What do I do about this guy/pest continuing to try to talk to my girl?

Question

Ok.. here goes. My girlfriend has had a "friend" way before I met her. He's been the "sweetest", "nicest", "caring" guy ever.. he's been there for her for a lot. But even when she was with her ex, he would call, text, and hang out with her. Which crossed the line with her ex and pretty much caused fights, and arguments between her and her ex. Her ex ended up threatening to him and he stopped for a while. Once she broke up with her ex, he confessed to her that he "loved" her and wanted a bit more with her. SHe let him know there was no chance of them being together but he stayed around, taking her places and buying her gifts all the time.

Then I came into the picture, at first it bugged me that he would invite her to go out places and visit her at work or school. I let her know how I felt and it was difficult but finally she understood that it was wrong for her to be hanging out with a guy that had other intentions with her. Finally around Christmas.. he ended up calling her and meeting up with her to give her a really expensive purse..as a gift.. which p*ssed me off! not only because he continued to cross the line,but I had also gotten her an expensive purse for Christmas so it was almost as though I was competing for my own gf. It took some time for me to get it through her head that what he was doing was disrespectful...

I didn't want to make her end her friendship with anyone..but the fact that he kept doing things like this, I just didn't see any other way...now a couple of months have passed by that he's contacted her...

and now my girlfriend told me that he has started texting her again.. and tried calling her..

what do I do..? My first instinct is to go where he works and beat him down with a bat.. but maybe there's other things I should try 1st..

=]

Seraphic · Accepted Answer

There's nothing wrong with her having friends, but from what it seems like, this friendship between her and this guy has gone too far to the point it is effecting your relationship. Even though he has been warned he continously keeps crossing that line, which is very disrespectful and selfish of him.

I feel as though your girlfriend is enjoying the attention he is giving her. But then I'll admit, girls in their own way enjoy attention, being spoilt with gifts and having a lot of affection in general, same with guys in other ways. If she didn't to the point where she can clearly see her relationship is in danger, he would never even have initiated this. Because she has given him that permission, he feels that it is acceptable to break the boundary, over and over again.

It is not just his fault, but your girlfriend's fault for not considering your feelings about this matter, just to gain this other guys affection. She doesn't need him, she has -YOU- and you should be her everything, the person she gets love, affection, gifts, calls, cuddles from and many other intimate things. It doesn't matter how long she has known him for, even if it was since childhood. This guy has no right to do that, sure it's nice to call friends and go out all together, but this guy does not respect your relationship at all, and you both as a couple. An acceptable friend should be friends with both people in the relaitonship, not just one. You can clearly see he is up to no good here.

Now I have read this situation, this is what I would do in your situation: First I would get things very straight with the perosn I'm in a relationship in. I'd say you better stop talking to this guy and find a friend who values us both in this relationship, or I'm going to leave you, as you are already getting everything you need from someone else. Why would you need me anymore? Ask her if the relationship is lacking something, why does she need this guy? Ask her if there's a problem, if there clearly isn't you can tell she's being selfish. I would tell her to choose because she would have got herself in that situation, she either respects and values your love and attention or his. If she's serious and really loves you, she will call this guy herself in front of you, and tell him straight out that if he doesn't value her as a person he would start respecting you're both in a relationship, if not then he should leave her alone. Only she can fix this I believe, you will just make it worse by going over there and beating him up.

The biggest blow and beatup you can make to him is by getting the girl you love to drop him once and for all, as I don't believe he is the type of guy to stop and change, to start respecting both of you, as he has already crossed the boundaries many many times. So the best solution is to hope she see's what she is doing and sacrifices this for your relationship if she really loves and respects not just both of you, but herself too. She only needs 1 man and that's you

