Would you date someone who is smarter than you?

[BambooforPanda]

And feel free to add any other thoughts you might have about it.

Yes

No

Maybe or I don't know (please explain if you choose this option)

Updates

+1 y

I'm actually vaguely surprised by the results so far.

[Bandit74]

Maybe but probably not. A lot of them seem condescending and in addition to that most girls want a guy who is at least their equal in categories like (height, intelligence, income, etc.). I dont think they respect men who are less intelligence and I dont think they have the same level of desire for them as they would for a guy who is equally as intelligent. I remember hearing a girl talk about how she prefers less intelligent men but only so she can manipulate and use them.

I dont really want to be with a girl who looks down on me so Id probably choose to be platonic friends with a really intelligent girl over being in a relationship with one. I'd prefer to date a girl who is close to being on the same level as me intellectually.

[BambooforPanda]

That's very fair

[Bandit74]

thanks

[JuanShisuko]

I'm already dating a pretty smart little lady, and I love that about her. I've had so many conversations with her about things that I don't talk about with anyone else, and I've learned a loooot of things about a different country and its culture, for example, and about experiences we'd both love to have in which we've both given our takes about how we'd love them to happen. They're eye-openers; a smart person makes you see different perspectives that you might not otherwise come up with yourself.

[JustBeingHonest7]

I enjoy intelligence, when my boyfriend talks about his work, I learn a lot because he is GOOD at his job and knowledgeable and I very much look forward to him talking about it for that reason. So being smarter than I am is no problem.

That said, it's kinda... I don't know what word. Not quite shallow, not quite ignorant or arrogant... just... kinda misinformed? TO say that one person is "smarter" than the other in a relationship. Generally everyone has there areas where they will be more of an expert than others and likewise everyone has their weaker areas. If you actually discuss a wide range of topics with any given person you will find that they are more knowledgeable than you are at something.

[BambooforPanda]

It's subjective. I felt that if I had worded the question, "If you feel a like a person is smarter than you would you still date them?" it would have gotten far fewer responses. Then I wanted to add details in the description to explain that I understand it isn't really that cut and dry, but I still felt that would narrow the number of responses I got.

[confusedgirl239]

Of course. Smart is sexy. Although I would say that it's good to be with a person who is on your level of education/intelligence. Then you relate to each other in a deeper way. For example, I think a relationship between a PhD and a high school dropout might be strained. They may have different life philosophies. For myself, I will be going to graduate school next year. I would be totally fine to be with someone who has and will only have their Bachelor's degree. However, I don't think I could be with someone who didn't go to college. They have just lived a different life than I have and education/academia is important to me.

[confusedgirl239]

Thanks for MHO!

[moosette134]

The guy I'm talking to - not dating yet but I would like to be - is currently looking at grad school at Harvard. Granted I'm not stupid either. We're both in the upper ranks of our class for sure but I still think he's smarter than me. I'm just a hard worker. But it doesn't bother me. I like learning and he can teach me stuff

[kdizzleforizzle91]

I would and I have (in my opinion). It would actually be a turn on. Dating someone who can't hold an intelligent conversation or discuss different perspectives on things is horrible in my experience.

[ElissaDido]

INSTANT TURN ON 😍
Hell yeah!

[Anonymous]

Sure. Though I never actually met an unattached woman of appropriate age who was clearly more intelligent than me in any significant way. I only met a couple who were more or less the same.

I got the highest score on my college entrance exams in the history of my school, admittedly not a large one. I suppose I'm somewhat rarer than one in ten thousand, which makes it difficult.

[BambooforPanda]

In your dating experience how do you find women take that aspect of you?

[Opinion Owner]

Well aside from trying to make good, witty conversation and employing a somewhat more extensive vocabulary, I don't show it off. Women can tell I'm intelligent and it seems to put off the really dim ones who assume (rightly) they couldn't sustain my interest but generally they can't tell just how intelligent I am until later in the relationship. Usually because I make some mental leap, feat of memory, do (what seems to them like complex) math in my head or show some insight. Mostly they don't seem to mind thought they can sometimes seem a bit intimidated.

People seem to assume very intelligent people are intelligent about everything all the time but this is not the case. They don't pay attention or have gaps in their knowledge or understanding like anyone else.

