Boyfriend puts me on a pedestal?

[Anonymous]

He literally tells me that I'm "perfect" which is the farthest thing from the truth. I used to experiment with drugs when I was in high school, I dated a couple of guys who were emotionally abusive towards me, and I just don't think he'd like me if he knew about my colourful past. I have a lot of regrets in life but I don't want to mislead him by making him think that I've always been on this straight path. Should I tell him about the things I used to do? Will he still like me? It's just a lot of pressure to live up to his expectations because it's not who I truly am on the inside. Being put on a pedestal is almost ruining our relationship because I don't feel like I can tell him when things go wrong in my life or confide in him when I'm dealing with unfortunate things. I feel like our relationship is "superficial" or just exists on the surface because we don't really discuss deep topics or share personal information about ourselves. What can I do to strengthen our relationship? I really care about him but I'm tired of constantly being put on a pedestal. Thanks in advance for helping out :)

[BigPunny]

There's one thing that I found missing from the description of your relationship, and that's trust.

From what I read, you don't trust that he's telling you the truth about yourself because you can't see it. I almost got the feeling that you feel like he's lying to you and that he has some kind of ulterior motive behind his treatment of you.

If that's the case, all I can say is to be true, honest, and comfortable. If you cannot have those three things, then you will struggle in any relationship.

As for your past - that's part of who you are TODAY. You are molded by your experiences in life, which means you wouldn't be the woman he sees as perfect if you hadn't lived the life you lived years ago. For that reason, you should be very proud of how you lived, because most people go through life so afraid of stepping out of societal boundaries that they forget to just live. You have lived, learned, grown, and now you're with a man that appreciates everything you offer him and he wants to make sure that you know how much you mean to him. There's nothing wrong with that.

You don't have to come out one night and just go on and on about how 'bad' you think you were, but you should NEVER be afraid to reveal your history to someone you are in a long-term relationship with. If he changes once he realizes your past, then your answer of his sincerity will be clear to you.

Another thing worth mentioning is that we are our own worst enemy and critic. Not only are the events of our own lives fresh in our minds, but also all the thoughts that led us to making those 'bad' choices, so it seems worse than it actually is.

Think of it like this - if you recorded yourself speaking, then played it back to yourself. . . . does it sound weird? Does it strike you as odd to hear yourself from an outsider's perspective? Of course it does, because you're inside yourself and he's looking at you from the outside. So he sees something that you cannot, because you're always going to be inside yourself.

You need to forgive yourself for the things you've done in the past that you aren't proud of and you need to know that you are who you are today because of the things you've lived through in life. Be proud of who you are, trust that he will still know you're that perfect woman for him, and stop punishing yourself. Let the past go and start to build that future in whatever way you see fit.

[Asker]

I absolutely loved your answer!! You are very insightful and I appreciate the advice you've given me more than you'll ever know. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! :)

[BigPunny]

I'm very happy to hear that I have helped you in some way. Good luck to you, and enjoy your seat atop that pedestal - you probably deserve to be there. :)

[Asker]

I really appreciate your last comment. I'm very hard on myself and wish I could undo a lot of things so it helps when people aren't judgmental about the things I've done. Thanks for being one of those people :)

[Mojave]

Tell him. Be straight up. Your past is your past? Your dating him in the now, not 10 years ago or whatever. I don't see why the past matters. Life is about taking risk and doing dumb shit. If you ain't your life sucks.

And him putting you on a pedal stool. Means he values you more than himself. He thinks your better than him. And just ask him to stop? Honesty is the best thing you can do. You gotta put yourself first. If he was raping you all the time you wouldn't put up with it. So why would you if he's putting so much pressure on you?

Ask him to talk? Or talk to him. And if he wants to he will. If he's a closed off person then you can't really help that. But he's your partner your meant to share your life and discuss shit so why are you not? He seems detached emotionally in a way.

[Asker]

I agree that I should be able to be myself around him :) He is emotionally detached which makes it harder for me to open up because I don't was to reveal my dirty laundry if he doesn't reciprocate in some way. We're both not very good at being vulnerable so I guess I'll be taking the 1st step lol :)

[ScorpioMoonChick]

How does he treat you? Does he call you perfect, yet talk to other girls, or basically, badly? Because that's the only way that I would see him as possibly "using you."
But if he he treats you well, ignore that using comment. But I felt like I should make a point about being used, because it happened to me. You see, guys can pick up on your insecurities and some guys will take that to their advantage.

