Why can't an eccentric woman find a man?

[Anonymous]

I've struggled with my inability to find a man for years now and would be particularly interested in hearing a male perspective in this. Please note that I don't mean to come off as narcissistic in this post, just trying to paint a picture so you can evaluate what I might be doing wrong.

Basically, I'm a bit introverted, meaning I enjoy my quiet time and being alone as well as being with friends. I don't have a huge group of friends, just a few very good ones whom I know would give the shirt off their back for me should I ever need it. I can get along with people and try to treat everyone with respect and kindness but I wouldn't say most people gravitate towards me unless we share common interests. I'm also a little eccentric compared to most of the women around me since I love things like video games, comics, anime & manga, action movies, sports... etc. things guys usually enjoy. This makes it hard for me to make friends with women since most of them just don't care for that stuff and probably don't know what to talk to me about. I even understand their reaction even if it makes me a little sad since most don't even want to try.

Though I enjoy the geek culture I still dress and look like a woman. I'm not the most feminine girl out there (more Lara Croft type, to put it in game terms) who's always in a dress, but I do enjoy girly stuff and dressing up once in a while too. I've been told I'm a "beautiful woman" by both friends and random strangers. Yet men never seem to approach me unless they're drunk out of their mind. I admit my weakness is that I'm slightly shy and insecure when it comes to men. I'm pretty much clueless if a man likes me unless they plain and simply just say it, I don't pick up on subtle hints. I do go out to parties and bars every once in a while, but at the end of the night I always leave alone.

So, why do I end up alone and what could I do differently? All views and hints are appreciated.

[BearsAnswers]

I know lots of women in that age range with those interests that are in relationships. Some of them definitely struggled a bit more to find one than others, but they all managed in the end. So, I don't think it is the age (though that would be slowly starting to work against you) or the interests (those are typically male interests, you would think that would make it easier).

Are you in a small town where there just isn't a lot of people that have the same interests? Where are you looking for guys that have your interests? You are not going to find 35 year old gamers in a bar.

I was living with my gf and her co-worker for a couple years, and we were all gamers, which worked out beautifully. The co-worker did struggle to find a guy for quite a long time though, but a lot of that involved the type of guy she was determined to find - she wanted a handsome guy with a body like a surfer who liked the same games and movies as her, was tall, preferably early 30s, single, treated women well, knew how to socialize, and had enough interesting quirks that her friends would think he was 'cool'. Her problem wasn't with her, she was pretty, and fun to be around - it was with the list of what she was looking for. She simply couldn't find a local guy that met all those criteria AND was into her. So part of the problem might be what you are looking for perhaps? Or that your location doesn't have a large enough population to have enough guys with the traits you are looking for?

What the co-worker ended up doing was join a large gaming guild I introduced her to, which had a lot of guys that obviously had the same interests as her. That gave her a 'peer group' to work with that was way more inline with what she was, and what she wanted.

I don't know where you are looking for guys, what kind of guys you are looking for, or what kind of population centre you are in, so my advice has to be a touch generic, but hopefully there are some bits of info in there that help.

[pnl86]

"I'm also a little eccentric compared to most of the women around me since I love things like video games, comics, anime & manga, action movies, sports." My mother is a psychiatrist, so when you said "eccentric," I was thinking "neurotic." Anyway,

Well, everyone's brains are wired differently. Typically, the female subculture starts around 6-8. That's when girls start becoming interested in "relationships" (not "love," but just how people interact, what Jenny said to Stacey, why Tommy and Brad don't talk anymore, how Tom feels about Jen, why Stacey didn't invite Jen to her party, what it meant when Brad looked up at Jen when he saw her with Tom). There's evolutionary psychology behind why that is, but in today's world, this is really just a "structural" relic that will slowly fade or transgress over to boys as well.

Clearly, you're an example of how this structural relic is slowly already fading. When you were younger, things like that didn't interest you. I don't know you well enough to know "why," but in part, it must have had something to do with the fact that you were "introverted," and looking within yourself for the solution to life's problems instead of looking to other people for help. So, you didn't have the same incentive to care so much about relationships, fitting in with girls, and snatching up a boy, because you understood that you had the tools to be okay on your own.