It's more like being very tall. You can reach the upper shelves without a ladder, see over the heads in a crowd and you can't always fit comfortably in a car but in most ways you function the same as other people.

[redeyemindtricks]

33.media.tumblr.com/.../...qf4rz0sn1qianv7_540.gif

Dude... Most people get over this whole "intelligence = high test scores" idea by the time they're 20 or so.

You may be better than most people at taking tests, but, that means that you are... better than most people at taking tests.
That's what it means.

And you were even conceited enough to write "... in any significant way" -- which means that, in terms of the kind of intelligence that counts in the real world, you are sorely, painfully, obviously lacking.
And yr arrogance just makes it worse.

No.

So much no.

[Opinion Owner]

@redeyemindtricks

I was trying to provide some kind of objective measure. I agree there is no objective way to measure intelligence or even define it really.

If you want evidence of practical intelligence, well. I started a business at 16 and by the time i was 25 I didn't really have to work for a living any more. I've pretty much arranged my life to my complete satisfaction. That would be the ultimate test of practical intelligence for me.

You can't really write about this subject without sounding arrogant to many people. I could have hedged about and tried to soften the edges of what I had to say but I figured WTF, the people who have had the experience I'm talking about won't mind if I speak plainly and the ones who haven't aren't going to get much out of it anyway.

That's just the way it is, I didn't make it like this.

[redeyemindtricks]

"You can't really write about this subject without sounding arrogant to many people."

You can... if you have some basic interpersonal intelligence.

__

Also, I'm curious as to exactly how you "employ... a somewhat more extensive vocabulary", as you put it.

Because probably the single biggest sign of TRUE intelligence, is the ability to express things in the simplest possible form.
Beauty in simplicity, form following function, all that.

499 of 500 people who "employ a somewhat more extensive vocabulary" are just people who want to SOUND smart, but who are really just pretentious shits.

I mean... there IS that 1 of 500 who knows how to deploy cool words like bombs, at EXACTLY the right time and place, in EXACTLY the right way to do beautiful things. Are you that 1 of 500?

[Opinion Owner]

@redeyemindtricks

I meant occasionally words slip out and the person I'm talking to doesn't know what they mean. This makes an impression I'd rather avoid but it's not something you can always control in the flow of conversation. Writing is easier. In technical conversation it's important to be precise but in casual social talk, as you say, it's pretentious to use an uncommon word when a phrase made of more ordinary ones will do.

What you are seeing in this thread is a special case. I assumed the OP was a very intelligent person who was interested in the experiences of people on either side of the question she asked. My aim was to establish my standing, insofar as that can be done on an anonymous forum and then provide the information as briefly and lucidly as possible.

This is not a conversation at a cocktail party so I didn't see why the social niceties need be observed. It's not that I don't understand how to do them. I'm actually quite good at it.

[Opinion Owner]

@redeyemindtricks

But it's rather like observing some elaborate palace etiquette in the court of the Magnolia Emperor. It's childish to have to employ circumlocution when you think about it. Adults should be strong enough to drink it straight.

[redeyemindtricks]

Ok, that's better.

I'll give you points for not having an immediate shit-fit in response to my comments -- that's depressingly rare.

"This makes an impression I'd rather avoid but it's not something you can always control in the flow of conversation"
-- It mostly is, though.
I have a 5-year-old, an 8-year-old, and a 13-year-old. Kids get confused really easily by stuff that's over their heads, so, if this were as hard to control as you say, then, it would be REALLY hard for smart people to ever talk to their kids. But... well, for the most part, it isn't.
I mean, you might just want to imagine that you're talking to a really cool/smart 11-year-old, when these conversations start.
That's not demeaning in any way, by the way -- 11-year-olds are fucking cool, and they're pretty on the ball with understanding adult concepts, and they're also pretty enthused about conversation. They just don't know tons and tons of words.

But, what's more (contd)

[redeyemindtricks]

important here -- and, in my view, more worrying -- is this focus on "intelligence" as some monolithic thing, as if that mattered. So what? Like, really, so fuckin' what, as long as yr interlocutor isn't a complete dumbbell?
If there even *is* a such thing as aggregate intelligence, it is WAY less important than
(1) interpersonal compatibility (do you communicate in compatible styles?),
(2) the values with which you approach the encounter,
(3) the values with which you approach people and relationships in general.

