Will my raging temper problems be a gigantic deal breaker for women?

[Anonymous]

I ask because I have a very short temper. What caused me to be this way was all of the abuse that I've went through in my childhood and teenhood years. I was abused by my father(physically, verbally and sexually) while my mother neglected me until I was taken by foster parents. Then as I started getting into middle school and high school, I'd get into a lot of fights and even got expelled from one school district. In fact, I can recall my reasons for getting into one of my fights. One was because I was sexually violated by another guy who would constantly touch my man bits in front of all the boys and girls, scorning me for it. I ended up giving the guy a very badly swollen eye, a few missing teeth, a huge cut on his left cheek and a slightly crooked nose, thus sending him to the hospital afterwards.

I really hate it when any person touches me down there. I'll get angry even if it's a girl who's touching me down there(especially since men are expected to feel flattered when a girl is touching a man down there). When a person even dares to try it, I usually end up wanting to punch a hole through a person's face and crush their abdomens(with my arms or my legs) very hard until I squeeze their intestines out.

I'm sorry if I sound scary to you ladies but just please understand where I come from because I was a child abuse(of all sorts, especially sexual abuse) and bully victim. That doesn't mean I'll be unfriendly to every person. I'm friendly to people who treat me with courtesy and respect and can empathize where I come from. Men, you can answer this too to share your experience if you can relate to me. If any of you one to proceed to scold me or mock for me, go for it. I won't say anything as you are only speaking your true mind.

Yes

No

Depends

[SweetLily89]

You definitely need to work through your anger, I've dated an angry guy and being stressed out and on high alert all the time from just being around him wasn't healthy for me.

It helps to understand that anger is a secondary emotion. In that I mean, you felt something else and you're responding to that emotion with anger. Fear, Sadness. From what I can see, you've had a pretty rough start, but you must understand that you're anger is rooted from the baggage you are carrying around. It all goes back to fight or flight response, people often lash out because, there is something that they perceive as a threat. You were a abused, something triggers a negative memory. It upset you, then you get angry.

I think therapy would be a good choice for you or counseling. I've gone through counseling myself, to work through my past abuse. It is important that you come to terms with the past and let it stay there. It's not easy and it's not going to be something that just goes away, but learning to cope with those feelings in a healthy way when those memories are triggered will make things better. Next time, you feeling like you're about to have an outburst, think about what really is bothering you. I sincerely hope you get the help you need, there is no shame in it. Best wishes :)

[AsianFace]

I do not mean to offend you in any way shape or form but, as you suggested, I will speak my mind.

Rage is a scary thing. I tell you now, nobody finds pleasure in getting scolded or yelled at. I understand that you have short temper, in fact, I myself sometimes discover that I dont treat others the way I should because of my sometimes irrational frustration. However, I don't take myself 'off the hook' just for the reason that I get frustrated easily. There's always a reason as to why people react the way they do or say the things they do. It's like when people cry. You do not cry for no reason, nor do you enter depression for no reason. In this case, I had to seek help, and the weird thing was that I didn't need fancy medication. I needed a renewed mind. I had to change my mindset, and understand where my emotional reactions rooted from. I found out that it came from my self esteem. I constantly had to confront my self esteem, challenge it, as it was the root of my mental distress. And through all that, plus much prayer, I got better. Way better. I'm happy now, and I don't think ill of myself. I also learned something important: if you're not happy now, how do you expect to be happy when you're in a relationship?

[Asker]

I understand. I do try my best to improve. Sometimes, I just happen to have little options from my area. Still, doesn't mean I'll give up on finding help.

[Creole_Flavor]

If you are getting help for it then maybe. I was with a guy that was abused and given away when he was a child. He was verbally abusive to me and whenever he would get angry he would throw things and threaten me and next thing you know he was being nice. He was not a very affectionate guy. I was constantly walking on egg shells not knowing if one day he would throw me around or throw something at me instead of at the wall This relationship added to the PTSD and anxiety that I was already suffering from. I was also a victim of abuse as a child but I deal with my pain differently. He never acknowledged his pain and the connection between his past with the way that he acted he was just mad at the world and I became a victim for no reason. At least you admit that you have a problem. Next step is for you to learn self-control and get some help for your sake and for others if you plan on being with someone. One thing I know about having a temper is that you can't really say how far you will go or what you won't do sometimes it just happens and you end up making excuses in an unapologetic way.