There's a recent study on the size of the amygdala and the effects it has on men and women, and in emotional intelligence, about two issues ago in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry. Generally, women have larger amygdalas than heterosexual men. Homosexual men have larger amygdalas than women. So, the amygdala has a stronger sexual effect for male sexuality than it does for female sexuality. But, behaviorally, the size of the amygdala influences behavior (external) and thinking (internal). Women with a larger amygdala are more introverted, whereas men more extroverted.

[pnl86]

It's probably not a coincidence then that you've isolated yourself away from other women, because to someone like you, with your circumstances, what they feel is "emotional rocket science," probably makes them look like they're suffering from a bad case of the "sophomore" effect in your eyes. You also probably find it more interesting to introspect and explore your own emotional self than to sit there and try to manage a wide breadth of social relationship in search of approval and validation. That probably also helps explain why you prefer very small and more intimate friendship settings, because you value "depth" more than "breadth" of friendship, because you also like to explore and feel strongly and meaningfully connected to someone else, as if they were an extension of you, even if it's not in a romantic relationship setting. As such, I don't think you don't pick up on hints, so much as your mind just dismisses them and doesn't assign much weight to them.

[pnl86]

In my opinion, I think the type of guy you're probably going to be the happiest with is someone that's not as extroverted (also introverted), because you can help them navigate their emotional self and understand you emotionally (which he'll appreciate and you can grow together as a couple, and that will be a big part of the glue that holds you two together). The other likelihood is a contrast effect (opposites attract) kind of relationship where you find a very extroverted guy who you and him can share your views and opinions about the emotional aspects of yourselves and learn from each other, but, the conflict there will be that he will value social relationships a bit more than you do. The "how" question (i. e., how to meet these guys), is easier answered than done, mostly because the most difficult part is finding the right opportunity to do it. You have to showcase who you are, and that's how you're going to motivate these guys to come into your life.

[pnl86]

The way to showcase what's going on in your brain is to TALK. So, you have to find an opportunity to TALK in a natural and organic conversation, where you present your emotional analysis, and you signal to either one of these guys that you're "self aware" of how you are as a human being, or that you're emotionally aware of others and how others feel and what's going on emotionally inside them, and the "context" or subtext of that conversational thread has to be something these guys can "relate" to, which is a challenge, because that's where "cold reading" comes into play a little bit. Generally, in the context of dating, people "like" sympathy and understanding (and lack of judgment or negative criticism, because it shows them that you're more likely to give them what they want with a smile on your face, or at least support what's important to them). If your audience is men, I think you already have all that down lol.

[pnl86]

So, for example, one way to "connect" and show a guy that you "understand men in general" (and therefore, are more likely than other women to understand HIM... AS THE MAN THAT HE IS.. not as the "real man" that "YOU WANT" him to be), is to talk about the topics you're already interested in, with a twist. The twist is, "why 'people' (notice how it's gender-neutral) like video games.. comics.. action movies.. sports, etc." Talk about the internal emotional aspect, and the external social aspect that create the "motivations" for those desires our outlets. Then, you can transition nicely and easily into.. "and I love how there's always some random hot girl in movies" or "and, of course, there has to be the obligatory token hot chick in that game." That's your transition into talking about "sex." You're not here to educate him on feminist theory, or to suggest, "I'm talking about sex, that means I want to have sex with you!" No.

[pnl86]

The sex part is because you can start having a "deeper" conversation about things that you know (99.9999999999999% chance, he holds near and dear to things that are important to him in life, and wants to see not only that it's important to a person he could potentially be with, but that she understands WHY it's important to.. first, men in general.. and second, after listening to him, why it's important to him). That transition provides you with the opportunity to showcase that to him, again, within the bounds of a natural and organic conversation. Then, just sit back, have open and accepting body language and facial expressions, verbally encourage him and give him positive reinforcement when he talks to you, touches you, asks for you number, texts you, etc. ... because you're building the foundation for the kind of relationship you want with him (i. e., him leading you, and feeling confident and comfortable doing so, and not waiting on you so that he can act).

