual, fleeting dating relationships without sex;

5. to have casual sexual relationships;

6. to have friends with benefits;

7. to have a long term relationship without marriage;

8. to have a long term relationship that eventually leads to marriage.

Goal posts at Doak Campbell Stadium in Tallahassee

If you ignore morality based on religious beliefs, there is nothing that makes any one of these goals inherently better than the others. However, for each of us, there is one goal that makes sense. Our personality, our dating/relationship history, our other goals . . . all of our attributes, experiences, and desires lead to the conclusion that one of these goals makes sense for us.

The US Mint no longer makes cents for us!

Some of us have great self awareness, we know exactly what we want, and that knowledge guides our decisions in the process of dating. That becomes much more common as people get older; experience teaches you what you want and what you don't want.

In 2019, when I re-entered the dating market, I knew that I wanted to find a long term partner, and I hoped that it would eventually lead to marriage . . . but I was not in a rush to get married, either. So, when I was reading profiles on dating sites, I limited myself to women who said that their goal was either marriage or a long term commitment. In December 2020, I met Ms. Helen, we started dating, and we were married in April, 2024.

No, this isn't Mr. and Mrs. Wiser!!

In retrospect, when I limited my search to women looking for marriage/LTR, I realized that some women may have said they only wanted casual dating because they were afraid to admit that they were looking for marriage, thinking that such a statement would scare guys away. Or maybe they didn't want to admit they wanted to be married because they had an ugly divorce in their past. Maybe if one of those ladies had been honest about her relationship goal, I would have asked her for a date. We'll never know!

I see many young men who insist that they are not interested in any serious relationship and they are only interested in seeing how many different girls they can conquer before reaching the age of 25. If that's REALLY your goal, and if you are honest and not mislead girls, then do what you want to do, but . . . there are a lot of those guys who suddenly settle down when they meet the right girl. They don't openly and candidly admit it, but all of a sudden they are not too big on the club scene, or cruising the pickup bars. The prevailing wisdom is that guys who say they will never get married usually get married more quickly than others.

So, if you are honest with yourself about what you really want . . . and not just saying whatever makes you sound like a king stud to the other boys . . . doesn't that make it more likely that you'll achieve your goal sooner, and maybe you'll inflict less collateral damage along the way?

Here's the question for you: When you are in your head, talking to yourself about dating and the opposite sex . . . are you more concerned with expressing goals that sound like they'll earn the most respect from your peers (saying what other people want to hear,) or are you really, seriously honest with yourself?

[HawkPerception]

I'd like to think I've lived my life as honestly as I possibly can (other than lies to my parents to get out of consequences as a kid).

Ever since I was around 16 years old, I've envisioned the way I want to propose to a girl who I love and want to marry. I've been strange in the sense that I'm probably one of the few guys out there who has a dream wedding with my future love of my life. I want it to be something everyone remembers and set the bar really high for those following.

I've only ever wanted one girl who is compatible with me to sail through life with. And I've always known and been very clear about what I want in that girl. I want her to be similar to me in most aspects.

Similar views like religion, politics, core values, the way we think, etc. I think the more views you have in common, the less conflict there will be in a relationship.

Similar interests is also important. Obviously men and women are different and I don't expect her to have every similar interest as me. But the more interests we have in common, the more we can enjoy talking about and doing things together.

Similar sense of humor is a must. If she doesn't find any of the things funny that I do, then that relationship is dead in the water.

Having aligning goals is also important. I want to live off grid eventually and that has always been my goal in life from a very young age. If she doesn't see herself eventually living off grid and living off the land for the most part, we would not work out.

Being sexually compatible is also important. Everyone has different kinks. Some people are more dominant and some are more submissive. If we clash and aren't willing to do what the other wants in bed... well, let's just say that sexual desires don't just leave. You can easily become frustrated and it can kill a relationship in no time.

What I expect in a relationship is complete brutal honesty. And they should be able to take it too. If they think I'm lacking in my communication, overall effort, the bedroom, etc, I'd want them to tell me honestly. And vice-versa. If I think they're getting lazy with their health and fitness, they aren't listening to me, or seeming to lack in some kind of way, I want to be able to tell them what it is and why without them feeling distant from me and wanting to leave immediately.

I've always known what I've wanted and honestly, it truly is hard to find a girl who loves me AND is compatible with me in those aspects.

[OlderAndWiser]

I suspect that living off grid would kill the deal for 99% of all girls.

[HawkPerception]

There are more than you realize that are into that, especially in my generation. AI helped ballpark a number between 10 and 30% of women like the idea of that life

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, I am surprised!

I think that many people who think that would be a great life have romanticized notions in their head and would quickly lose interest of they started living that lifestyle.

[HawkPerception]

The majority of people that I have seen who have chosen that life enjoy it and don't go back.

[DishLady]

Yeah. I know what I want pretty clearly, but gals are always told to “be nice” or “not be complicated” or “be open” — which translates to making oneself available for hookups. I’m not doing it. The sort of guy who only sees a girl for her “hookup” value isn’t for me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Finchie40]

I consider myself an honest person when it comes to meeting a girl that I am attracted to , I don’t want to blind side anyone, so I tend to just lay it on the table and be upfront about it , giving her a chance to make her decision on what she really wants , nowadays I prefer just being FWB’s with a girl with some strings attached , meaning her and I don’t have to rush into a relationship , we can both take things slow to give us both time to really Get to know each other before fully committing to each other , but in the meantime we can have a lot of fun together and great sex , because the truth is I am old school when it comes to relationships , cuz I give my all, when I am in a committed relationship with a girl , so giving each other breathing room seems to be the best approach nowadays , considering so many people these days are selfish and don’t know what they really want , they just assume they do , until they get it, and then change their minds. FWB’s with some strings attached kind of eliminates having hearts broken, if one of ya decides this isn’t really what they want , it happens all the time. So being FWB’s with some strings attached pretty much puts her and I on the same page with things, if we are both honest with each other , because most relationships are amazing in the beginning because you are both infatuated with each other , but once the infatuation runs it’s course , that’s when you get the truth on whether they want to stay with you or not. My thing is it’s better to remain friends’ then to be enemies if one of us decides this isn't for us.