[Asker]

Yeah. I'll admit that I definitely need extraordinary help. I don't want to hurt anyone else anymore and carry this baggage on my shoulders for the rest of my life but sometimes, it's difficult for me, especially when I run into inconsiderate men and women who thoughlessly believed it's a good idea to test me.

[Creole_Flavor]

Well I sincerely hope that you get the help that you need. The guy I was with is 30 years old an never been in love or loved anyone he has sabotaged all of his relationships. You don't want to grow old, alone, and mad at the world. Despite everything he did to me, I had to get away and I still wished him the best. The good thing is that you recognize that this can hurt you and others and that is not what you want. I'm not sure why anyone would want push you, they clearly don't know what pushing buttons can lead to.

[Hidden_P]

In your current state, yes it's a deal breaker. I mean, most people get into a relationship and want to be intimate with each other. If she was kissing you and heat of the moment stroked you and you lamped her one, I don't think she'd be too chuffed.
That being said, it's totally understandable.

I am very sorry for what's happened to you - nothing sickens me more than parents abusing their own children like that, it makes me sick when they sexually abuse them. So I am very very sorry that happened to you.

I think you need to seek some help. Although it's totally understandable that you react the way you do when being touched, it's not normal. And I think the anger problem is mostly fear linked to what's happened. It's your defence mechanism.

The most important thing is it's not your fault.

Good luck darling.

[Asker]

Thanks. I usually never snap into violence onto any person for no reason or unthreatening things like words. I'll only violently snap if a person is either trying to physically and sexually hurt me or tried to give me a flashback of the trauma that I've went through out of the intention of scorning me and freaking me out. I understand that no woman is perfect and she absolutely does not have to be but it'd be great for a woman to understand where I come from and do her best.

I may sound like a scary person but deep down, I really want a maternally compassionate woman who I can just hug and cuddle with just to completely get rid of all the emotional and physical baggage and scars that I've been carrying on my shoulders all my life.

[Hidden_P]

And most women will be like that, and she will understand. But also, and I don't want to "highlight" your problem, but she probably won't have been through the same. She may sometimes forget and go to be affectionate to you and you don't expect it.

I still think it would be worth talking to someone. It does help, I've done it.

[Lochlan]

Just about every human born has the genetics, inner ego, and overall wiring to commit horrific violence. Whether you use it against your own species as a means to justify your trauma or use it to protect, to fend off the predators. You have to find a way to trust, learn camaraderie. You cannot be faulted for defending your life and those of others. I'm sorry you've been betrayed but you know the other side of it. If you hope to be justified, you must learn to fight against the insolent usurpers who would brutalize the innocent.

Overall, if you want to live well, you must try new things. Find healthy ways to challenge, express yourself. Learning different tangents of art, playing an instrument. Join a branch of the military, it'll help you to feel unity since any sort of misbehavior, lacking volition to be a team player just does not fly, plus you can have some good life skills to apply once becoming a civilian again.

Women are least secure with a man who is selfish and detached. And it's fine with them that you want non-sexual touching. Befriend them first. Put arm around, holding hands. Being affectionate. Work on yourself, be yourself, express yourself. If you wish to have a healthy relationship with the opposite gender, you must open your heart.

[NerdInDenial]

It will be an issue because they will set you off. I'm sorry you had to experience this unpleasantness. You have great courage for not being a violent criminal. I would suggest that you talk to a counselor or therapist or join a support group with this subject as well as anger management.

[Asker]

Thanks man. It's really nice to have people who can understand where I come from and give helpful advices because honestly, I've never had many friends or even people who ever care about my problems my whole life.