[pnl86]

Hope that helps, and good luck.

[Asker]

Thank you for a very detailed and interesting analysis on my situation, it was very intriguing to read. I think you definitely hit some valid points, some of which I've been brooding on before as well so it was nice to hear from an objective point of view there could be some truth to that.

I think my biggest challenge will be having the nerve to actually be so hands-on and active in a conversation. I'm a listener by nature in a conversation so small talk or flirting for that matter is hard for me. Also I find it difficult to determine when is it okay for me to touch someone for instance (I'm from a culture where people appreciate their personal space and respect others' space as well), I don't want to come off rude or pushy.

[Asker]

Oh and as for the "eccentric", I merely chose the word to describe my type because it was a compact way to put it that I'm not what people would call a typical or traditional woman already because of my interests. I am a bit odd but I don't think that's a bad thing even though I haven't had much luck with love :) I wouldn't want to change who I am any more than I would want a man to change for me.

[Anonymous]

Your description of yourself is me to a T. I dont have any female friends, mostly because a lot of women are about drama, and I abhor drama. I have three male best freinds whom I've known for years, and I like mostly things that guys do, like games, car shows, motorcycles, etc. I too am introverted and dont have a lot of friends and have also een told Im pretty, beautiful, etc. But like you men dont approach me, except to talk. I make great convos with them. I understand them and the way they think. And like you im very insecure.

Glad to see Im not the only one like this. in my opinion they are intimidated by me. Perhaps subconsciously by the way I come across. Im shy and try to be friendly but I dont think it always comes across that way.
Im trying to get better at being more friendly.
Do you smile at them? Or do you always have a straight face? Try and make an effort to smile at them, look them in the eye, engage in warm convos.
Thats what Im trying to do.

[Asker]

Nice to see there're more of us :)

And yeah, I smile a lot. I also love to laugh and that's one of the important things I'm looking for in a man - does he make me laugh? If a man makes me laugh he instantly becomes way more attractive in my eyes.

I'm warm and friendly to people, especially those who really get to know me, and that's probably why the few friends I have are so good to me (though I still think I don't deserve them :) ). Anyway, it just seems to come down to it that men don't approach me unless they're intoxicated. That kind of works against me since if I'm attracted to a specific man I get a little shy.

[misupanda]

I'm the same exact way (aside from the sports.. xD). And I get random strangers that go up to me and say "Oh my god, you're so freaking gorgeous!" and I'm like.. what the heck?
Any time I've approached a guy, I've been turned down. And no guys approach me. I also have a really hard time making friends.
I've been told that people are intimidated by me, thinking I'll say 'no', but... if that's the case, why do guys I approach turn me down? I really don't get it. I think it's because I'm shy and introverted, but other shy/introverted people get partners, so I don't know. I think sometimes if you're "too nice", people see you as a doormat or something. That's all i can think of. I'm in the same boat as you, unfortunately.

[Asker]

heh... welcome to the club. It's not fun though, huh?

[why_not_anonymous]

So, can we see this gorgeous?

[misupanda]

Definitely not fun. I think it makes you question if people are telling the truth or not. That's probably just my own insecurities picking at me though. We just gotta tell ourselves we're beautiful and one day, some guy will notice us! :)

[abundantlyrich]

You need a silicon valley guy, with a bit of a goatee. Glasses. Tall n lanky.

[abundantlyrich]

You need to dress more feminine

[Asker]

I already dress like most women do, just don't wear dresses or skirts that much everyday, you know. Those are mostly for special occasions like parties, Christmas, weddings... etc. My job requires me to wear practical work clothes, but outside of that I love to wear make-up, high heeled boots, stilettos, tops and sexy underwear - basically feel like a woman.

[abundantlyrich]

Ok.. Guess u should consider joining a community grp. Shyness shouldn't prevent u from doing that.