I mean, look, dude. I wouldn't make any claims about how "smart" I am, but, I can tell you this: I've genuinely learned at least 1 new thing from EVERYONE I've significantly interacted with in the last few years.
Every single individual.

I mean, even when I've interacted with hard-ass stubborn shitheads who are dumber than rocks, I've still learned valuable lessons about how to deal with hard-ass stubborn shitheads who are dumber than rocks.

[redeyemindtricks]

Lemme just leave you with this:

media.licdn.com/.../2fca889.jpg

You've spent YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, so far, in the wrong room.

Go look for the right room, dude.

[redeyemindtricks]

"It's childish to have to employ circumlocution when you think about it. Adults should be strong enough to drink it straight."

Do you also hate flirting, foreplay, and banter?
And FUN?

[Opinion Owner]

@redeyemindtricks

I almost never get angry with people unless they seem to be trying to kill me. This generally happens when I'm out driving or cycling.

Yes of course, the difference between a fool and a wise man is after an hour's conversation the wise man will have learned something from the fool.

I think despite your characterization abilities matter in relationships. Communication and values matter perhaps more but it won't do to ignore abilities. Many, if not most people are intimidated by by a display of exceptional mental ability. It definitely matters.

I've been around very bright people my whole life. I would never think of myself as the smartest person in the room, it's just that as you say, I'm better at some things, they are better at others so I say they are not "clearly more intelligent". Nevertheless it is equally plain we are operating on a different level than most people.

[Opinion Owner]

@redeyemindtricks

I read the original question as asking how you'd feel attraction-wise towards someone who you felt was your intellectual superior and I had to say I'd never really felt that way about any potential girlfriend I've ever met but I have seen how many women reacted when they obviously felt that way about me. It's pretty common for them to be intimidated and there's not much you can do about it because the better they know you the more they feel that way.

[redeyemindtricks]

Careful with the road rage. It's not worth it, whatever "it" might be in the circumstances at hand.
Just remember that (1) people make mistakes, and (2) people are people, with faces.
The entire reason road rage is possible is that you can't see the other person's face. It's the same reason why it's so much easier to erupt at someone over the phone. If you could see the person's face, the rage factor would decrease, a lot.
Make it a game, if you have to. Award yourself mental points for maintaining yr poise and equanimity, and so on. I mean, really... if that's enough to throw you off yr mental center, then, well, I'm glad you've had such a blessed life so far. (:

About this --
"It's childish to have to employ circumlocution when you think about it. Adults should be strong enough to drink it straight."

I think you might be confusing "not using circumlocution" with "giving it to people straight". Which... well, no, those are (contd)

[redeyemindtricks]

...2 different things.
That would be like treating "not lying" and "being frank" as the same thing. Or "not ripping someone off" and "offering someone a bargain". you get me.
I don't really have a point beyond that -- other than that you might be blinded to that difference BECAUSE you are using so many $5 words to talk about it.

This, my friend, is the real problem with all the fucking $5 words. When people use big big words, THEY THINK LESS.

Here's the best exmaple in the world of that.
There are lots of different kinds of carbohydrates -- sugars, starches, fibers, etc. I work with people on fitness and nutrition, and, even among people who know a fair amonut about nutrition, I still encounter a frustrating number of people who treat ALL carbohydrates as the same.
The reason?
Because THE WORD "carbohydrate" exists.
If that word didn't exist, people would actually differentiate among these things. But they don't, because there's a fucking $5 word. (contd)

[redeyemindtricks]

So... that's the real issue with using words that are bigger than necessary. There's also the "sounding like an autistic little-professor-kid thing", but, beyond that, there's the very real fact that you will limit your own ability to THINK about what you are actually saying/writing/considering.

I mean... am I in a certain kind of awe, when I'm in the presence of someone who's clearly better than me at something?
Well, fuck yeah I am!
My husband is a dancer. The way the man moves is electrifying. He is grace, finesse, and panache, personified -- and I am a tall, lanky, awkward spaz with 2 left feet. We've been married 15 years and I'm STILL kind of intimidated when I tango with him. But... it's not a bad kind of intimidation.