rachiee · Accepted Answer

Well first off, its a good sign that your girlfriend told you about him trying to contact her again. It shows her intentions and it makes it look like she really does not want anything to do with him other than maybe a pity friendship at the most. It doesn't sound like she likes the attention from two guys fighting. It sounds like she's allowing him to stay around because she feels bad for him. No one really likes the idea of breaking someone who is supposedely "in love" with them heart. I think you should talk to him. Its your girlfriend and your territory and if he feels like he can disrespect you then that isn't cool. If you continue to let it go on and just brush it off then its still going to bug you which will more than likely lead to arguements between you and your girl which is never healthy. Tell her first before you talk to him and then call him and tell him to leave her alone and also make him aware that you're her boyfriend and that you don't appreciate him thinking that its okay to attempt to get into contact with her. He doesn't get the point that he can't be in her life like that and when she's in a relationship he doesn't have the right to come around and be a cold sore to her relationships.

As much as you would like to resolve it physically, there's really no point to that. There's so many things that could happen and change your life if that fight would take one too many wrong turns. So when you tell him you need to just stay calm about it. I think he would take it a lot more serious if you approached him that way.

hunnie-bunches · Accepted Answer

ok this is going to be long but I read yours so... I'm 30 now  when I was 17 I was dating this guy ok there was a little bad boy about 5 years younger than me that ran the neighborhood he turned out to be his little bro ok then I stoped dating him and later met this guy who was 10 years older than me and come to find out my ex's little bro hung out with him and looked up to him like a father. I ended up having children with older guy and little bad boy was always around for 13years well older guy or baby daddy turned out to be really abusive and all kinds of bad things he finally wen to jail and I moved on needless to say bad boy was now like my little bro so he is always around me and he helps me with my children since he was always in mine and thier lives. we have never had any kind of sexual nothing and my new boyfriend knows about all that and has no prob with him little bro even lives with me and my boyfriend does not. BUT if my boyfriend were to be uncomfortable with it then I love him enough to tell little bro he's got to go . of course I would give my boyfriend an option to babysit first. but any way if your girlfriend cares enough about you and your feelings then she would tell nice guy to go to hell and take his expensive gifts with him  or get a restraining order out on him if he doesn't stop

Kindawiseguy · Accepted Answer

Hmmm, Violence isn't a great idea and even if you did it wouldn't stop him. it seems he's already frightened of you. The best way is to have your girlfriend talk to him but that just doesn't seem reliable in this case either.  So you should both talk to him. Hopefully you'll be able to keep your cool if your girlfriends around. Especially knowing she considers this guy a friend. You need to discuss out exactly what your going to say before hand so that he won't see even the slightest difference in opinion. He might clasp onto something like that, or think your forcing her to say that. He seems desperate enough to do something like that. It would be best to make sure she does most of the talking and when you do talk try not to use antagonistic speech. it will make him defensive, he might be to scared to say anything but he'll be arguing all your points in his head later if you come off to aggressive. If it doesn't look like he's getting it then become aggressive. Just make sure sure your girlfriend knows there's a possibility you'll become aggressive or harsh before you go to talk to him. Maybe have a sign so she knows when your abut to be aggressive so it doesn't catch her off guard. Normally You wouldn't have to worry about this but this guy is probably the type who will look for any reason at all to deny the situation. The signal could be putting your arm around her shoulder, or removing it if you already had it there. While this guy is no threat to you as a rival his presence is making your relationship difficult. He has to go.

jbone79 · Accepted Answer

Well I had this same problem and what I did worked.

1. I had a conversation with my girlfriend. I told her how it bothered me and how I did not like the situation. I then asked her how she felt and how we could best resolve the problem.

2. With her blessing I clearly explained to him that he was making me uncomefortable and and that my girlfriend and I had agreed that it was best he move on. (This polite suggestion did not work, the texts and phone calls and e-mails kept coming.)

3. I showed up to his house and bashed the f*** out of him with a brick to the face. With my boot firmly on his throat I explained that if I had to come back here again, my next visit will get real f***ing ugly.

I no longer have this problem and we are in a very happy relationship.