[MaskedSanity]

Immediate termination of the relationship. I would not feel safe, comfortable nor happy around such a damaged person.

It sucks what happened to you and I think you should seriously consider getting therapy and anger management before seeking romantic companionship.

Think of it like this: Your violent outbursts of rage mirror the actions of your abuser (s). Do you really want to be exactly like the scumbag (s) that destroyed you as a person? Do you really want to follow in the footsteps of such lowlifes?

Break the cycle, get your head and emotional state sorted before you venture into the world of dating. If you don't, you may very well cause just as much pain to those you hold close.

Don't be another domestic violence statistic.

[SuklaaTryffeli]

Well I completely understand why you are acting like this. What you need, is a girl who respects you, gives you time and your own space. She has to be patient. As I understood, you will only lash out on people who treat you bad. It would be best to learn to control your anger but it is difficult

I haven't had experience like that, but the fact I've been bullied and rejected everywhere has made me scared of sexuality. I would also respond kinda like you do if someone disrespected my personal space.

[springocelot]

That's some very deep issues. Have you tried speaking to a therapist about this?

Anyways, even if you told a girl beforehand about this issue, it would be very difficult for her to deal with emotionally since your temper could flare up at any time. She may be unprepared to deal with it then and may even feel "on edge" all the time given the short temper. I certainly feel this way around people with short tempers.

[Asker]

Despite that I have an uncanningly short temper, I don't just go on a violent rampage for hurtful words. I'll snap into violence when a person tries to physically or sexually harm me.

[KAZ-2Y5]

yes its a deal breaker because if i was in a relationship with a guy and i can't calm him down, I will break up with him.

as a side note, you need to learn to solve your anger i am sorry for the consequences that contributed to it, but it is never going to do you any good.

[peachblossomluck]

I hope that creepy boy who touched you lost a lot of blood after your fight and consequently can't function properly. He'll get his comeuppance someday. I have a touch of PTSD and can manage it if people refrain from doing a few things that set me off. I have a sedative for emergencies and will have nothing to do with people who trigger me. Cbt may help immensely. It did for me.

[Asker]

Have you had a very dark past (from your childhood and teenhood) like me?

[peachblossomluck]

Yes, I had a dark and somewhat horrific ongoing experience while growing up. It was different sort of issues but I was traumatized all the same. I beat up a boy in the 7th grade for continuously sneaking up on me while at my locker to give me a scare. I can't even sit with my back to the entrance in a restaurant.

[Asker]

He just wanted to scare you by surprise and you freaked out by beating him up as your reaction or was the boy gonna do worse?

[peachblossomluck]

He was stalking me and grew up to be a pedophile. I was always trying to tell the teachers there was something abnormal about him, but they refused to listen.

[peachblossomluck]

My reaction to him was self defense. They ignored stalking and bullying back in those days. He was slways on about Hitler in admiration and these sexual predators seem to share an unhealthy fascination with him. I am even blonde with blue eyes.

[Asker]

I've dealt with all sorts of assholes, bitches and weirdos in my lifetime. Mind you that I live in mostly bad neighborhoods so of course I'd often encounter weird homeless people trying to feel up on me. Anyways, since I have PTSD since my childhood, there was one inconsiderate girl who I knew in high school that was one of the very few people who were aware that I have PTSD. Outside of school, she often tried to have her and her boyfriend harrass me by making fun me as a sexual abuse victim (and questioning my manhood) and trying to surprise scare me a few times to get a kick out of it. They've done it to me three times and and the third time was when I snapped and beat both of them up. What's funny was the girl was still laughing after I beat up her boyfriend because she'd never expect me to attack her because she's a girl. Then I ended up being on house arrest for the assaults.

[peachblossomluck]

Between you, me, and GaG, I do believe those two had it coming. Violence isn't always the answer but it's usually at least the question.

[Anonymous]

I went through all the same abuse when I was a very young child. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 15 and I still struggle with it to this day. I know where your coming from and how you are feeling. I've also had extreme bouts of near-homicidal rage but over the years it has gotten a little better. I have a husband who has put up with me for the last 12 years and I feel like if I can find someone to love and feel comfortable with, anyone could.