I think that your biggest solution here is to open up to him, and tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe this will help.
Him: You are perfect?
You: Why am I perfect?
Him: Because you just are, but why do you ask?
You: When you say that I am perfect, I feel sad because I don't agree. I have done some things that I am not proud of in the past.

This will open up dialogue and most likely lead to him reassuring you that you are perfect to him.
Also, if you want a deep discussion, just ask about something deep.

Now, you also have to work on your regrets. Remember that these things made you who you were. They made you a stronger person. And remember that nobody is perfect.

[Asker]

I think I'll use your suggested approach as an opening :) Thanks again for your help! :)

[ScorpioMoonChick]

You're welcome! I'll answer any other questions through these comments, too.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

Enjoy the pedestal you are on. be smart about it. You can confide in him but dont tell him things about you that willmake you look like a slut. Just gloss over the past and model them as youthful indiscretions.

the emotionally abusive guys dont make YOU look bad. if anything it would make you seem like a damsel in distress who was mistreated by lesser males

[Asker]

I agree and that's some good advice :) Thanks so much for helping :)

[melme16]

Well, you're not the only one. I told my boyfriend about my dark past and that didn't change his mind. He says that I may not be perfect for others, but that I am perfect for him.

But I don't see nothing bad for your boyfriend to put you on a pedestal.

[Asker]

That's very sweet of your boyfriend :) Thanks for your advice :)

[coachTanthony]

You certainly don't want him taking you off the pedestal and becoming your dad because of you colorful past either. So I say it's two separate conversations. Start with the pedestal thing.. because that can lead to one needy and insecure man. Then go with the past. Lay it out.

[wrightontime]

If he knew you while you did drugs and while you dated other guys, then he might be disappointed and eventually not like you anymore.
If you two never met while you did drugs and dated other guys, then he should be ok with your past as long as you don't do that shit anymore, never mention your exes, and pictures of your exes are put away.

Just have the two separate conversations about the pedestal (1st) and past (2nd). And as always, don't bring up you exes in casual everyday conversations.

I've dated some girls with pasts. What drove me to use them for sex and treat them like shit was the girls bringing up their exes in conversations, and not putting their exes stuff in storage. I could see their exes shit displayed in their house.

[Truthatanycost]

He is in love with a fantasy and you are afraid of him seeing reality because of the possible consequences. You don't like being put on a pedestal but you are allowing it due to secondary gain.

I think most guys are in love with a fantasy and if they saw the truth... the raw.. uncut, unadulterated truth... birth rates would drop overnight.

[Asker]

I agree with your comment but at the same time he always treats me really well & it can be flattering but I also want him to get to know the real me. I guess there's no knowing unless I talk to him about it :)

[slatyb]

He is totally into you. That's a good thing. He doesn't think you are literally a perfect human being, no one is. He just feels that you are perfect for him. Anyway, you have to open up and tell him how you are really feeling. If he's got a crazy idea of your perfection, better to find out now. I expect he will love you just as much and it will allow him to talk to you more openly. True love comes from knowing someone completely.

[Asker]

Really liked your answer & I appreciate your helpful advice :) I've made up my mind that I'm gonna tell him. Hopefully it'll bring us closer together because I've really been trying to be a better person and make better decisions in life. Thanks again! :)

[Cmasterson]

I think you should always be honest in your relationship however just because youve done these things doesn't man he will think otherwise. You should feel confident in your relationship that he won't leave if you've done mistakes xx

[Asker]

I totally agree but I guess I haven't forgiven myself for making some of those mistakes :) Hopefully he'll be more forgiving about it though :)

[John_Doesnt]

One day you're gonna be 39 years old, single and desperately looking for the phone number of the guy you thought was "too nice". Only too late to find out he is happily married.

[Asker]

I don't get what you mean by your comment. I appreciate his kindness and everything he does for me (especially since other guys were not treating me right in previous relationships) but I also don't want him painting a picturesque image of me because I'm not as good of a person as he thinks I am. I feel like it's deceitful and he has the right to know :)

[Carryn]

@John_Doesnt why don't you just tell her that privately? You know how many times she's probably messaged you? Just tell her!