I suspect you might be seeing the same kind of thing with these women with whom you are interacting.
*** IF YOU ARE RECEIVING NEGATIVITY, YOU ARE PROBABLY PROJECTING ARROGANCE. ***
Read that 20 times.

(contd)

[redeyemindtricks]

Because, that kind of intimidation CAN go both ways. It can be a good sense of awe -- like being inside a Renaissance cathedral and looking at frescoes that took the lives of hundreds of artisans to make -- or, it can be a thorough sense of disgust, at "who does this goddamn know-it-all think HE is".
Hair-trigger difference.

Go back and read your 1st post in this exchange. I mean... let's just be honest here. In that post, you come off as a pompous ass who still thinks that yr SAT scores prove that you are one of the cool kids.
This conversation has redeemed you from that, but... how many times does life give you a second chance? ESPECIALLY with women?
Yeah.

This is a big deal with THIS kind of thing more than anything else, because NOTHING is worse than a know-it-all. I swear, dude, I would rather be married to a man who is literally mentally retarded than to a man who wears his book-smarts like some emperor's new clothes.

[Opinion Owner]

@redeyemindtricks

I'm going to have to disagree on a point or two, the rest (how I sounded in the first post) I think I've already addressed.

People who fall into the trap of misconception when using uncommon words generally do so because they don't have a clear understanding of the words they are using. This problem is not limited to unusual words, it is everywhere. People use words without understanding exactly what they mean and more interestingly without even clearly knowing what they would like them to mean. That's what causes the fuzzy thinking, not the relative frequency with which the words are used. In fact I'd say an uncommon word is more likely to have a precise meaning by virtue of being less subject to the distorting influences which warp and blend the meaning of more commonplace words.

Language is a reflection of the mind, it won't do to blame the mirror for the faults in your face.

[Opinion Owner]

@redeyemindtricks

The sort of intimidation I'm talking about has generally taken the form of the woman getting depressed because she feels like she's not keeping up and becomes insecure about the relationship which, I probably don't have to tell you, tends to become a kind of self-fulfilling prophesy. I have had women express themselves the way you describe but I have to say they were generally women I had deflected interest from and it seemed to me telling that their sudden fault finding followed this rejection.

[BambooforPanda]

Her arguing with you has given me all of the information I was looking for XD.

[Opinion Owner]

Thought it might.

[BambooforPanda]

Would you pm me so that I can follow you?

[redeyemindtricks]

OK that's fair, but, remember that you should NEVER declare things like "I am X thing". It's impossible to do that sincerely, no matter who you are or what X is.

Like, if someone says "I'm an honest guy!", then you pretty much know right off the bat that he's not an honest guy.
Same thing with "I'm rarer than 1 in 100000" or whatever. Well, if you just come out announcing that, then you probably aren't.

Also, you should definitely retire the college entrance exam thing, like, forever, if you want people NOT to disqualify you from being taken seriously ever again.

Like, really, in the real world? If anyone ever trotted out an SAT score as evidence of how smart they supposedly were, that person would immediately be reduced to punch-line status in my mind, pretty much permanently. I imagine the same is true for a lot of other people, too.

[Opinion Owner]

@redeyemindtricks

In real life you can't answer questions directly. You have to consider how your answer will be received. As you pointed out, most people get annoyed. They will disregard content because the package is not to their liking.

One of the things I like about the internet is you can answer a question with plain, radical honesty. I find it refreshing and it's interesting to see how it comes out.

The ordinary reaction amounts to "this may all be true but I am ready to reject it without consideration because it offends my sensibilities". The irony of being accused of rampant egotism and being told this in the same breath is fascinating. It's deeply, profoundly comic.

[redeyemindtricks]

One of these days you'll realize that, nah, it's pretty much the same. (If anything, you've got it backwards, since everything you ever write on the internet is basically there to stay, and so gaffes are much harder to cover.)

Character is character is character. Spoken, written, even in the way you walk and gesture. It's all one and the same.