[chocolatedragon]

Are you fat?
Are you ugly?
Or are you kinda hot?
Do you give off prudish vibes?
Do you give off a vibe that you might be too complicated for a man?
Words can only explain so much when you're mostly describing your personality lol. But to be honest, whoever is not approaching you is missing out. You have this dream personality that none of my exs ever had lol. I think it must either come down to your looks or your insecurity/shyness pushing men away. If a guy was trying to flirt with you and you couldn't tell, he would probably get bored at a point and assume you to be too complicated. Let's also remember the guys that aren't approaching you because they're shy. And unfortunately, your dating pool is lowered by the fact that many men in your age range are married/engaged/LTR... but assuming you're average looking or hot, I'm going to out the blame on your shyness and insecurity when men approaching you. I'm not going to lie, but I would easily give up on a woman who didn't flirt back or showed any remote hint that I had a chance and I think many men are like that too.

[Asker]

Just my humble subjective opinion, but I'd say no to all your questions - not that an overweight woman can't be beautiful though.

I'm not super shy around men, but I do find it hard to interpret them sometimes. I'm the kind of person who in most situations "knows what to do" and act on it. Yet with a man that I'm attracted to, the kind of shyness I'm talking about is that suddenly "I don't know what to do". Even then I can be friendly and talk with them, but it's usually very casual. Overcoming that is my challenge.

[chocolatedragon]

Do any of the men you're attracted to attempt to break in your comfort zone by giving you a pat on your back or attempting to touch your arm/forearm? When you get shy, you don't frown too much either right? And do you cross your arms when you're shy? I'm asking because the body language you may be doing when you're shy around a dude you find attractive can be severely misintepreted.

And by eccentric, you're not one of those girls who dance randomly when there's no music playing? Cause that kind of behavior will scare some men lom. I'm only asking cause I met several women like that in my college who any understand why they're still single.

[Asker]

Well the touching is difficult to go on because where I'm from we don't get very touchy-feely. People appreciate their personal space and respect others' space as well. It's not uncommon for even close friends to never hug or touch each other that much. But anyway, no, I don't frown or stand with my arms crossed.

And god no... heh :D I only dance to music. With "eccentric" I merely wanted to somehow sum up "not what people consider typical/traditional woman" already because of my interests alone.

[chocolatedragon]

Wow this is trickier than I thought lol. The type of men you are attracted to, would you say they are generally out of your league or not? I'd like to think he has to be either charmy/good looking/funny or have a certain allure for you to lose a bit of cool around him.

[Asker]

I don't think I have a specific type that I'm attracted to other than a sense of humor. For instance, some men that I didn't think were that attractive became a lot more attractive to me after they made me laugh. So yeah, that's a big thing for me. Vice versa, some men who looked handsome physically I then wasn't attracted to at all because of their personality. I'm not one of those women who looks for, say, a surfer/rocker/athlete/whatever... type man, but I appreciate it if they're a bit rugged looking and not afraid to get their hands dirty.

[chocolatedragon]

Seems like all they've been afraid to get their hands dirty on you.

[Sixtus64]

You are told you are a beautiful woman, you like a lot of "guy stuff" and you can dress like Lara Croft (sexy) and you can be very feminine. I find all those qualities attractive, so what gives? You say you don't pick up on subtle hints, and I would guess the less than subtle as well. Some of us are very poor at reading the facial and body language of others, and if we do not feel confident about ourselves and are shy, we are at a disadvantage. Seek some counseling - this isn't mental illness, just help in understanding yourself and others. Also, if you want to meet guys, are you putting yourself in a target rich environment? Are you reaching out with on-line dating or a matchmaking service? 30-35 is hardly too old today, but it will get harder if you continue the path you are on and don't make a course correction. Good luck.

[Asker]

What gives, that is the question. I do admit I'm bad at interpreting guys when it comes to whether they like me or not and the men here are not very... obvious with their moves. Where I'm from people don't really ask you out for a date in the traditional sense before you're actually more or less a couple (unlike in the US), it's just not part of the culture here. Most match-making happens in bars or in parties. I've been in those circles as well and usually don't get approached before the men are very drunk when it seems they get a lot more confidence. I don't mean to put all the blame on me or my culture since there's a lot of fault in my actions too, but you know, it doesn't exactly help my situation.