[Summeroflove]

Some people really are telling the truth. They aren’t bitter or hate the opposite sex as a whole. But you’re right for most people…. Some people are either bitter or gotten hurt so that’s why they shut anyone down.

With that being said too many people focus on the entire opposite sex. Trying to gain the approval of every man or woman. Which…. Cannot be done. There are even some individuals you can’t please much less many people. It’s about finding whose right. Quality over quantity.

[sage2021]

Out of all of the different types of relationships you listed, I'm wondering why none of them said "Looking for Love"? I haven't ever frequented dating sites, so I don't know anything about what people are looking for, but don't you believe that at least one would say they want to love someone and be loved in return? Does anybody ever say they are seeking love on those sites? You could say that it would be obvious that if you are looking for someone to marry that would automatically mean love would be in the relationship. But not everyone who wants to be loved by someone and give love in return have to get married. Right?

I'm thinking 🤔 back about my serious relationships in the past and I guess it's my age (?) but I never had a "goal" per se.

In my serious relationships didn't take long for us to fall in love. He always said it first and then I would say it back when I was ready and when they least expected it. A little element of surprise.

It didn't take them long to ask me to marry them. It just fell into place as time went on, naturally. Nothing was forced.

But the guys (men) didn't play stupid games with me like a lot of guys that I dated. That was what made the difference.

My late boyfriend Patrick did go on dating sites, so he knew how they worked.

Then he met me and we were a total surprise to each other. I was 64 and he was 59. I have a greeting card that he gave me that's framed now and sits on my table in my bedroom. On the front of the card it says "When I saw you, I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew." And that's exactly how it happened.🙂

So for me, it never crossed my mind to have "goals" - I just went with the flow of the relationship. Perhaps Patrick fell in love with me because I didn't have any goals and he felt that. We just fell into place naturally.

He did ask me to marry him several times and I would have been thrilled to be his wife, but I was forced to say no. Because the way the government works in America, when a person is on retirement social security and their marital status changes, they would take half of my check and I needed that money. They do something like combine the two incomes for some reason. Maybe this has changed but back in 2018 the internet said this would happen to me if I got married. We both checked this more than once and he couldn't believe it. How sad!😢

[OlderAndWiser]

None of the sites that I used had "I want to fall in love" as a goal on the list.

[sage2021]

They should.

[Crimsyjo]

I co. pleyely agree with honesty upfront expecially if looking only for a casual relationship or hook up. But your right... that could still turn into something more. But I think that is not intentional. I can't speak really for why men put what they put (short term vs long term seeking) but from a woman's point of view it is very difficult. I've wrestled with this myself on dating apps. a lot of men (us women think) run from a profile saying long term/marriage. Because they think that means the woman is desperate or will be too pushy to fast. Or is after a guys money and assets through marriage.

What we want is pretty normal. A guy who isn't looking for a hook up but open to dating and seeing if there is a spark. Open to long term but not rushing.

It's also presumed known that guys can say they are looking for long term falsely as a way of still getting a hook up. Through trickery. So us women are wary. The men that say looking for short term? I respect the honesty. But if as you say they could end up wanting you as a proper relationship how can we know that or risk that possibility?

It's very hard.

[Phoenix98]

I'm always transparent with what I want out of relationship and what my goals are early on because I don't enjoy having my time wasted so if we're not compatible in that way I want to know. So that I can stop seeing that person and go find someone who does share what I want out of a relationship and shares my end goals for it.

[OlderAndWiser]

Wiser man.

[Phoenix98]

I learned the hard way when I was younger.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Honesty with yourself is so important, or else you'll be lying to everyone you meet whether you mean to or not

[strateguy632]

That is a good suggestion. We need to ask ourselves that.

[Agape93]

Absolutely. If I want sex, I know it and I say that I am here for sex. Or romance. Or both.

[Anonymous]

I know exactly what I want, have always known that and have been very clear about it to others.

[sage2021]

@Anonymous

Good for you anonymous person that won't use your real username. Being anonymous on this website only takes up space on here.
Your opinion doesn't matter because nobody knows who you are.🤷🏼‍♀️

[Opinion Owner]

@sage2021 I’m happy that you not knowing my still anonymous username on a website online is triggering you so much. Thank you for entertaining me with your pointless tantrum anonymous ”sage2021”.

[TallLoney]

Im 36. Going to be 37. Never been in a relationship. I literally just want someone who gets me. Like the same weird nerd shit I do and won’t make fun of me (outside of being sarcastic assholes to each other because we would love each other).

[Redhanded1020]

Best to be honest about what you want and need, you’ll be far more likely to get it..

[AngryCarl2]

I don't know. I figured I should be in a relationship because everyone else was.

[queenofcardio]

I'm usually honest about what i want

[aceleon]

between 6 and 7.

[Slim57]

Absolutely