Bottom line. Talk to your woman first and work it out. Find a resolve. Next try diplomacy and be polite. If that doesn't work...Kick his f***ing head in. Some people confuse kindness for weakness. Never let someone try to take what's yours and make you look like an asshole in the process. - j

bean87 · Answer

i have a similar situation in that there is this girl that keeps persuing my boyfriend(im going to post a question for some advice after) like this guy she is also so persistant.at least your girl is being honest about when he calls...it is not acceptable for her to have a friend that treats her like this and clearly has an alterior motive.i think she is so desirable to him because he can't have her.she is probably nice to him and on some level enjoys the attention and the fact that it makes you so jealous.but if the behaviour continues then she need to be mean to this guy, and tell him to back off in a harsher way than she has being doing...i don't see how you hurting him will help-other than getting some anger out, because it might backfire with him trying to turn your girl against you. the messege needs to come loud and clear from your girlfriend and if it has to be done over an over again so be it...she needs to realise that the relationship is more important than this friedship.best of luck this is such a hard situation for you as you now seem like the bad guy whos telling her to end this friendship..you shouldnt have to deal with this guy its up to her.

sweetnsassy23 · Answer

I agree with Stillwater.It sounds like she's enjoying the attention of two guys fighting over her!And its not fair to you!If she truly cared about you and your relationship she would put an end to this guy and TELL HIM TO BACK OFF!And you confronting him is not going to do you any good.Its only gonna push the guy to try harder for her attention and she's going to be reaping the benefits of you standing up to the guy.Its just feeding her ego!The fact that this guy got in the way of her first boyfriend is a huge red flag!And if she's excepting gifts from this guy then sorry to say but obviously she's a gold digger and is only out to date guys who will flip the bill for her!I hate girls like this becuz they don't really care about the guy for who he is and is just after his money but somehow men and even some women always seem to go for people like that!I actually dated someone who had a "female best friend" and he would always say that she knew him better than anyone but yet would be like"oh I'm crazy about you and we have such a strong connection" yet he was always letting her get in the way of us and letting her control his life and she was always buying him gifts and buying him lunch but he would never put his foot down.Finally I said that this guy wasn't worth it and I should be with someone who truly cares about me and isn't going to make me second best to anyone else!And you should do the same!...Sorry so long!

-StillWater- · Answer

She SOOOOO loves the attention he gives her..not to mention the presents and the expensive nights out.

Her ego must be HUGE by now...ad least every time she's around him. It makes her feel good, but it's wrong what she was doing and what she is doing!

She's really not sure she wants him to stop giving her attention. It sounds to me like she's a bit of an attention whore...

Most girls can handle it, the urge to be worshiped, and when we have a guy like this in our lives, we usually just send him packing, and NEVER EVER accept expensive presents...or stuff like that from him, but your girlfriend doesn't actually want to fight to push him away.

She used to use him, and now you're here, and I guess you're a little tougher and more decisive about certain things than her last boyfriend, so you really wish to see this matter resolved.

You should just tell her to speak to this guy, TELL him honestly and even BRUTALLY how she feels about him and what she wants him to stop doing!

You can't make a difference!

Only SHE can end this!

Hope I helped...

*StillWater*

Track4roy · Answer

Man that's crazy... don't beat the guy up... a man is better when he doesn't feel bad emotions in his life, obstacle is a way for a man to grow... being positive about the situation make you feel better. What you should do is to show her what your really all about do positive things and show her that your not a bad guy and you don't care about that other guy. you could talk to the guy but don't get mad that's just bad energy. you could let the guy know that your a better man by just confronting the guy and talking to him like a man...the guy will feel stupid for doing things that he knows that he is doing. show him you are a rolemodel... for example your in a situation with this guy and you are talking to him and there's your nephew just listening to your conversation. what you would do is stay positive right? you wouldn't say bad words in front of your nephew it's that example that makes you better and feel better. know that someone out there a man is going to test you remember the obstacle in your path if you overcome that obstacle you will feel better and women would come after you because you can control you emotions(sadness, anger, stress). Be positive and you can go through life better.