[Asker]

^don't mean to put all the blame on men... was what I meant to say. Typo.

[Mesonfielde]

You need to find people who share your interests and show them that you are not disinterested. Most could perceive reservedness as such, with good reason. Introverts are more likely to admire introverts, I think. But making the initial connection with an introvert is never that simple.

[Asker]

I'd imagine the difficulty is in finding an introvert since they most likely won't be attending the big parties or go to bars every week.

[Mesonfielde]

Yup.

[kheserthorpe]

You don't meet men.

You don't notice they like you.

You don't flirt back and encourage them.

Only drunk guys lack the subtlety for you to realize they're interested.

[Asker]

Most likely, yes. The challenge is in how to notice.

[akadatank44]

I have no idea why you end up alone. You sound lovely. But even if you are slightly shy doesn't mean that's the culprit. You could try and flirt more with guys.

[Asker]

Thanks, you're sweet :) Now I just gotta learn how to flirt... heh

[akadatank44]

You're welcome :) I wish you luck!

[yaddayaddayadda02]

If you're shy and reserved around guys, that's likely the culprit.

[Asker]

I can see what you're saying, but I'm that way only to a point. I mean, I can talk to men and hang out with them. I only get slightly shy when I'm around a man I really like or find attractive. Then I don't really know how to go about it even if I can continue talking to them like I would to any other friend.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

It sounds then like you're being friends with guys you like. You can't do that. It's the equivalent of a guy putting himself into the friendzone. Be friendly with guys, but don't "hang out". Keep your emotional and physical availability limited until you go out.

[Asker]

Well the guys I hang out with really haven't been on my list of romantic interests to begin with, they're definitely friendzone guys (people like my friends' boyfriends for example). With the exception of one the men I'm interested in have never been friends with me first.

[PhiOmega]

You sound awesome! Almost like the girl version of me :D ! Lols

Idk, guys go where their eyes draw them (initially), work on ur ete appeal, whether that be style wise, or hitting those squats

[Asker]

Well thanks :)

I'm definitely trying.

[Ihav2fart]

Sometimes being shy makes us think you'received not interested.

[Asker]

That's what I'm afraid of.

[Anonymous]

There's a lot of people that don't like original people. They prefer what society considers as normal and only see the appearance.

[Asker]

Yeah, definitely. I'd put that in the category of people's fear and prejudice of what they don't know. More often than not it is the "freaks" who give "normal people" a chance and get to know them even if they don't understand each other from the get-go but it happens so rarely the other way around. I say, give everyone a chance - we're all just people :)

[Tokana]

Your age isn't helping it neither.

[Asker]

Probably if I'd look that old but where I'm from people tend to look way younger than they actually are. God knows all my friends still look like they're in their twenties but that's besides the point. I don't really care about age, just the person and who they are. I think people use age as an excuse for a lot of things these days, but to each their own.

[Tokana]

I'm just telling you how men think, not that I agree with it. Its just how things are. *downvotes me* smh.

[Asker]

Yeah, I know to some men (and women) age matters and I accept that. I most likely wouldn't want to get involved with those people though since I don't think age defines a person but we're all free to make our own choices.

[Octagon]

Guys could be intimidated by you.

[Asker]

Man, I hope they're not... really don't want to come off as someone you can't approach.

[Octagon]

I'd approach you if I liked you.

I can handle a rejection, most men are quite fragile when it comes to rejection.

[jointhepatriarchy]

To be brutally honest it's probably your age.

[Asker]

There's just one problem with that theory - I've been having this problem since I've been a teenager.

[why_not_anonymous]

Go to comic-con. :)

[Asker]

Ha! Oh boy have I been trying! :D... but getting badges is downright impossible.

[why_not_anonymous]

Local, not SDCC

I gave away 3 last year, since there were no legit takers on CL