[Asker]

I almost forget to mention in my description that I too was diagnosed with PTSD, I just never shared that problems to any of my friends (which are very little amount) or classmates in school because I figured that either I don't want to give anyone else anymore problems or they would most likely not care about my serious problems.

[Opinion Owner]

It's hard to find people willing to help you through hard times even if you have a lot of friends (I don't either because of deep trust issues). The nightmares, the flashbacks, the anxiety, it's a big task for someone to take on. I always felt like if someone can't or won't be willing to deal with it then they're probably not worth my time anyway. True friends are there for you through everything and all the others (fair-weather friends) fall by the wayside.

[upood]

I have issues so I'd empathize and want to be there for you. that said im a very patient and intuitive person so i can make anyone feel better around me but that takes a lot of out of me so it'd be a big sacrifice for me in a relationship but it's worth it.

[MixedTwit]

I would say a girl who really liked u would get over that but I think u need to work on yourself first bc part of a relationship is sexual attractiveness and if she likes u like that and wants that relationship to go further you have to realize it's okay and she's not trying to hurt u, if u can't realize that I don't see those relationships going anywhere

[heavenlyashell]

I'm in therapy for my anger. Sometimes I get so mad all I want is punch people in the face and throw things and bust my head against the wall. But you know, it helped me a lot already. I didn't know it would, but it did. For your case, I really do think therapy would help you. Even if it's just talking about it. They give you tips on how you can react and stuff. I know it's a big step.. but consider it, it's not so scary as it seems :)

[dazedandconfused22]

I think you need to seek some sort of help.. anger management and therapy. It's nothing to be ashamed about and a girl wouldn't judge you for it. But I really feel sad for you and I want you to be able to associate sex with feelings of pleasure and happiness rather than anger and sadness. To do that you really need to seek out some therapy it will help.

[Kountry_King]

I think you will need therapy for your anger and the abuse. And then I see you dating but only someone who will be ok with all that you will tell them about you because some people just can't handle all that

[Asker]

Yeah, despite all of the abuse that I've been through, I still have my fingers crossed and hope that I'd never violently lash out on my future girlfriend/wife. I certainly won't but I obviously know there's always that possibility.

[Kountry_King]

It's good that you know that because some people would be in denial but as long as you're getting help and it works. I see nothing wrong with you having a gf especially if she understands you and is supportive

[Asker]

Yeah. I still can never forget the amount of bullying that I've been subjected to in middle school and high school. Boys would trying to test me by questioning and challening my "manhood" just because of my sexual abuse and for them to prove how much of a hardass they think they are in front of girls while the girls will try to test my patience while have their boyfriends behind them, believing that I'll never harm them because they're girls and because they think I'm intimidated by their boyfriends. Boy, were they wrong.

[spuitkaas]

You should look for therapy and then start dating. Fix yourself first. You clearly have a trauma. For me, it would be a dealbreaker, but after therapy I would be open for it.

[Mgoods]

Have you sought therapy?
I should imagine a short temper would uncomfortable for your partner to constantly deal with. I don't like feeling that I have to walk on egg shells around certain people.

[Darkmoon]

you need to be open and honest about it, and get all the help you can with it because what you resist, persists. And it not fair on you to have this burden alone and others.

[mistninja314]

Yeah (READ TITLE ONLY) because don't nobody want to deal with a ticking time bomb OR big baby who cries when he can't get things his way

[Ihav2fart]

It's a deal breaker in life, and it raises your chances of ending 6 feet under faster than you want.

[Asker]

I understand. I knew a person who had the same amount of bad temper as I did and ended up dying from a stroke (to answer to your "6 feet under" comment).

[Izzex3]

Raging temper problems would be a deal breaker for me.
No matter what your reasons for it are.

[abundantlyrich]

Only the girl you date , needs to know that.

[Princessofpersia]

I would go through therapy

[Anonymous]

I don't think I could deal with that. Sorry.