HEAVENXCLUSIVE · Answer

1ST THING 1ST LET ME TELL You SUMTHING DE REASON DAT HE CONTINUE 2CALL HER IZ BECAUSE SHE KEEPZ PICKING UP DAT PHONE...DO NOT SHOW YAH ANGRYNESS 2WARDS HIM...BECAUSE SHE KNW HIM 1ST BE4 U...ALWAYS THINK ABT DAT...DO NOT GO 2 HIS JOB 2BEAT HIM UP BECAUSE SHE WILL LEAVE You 4 DAT...IF A FRIEND TELLS ME OH YAH Boyfriend CAME 2MY JOB N BEAT ME UP...THAN I WILL FEEL BAD N IT WILL MAK ME THINK TWICE ABT YOU...HERES THE THING JUST TELL YAH Girlfriend TO CHANGE HER NUMBER...DATS IT...TATS THE ONLY WAY 2RESOLVE THIS ISSUE...BUT You RITE...U SLDNT HANG OUT WIT A FRIEND AT LIKES HER MORE ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE IS WITH U..SHE GOTTA CHOOSE 1 OH DE OTHER...N ITS ALSO BAD BECAUSE IF SHE HAS A PROBLEM WIT You THAN SHE GONNE TALK ABT IT WIT HIM THAN HE IS GOING TO FLOOD HER HEAD ABT You 2MAK HER MORE MAD AT U...THINK ABT IT...JUS TELL HER TO CHANGE HER NUMBER...N IF HE KEEPS GOING 2 HER JOB THAN You KNW WAT MOVE OUT DE STATE N MOVE HER 2SUM WHERE ELSE DAT HE CANT SEE HER...N TELL HER TO GET A JOB TRANSFER...HIT ME BACK UP IF You NEED MORE ADVISE=)

SINCERLY:HEAVEN

theused44 · Answer

im only 16, so I'm not to experienced I guess, but my mate has the same problem with his girlfriend.

as long as your girlfriend isn't reacting to all his 'moves' you shouldn't worry in that regard I guess.

but maybe you should try and talk to him, I mean if your girlfriend doesn't feel to much for him then you shouldnt have anything to lose in talking to him because he wouldn't do anything if you tell him to back off.

also I guess be carefull I guess, I did this to one of my friends once (txted her, bought her a b-day present, and invited her places) but she and I had been friends for a long while and I was trying to do anything with her apart from hang out. and her boyfriend kciked the crap out of me with his mates haha.

so I guess just be carefull he isn't just tryna be friends. does he know your dating her?

also if you do, when you talk to him, don't be mad, or aggressive or make any threats cause if that gets back to you girlfriend she might see that as being bad and may change her opinion or something I guess.

good luck man, I hope you get some good advice, srry if mine doesn't help

SomeRugbyPlayer · Answer

this is what I think, and you probably aren't looking for this kind of answer... you don't have to follow it, just an opinion.

I don't think you should honestly care... the fact is your girlfriend said there was no chance of them being together, before you arrived.. she obviously likes you more than this guy, a lot more.. I really don't think you should think of him as competition. which is what your doing, in my view. sure he got her a nice purse, but she should like yours more, and wear yours out more often because its from you : ) if she did the opposite, then that would be a problem.

the only thing I could disagree with is if she blows you off for him. or if during the christmas you guys planned to hang out the entire day. if not I don't think you should stress over her visiting friends. I mean if she did this to you, and told you not to see one of your good chick friends, how would you feel? Personally I think its important for you guys to have seperate friends like that.

hope this helps! if not good luck man.

Littletad · Answer

This might be tough to hear, but your not getting mad at the right person. It is your girlfriend who continues to answer his calls, texts, and even sees him. Rather than blocking his number, telling him straight up to leave her alone, or anything else; she continues to have him as a friend. You need to put your foot down and tell her to end this with him for good. She SHOULD NOT have accepted his gift, which she did didn't she?