[John_Doesnt]

@Carryn Are you using multiple accounts because I just saw this message now? I don't know what you're ranting about that took up 6 alerts but I'm not responding.

[Fearless_banana]

Communication is everything. Just tell him everything you said here. If you don't it will build resentment on both sides. If you fail to communicate this to him your relationship will end soon and I guarantee it.

[Asker]

I totally agree and I want this relationship to work out so I'll tell him :) Thanks for answering :)

[Anonymous]

The vast majority of men nowadays put women on pedestals and it makes it almost impossible to get a date or girlfriend because them putting them on pedestals leaves women overloaded with options and since they have those, their standards reach unreasonable astronomical levels , it used to only be women that were above average looking to super attractive, but now its extending to women who are below average looking to having the slightest bit of looks.

[ZenithDawn]

when you say you experimented with drugs your gonna have to be more specific on which ones because a few of them are not that bad such as shrooms and weed

[TonyRyanAgain]

^ this

One just makes you tired and hungry af... the other makes you lost in the woods looking for the fridge in your kitchen that's being blocked by a fucking Dragon.

[TonyRyanAgain]

But I'd prefer those over the other shit, haha.

[Asker]

I won't go into specifics about which drugs I experimented with because it's not something I'm proud of. I was in a bad place in my life during high school (family life was a mess) so I basically befriended people who led me even more astray. I don't use any drugs whatsoever anymore but I worry that he might think differently of me if he finds out. Would you stop liking a girl if you found out she used to experiment with drugs?

[MaiNameIsSunshine]

Tell him, he should accept you if he actually loves you.

[Asker]

Yeah, I'll tell him :) Thanks for your advice and I appreciate your help :)

[TonyRyanAgain]

Does he judge you harshly or something. By perfect he likely means perfect to HIM. I doubt your past will change that but you need to actually tell him to find out. Man up, you got this shit.

[Asker]

Aww, thank you :) Yeah, I think I have to tell him because I feel like a fraud and it comes across as deceitful if I don't. Hopefully he'll still like me after he finds out and we can work on our relationship :) Thanks again :)

[Redshift]

Tell him. If he still thinks you're perfect you'll know you've already become what he always wanted.

[WhereAmI]

Why am I thinking of that movie "Forty year old virgin"?

[Asker]

Never saw that movie lol :) What's it about?

[WhereAmI]

I remember the phrase "pussy on a pedestal" being used.

[Asker]

This conversation is so out of context lol :) How about some sage advice instead? ahaha :)

[WhereAmI]

https://youtu.be/WsnXQdkqChg

[Asker]

It's all so much clearer now ahahaha :P Thank you so much lol :)

[WhereAmI]

Glad you understand what i was trying to convey.

[Indigo1]

tell him
if i were him i wouldn't give 2 shits what u did in the past.

[Asker]

Why wouldn't you care about your girlfriend's past? Thanks in advance for answering :)

[Indigo1]

it doesn't matter about your past its who you ae now

[Asker]

I hope he feels the same way :) Thanks

[Indigo1]

no problem

[sp33d]

I don't see you objecting to this behaviour, either. Not sure what to think about it.

[Jersey2]

Let it unfold naturally. Don't worry about it.

[Asker]

How do you mean? :)

[BigPunny]

I believe he's referring to your past. He's probably saying don't volunteer information without it being contextually appropriate. If you're sharing stories of things that happened in life, then feel free to share one of yours.

Basically, he's saying don't just say "hey I need to talk to you... I did this, this, this, this, and this when I was younger"

If that makes sense. lol

[Asker]

@BigPunny Thank you :) I suppose that's a good way of looking at it :)

[Jersey2]

@BigPunny I went out for a while. Well said, yes, that is what I meant.

[Anonymous]

You're prefect to him :)

[Asker]

I hope that's what he means otherwise the truth will be disappointing to him. Thanks for your advice :)

[anonman32]

maybe you are just perfect to him.

[Anonymous]

sounds like he is using you

[Fearless_banana]

how did you come up with that lol

[Asker]

Why do you say that? He's the kindest person I've been in a relationship with and at least he doesn't emotionally abuse me like my previous relationships.

[SatyricLord]

Just tell him the truth.