Once you realize that, you'll be all grown up. [;

[BambooforPanda]

I actually don't know how you haven't become infuriated with her here - I have lol. And I was initially really skeptical about the claims you made of your intelligence, but there is no other way you could have given your answer to this question without it. I understand you're probably sick of this thread, and you posted anon for a reason, but please PM me so I can follow you? I won't out you and we don't have to have a lengthy conversation. I think I set my filter open so you don't have to follow me, but I'm really curious what questions/opinions you might have.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes, you are right. I post anonymously whenever possible precisely because I don't want to be followed.
The interesting thing in light of this conversation is I have a genuine antipathy to being admired and although I am a kind and have been called many times a generous person I am selfish enough to try to avoid it whenever possible.

I say called generous because my generosity is like the character of the hunger artist in the eponymous story by Kafka. I don't feel it as a virtue because it's not a sacrifice, the only thing I really want besides minimal physical comfort is understanding. I have found this site a very good place to learn things that would be difficult to discover anywhere else.

Perhaps why you can see why I'm not only not exasperated by redeyemindtricks, but find her very interesting.

Seeing the same words in a different light due to a later understanding or a different viewpoint is a feeling I find both exhilarating and disturbing when it comes to me.

[Opinion Owner]

It makes me wish I'd chosen my words more carefully instead of letting them stream as fast as I could type.

[Night_Shadow]

Funny how all the guys at my school go for the "Biggest Bust, Smallest Brain"...

Instead, I got myself a damn smart girlfriend I'm hella proud of X3

[Najii]

Either the same amount or more than me otherwise its a huge turn of. And i don't only mean book smart.

[Bobba_Fett]

I would love to find someone smarter than me.
But smart girls generally only want the dumbest meat head they can find.
Or, I'm just no good at dating. Probably both...

[BambooforPanda]

Well, I find that's really only true if they're looking for a purely sexual relationship. Or want someone they can walk all over... In any case, people usually only do that if they aren't ready for a serious relationship. It's totally possible for you to find what you're looking for.

[Bobba_Fett]

I love your optimism. here's to hope. Cheers.

[TheBootyChest]

I don't mind dating someone who is smarter than me as long as we can still talk about some of the same things and she doesn't play the "smart" card on me when she is angry.

[swiftsaver602]

Yes. I've dated both and I definitely prefer the guy to be smarter (or at least on my level). I like being able to have deep conversations and learn from an SO

[BertMacklinFBI]

yeah i would. there are a fuckton of people in the world smarter than me, why would I cut my dating pool like that lol.

[Mustachekitteh]

I'm already doing that, at least I feel like he's smarter than me when it comes to learning things faster.

[Wulfila]

If she's not conceited, condescending, and / or maternalistic about the fact that she's more intelligent, then yes. If she likes to show off or rub it in my face, then no.

[BambooforPanda]

What would you consider showing off or rubbing it in your face though? Say you and her are talking about a subject with friends, you add an opinion, and she goes on to explain the subject in greater detail than you were previously aware of. While she neither agrees nor disagrees with your opinion, and although she isn't trying to put you out, it makes your opinion less impactful. Is this something that you could tolerate in a relationship?

[Wulfila]

If she did it constantly, then, yes, that would start to grate on me rather quickly. Basically, I don't want my S. O. talking about my ideas as if they sourced from a child: "Oh, that's what you think? How cute." or "Now, boo, you should know better than that." If it reached the point where she were effectively insulting me, then the relationship wouldn't go very far.

[Dubhlann]

I married her. She got her masters degree from an Ivy league school...

[AleDeEurope]

Only dumb people will say no.
Yes, I'd rather have a smarter woman, than a dumber.

[LittleSally]

Yes... But not someone who's conceited because of it or loves showing themselves off.

[vet31bSoldier]

It all depends on her and her personality? Intelligence is sexy.

[GiftShop]

Married to a genius.
Not really, but he's very smart, along with all his friends.

[TheLuckyOne1]

Sure thing. We wouldn't be competitors, instead we would complete each other.

[lonelyoldboy]

I wish I were smarter than the girls that I'm attracted to. I think girls only want a guy who is smarter than they are, so it wouldn't work out if I were to date someone smarter than me.

[amfbruzer]

As long as they're not a complete asshole about their superior intellectual skill

[Negrodamuss]

sure, as long as there isn't any arrogance that comes along with their intelligence

[Decentguy]

sure, i would, it will help me balance my life, because im stupid and she smart so it'll balance my life a lot :D