I would hate it, if I was in your situation too. But she needs to get rid of him on her own. If she's continually keeping him at arms length, then he will continue to think he has a chance.

onemoreplease · Answer

I agree with the other responses, but I also think that talking to him yourself isn't such a bad idea.  She may have brought it up to him, but I doubt she told him off.   It's probably hard for her to be as firm and clear as she needs to be because she doesn't want to feel like a b*tch to this guy she considers a friend and who has been treating her like a princess for awhile.  You, on the other hand, don't have any ties to him and you've already done a great job of articulating why he's being disrespectful.  I think it could be really beneficial to have a mature, calm conversation and tell him exactly what is and is not appropriate.  Be a better man, don't threaten him or beat him up...  it didn't work for her ex, anyway.  If you feel like you would lose it, just keep in mind that this guy sounds pretty pathetic and it would just be silly to let him get to you.

metrorulz · Answer

Dude...You got to put your foot down, this low-life prick is trying to get at your girl right in front of you...and obviously your girl is gonna be defensive with her friends  because his "SUPER NICE" to her. You should tell her also that if she wants to be with a prick she can do that because she has no right to put you through this sh*t... there's a lot of girls out there man...tell her in a nice way  because I'm kinda p*ssed at the situation you just described..same sh*t happened to me...and I eventually got dumped for that other guy...so homeboy if I were you, I would go meet this asshole and really make him sh*t in his pants!

janehacks · Answer

She likes the gifts. What girl doesn't? This guy's a pest. He keeps reappearing in her relationships and trying to win her over with expensive gifts. He might have stopped for a few months, but he won't stop completely.

She let him know that she has no intentions, but clearly hasn't stopped the "friendship" completely because she might enjoy his attention and gifts. She has the choice to ignore his texts. That's all it takes. He'll get bored. He'll text, but get no reply.

Do not become the jealous type. Let her know the gift is nice. Remind her that no gift can replace the time you have with her. Take her places, have fun. It doesn't mean you need to buy her gifts. Go on road trips! Do not spend the valuable time you have with her worrying about this guy.

Don't get to controlling. You can only hope she'll stay true to you. If she doesn't, she's not worth your time.

This guy admitted that he had feelings for her, so they can no longer be "just friends." Things are different now.

Aarien · Answer

If he's still pulling these shenanigans after she's specifically asked him to stop... by the sounds of it, she needs to make a decision on what's truly important to her.  The more she indulges him, meets with him, and accepts his gifts, the more he will persist and thinks he has a shot.   She may want to be friends with him, but he obviously doesn't want to be "just friends".  She needs to tell him to respect the fact that she has a boyfriend, is happy with that boyfriend, and is not interested in him.  If he can't respect you two, I personally think she should distance herself from him and should stop talking to him altogether, at least for a while.

lochnessmonsterwang · Answer

I know what you mean, pal.

I think you should OK it with your girlfriend first, but get his number and give him a call. Don't raise your voice or use any profanity, but very directly tell him that your girlfriend doesn't appreciate the fact that he is coming onto her. Avoid talking about how this bothers you, since he clearly doesn't have any respect for you or your relationship.

Don't ask him to stop, tell him this will stop; phrase it another way if you want. "So I can tell [girlfriend's name] not to expect any more texts or calls now?"

Give it a while, and if this fails, talk to him in person. At this point, it is fine to be more aggressive, but never throw the first punch. You're better than that. You're not a thug. A mindless thug would have never asked his girlfriend how she felt in the first place, he would have just roughed him up right from the start.

marlen · Answer

I understand you! I think? lol Well somethng like this happened to me too but at the end everything came out good! If she didn't seem to care about this she woulnd't be letting you know. She wants you to know what's going on so you won't make the wrong move and get mad and end it. Its not bad that's she is letting you know what is going on with this one friend..why won't she block his number or change ehr phone number?

It does seem though that she wants you. Don't worry as much about that other guy and don't waste your time in thinking bout what youy should do..just be with her and go out some where and have a good time.

shybutcrazy · Answer

You need to decide if you are going to continue staying with someone who will keep someone around who is causing problems in her relationship. Now what I mean by that is that she must not be 100% ready to cut off the contact otherwise she'd have blocked his number etc. I'd suggest you and she meet this guy in person and both of you let him know that you both want him to f*ck off permanently. She's probably trying not to be harsh on him since he's not an assh*le. This guy sounds like harsh is about the only way to get things through his thick skull though. Don't resort to kicking his ass though; that's just childish. She may find it easier to be more harsh if you're standing right there. Granted he'll probably think you put her up to that and that she wasn't being serious. If he's so delusional as to think something would happen with someone who doesn't even like him like that and to keep hoping...anything's possible in his mind.

chettah-two · Answer

Im going to try to explain the solution using some basic maths...

U You

GF Girlfriend

FF female friend

VC very close/flirty

NG nice guy.

ideally it should be U=GF

but the current eqaution is UGF+NG

Fortunately NG can never be VC therefore the next step for your Girlfriend (if she REALLY likes you) is to drop the NG with the hope of your dropping the VC(FF)... to bring the equation back to U=GF.

appleshampoo · Answer

You are her boyfriend, not him, if she wanted him at all she would have gone with him before she went with you, when he was in the picture and you wern't.

Stop letting it bother you. She's not going to hook up with him, she doesn't find him attractive in that way.

confused84 · Answer

lol maybe you should put that bat down..for a while :)

what she's doing is leading him on by keeping talking back and receiving those gifts and what not. And its rude towards you too, not only her but espeacilly that guy. Its not cool when someones interferes your relationship

ThisGuy13 · Answer

honestly man it seems like most girls have a guy friend like that (at least the ones I know). I know how you feel about not wanting to force her to end this friendship with this guy but sometimes you just got to lay the law down. tell her how you feel about it and take it from there.

Camilus · Answer

If he is spending money on your girlfriend then tell your girlfriend to tell him that she always wanted a plasma TV.  When he buys it for her (and you) THEN put him in the hospital...everyone wins!  (well, almost everybody)

Anonymous · Answer

You gotta get sum of your people and kick his ass or imply that you will lol and scare him off. You've already tried the rational approach but yo sumtimes we gotta be real men and I mean oldskool men  because that's what my grandad and great grandad would have done and I know plenty of people who would have done the same. I think what you've done and your patience are great but now that feeling you're getting now may be the right one, just don't get caught lmao

Anonymous · Answer

mmm dude.. if I was you I'd have to hurt him and get him to back off...i've done it a few times... but it was with someone who wasent even really considerd her friend..but.. I'd get him to stop  because that is bad that he did that about the purse, and now he won't leave her alone its kinda stalkerish..she could always get a restraining order?..or you could do your option or threaten him and tell him to leave her alone she's just a friend to him... so there's like 4 options..

TexPlayboy · Answer

He sounds like a stalker type. Ask yourself if this girl is worth a lifetime of drama, because that is what you are going to get. She might be done with him, but it sounds like he is never going to be done with her.

Good Luck

James

Track4roy · Answer

bro listen to guys... women would just confuse you bro. I have a girl cuzin and she trys to **** block me and I'm her cuzin. it's because of how a male gets attention.

nikae_td · Answer

My boyfriend and I had similar problems... only he has a "bestie" who he had a one night stand with back in high school and have matching tattoos. I believe that if she's spending time with you, he shouldn't be a threat. Its when she's making excuses to see him that a problem has arose. Just let her know that you do trust her, its him that you're not trusting. And eventually things will work out.

metrorulz · Answer

time to get the cops involved bro! You and her already told him to back off...time to file a harrassment case ! CASE CLOSED! :)

Anonymous · Answer

she should have never went and met him for the present she was with you and she still took it.  WRONG

DemonataBoy · Answer

Tell your girl to tell him to f**k off. For only a little bit. : )

Lloydevans · Answer

Smash him

gamboo369 · Answer

i say do the bat strategy lol

What do I do about this guy/pest continuing to try to talk to my girl?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said